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Elements of Power [COLOR=white]Ok, so this is a story I've had in the works in my head for a while. This part is WICKED short, like only a page in word, so probably like, a paragraph here, lol. I just wanted to sort of get the start of it out and see what you guys though and maybe get any constructive criticism you may have. Hopefully there's enough here to work with, lol, Now, all housekeeping aside, Enjoy![/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Elements of Power[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Bass thundered through the smoke of the club, beats so loud you could feel them in your marrow and a throng of bodies, all moving like one. Andrew scanned the crowd, his square jaw and chiseled features standing head and shoulders above nearly everyone else in the club. His brown eyes scoured the large room while he moved with the music, ignoring glances from unwanted suitors. His eyes shot from face too face, as if they knew what they were looking for until they finally stopped on one man, on the other side of the dance floor and looking right at him, with a smirk. He began the walk over, his considerable bulk making it a bit more difficult maneuvering through the crowd. The closer he got to the man, the more clearly he could see him.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Ten yards away, a flash of green, bright eyes lighting up his face.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Five yards, a black pointed spiral on his right arm, words written across the corded muscle of a forearm.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Six feet, the whitest, most perfect smile he had ever seen. He suddenly let go of a breath he hadn?t even realized he was holding. There was something about this man, something strange and powerful. [/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Andy smiled at him, for the first time realizing perhaps his two most distinguishing features. First was his hair, it seemed like the lights at first, but now he was certain, his hair was green, so dark it was almost black in the dark of the club. Second, he was SHORT. And not like, comparatively, not just kinda below average. He couldn?t have been more than 5?3?, 5?4? tops. Andy suppressed a chuckle at the marked difference between the two of them.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]?You know, you?re kinda short.? He said, sitting down near the little mystery man, whose bulk did nothing to betray his height. The shorter guy let out a quick laugh and smirked.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]?Maybe you?re just freakishly tall.? He said, his voice, like his build, betraying nothing of his stature. Andrew let out a laugh; he could tell real quickly that they?d get along well.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]?The name?s Andy.? He said, holding out a huge paw. Mystery man looked at the hand and smirked, shaking his head slightly and held out a hand that had to have been about half the size. [/COLOR] [COLOR=white]?Nice to meet you.? He shouted over the din. ?I?m John.? Andy raised an eyebrow at the restrained strength in his grip; there certainly was something strange about this man. He turned the hand he held and read the tattoo lacing its way up his arm in a delicate but undeniably fierce script. [/COLOR] [COLOR=white]?Every rose?? he read, turning the arm in his hand before it slipped all too easily out of his grasp.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]?Has its thorns.? John finished, leaning against the table before picking up his drink from behind him and getting up from his stool, his sudden shortness amusing Andy more than his initial reaction. ?Listen, it?s kinda loud in here and I?m getting a bit warm, do you maybe? wanna go outside?? he asked, his small fingers dancing over the skin of the much, much taller man?s arm. Andy?s eyes lit up, the deep brown in his eyes practically flashing in the dark. He smiled, the light, teasing touch of the smaller man exciting his senses.[/COLOR] [COLOR=white]?Sounds good, I?ll lead the way.? He said, his thumb running over the smaller hand he held in his own, still inexplicably drawn to it. They began the walk from the club and John smirked. [/COLOR] [COLOR=white]Aout time...[/COLOR] |
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Very intriguing setup. |
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It's a very well written set up, but it's sort of like a joke without a punchline. You're left there going, "And...?" |
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I agree its a great start, but where will it go from here, I hope you don't plan on growing John, the smaller character in the story taller, I like the short but strong guys that have been shown in more and more stories recently and I hope this continues the trend. __________________ "Loved by few, hated by many, respected by ALL" The Undertaker, Deadman Inc. In the MGS FC's, I am Barf the Mawg from Spaceballs, loyal, powerful, quick witted, but I have a bit of a weight problem. http://sports.groups.yahoo.com/group/yfhmk/ Only those serious about young muscle need apply. We do accept stories, but let's keep it clean. This is the only place on the web where Ragman's "My Nephew" Stories can be found. |
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The start got me curius and the title makes me wanna read more. The fact that the guy had green dark hair makes me wonder.... __________________ The Internet is for PORN! -Trekkie- http://chocomus.deviantart.com/ http://yaoi.y-gallery.net/user/chocomus/ |
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-- I like the premise and I remember reading the intention and concept in another thread. I would love to see where this course of writing would take us, the readers. I didn't fid this so easy to read. My apologies, but I found myself wandering and wondering from on persons perspective to another. It was unclear to me until a few readings in. Perhaps this is because of colloquial difference and usage of the English language where I'm from. The passive sentences and the frequent comma's had confused me at some parts. But I do look forward to reading the rest of it! |
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i look forward to it too; i say write it, damn the critics! ~ille __________________ just my thoughts as a writer Things happen. |
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