Jealous friends

brent · #1 June 3rd, 2005, 09:59 PM

I've been having an issue lately. A friend of mine that moved down here at about the same time Rob & I moved down here. He seems to have problems that I can't spend all my time with him. He can't even refer to me as going to the gym, he calls it my, "extracurricular activities". He'd much rather I stopped going to the gym, and constantly went drinking, and sun bathing by the pool. I can't think of anything more boring. How can I handle this? It really bugs.

glammaman2000 · #2 June 4th, 2005, 08:50 AM

..."extracurricular activity"?&being a tan drunk is a career?!?

brent · #3 June 4th, 2005, 09:34 AM

Yeah, and I equate tans with skin damage. That's why I love my 85 SPF.

muscle_mastah · #4 June 4th, 2005, 05:52 PM

You could tell him it wouldn't be extracurricular if he tagged along to the gym with you.

Sounds like he not just jealous, could it be love?

brent · #5 June 4th, 2005, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by muscle_mastah

You could tell him it wouldn't be extracurricular if he tagged along to the gym with you.

Sounds like he not just jealous, could it be love?

I tried to get him into the gym, but he was distracted, didn't want to help me change my weights, didn't like the fact that I had body parts I HAD to do that day, etc. I think there might also be a degree of lust there too, but since I'm married, that's inconvenient to say the least.

Gastrocnemius · #6 June 5th, 2005, 07:29 AM

Hi Brent,

I would suggest some honesty to your "friend". It sounds like your friend is pretty self-centered. You could let him know you like your life, you prioritize the way you do for a reason, and his attitude is inappropriate--HE is the one with the problem.

Remind him you've tried to include him in your gym activities which you enjoy and consider very important, and he wasn't interested. His behavior isn't consistent with someone who respects you, your time, and your desires/wants/needs.

Maybe he's just feeling lonely and you are an easy target? You sound like you are in a stable relationship, so don't really have to deal with it so much, but it sounds like he's single (?)... Maybe you could suggest speed-dating or something to him. Online personals are always out there, maybe some activity group for cirrhosis-bound tanners?

In any big city, there's usually cycling clubs, hiking clubs, bridge clubs, language clubs--heck, there's probably drinking clubs too (there's a running/drinking club where I live & their tagline is "a drinking club with a running problem"). It sounds like he's just too busy feeling sorry for himself.

He needs to take control of the situation and help himself rather than blame you for HIS problem.

<getting off soapbox>...

brent · #7 June 5th, 2005, 10:49 PM

Gastrocnemius,

I totally agree. It is HIS problem. I just wish he could honnor the comitment I've made. I think he has issues with commitment & wants me to fill that void. It is frustrating.

Minotaur · #8 June 7th, 2005, 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brent

I've been having an issue lately. A friend of mine that moved down here at about the same time Rob & I moved down here. He seems to have problems that I can't spend all my time with him. He can't even refer to me as going to the gym, he calls it my, "extracurricular activities". He'd much rather I stopped going to the gym, and constantly went drinking, and sun bathing by the pool. I can't think of anything more boring. How can I handle this? It really bugs.

Well, for my money, friends recognize the need for friends to have space and that they have other things to do. I even say this to my partner. I tell him to go out and do things with his friends (then I feel less guilty about doing my thing bwahaha).

Seriously... you have things to do, a life to live and this guy has to recognize and respect that. It may take putting your foot down and getting firm. It's that simple.

dallasmsl · #9 June 12th, 2005, 09:38 AM

Hi Brent,
Some advice to save yourself from your "friend". It sounds as if you've taken different roads and he'd love to pull you off your course and on to his. Be honest with him and explain this to him. If he reacts angrily at you, then you know what to do...break it off. He'll only try to pull you down with him and I know that's not where you want to go. You've already found someone to spend your time with and he's the one that you need to keep. If staying on the right track is what you want to do, then do it.
Dave.

Gastrocnemius · #10 June 12th, 2005, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brent

Gastrocnemius,

I totally agree. It is HIS problem. I just wish he could honnor the comitment I've made. I think he has issues with commitment & wants me to fill that void. It is frustrating.

Hi Brent,

Keep in mind that your partner is YOUR PARTNER. Disrespect toward YOUR PARTNER is disrespect toward YOU. You've made the choices in your life for good reason. <right??>

I don't doubt your fortitude/disinterest in him... But for hypothetical reasons, let's just say you've hit a moment of weakness--do you think this friend is going to look out for YOU? Is this friend someone who respects your decisions to the point that he'll help you out with them even if he doesn't necessarily agree with them?

From what I've heard so far, I would guess he'd only be thinking about himself & his libido.

Good luck.

pdxflex · #11 June 12th, 2005, 09:41 PM

Brent --

I have had the same thing happen to me, and it isn't fun to go through. At first I thought it was me -- I legitimately asked, "Is my friend really trying to tell me something I need to hear?"

After carefully examining that thought, I realized that my friend was trying to fill a hole in his life, and that's what it sounds like here. Clearly, your friend knows this is a passion of yours, and a true friend would try to inspire rather than diminish. Certainly, he should honor commitments you have made.

I think there has been plenty of good advice in this string, and I urge you to take it. A true friend also knows when what he/she thinks is good advice is not being taken -- and let's it go.

Good luck, and I know you will make it through this. Based on all the advice you have given, clearly you are level-headed.

brent · #12 June 12th, 2005, 09:56 PM

Gastrocnemius, I think you misinterpreted that quote. At that moment, I meant my commitment to the gym/my work out. However, you are right (as is everyone else here): he needs to fill the voids in his own life. I have a partner, work, the gym, family, and hobbies. He needs to similarly fill his own life, and not blame me on his own issues. In a way I'm jealous that he has a lot of free time that I don't, but I don't curse him out over the phone regularly over it; that is simply the product of my choices in life.

Gastrocnemius · #13 June 24th, 2005, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brent

In a way I'm jealous that he has a lot of free time that I don't, but I don't curse him out over the phone regularly over it; that is simply the product of my choices in life.

I'm curious how all this turned out? Or has it?

-Gast

brent · #14 June 25th, 2005, 10:42 AM

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]It's still a strained relationship. However, everything has been put on hold while I'm working 2 jobs.[/COLOR]

garrix · #15 July 11th, 2005, 07:56 PM

If its any consolation, i know a little of what its like.

Before i started weights 7 months ago i only had one passion that occupied much of my life, and that was piano- and i had to, on numerous occasions, explain to people (even my girlfriend at one point) that i had to practice and i had to work, and there's time needed for this activity. I have been lucky with my friends, i suppose, as they have all been very accepting of this, or maybe they just didnt care that much? haha.

Anyway, hopefully things will clear up.

brent · #16 July 12th, 2005, 01:14 PM

Yeah, I think things are clearing up, and I need to learn to budget my time better.