Alex in Muscleland Ch. 6

[Giga_Huge5000]

For those still interested, here is Alex in Muscleland Ch. 6! There's no actual growth in this part, but there will be in the next part. Enjoy!

Chapter Six: Pig and Pepper

Alex just stood in front of the house wondering what he should do next when suddenly a footman in livery came dashing toward the front door from the woods. Alex wasn’t at all surprised to see that this man was as solidly built as the other men in this world, but this man wasn’t obscenely large or laughably small either. He had the athletic body of a person who spent much of his time running from place to place and judging by the rather large envelope tucked under one of his arms he was clearly a footman of some kind delivering a message. Alex stepped a little closer as the footman knocked on the door sharply with his knuckles. The door was almost instantly pulled open by a much larger man filling the doorway from top to bottom. He was wearing a livery as well but it seemed much tighter on him and was visibly straining. This man obviously spent his time doing tasks around the house or else had a great deal of free time judging by his size.

The smaller footman bowed and held out the letter, saying, “For the Duchess: An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.”

The bigger man nodded and took the letter repeating, “From the Queen: An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.”

The smaller man nodded and said, “An invitation from the Queen, for the Duchess, to play croquet.”

The larger man nodded and said, “To play croquet: An invitation for the Duchess from the Queen.”

The smaller man nodded and said, “To play croquet: An invitation from the Queen for the Duchess.”

Alex glanced at his watch before remembering that it had broken off his wrist long ago wondering how long the footman were going to take going back and forth like this. Luckily, by the time he looked up again the smaller footman was bowing. The larger footman bowed over him so that when the smaller footman stood back up rather abruptly he slammed into the larger footman’s face. He snapped back up grabbing his nose and the smaller footman took this as a cue to run back into the woods. Alex couldn’t help but laugh at this little spectacle but he quickly stifled it so that the larger footman wouldn’t hear. Alex watched as the larger footman pulled his hands from his nose to make sure he wasn’t bleeding before sighing and laying out in the grass staring up at the sky. Alex slowly walked up to the house and knocked on it wondering who this Duchess person was.
The larger footman turned onto his stomach and smiled at Alex. “There’s really no use in knocking on the door for two reasons. Reason one is that I’m the footman and I am on the same side of the door as you and therefore cannot do much to open it for you. Secondly, they’re making such a noise in there that they could not possibly hear you.”
As though on cue Alex heard something smash against the door along with a great wailing cry as someone else sneezed violently while still another person seemed to be haphazardly singing snatches of some song or other. Alex moved away from the door, slightly nervous now that he heard the fighting going on inside. Judging by the noise it was clear someone quite large was making the noise and Alex wanted to just deal with it and ask for directions. He turned back to the footman who had returned to his back, staring at the clouds, and
asked, “So…how do I get in?”

The footman turned on his side and said, “There might be some sense in your knocking if there was a door between us. For example, if you were inside, you could knock and I could let you out!”

Alex pressed his palms into his eyes and leaned his head back slightly. “I don’t know how much longer I can stand listening to these kind of word games!” he thought to himself. Uncovering his eyes Alex asked again, “How can I get in?”

The footman looked back up into the sky completely ignoring Alex. “I shall sit here…until tomorrow…”

Suddenly the door opened and a large plate came sailing out smashing on top of the footman’s head. Alex had jumped as soon as he heard the door opened and had barely avoided getting creamed by the plate. The footman merely blinked and muttered, “Or next day maybe…”

Alex walked back up to the door and grabbed the doorknob. Twisting it he found it was still locked. Getting frustrated, he turned back to the footman and shouted, “How do I get in?”
The footman looked sternly at Alex and said, “Are you to get in? That’s the first question you know!”
Alex wanted to scream. It seemed like no matter where he went or who he talked to someone wanted to argue or fight with him. Well except White but that was an entirely different experience and one he didn’t relish repeating. Still, it would be nice if he could talk to any one person without them arguing in some way. The footman had taken Alex’s silence as an
opportunity to continue doing nothing and said to himself, “I suppose I’ll sit here…for days and days on end…”

“But what am I supposed to do?” Alex shouted angrily.

The footman gave him a deprecating look as he said, “Whatever you want, of course.”

Alex rolled his eyes and muttered, “Those no point in talking to him. He’s an idiot!”

He walked back to the door and was surprised, but gratified, that it was now unlocked. Alex went inside the house and instantly found himself in a large kitchen. This was rather surprising since most houses, especially mansions, had foyers and at least one hallway before coming to a kitchen. “I must have come through the back door.” Alex thought sensibly. He looked around the kitchen and found the ceiling was completely obscured in a hazy cloud of steam from a huge pot of soup on a rather small stove filled with flecks of some black spice. Alex sneezed violently as he stepped further into the kitchen coming into contact with some of the flurrying specks. Alex’s eyes started watering as he looked at the pot. The cook, a rather large muscular man with a rather large belly, was feverishly adding pepper to the soup. He was wearing a large chef’s hat and his apron was covered in yellow soup stains. Alex covered his nose and mouth and muttered, “There’s way too much pepper in that soup!”

As if to answer a loud wailing and sneezing filled the air and Alex looked over and saw the Duchess sitting on a creaking three legged stool and holding the source of the wailing. It was a baby wrapped in a blanket and as Alex slowly walked up to the Duchess he got a better look at the baby and found it to be quite hideous. Alex quickly looked away from the ugly baby and into the face of its mother. He was vexed to find that the Duchess was equally hideous with a rather large head and mannish looks. That head was wrapped up in a bonnet, her brown dress looking still somehow pristine even in the squalid kitchen. The Duchess was sneezing nearly as much as the baby her jowls shivering like a bulldog’s with every exhalation. Alex noticed that the cook didn’t seem to be sneezing at all. “I wonder why he doesn’t sneeze?”

Looking over at the hearth Alex saw another boy that wasn’t sneezing. He looked to be about Alex’s age and was built with sleek muscle like a cat. In fact, as Alex looked he saw the boy had cat’s ears poking up out of the top of his brown hair. He was wearing a purple and pink striped shirt with matching shorts, a tail poking out of the base of his spine. His feet were bare, the toenails slightly longer and sharper than is normal. His fingernails were much the same and both hands and feet seemed to have pads on them. He was grinning widely at Alex his eyes looking directly at Alex. Alex found himself rather unnerved by this boy and turned to the Duchess. “Who is this boy on your hearth?”

The Duchess snorted and said, “That is no boy. That is a Cheshire Cat. That’s why he grins. Pig!”


Alex jumped as the Duchess screamed this word thinking he was being insulted. But then he saw the Duchess shaking the screaming baby and realized she was talking to him. Privately agreeing with the child’s name, Alex said, “I didn’t know that cats could be so…human-like.”

The Duchess laughed and said, “Only Cheshire Cats look like that. That’s why not many people own one. And the moral of that story is “Buyer Beware!”.”

Alex nodded absently and said, “Why does he grin so much?”

The Duchess tossed a plate at the cat who didn’t even flinch and continued staring at Alex. The Duchess shook her head and said, “All Cheshire Cats grin incessantly.”

Alex looked thoughtful and said, “I didn’t know that.”

The Duchess looked at him with disdain and said, “Well you don’t know much. And that’s a fact!”

Alex didn’t like the tone in the Duchess’ voice and decided to think of something else to say. He looked over at the cook who suddenly shouted, “Needs more Peppa!”
The cook’s accent was rather thick making it hard to understand him, but Alex was almost sure that was what he said. Regardless, the cook took the smoking pot off the stove (without using oven mitts Alex noticed nervously) and instead began throwing anything within his reach at the Duchess and the baby. Whether or not they actually got hit, the Duchess just ignored it and the baby was still screaming so madly that Alex wasn’t sure if getting hit was even hurting him.

Alex winced as he saw a plate shatter on the Duchess’ head the shards sprinkling down onto the baby. “Careful! He’s just a baby!”

The Duchess glared at Alex and said, “If everyone minded his own business the world would turn a great deal faster!”

Alex nervously laughed and said, “Well it’s a good thing it doesn’t then. If the world turned any faster we wouldn’t be able to survive on the planet. The seasons would go out of whack and day and night would bleed into each other…”

Alex was happy to prove that he wasn’t an idiot and that he did have an education. He happily went on, “Or didn’t you know that the world turns on an axis—“
“Speaking of axes,” The Duchess said happily. “Chop of his head!”

Alex quickly stopped talking and looked at the cook to see if he was reaching for the axe leaning against the wall but he was still tending to the simmering soup. He was muttering to himself in a different language the only clear word being “Peppa” spoke over in a feverish way. Seeing that he wasn’t about to be murdered, Alex turned back to the Duchess and said,

“There are twenty four hours in a day, you see, and—“

He was interrupted again by the Duchess who shouted, “Oh who cares? I can’t abide talking about figures!”

Alex sighed as the Duchess continued bouncing the baby on her lap starting to sing a song:

“Speak roughly to your little boy and beat him when he sneezes; he only does it to annoy, because he knows it teases!” (Here the Duchess shook the baby spurring it along with the cook to sing the chorus.)

“Wow, wow, wow!” (The Duchess shook the baby some more making the wows sound blurred as the Duchess sang the next verse.)

“I speak roughly to my little boy and beat him when he sneezes; For he can thoroughly enjoy the pepper as he pleases!” (The Duchess tossed the baby into the air a few times making the last few wows seem to fade in and out.)

“Wow, wow, wow!”

“Here! You can take care of him for awhile!” The Duchess shouted tossing the baby at Alex instead of into the air. “I have to prepare to play croquet with the Queen!”

She scurried off deeper into the mansion followed by a large frying pan tossed by the cook with a shout of, “PEPPA!!!”

Alex hastily caught the hideous baby and turned to the cook. The cook glared at him over the still smoking pot and Alex decided it was time to leave. Alex managed to close the door just as the cook was reaching for a fire iron. Alex heard it clang immensely against the wooden door and ran away as fast as he was able into the woods. He didn’t stop until the mansion was completely out of sight. He then stopped under a tree, panting. “So much for asking for directions.” He thought dismally.

It wasn’t until the baby started screeching again that Alex even noticed he was still holding it. Alex was disturbed to see the baby’s nose was upturned like a pigs. Alex felt sorry for him. Just because he was hideous didn’t mean he deserved to have his nose bashed in by a crazy cook. Alex had to give the Duchess credit for finding a man willing to relate with her to create a baby, though he must’ve not been much of a looker either. Alex suddenly realized that the Duchess had been a woman. A perfectly hideous woman, yes, but a woman all the same. Alex had been thinking there was no such thing as women in this world, though if the Duchess was the best example of woman in this world he could understand why White was seeking solace with Marty. Alex remembered the invitation from the Queen. He had heard people talking about this Queen before, but he couldn’t quite remember if they had ever indicated a gender. He would naturally assume that the Queen was a woman but in this place who knew? As Alex thought he came to the conclusion that regardless of gender he didn’t want to have to meet with this Queen unless he absolutely had too. In fact, he would be happy just going home. This place had been fascinating but all the arguing and craziness was starting to wear on his nerves. He was so absorbed in his thoughts that he had nearly forgotten the baby. When he looked back down at it he was shocked to see that the baby was no longer human, but had turned into a pig! Alex dropped the squealing pig as it trotted away into the woods, the baby’s bonnet still on its head. Alex wasn’t sure about anything anymore though he had to admit the baby made for a rather handsome pig. He sighed and wondered if he was going crazy. He turned and saw a path leading away from the mansion and in a separate direction he had been walking. He had taken only a few steps before he saw the Cheshire Cat staring at him from a tree branch, his tail swinging slowly below him. He was still grinning and Alex, feeling crazier than ever, said, “Excuse me, but do you know the way I should go from here?”

The Cat said, “Well that very much depends on where you want to go.”

Alex, no longer feeling as crazy (or perhaps feeling even crazier?) said, “I really don’t care where—“

“Then it shouldn’t matter which way you go.” The cat interjected.

“so long as I go somewhere!” Alex finished.

The Cat sat up and swung his legs back and forth as he said, “Oh you’re sure to do that so long as you walk long enough.”

Alex nodded. This was true, but not very helpful. Trying a different tactic Alex said, “What sort of people live around here?”

The Cat seemed to like this question since he eagerly pointed to the right and said, “In that direction lives a fitness instructor. In that direction,” he pointed left. “is a nutritionist.”
Alex smiled and said, “I think I’ll go visit the fitness instructor.”

The Cat nodded and said, “Oh that’s a splendid idea! He’s mad though.”

Alex stopped dead in his tracks and said, “Mad like angry mad or…?”

“Mad like, as a hatter.” The Cat replied giggling to himself as though at some sort of private joke.

Alex quickly made an about face and said, “Perhaps the nutritionist would be a better idea.”

The Cat nodded again and said, “Oh certainly a better idea. But he’s mad as well.”

Alex stopped again and said, “But I don’t want to be among mad people!”

The Cat’s suddenly lifted his head off and dropped it on the ground. His body slipped off the tree branch and landed on his head rolling around on it. The head still talked perfectly and
said, “Oh you can’t help that we’re all mad here. I’m mad, you’re mad. Can you stand on your head?”

Alex ignored the question and said, “How do you know I’m mad?”

The Cat rolled around Alex and said, “You must be, or you wouldn’t have come here.”

Alex hadn’t thought about that before. Could it be that the only reason he came here was because he was crazy? It wasn’t a very appealing thought and Alex decided not to dwell on it since it wouldn’t help his current position even if it was true. Instead he asked, “How do you know you’re mad?”

The Cat suddenly jumped forward and landed on his hands, his feet grabbing his head and holding it up to Alex’s. “Let me ask you a question. A dog is mad, correct?”

Alex stepped back not liking the proximity of the Cat’s face. He had just noticed small whisker marks on the boy’s cheeks. He looked away and said, “Yes, I suppose they can be mad.”

The Cat grinned and said, “Well when a dog is angry it growls and when it’s happy it wags its tail. But I growl when I’m happy and wag my tail when I’m angry. Ergo, I’m mad!”

Alex grabbed the Cat’s head and said, “I’d call it purring not growling.”

The Cat got to his feet and took back his head placing it on his shoulders. “Call it what you like. Are you going to go play Croquet with the Queen?”

Alex suddenly remembered his previous mental debate with himself and said, “Is the Queen a girl?”

The Cat grinned even more widely and said, “Oh yes. She’s a very particular woman but you’ll find that out when you meet her.”

Alex shook his head and said, “I haven’t been invited to play though. I don’t even know how to play Croquet!”

The Cat merely shrugged and said, “You’ll see me there.”

Before Alex could say anything else the Cat disappeared. Alex stepped carefully where the Cat had been and found that he was well and truly gone. Shrugging Alex started walking to the nutritionist’s house when the Cat suddenly appeared in front of him again. Alex jumped back and nearly shouted with surprise. The Cat tilted his head and said, “By-the-bye, whatever happened to the baby?”

Alex gulped a little and said, “He turned into a pig.”

The Cat nodded and said, “I thought so. Was it just me or was that the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen?”

Alex agreed and the Cat continued, “The saddest part is, the Duchess will never know. An ugly baby is simply a subject that you never bring up.”

Alex said, “It’s definitely a no talk subject.”

The Cat agreed and disappeared again. Alex hadn’t taken two steps before the Cat was back again. “Did you say pig or fig?”

“I said pig!” Alex said. “And would you please stop appearing and disappearing so much? You’re making me nervous.”

“Terribly sorry.” The Cat said. “Good-bye.”

This time the Cat disappeared very slowly. His feet, his legs, then his body, followed by his hand and arms, and then his neck until the only thing left was his head. That too soon followed until the only thing left was the Cat’s grin. That too, disappeared. Alex shook his head and said, “Well I’ve seen a cat without a grin but I’ve never seen a grin without a cat.”
Shaking his head, Alex just continued walking toward the nutritionist’s house hoping that he would be able to find a place to relax a little instead of this constant barrage of activity.

[cesarvillavi]

I love this story. Alice in WOnerland has always been one of my favorite books. I think that the next thing to come is that, for the nutrionisnt it will always be the time for a protein shake.

[innocence]

Pity there hasn't been any sexual tension in the story yet. The cheshire cat seems the perfect character to start with, since he's such a perpetual tease.

[TheMM]

Originally Posted by innocence

Pity there hasn't been any sexual tension in the story yet. The cheshire cat seems the perfect character to start with, since he's such a perpetual tease.

Well, to be honest, there's no rule that says there must be sex in these stories.

[sexiscriptor]

the cheshire cat IS a bit of a tease, heh; still sexual tension or not, I like this story, if only out of a deep love for the original. Still, i wouldn't mind something sexual here or there, but maybe it wouldn't jive with the story--this or the original....
oh well.
keep on chuggin on, man, sorry i didn't comment sooner!
~Palmer