The Summer of 1981, Part 16: Hard To Say

[Padraig]

I hope you are all having a wonderful summer and enjoying the story so far - it seems like it's been flying by to me. I can't believe it's almost been a month since I posted the first part of this series!

For those of you who would like to catch up, here are links to the earlier chapters:

Part 1: The Best of Times
Part 2: Wasn't That A Party
Part 3: The Boy From New York City
Part 4: The Voice
Part 5: Feels So Right
Part 6: Sausalito Summernight
Part 7: The Waiting
Part 8: All I Have To Do Is Dream
Part 9: Urgent
Part 10: The Theme From The Greatest American Hero
Part 11: Rock And Roll Dreams Come Through
Part 12: Life of Illusion
Part 13: America
Part 14: Deep Inside My Heart
Part 15: Mister Sandman


Any feedback is very much appreciated - I would love to hear from those of you who have been reading. Or if you just want to reminisce about some of your favorite music or memories from 1981, please feel free to share. Thanks!!


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On Saturday morning, Tug walked along the pathway outside of his Ben’s house, and then sprinted up the porch, three steps at a time, until he reached the front door. Usually a man his size would be huffing and puffing after bounding up a flight of stairs, but Tug’s month of conditioning was beginning to pay off, and he completed the task with ease and grace.

The door opened and Ben appeared, wearing a big smile on his face, his two-sizes-too-small-thin-canary-yellow-t-shirt, and his white athletic shorts. Tug smiled when he saw the ensemble, knowing that today would be another ‘peek-a-boo’ day.

He hasn’t worn that shirt since a week ago Tuesday. I was wondering when it would come back into the rotation.

“Hey, buddy,” greeted Ben. “Are you ready to blast your legs and shoulders today?”

“You know it! How’s your morning been so far?”

“Not much to it, yet. Made my bed, shaved, read the paper. How about you?”

Tug walked into the house while he answered. “About the same. Talked to my parents a little – they are making plans to fly down to see Tim’s first preseason game in August.”

“Cool. Are you going to go with them?”

“I’m not sure yet – I mean, we’re not even sure if Tim will be playing and how much time we would get to actually spend with him.”

“Well, let me know,” said Ben as he shut the door. “I’ll watch for you if the game is on TV.”

The boys sauntered into the kitchen and made a hearty breakfast consisting of oatmeal and scrambled eggs, and then went downstairs to hit the gym. They started their routine with squats, and then followed those up with leg presses, lunges, and leg extensions. As they pumped more and more iron, the air in the basement began to heat up and both boys started sweating. Tug’s dark blue t-shirt got darker and darker as it got wetter, but Ben’s thin cotton t-shirt became more and more transparent with every passing minute, giving rise to what Tug called the ‘peek-a-boo’ effect.

At first, sweat poured down Ben’s face and neck and dampened just the top section of his shirt. As the perspiration began to soak across in a rough v-formation, his glorious chest muscles became more and more evident – even from five feet away, Tug could clearly see the striations through the thin wet fabric. Every time Ben squatted down, his impressive pecs jutted forward, stretching the shirt, and aching to be noticed. And Tug, of course, did notice.

Peek-a-boo, pectorals. I would love for mine to be that big and solid!

As the workout progressed and Ben kept sweating more and more, the dampness spread down to his abdomen and the ridges of his eight-pack became visible whenever he contracted them. Ben loved working his ab muscles whenever he had a chance (sometimes even doing situps while watching TV), and he was always telling Tug that having a strong core was the key to having a strong body.

I see you, abdominal muscles. Gee whiz, nobody could have stronger abs than Ben, which I guess is why he’s so good at so many sports.

Perspiration would also cascade down Ben’s back, especially when doing a strenuous set of walking lunges, to showcase his powerful latissimus dorsi. These muscles, along with his tight mid-section, gave Ben a very noticeable v-shape all along his torso that was envied by any man who saw it. Tug could now be counted in that group, and he often wondered what it would be like to have such a mammoth back.

Peek-a-boo, lats. If I were Ben, I think I would be constantly giving out hugs, just so people would have to reach around me and hopefully comment on the width of my back.

Once they lay down on the bench and started doing leg extensions, the sweat on Ben’s shirt would travel down to his sides and expose his tight obliques. As with every other muscle in Ben’s body, they were strong and well-developed, and they allowed him to excel at any activity, like hitting a home run, that involved twisting or turning his sides.

I see you, obliques. Gosh, it’s like looking at a human anatomy chart. His science teachers probably just have him walk up to the front of the class and take off his shirt rather than use a drawing in a book.

Finally, after soaking almost all of the front and bottom of his shirt, the top section would become drenched with sweat during the latter half of their workout. Eventually Ben’s massive shoulders and arms would make an appearance through the moist cloth, growing larger and larger with each rep and threatening to tear right through.

Peek-a-boo, deltoids, biceps, and triceps! I’m not sure what it is, but there is something so manly about having a big set of arms and shoulders.

At the end of the workout, Ben looked down to see all the sweat that had accumulated across his torso, which was by this time 100% soaked. “Looks like I’m going to need to change my shirt in a few more hours,” he joked.

Tug laughed at the joke, but secretly he wished he was able to pull of the peek-a-boo effect just like Ben.

Maybe in a couple of years, when I’m a big stud, I’ll try it with Tim or Don or Jay and see if they notice.


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Tug and Ben decided to take it easy after their workout and laze away the afternoon with some books. They had finished reading all the adult adventure novels they could find in Aunt Kathy’s library, and the only other ones that looked interesting were a set of Hardy Boys mysteries that she had bought for Ben’s dad when visited as a kid.

Ben grabbed one out first and ended up with “The Mystery of the Desert Giant,” and Tug grabbed second and pulled out “Hunting for Hidden Gold.” They headed outside to their usual reading spot, which was under the large maple tree on the side of the house. The shade provided a great respite from the afternoon heat, but the ground underneath was somewhat rocky and not at all comfortable for sitting, so a few days earlier the boys had moved two old recliners from the basement and placed them side by side under the thick branches.

When they got to the tree, Ben flopped down into his chair on the left, and Tug did the same thing in his chair on the right. They both cracked their books at the same time and began to read.

It was another warm summer day on the island – even in the shade of the maple tree, the temperature had reached 85 degrees – and the only sounds were coming from the occasional rustling of book pages and the chirping of a few birds. The heat and the tranquility soon enveloped Ben, and after about an hour, he put his book down and took a nap. Tug continued until he finished his selection, and then carefully snagged “The Mystery of the Desert Giant” off of Ben’s firm chest and started reading it as well.

Ben slept for about forty-five minutes, and then woke up to find Tug reading his story. “Did you finish yours already?” he asked as he flipped to his side in the chair.

Tug set down his book and turned his head toward his friend. “Yep. I wanted to try another one.”

“That good?”

“Actually,” Tug replied, “I really wasn’t too keen on Joe and Frank’s mystery in the first one.”

“Why not?”

“Well, it wasn’t so much their detective skills that solved the case. It was mostly due to luck – which wasn’t a bad thing, but just not terribly exciting.”

“You’d rather see them work a little harder to figure it out?” asked Ben.

“Yeah. I mean, I’m all for people having good luck, but story-wise it’s a little boring when things magically work out in the end.”

“Well, the Hardys only have a few chapters to solve their cases – I suppose luck is needed every once and a while.”

Tug nodded. “True. I’m probably asking too much of a book geared for 13-year-olds.”

“No, you just like what you like, and you need what you need. And I agree with you – luck and coincidence and perfect timing are sometimes needed to make a narrative work, but it’s also nice to have a little drama and conflict and struggle to see the characters grow. I feel the same way about the last chapter in a story – I don’t always want it end to end with ‘and they lived happily ever after,’ because unhappy endings are necessary, too.”

The words rattled around in Tug’s brain – ‘unhappy endings are necessary?’

What does he mean by that?

Seeing that Tug looked puzzled, Ben continued. “Unhappy endings in stories may not be what the reader wants, but sometimes they are what the reader needs. The readers may even get mad at the author for taking his characters down a depressing road or leaving them with a heartbreaking conclusion, but in time, and with a little perspective, an unhappy ending to a well-written story allows us to really appreciate when things go right for us in real life – like how losing a baseball game makes the next victory all that much sweeter, or in the same way that death gives our life meaning.”

There was a slight wistfulness in Ben’s voice when he spoke, but Tug wasn’t sure if it was significant. He began to wonder why Ben was going down this path.

Did he recently have an ‘unhappy ending?’ Is he expecting one soon? Or am I just reading too much into his words?

“Are you speaking from experience, Ben? I mean, are we still talking about the Hardy Boys here?”

Ben remained quiet for about thirty seconds, as if he was carefully choosing his words. “Remember when I told your parents that sports had me too busy to date. Well, it wasn’t true – I was in a serious relationship for a while, but it had an unhappy ending.”

Tug closed his book and sat up in his chair. “If you’d like to talk about it, you know that I am here for you.”

Ben looked into Tug’s eyes and smiled. “Ok, here goes. It started about eighteen months ago, and the beginning was great. Physically, Kelly and I were very attracted to one another. That’s what initially drew us together – I mean, who wouldn’t want some of this, right?” Ben’s smile changed to a smirk as he flexed his giant bicep.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a total stud, blah, blah, blah,” joked Tug. He raised the hand with the book in it and pretended as if he was going to throw it at Ben, but then at the last second he held on to it and dropped it back down to his lap. “Did you have other things in common?”

“We did. Both of us were athletic and liked sports. Kel was on the track team and loved to swim. Um, we both liked spending time in Central Park. We had a lot of the same friends, and we were in a lot of the same classes at school. And we genuinely loved spending time together.”

“So what happened?”

Ben again hesitated to clearly form his response, and he looked toward the ground as he spoke. “Um...it's hard to say where our love went wrong. It's hard to say just when, too. It’s just that there were complications – sort of like Romeo and Juliet, you know – they adored one another, but there were other factors that kept their love on the rocks.”

“What were the complications, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Part of it was that we worried too much about what others thought. Part of it was that we worried too much about the future held, and I think we both realized it was going to be hard for us to be a couple.”

Tug was confused. “How was it hard? Were you embarrassed to be seen with one another in public or something?”

“No, it was more that we had different expectations of what our first true love would be like – it was supposed to be fireworks and flowers, but it was just a lot of work instead. But it was also hard to walk away from love, because at the time, we thought it may never come again, you know?”

“You felt like you had been lucky to find each other?” asked Tug, trying to get a read on Ben’s face, which was difficult as he was still looking downward.

“Considering how it ended up, I’m not sure if either of us would say we were lucky at love – well, maybe so. There's still a lot of things I’ll never know because it was never easy and it was never clear for Kel and me. We floundered for a long time because neither of us really knew what we really wanted. And eventually, we grew weary of trying to figure it out and just stopped seeing one another. Not much you can do when the feeling is gone...”

“I’m sorry you had to go through it, Ben. I’m sure you must have had a rough time.”

Ben finally looked back up at Tug with tiredness in his eyes. “Yeah, I tried not to dwell too much on the breakup because it was more of a drifting apart – we still saw each other at school all the time, and we wanted each other to be happy. We didn't get our happy ending, but I know it will make me more grateful when I do have one.”

Sensing that his friend was growing weary of the conversation, Tug suggested that they do something physical to feel better. Ben readily agreed, and they decided to take his aunt’s small rowboat out into the water for a change of scenery.

Five minutes later, the boys had doffed their shirts, climbed into the boat, and were afloat on the calm waters of Puget Sound. Ben was rowing at first, with his huge muscles heaving the boat farther and farther from the dock, and Tug was applying sunscreen to his own face, chest, and arms.

But the subject of true love was still weighing heavily on Ben’s mind, so he asked, “Have you ever been in love, Tug?”

Tug stopped putting the lotion on his arms and looked up at Ben. “I guess that’s the subject of the day, huh? Well, my answer would probably have to be no. I’ve had crushes, but I’m pretty sure that it’s never really been love. How did you know you were in love with Kelly?”

Ben’s eyes widened with the question. “Golly, Tug, that’s hard for me to put into words. I guess because we just wanted to be with each other all the time. We couldn’t keep our hands off one another – but now that I say it like that, it doesn’t really sound like love.”

Tug poured more lotion on his hand and started applying it to the back of his neck. “I guess I’ve always thought that in addition to a physical attraction, love would involve a strong mental connection, you know? From the very start, we’d just click right along like we had known each other for a long time. We’d be able to sense what the other is feeling, and we’d be able to…um…um…”

“Finish each other’s sentences?” offered Ben.

“Exactly! That’s how in tune with another we’d be. With a crush it’s just physical, but I think love runs deeper than that.” Tug kept rubbing the lotion on his neck, stretching deeper to get some on his back, but he was having trouble reaching.

“Here, Tug, spin around. I’ll get your back,” said Ben, as he pulled in the oars.

“Thanks, Ben.” Tug handed off the bottle of suntan lotion and slowly and carefully turned around on his seat. Ben squeezed a few dabs in his left hand and began putting it on his friend.

Tug stared off into the distance, not really focusing on anything in particular. “I’d also imagine that when it’s true love, you don’t just think about being with a person, you think about what you can do for the other person in the relationship. How can you make their life better? How can you keep them safe from harm? And without them having to ask, you just do things for them that they couldn’t do on their own.”

Ben nodded, even though he knew Tug couldn’t see him. “I definitely didn’t have that with Kel. Maybe it’s like that Santana song says, ‘I had a dream but it turned to dust. And what I thought was love, that must have been lust.’”

“Only you and Kelly can answer that one for sure.”

“True, true.” Ben kept rubbing Tug’s back, and then offered up a compliment. “You know, Tug, your back is getting really wide back here. I can totally tell a difference from when we first started lifting.”

“Really? You’re kidding?”

“No, really. Your lats are really bulging out. We need to take some measurements when we get back, but I’m betting you’ve put on at least a few inches in the last month.”

Tug grinned ear to ear. “Cool! I’m really grateful to have you as my coach, Ben. I can’t thank you enough.”

“Well, you’re welcome. And I’m sorry to have interrupted your 'love' train of thought.” He finished applying the lotion, and Tug spun back around to face him.

“I guess the only other thing I can think of, and this is based on what my mom said about my dad when they first started dating, is that you notice every little detail about the other person and find it all fascinating. You’d notice when they got a haircut. You would notice their clothes and always try to remember how great they looked in them. If you didn’t see them for a few hours, you’d want to hear about every aspect of their time away from you. You would want to hear them laugh, and hear them sing, and watch them dance, because you would love every single second of it.”

Ben laughed. “Speaking of singing and dancing, Tug, will I be getting a repeat performance of ‘Feels So Right’ anytime soon? That’s been the highlight of my summer so far.”

Tug shrieked out a giggle, thinking back to when he and Ben first met in his living room, and slapped his hand across his forehead. He then sang the first line of the song, “Whisper to me softly, breathe words upon my skin…”

Ben continued the lyric. “No one’s near and listening, so please, don’t say goodbye…”

“Just hold me close and love me, press your lips to mine…”

“Mmmm, mmmm, mmmm, feels so right, feels so right…”

By this point, both boys were laughing so hard, they almost tipped the boat over.

[Padraig]

Sigh. This chapter was inspired by one of my all-time favorite songs, "Hard To Say" by Dan Fogelberg. It was released in the late summer of 1981, and I used to listen to it over and over and over on my record player. In fact, I played Dan's album, "The Innocent Age," and Pat Benatar's "Precious Time," which also was released that summer, so much during the 8th grade that I practically wore them both out by the next summer.

Since there wasn't a video for the original version of "Hard To Say" (just videos featuring later live recordings), I put a simple one together so you could hear it exactly like I did back 28 years ago. Listen for Glenn Frey from The Eagles on backup!

Hard To Say

I also had Ben quote a line from the Santana song, "Winning," in this episode. It's another wonderful song, but I couldn't quite figure out how to use it for a full chapter. But anyway, in case anyone is not familiar with Santana's early 80's stuff, here you go:

Winning

Finally, since I didn't post it the first time, here is a fanvid for Alabama's gorgeous song, "Feels So Right" (played on a turntable, no less!). I must have played this video 1,000 times as I was writing that earlier chapter, and I think my downstairs neighbors thought I was a little insane. Enjoy!!

Feels So Right

[martinp13]

Very nice description of the relationship, but I saw what you and Ben did (or didn't do) there. Well done.

[Padraig]

I'm glad you noticed, Martin, even if Tug and Ben didn't. I only wish I had someone of my own to complete my sentences for me...

[Padraig]

I forgot that I also quoted "Love On The Rocks" by Mr. Neil Diamond in this chapter - a great song from a stinker of a movie. Here's a fanvid of the song for those of you who don't know it (is that even possible?).

Love On The Rocks

[therealm1]

I was a big Hardy Boys fan during my middle school years, and I agree with Tug... I hated the stories where all they needed was luck to solve a case. I savored the stories where real detective work solved a case.

I like what you did with Tug and Ben's conversation regarding good storytelling and of course their final conversation on true love. It tears at my own heart strings!

[Padraig]

Hello Realm -

I'm so glad you are enjoying the story so far - let's hope these boys realize how perfect they are for one another!

As for the Hardy Boys, I spent many a day during the summer of 1981 reading their classic adventures - I was only 13 that year, so they made for perfect diversion on a lazy afternoon.

I even modeled my main characters in this story after them. Tug is my Frank Hardy - slightly older (though only a day older than Ben, I still purposely made him older), slightly taller, with brown hair and brown eyes, and is the more pensive of the duo. I also gave Tug one element from the Hardy's friend Chet Morton - his weight problem.

Ben is my Joe Hardy - slightly younger, not as tall, but more athletic and more action-oriented, and he has blond hair and blue eyes. Then I tossed in one characteristic from their friend Biff Hooper - his super muscular physique. Oh, how I used to love it when Biff was included in the mysteries, and the author would always, always mention his muscles!

I was also a big fan of the Three Investigators during the early 1980's, and when I couldn't my hands on a Hardy Boys book, the adventures of Jupiter, Pete, and Bob were always the next thing I would look for at the library. And just like Biff, I used to love the fact that the authors would always mention Pete's muscular body (and he was funny and cute, too)!

Sigh...

[michaelv2]

This is kittens cuddling with puppies cute. Amazing how well Ben told about his first love with Kelly and never, ever, mentioned his/her gender. Nice job on that.

[Padraig]

Hi Michael -

I'm so glad you like the cuteness - unlike some of the other really great authors on this board, writing the full-on sex stuff has never been my forte, so I tend to stick to the cuddlier side of things.

This chapter was definitely the most difficult for me creatively - I actually practiced conversations with myself so that I could come up with a way for Ben to describe his first love without revealing the gender. And if you notice, with the exception of a few characters mentioned whose names are based on song lyrics (like Jessie and Elvira), all the boys have three-letter first names and all the girls have five-letter first names, so I purposely had Ben refer to that person as both Kelly and Kel.

The other difficult part to write was the section about unhappy endings - it was a necessary part of the story, but it was tough tonally to make it fit between reading the Hardy Boys books and Tug's description of falling in love. Hopefully I was able to get my point across and it seemed like a natural part of the conversation.

There will be another chapter probably on Wednesday of this week - thanks!!

[michaelv2]

It's funny because MY first love's name was Kelly. Not that we ever called it "love", because it wasn't, but he was my first boyfriend. I also lived on Whidbey Island for about 3 years, so the story brings up plenty of memories. Thanks for that.

Michael

[Padraig]

Wow! That's pretty amazing! I almost always tend to think of Kelly as a boy's name myself, as I knew so many of them growing up (in Eastern Washington). According to the Social Security Name website, it even peaked in popularity as a boy's name the year I was born, so I guess it's not unusual I knew so many.

Whidbey Island is a gorgeous place - I love to visit there when I can!