Dungeons, Dragons and Idiots

[Demandred]

Hey guys, just something that popped into my head a while ago and I got around to starting it. Just a few disclaimers here. I haven't played Dungeons and Dragons, and my experience of World of Warcraft is very limited! Most of what I'm going by is what I imagine these specific classes to be. So please don't go too PC on me, and don't let my ignorance ruin the experience. It's all meant in a lighthearted way.

Also, as usual with my first part there's hardly anything in the way of growth. Just setting the scene, etc. If this is going somewhere, great! If it's not working, then let me know. I don't want to write any more without a general thumbs up, though I do have a vague idea of where it's going.

Ok, enough rambling. Enjoy.

- Dem








Damian heard rumours, but that was all they were. Rumours about mirrors which, when you looked in them, they turned into silver pools which you could walk through. Then, on the other side, it was all different. If Alice Through The Looking Glass was anything to go by, it would be more like a drug-inspired experience, but rumours were what kept lessons interesting in a small town like Shrovefield.

?You shouldn't keep falling asleep in lessons,? Kieran told him on the way back from college. ?I'm surprised you pass all these tests.?

Damian shrugged, but that was the only answer he had to offer. Kieran shook his head and punched him in the shoulder. Being brothers, there was always that edge of competition to whatever they did. They weren't twins, though ? Kieran was born in September, and Damian at the start of the following July, putting them both in the same year at school. They didn't look like twins, either. Kieran was quite tall, with blonde hair and a ready smile for anyone who cared to pay attention to him. On the other hand, Damian was shorter and rather slim, with dark hair and dark eyes he took from his father's side. Despite being older, Kieran never thought to be any less competitive.

?What were you thinking of, then?? He asked his younger brother as he rolled over the white fence to the house.

?Nothing much,? Damian said offhandedly, using the gate like a normal person would. ?Mirrors.?

The look Kieran gave him was patronising. ?You shouldn't smoke so much weed you know.?

?I don't-? Damian began, but Kieran went inside, shutting the red door in his face. With some muttering, the teen went up to his room to sort his stuff out. It was Friday, the weekend was theirs to waste. Kieran was off out with his friend Henry and a couple of other guys. Damian settled himself into his work, and when Kieran banged on his door it was almost 8pm.

?Last chance Damian... you coming??

?No thanks,? he called. He heard Henry mutter something, but Kieran ignored whatever was said. Damian waited until he heard the front door downstairs close, then went downstairs for a drink and something high in sugar. Rummaging through the kitchen, he soon had a glass of milkshake and a pack of biscuits. Even when Mum worked late she remembered to leave dinner in the microwave as well, though Damian could easily cook for himself. He put that on to heat up as well, sitting in the living room to wait.

The house was quiet, which was relaxing. Damian leaned back and rubbed his eyes. The room was getting to him. The fireplace was wavering in his vision, showing he must have tired himself out working. But when he looked up, he realised that it was only one part of the room swimming ? the large mirror in front of the fireplace. Damian thought it was just his eyes, at first. But when he got to his feet, it was definitely the mirror swirling, a mercury pool which reflected nothing.

Not knowing what else to do, he walked closer to it. The surface was just asking to be touched. Damian held up his hand, tentatively touching a finger against it. When it sank through like cold water, he gasped. Almost without thought he climbed up onto the fireplace and pushed himself in his entirety through the mirror.


***


He landed in his own living room. It wasn't the same one he had left, though. His glass on the glass table was not there, and there was no TV. In its place sat a man in a large chair. Not a man... a wizard. At least, Damian hoped he was, judging by his purple robes with the moon and star design. The hat was ostentatiously erect.

Damian realised the fire was lit, and his back was rather hot. Moving away from it, he sat on the sofa and looked around. The windows were blacked out, and the doors to the other rooms were closed. Damian found himself shying away from the idea of looking anywhere outside the room, instead looking over at the man... wizard... guy, in his chair. He was knitting.

?Hi,? he offered.

The man put the knitting down (it was a scarf), and looked right at Damian with his eyes bulging. ?I can't believe it!? He remarked, in a velvet voice. ?After almost four long, long years of waiting, The Destined One has come through The Great Mirror Of Righteousness!?

?It took you four years to knit that much of a scarf?? Damian asked.

?I normally crochet, but I lost my hook. I don't want to talk about it.?

?Oh. What do you want to talk about then??

?You're the Destined One! Let's start there.?

?Cool. I guess. So...? Damian shrugged.

?What?? The man asked.

?You could tell me your name.?

?Oh, yes. I'm Merlina. I'm the elderly man who explains everything before letting you go off on an adventure.?

Oh great, I'm talking to a man one letter away from some serious copyright infringement. Damian kept a straight face. ?So, where am I??

?This is a parallel world, of course. But it's nothing like yours. It's a world full of magic, intrigue, and stuff.?

?Sounds rivetting.? Damian got to his feet and walked over to the door to the kitchen.

?Don't do that!? Merlina called. Damian turned and raised a brow.

?I live here, I can do what I like.?

?You don't live in THIS house. This is completely different. You can't leave until you choose a Class, anyway.?

?A Class?? Damian turned from the door and sat down again. On the glass table before him were five boxes, of varying colours. Red, blue, yellow, green and a garishly neon pink. He winced a little.

?Yes, a Class. You're the Destined One, remember? You have to pick a Class, go out there and kill lots of the same thing to level up. Then you can kill the big bosses and bring balance back to the world. Which would be nice, then I could leave this room. It's a curse, you see. I have to order my wool from the farmer, and he hasn't been here for ages. I only have my burnt sienna and tropical yellow threads left, and they look like a pair of 70s curtains when you put them together...?

?Right...? Damian said slowly. ?So I pick a Class, then go out there and kick metaphorical and literal ass??

?That's correct!? Merlina said cheerily. ?Now pick a box, and reveal your Class!?

?What are the Classes then?? Asked Damian warily.

?There's five different classes. You have the Priest, your general healer. They smite the undead...?

?There's undead around here?!? Damian asked incredulously, but the wizard carried on.

?Then there's the Mage casts spells and wears floaty robes. The Paladin and the Barbarian are two fighters. The Paladin is the epitome of all that is good. He fights for justice and truth, as the good Destined One should. The Barbarian hits stuff, and hard. Then last of all you have the Druid. I don't know what that class is there for, I was going to put the Bard one there but they were all out of those.? Merlina took a deep breath.

?So which is which?? Damian asked, fancying himself to be a good Mage.

?Ahhh. This is where it gets interesting.? The wizard looked a little shiftily at Damian.

?You don't even know? What if I end up as a Priest or something?! They always die first!? Damian sighed. ?Can I come back when I've thought about it??

?I suppose. It is a great decision. But as the Destined One, I know you will make the right choice. I can feel it in my heart.?

?Great. So I'll see you later, yeah?? Damian got up and moved over to the mirror. The reflection began to waver as he got closer. When he put his body back through, he thought he heard Merlina sigh.


***


The microwave went off. Frowning, Damian looked at the clock. It was 8pm. So time doesn't even pass when I'm in there, he realised. Turning around, he looked at the mirror with an urge to go back in. Only, everything that seemed so normal on that side, was so weird on this side of the mirror. Classes. Destined One. Wizard knitting. Ha! Damian went into the kitchen, and took his food out the microwave. He ate it tastelessly in the living room, watching the mirror with a wary eye. He expected the TV to turn into Merlina, complaining about how he had no crochet hooks. He missed the man, although they had only spoken for about ten minutes overall. Sure enough, Damian's watch told him it was 8:15.

Damian was still chewing mindlessly when Kieran entered the room. Damian heard some giggling and muttering behind the door.

?Forgot my phone,? Kieran shrugged as he picked it up off the shelf. Both Kieran and Damian saw the mirror as it wavered. The older brother looked at the younger with wide eyes. ?Did you see that??

?Yeah.? Damian shrugged. ?I've been through it.?

?Bullshit.?

?I can show you. It won't take any time at all.? Damian was on his feet, ready to show him how it worked.

?I can do it myself, thanks.? Kieran rammed his hand at the mirror. There was a thud, and Kieran cursed a few times.

?Watch,? Damian said patiently. ?You're not the Destined One, it won't work unless I take you through.? Where did that knowledge come from, he wondered to himself.

?What have you been taking?? Kieran asked, but he stood back and nursed his hand as Damian put his hand against the mirror. It slid through again, and Kieran swore loudly.

?Come on,? Damian said as he climbed up. His brother followed him through.


***


Damian turned to see Kieran follow him through the mirror, his eyes wide as he took in the scene. Only, as soon as he came through he was soon followed by someone else.

?Henry, what are you doing in here?? Damian growled. Henry stood up at his full height, the same as Kieran's, and folded his arms. After him came two girls, presumably their dates for the night. Damian recognised them as Jude and Madeline, two girls from college.

?What is this, a social gathering or something?? Merlina asked from his chair.

?What's going on? This is so cool!? Madeline tittered, her and Jude clinging together in their excitement.

Damian sighed. ?You guys... I don't want you here. This is my story, I'm the Destined One so go find your own pissing mirror!?

?But Damian, there's five of you... and there's five boxes,? Merlina pointed out. Damian cut his eyes at the wizard, but the other four were already mulling around the table.

?What are these??

?Can I have one??

?Those are Classes, you pick one and-?

?They're what??

?Classes! For the love of all that is good sit down and shut up!? Damian snapped. The four of them actually sat down, and were silent. ?Good! Right. Erm... Merlina??

Merlina put his knitting down and looked at the four sat on the sofa. ?Damian is the Destined One, destined to go on a great journey to defeat all the evil and restore balance to this world. There are five Classes he can choose from ? there is effectively one for each of you. There is the Priest, the Mage, the Druid, the Paladin and the Barbarian.?

?I've heard of those from somewhere. That online game.? Henry looked thoughtful under his furrowed brow.

?The one you play where you kill the same thing for hours on end?? Asked Jude.

?Yeah, that one. At least you share experience in a group,? Henry mused.

?Ok. Great. Are we going to pick or not?? Asked Kieran.

?How are we gonna do this then?? I want the red one,? Madeline announced. She grabbed it as Jude took the yellow one.

Damian saw what was going to happen before it did. But he was too far away; when he got to the table, Kieran had the blue one and Henry had the green box. He was left with the great flaming neon pink box.

?Great. Just great.?

?How do you open it?? Asked Jude.

?Like this.? Merlina waved his hand, and where the door to the kitchen was, five doors appeared. The same colours as the boxes, no less. ?Go in your respective door and reveal your Class to yourself!?

The girls went straight into theirs, slamming the doors, Kieran grinned at Damian before following. Henry went into his with a grimace at the unexpected.

?The pink one isn't bad, I don't think...? Merlina said gently.

?You're old, you're knitting and your name is Merlina. Not really an unbiased opinion.? Damian went into the pink door with a huff.

The inside was a large changing room, all in pink, with a large mirror. Damian put the box in the alloted slot, and waited to see what Class he was. A hole in the roof dropped his new clothing on him, and amongst the pile was a letter. Damian picked that up, moving the clothes without looking.

?Barbarian, train your rage well? was all it said. Damian held up the clothes, and found it was exactly what he feared. A pair of leather boots, made to fit his feet exactly. Size 9, they said on the bottom, made of brown leather and tough to the touch. A matching pair of heavy gloves, which ran halfway to the elbow. A pair of... furry pants, with a red cloth with hung in front and behind. There was some kind of upper body armour, which would have suited someone built like your stereotypical barbarian, but for Damian it was ridiculously silly looking. There was even the powerful looking belt. All it needed was some necklace made from teeth and bones, and for him to grow his hair into a wild wavy mess.

?I am so not wearing this.? Damian put the stuff in his backpack (how it appeared there was a convenient twist to the plot) and went back outside.

?Are you ready to take your weapon, er...? Merlina paused.

?I don't want to wear that stuff. I'd look stupid.?

?Your call, Destined One. Barbarian, eh... here's your weapon!? From the mirror came a large sword. A very large sword, broad and overcompensating.

?Figures.? Damian held it in his hands. ?I can barely hold it up.?

The yellow door opened, and Jude appeared.

?I'm Jude the Druid!? She announced. Her long blonde hair, once in a ponytail, was loose about her body. She wore a soft fur cape, some gloves, and a flowing dress which stopped short of the knees. She had bare feet, and the modest neckline was actually undone to reveal her generous cleavage.

?I think a man designed your outfit,? Damian observed.

?Cute isn't it?? Asked Jude with a smile. Her blue eyes twinkled at the plain staff Merlina called from the mirror for her. It was a little gnarled, but that was how Druids worked apparently. As if she knew.

Madeline was no better. Her red dress was to her knees, but the silk clung to her figure. The long sleeves draped over her slim hands, and her swanlike figure was only emphasised by the way she held her chestnut hair in the loosest of ponytails. The curls escaped the confines, one ringlet getting in the way of her gaze every so often. As Damian observed the not-quite translucent qualities of her dress, her hair blew in an imaginary wind.

?Where's your costume, Damian?? Asked Madeline as she took the slim, straight staff offered to her. It had a red jewel on the end.

?Who cares? We are so cute!? Jude squealed.

?That's true,? agreed Madeline. ?Where are the boys??

?Coming!? Called Henry. When he appeared, it was clear he was the Priest. Only, he was a cool looking Priest, with dark blue robes lined with black. His weapon was just a black book.

?Is that the bible?? Asked Jude.

?No, it's blank inside. I guess I put spells in when I learn them.? Henry smiled, pushing his glasses up his nose. He seemed to suit the role of Priest, admitted Damian.

?That means Kieran is the Paladin, right?? Asked Madeline. Sure enough, the man who left the blue door was a Paladin. He had the hard-assed shiny silver armour, the clunking boots, the shoulders of a Paladin. The look of a Paladin. The blonde hair and blue eyes worked so well for him, as he smiled at the room. Damian expected flowers to bloom in the gardens, though they weren't actually outside. It was just that look.

?Oh, a sword to smite evil with and a dashing shield!? Kieran held the bright blue and silver shield in his right hand, and swung his sword at the nearest vase with his left. The thing sliced right in half. ?Sweet. So, you're the Barbarian, Damian??

?My outfit doesn't fit,? Damian said automatically.

?Well, mine fits perfectly!? Kieran announced. ?So do yours,? he added to the girls. Jude and Madelina smiled and twittered.

?So, are we going to go out and what we're destined to do?? Asked Henry. ?I want to learn some spells and stuff.?

?You can't leave without a mission objective,? warned Merlina. ?You probably know that time passes differently here. However long you spend here, no time at all will pass in your world. So there's no rush. But if you die here, you won't be going back there any time soon.?

?Yeah yeah. What's the mission?? Kieran asked.

?Well, you've only just got your abilities. You need to go and level up some before you can take on something really evil, like a wild bear. For now, you should roam the local forest and kill any unassuming wild pigs which come too close to you, and maybe even the odd young wolf.?

?That sounds like a really fun idea. Let's go guys.? Kieran headed to the front door, and the others followed. Damian brought up the rear.

?Damian. You'll grow into your Class, I promise.? Merlina winked, picking up the knitting once more. Damian rolled his eyes and dragged his sword through the front door...

? and gaped at where they were. The house was seemingly planted in the middle of a forest.

?Nothing like that other place, is it?? Kieran asked.

?Not at all.? Jude's silliness seemed to fade as she looked around. ?There's great evil here... I can feel the fear in the earth itself...?

?Oh Jude, that's so cool!? Madeline gasped.

?I know, isn't it just!? Jude replied.

?Right. Let's go out and kill some stuff then, eh?? Kieran took the lead down the steps and into the woodland. Everone followed, waving their weapons and the like. All apart from Damian, anyway.

It didn't take long to find their first victim. The wild pig was snuffling around in a pool of mud. The pigs were everywhere, but the first time they had to kill together.

?Look, it's in its own territory. A ranged attack is best to eliminate that advantage.? Madeline promptly whipped out a spellbook from nowhere. ?Erm... right. This is weird.?

?What?? Asked Jude.

?Oh, nothing.? Madeline threw a hand out at the pig. Nothing happened.

?What does it tell you to do?? Asked Henry.

?Nothing. But I thought that might work...? Madeline kept throwing a hand out at the pig. ?I want to set it in fire!? With the final word, a fireball erupted from her hand. The pig was, alas, roasted.

?Whoo! Go you, you sexy little mage!? Kieran grinned, giving her a hug. Jude and Henry looked just as excited. ?Oh, it... dropped a bag of money. Weird.?

?We may as well share our takings, when we need to buy food and stuff.? Madeline picked the bag out the mud with her staff. ?Ooh, 7 copper pieces. I guess they don't take card here.?

?You left it in your changing room anyway! Only Damian brought his Other World stuff with him.? Jude said. They all paused for a moment at Jude's words.

?We...? Henry began, then swallowed. ?We aren't going to totally forget, are we? Who we are. Were. Are. I don't know anymore.? Nobody knew what to say. After some pondering, they decided that they may as well kill some more unsuspecting animals.

?Look, it's my turn. Let me kill this pig.? Kieran ran at the animal, and rammed it through with his sword. ?Look! See that?? the animal, now dead, disappeared and left another small bag of gold.

?I can look after that,? Madeline said. She put the copper pieces into a mysterious hideaway upon her person.

?Your turn Jude!? Kieran said. The Druid paused, looking around.

?Give me a moment. I'm one with the earth, you know. I can't just kill anything unless I have a reason.?

?Exp?? Henry suggested.

?Fine...? Jude shrugged. She proceeded to bat at a pig with her staff. The thing rolled over, and Jude was victorious. ?Hurrah!?

?A noble victory!? Kieran said. ?Come on Henry, do your thing.? Kieran pointed to the pig heading in their direction.

?Erm...? Henry faltered. ?Is it an Undead pig??

?No, it's taking a shit. Come on, kill it!? Kieran insisted.

?I'm the Priest! It'll kill me! I just stand back and Heal until I learn some awesome holy moves!? Henry insisted. ?Let the Barbarian kill something.?

?Oh yeah... come on Damian, it's your turn,? Jude said.

?To kill a pig?? Damian repeated. The whole time he had watched, and grimaced. ?In the name of Exp, I suppose I could.? He headed towards the pig, dragging his sword behind him.

?You have to lift it up!? Said Madeline helpfully.

?Thanks for that,? Damian sighed. He lifted the heavy weapon with both hands, and let it drop upon the pig. That did the trick.

?That wasn't so bad!? Kieran said, ?Though I did it better.?

?Your sword weighs less than mine,? Damian sighed. He was starting to regret letting the other four come along. "And it wasn't exactly attacking me..."

?Hey, look at that.? Madeline pointed to a glowing pig.

?A glowing pig?? Asked Henry. ?No, THE Glowing Pig. That's a mini boss, right??

?I think so. Let's kill it.? Kieran ran ahead, and the other four followed in their usual way of mixed levels of enthusiasm. By the time Damian got there, Kieran was on his back and the glowing pig was sat on him.

?Kieran! Oh my... Kieran, be strong! We'll save you!? Madeline called. ?I can't set it on fire, Kieran will get hurt!? She added to Jude. ?Use your earth powers!?

?Well, I can try. Being one with the Earth has its uses.? She closed her eyes, and there was a breeze. It was a regular one though, not a dramatic one. In the silence, the pig broke wind.

?Come on guys!? Kieran called.

?Maybe we can distract it. Hey, Glowing Pig! I take less hits to kill. Come after me!? Henry moved in closer. The Glowing Pig stared, and Henry quailed.

?It'll destroy you!? Madeline gasped. ?Move away!? But Henry was glued to the spot, unable to move.

Damian rolled his eyes. This was getting silly. The pig was moving closer, and nobody was doing anything. He moved in with his sword without thinking, obliterating the pig with no effort at all. Only afterwards did he realise he had lifted the sword easily.

?You saved us, Damian.? Kieran said, getting to his feet. ?Look, it dropped a silver piece. Wow. Good work.?

They all felt the effects of levelling up. It hit Damian the most acutely, though. It was a searing fire through his body, causing him to drop his sword.

?Damian?? Madeline asked from where she was admiring her elf ears. ?Are you alright?? They all crowded about him as he stood there, eyes shut, gripping his chest. Right there, the young man jolted and visibly grew. It was only an inch or so in height, but it was noticeable in the way he was nearly as tall as Henry. His clothes were tighter, too. The jeans were more snug, the dark shirt outlining his shape more. He even looked like his hair had grown a little as well. He needed a shave, judging by the new stubble.

?We're growing into our Classes more. Look, I'm a Mage. And I'm an Elf. I'm an Elf Mage!? Madeline said excitedly.

?I was going to mention, we need more diverse races. Can't be racist,? Henry mused. ?So we have an Elf now, that's cool. As long as none of us get short and grow massive beards. That's not cool.?

Damian turned around, running a hand over his new body. He really was growing into his Class...

[Speaker]

Well IM surprised theres been no response to this yet. As an avid video game player, I heartily approve of this story. And you write it in a very entertaining fashion, with alot of tongue-in-cheek humor. I know the feeling when a wild boar drops a bag of coins, or when a bird drops an axe twice the size of the bird that it dropped from, or when you slaughter the population of boars in an area only to find that apparently none of them had heads, hearts, or internal organ of your choice.

My favorite was still from Diablo 2 where the swarm of bugs dropped a sword.

Getting back to the story though, I have to say that its got alot of potential. I hope he really "grows into" his character a bit more! Keep it up!

[UrGaath]

slow to get to the muscle, but entertainingly written.

Have no fear, nobody is going to take you to task for not following the rules of any particular gaming system. You have the taste of them in general, and that's what you were obviously aiming for, and you solidly hit that mark. And there's no politics, so we can't get PC on you, now, can we?

Now give him some more kills, and have the paladin bathe him with holy water and the druid caress him with rose petals! (just suggestions...)

[denisovitch]

I'm really enjoying this. Good work, it has the possibility to be a real story, not just a fetish rambling, which, don't get me wrong, those have their place, but it's nice to have more sometimes. As a casual gamer, I enjoy the world you're building for them, and as a reader, I appreciate the subtle ways you're building characters. Can't wait for the updates.

[Cheesewulf]

nice done so far, keep it up, I'm curious

[Lucas88]

Just found this...don't know much about D&D but I'm enjoying this...the dynamics between the brothers is great...Damian's wit and sarcasm are perfect...looking forward to more!!!

[chocomus]

lol "in the name of EXP"
cool. I hope he grows more... into his class

[ljobenza]

Haha, as someone who've played WoW and plenty of other D&D inspired games I really relate to this story a lot. Very exciting and humorous. And the thought of Damien turning into a barbarian is getting me pretty excited.

[unbreakable]

Originally Posted by ljobenza

Haha, as someone who've played WoW and plenty of other D&D inspired games I really relate to this story a lot. Very exciting and humorous. And the thought of Damien turning into a barbarian is getting me pretty excited.

I also play lots of D&D, and I agree. I'm wondering though if what changes they go through in this world effect them in the "real world". I would guess so since dieing is final. (I also hope so. )