A Dragon's Design

[maximum360]

Hi All! Sorry I dropped my previous story - My laptop broke and I haven't had anything to write with :3. To sort-of celebrate my getting a new computer to finally replace the old one, I stayed up ridiculously late and formulated a plot to go around my super all-time favorite super-secret fantasy. Dragons, and Magic, and Growth, and Fireballs, and Intrigue, and if I can write it well enough to go with all the ideas bouncing around in my head, this will be one for the books!

FYI - I err... stole/borrowed/copied the prologue and the race glossary bits from one of my other (non-fantasy, non-growth) stories, therefore they are a little out of place but help give a feel for the (rather expansive!) world I ended up creating in my head over the years. The story takes place in the world of Magia - A world I made up when I was 14, and it's still growing and changing as I add and change bits of it. Please accept minor continuity errors, as I might change or move historical events, etc. as I'm going.... [REMEMBER: I said minor - there won't be any big changes, I promise!]

[I may need assistance assembling and unscrambling all my crazy into a coherent story- anyone willing to volunteer can PM me :3 Otherwise, I'll just work on this in my spare time... and hope it doesn't become a mess ]




----PROLOGUE----
In which a fleeting glimpse of the history of Magia is given

It was the year 1296. Three months had passed since the Satori Proclamation had declared that the primary focus of the Warlock Council would be research and development of new magic. Magic that could be used to make the population stronger, faster, or longer lived. Magic for healing, or magic for strengthening.

A great fight arose on the Council floor. Factions splintered off, quarreling about how magic should be used. Certain elders believed that the balance of nature was of the utmost importance, while still others believed that magic was a gift that should be used to gain leverage over natural forces. Some thought research should be applied to studies of human anatomy, and the betterment of that anatomy. Some believed that the focus should be on the mind, and the barriers of the physical.

The entire expanse of Magia was shattered into separate groups when the Council disbanded over the argument. Each Council faction separated and claimed its own territory within the Empire, and gradually secluded themselves until nothing remained of the Great Warlock Empire. As time passed, the magic that each region practiced shaped their culture, and their landscape shaped their forms. Eventually, no trace of their common lineage remained, and each new race found new names for themselves, and forgot their common heritage.

Centuries passed, and the world has moved on. No one remembers the Golden Age, and each region now has its own people, each as different from each other as the points on a compass.



----RACE GLOSSARY----
For reference ? taken from the Magician's Almanac of Magia, Third Edition: Original scroll version found at the Mage Tower Library (Location: Floor 28 - History and Finance; Section 12, row 11, number 28)

Elves ? Kind and polite, these tall and slender humanoids believe in balance, and are completely in tune with nature. Life and form are sacred to them, and art and music pervade their history and culture. They can do healing and nature magic.

Magicians ? A human race with much magical prowess. They believe in knowledge and inquiry, and scholarship and philosophy are the major part of their culture. Magicians are most adept at fire magic.

Psi ? Another human race, most adept at water magic. They ??? the ??? ??? of ??? ??? ???

<Note>: The remainder of this scroll is illegible, as the trailing end has been burnt.



----CHAPTER 1----
Introductions, introductions

My name is Max, and I'm a Magician Apprentice studying at the Mage Tower of Eldentown. I'm 19. I still have to go through this last year of training and certification before I can graduate as an apprentice earn the title of Magister, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Standing at 5'3?, I'm nothing special, especially with my stringy build and the fact that my robe is just a tiny bit too big. What usually gets people's attention are my eyes, which are a flaming red color, and the red tattoo all over my body, which I've had since I was a baby. It's easy to hide the slight patterns on my arms and legs, but it's really obvious when I've taken off my tunic, because of the flowing tendrils and lines arcing across my back and torso, all colliding at the small of my back like some inside-out firecracker.

Magister Emmet basically adopted me when I was found near the front gates of the Mage Tower way back when. Just a baby, with these odd tattoos and a golden medallion with some odd symbol that looks like a loopy S twisted into a big W. Emmet's been my father and master for my entire life, and the Mage Tower is my home.

To say I excelled at my studies is a bit of an understatement. Never before had an apprentice mastered advanced level magic so young. It also helped that everyone liked me, because I could get time alone with the senior Magisters and work on my technique when they had free time. It seemed like everyone knew me, but mostly because of all the mystery surrounding my appearance and skill at spellcasting.

In all the time I've been with him, Magister Emmet hasn't been able to make heads or tails of the tattoos or the emblem on my medallion. We've been through every book in the Tower Library, and even asked one of the Elders, Elder Maven, and she didn't know anything, either.

I'm rambling, aren't I? This is probably all a bit much for you to take in all at once. So, enough with the backstory, it's time for the fun stuff...

******

The day had finally arrived! Today I was going to take my qualifying examinations, and if I passed with high enough marks, I would finally earn the title of Magister and no longer be an Apprentice!

I leaped out of bed and quickly put on my tunic and robes. Last but not least, I put on my medallion, hanging it proudly on my chest, as though it were a good luck charm. I did a cursory check to make sure that the obvious parts of my tattoo were covered by the sleeves of my robe, and that was the end of getting ready. I'd need to book it to the library to get some last minute cramming in before the assessment at high noon.

On the spiral staircase down from my room to the common areas, I couldn't help but wonder about the Magister Examination. Of course, no one ever tells you what to expect, so you have to prepare for everything. Perhaps I would be tested on Flares? Or the properties of fireballs in varying conditions? I definitely needed to brush up on the casting of smoldering flames, and other - potentially useful - but rather wimpy-looking fire types. Or perhaps they would ask me to do something non-fire related? I was terrible with water magic, perhaps I should do some last minute warm-ups of earth and water type spells?

I was too preoccupied with all this questioning to notice anything was amiss in the living area, and I sped past that landing without giving it a second glance. Down three more flights, and I got to the base of the western complex. It was here that I first noticed that something was wrong. Several magicians wearing Magister robes were having a hushed conversation in one corner, but there wasn't anyone else around, which was extremely unusual. The Magisters stopped talking when I entered the hall, and skittered off in the direction of the east wing. That was also odd; there isn't usually anything private in the Mage Tower common areas. If you needed to have a hushed conversation that also needed to be kept to yourself, you headed up to your own room to do your talking. Acting like something was private or secret in the common area was downright rude.

Sensing that something must really be wrong if Magister level magicians were ignoring basic etiquette, I changed directions and got back on the steps and up one floor, to the passages that connect the various regions together, and made my way to the heart of Mage Tower. If something big had happened, I was guaranteed answers from someone in the great hall ? the center of all activity that takes place at Mage Tower.

[COLOR="Red"]To be continued...[/COLOR]

[wolfram456]

Great start... keep going....

[Rarity]

As I said before, ME GUSTA - keep it goin' booooooo

[silvershadow]

Wow! You definitely got my attention. I am very curios about this world you have plunged us into.

[maximum360]

Thank you all! Chapter 2 is going to be a little long; I don't want to post it until I've gotten to Max's partner, so that I can have some hot stuff to leave you with while I work on chapter 3.

PS: has anyone figured out the title yet, just out of curiosity

[maximum360]

Aaaaand... Here it is Chapter 2. I had no idea how I was going to lead into the love interest with Jake, so I removed the mushy introduction and didn't even try to lead... XD Hope you like it.

Oh, and -- you there! Yes, YOU! Reading this story! I know you're there, why don'tcha drop a comment when you're done? I like to hear what you think of my material! And criticism is just as important as praise! If I did something wrong, don't keep it to yourself! Happy Reading!

----Chapter 2----
Exile

The great hall was buzzing with activity when I arrived. Magicians from apprentice to Elder were rushing about, and I saw at least four Magisters carrying piles of scrolls from one end of the room to another. It looked like the entire contents of the Tower Library had collected in the room, and those magicians that weren't having conversations were sorting through the scrolls and pouring over old documents as though their lives depended on it.

Elder Maven was at the head of the room, seemingly directing all of the activity. She was surveying the room and barking at some of the more frantic apprentices, when she was spoken to by a worried looking Magister. Elder Maven looked up. She raised her hand, and abruptly the great hall fell completely silent.

?You may all stop, now,? she said gently. ?The appropriate evidence has been corroborated across three separate texts. Magister Emmet ? Please go and fetch your apprentice. The rest of you, please exit to the North Tower and await further instruction.?

?There will be no need to fetch Max, Elder Maven.? I could hear Magister Emmet's voice, but I couldn't see him through the mass of magicians heading to the North exit. ?He is standing by the door...?

I was getting an uneasy feeling, like something bad was going to happen. I finally spotted Emmet, who was crossing the hall towards me. ?What's going on?? I asked.

?Sshhh,? hissed Emmet. ?I can't tell you ? but, well, there's something you should know,? he whispered as we headed back across the hall, rather more slowly than we probably should have been going. ?Something's come up, and it isn't good. Listen to me now, and listen well, as these are the last kind words you may hear for a while. When we get close to the North Tower exit, make a run for it.? My eyes widened as he continued whispering hurriedly, ?Head west to Aerondale, and wait for me where I once took you on holiday. Stay out of sight.?

Let me tell you, this was all a bit much for me. Waking up one morning and being told by the one person you trust completely that you've got to make a run for it away from everything you knew, that's strange. Running away from a kind-looking Elder and everything I've ever known just because someone tells you to? Every fiber of my being told me that Emmet must have been mistaken, that nothing could possibly be wrong when everything was so right yesterday. Even though I trusted him, and Emmet was like a father to me, I wasn't going to do something potentially stupid or dangerous because he told me to.

I ran.

Was it the logical choice? No.
Was it the sensible choice? No.
Could I have been able to tell at the time whether or not Emmet was crazy or if I really was in danger? Hell no.
But, did it save my life? ...Probably. More about that later.

I trusted Emmet more than anyone else on the planet. He'd never led me wrong before, and even though he was certainly crazy most of the time, he was also right most of the time. And that was how I arrived in Aerondale in the middle of the night, bone tired and sweaty all over from running all afternoon.

After having ditched the great hall, there was some shouting and a lot of commotion behind me, and my robe got singed by a fireball whistling past me... Then it was out the front gates, and I was booking it in a general East direction.

In case you didn't know, The Magician's Republic is located in the north of Magia. I mean way north. So it's always cold. And I didn't have anything but my robe, tunic, and undergarments on. Brrrr!

I'd never been left out in the cold before, but I'd heard stories of Magicians who had been. Weren't you supposed to get frostbite or something? By the time I finally found the main road and stumbled into Aerondale, I had been out in the wilderness for about six hours, and while it was uncomfortable (Who actually likes this kind of weather?) it didn't feel nearly as painful or life-threatening a Emmet said it would be. What was painful and possibly life-threatening was the fact that I had just run about 25 miles in 6 hours without stopping, and hadn't eaten anything all day. I was about to collapse with exhaustion and fatigue.

?Are you all right there??

The call came from somewhere, but I couldn't respond... I needed to find an inn... and... and... ? ?

I must have lost consciousness, because I definitely found myself waking up to the smell of a log fire.

?That was a close one. If it weren't for your breathing, I could've sworn you'd died.? I looked around and spotted someone sitting beside me. ?My name's Jake, and welcome to my shop.?

As I got a closer look, now that I was really waking up, I could pick out more of the figure sitting beside me. It was a guy, no older than 18, with the build of a blacksmith. His hair was shoulder length, but brought back into a ponytail, and he had a poker in his hand, managing the fire that I was lying next to.

?Uhh... thanks...? I mumbled, not yet being able to form words properly. I made to sit up, but a strong hand pushed me back.

?Oh, no you don't. You need rest,? Jake said. ?Oh, and I took the liberty of getting you out of your wet clothes. They're drying over the mantle.?

?Thank y-- wait, you took off my robe?? Instantly I was conscious of my surroundings, finding that I was in just my underwear, and only covered by a blanket.

?Well, yeah. You fell in the fountain by the gate... You were sopping wet and cold and looked like you were nearly dead. If I hadn't been around delivering a new teapot to Mrs. Gray, you could've frozen over before anyone found you.?

?Uhhh.... thanks,? I said. ?I owe you one. If there's any way I can make it up to you...?

?Don't worry about that. It's my pleasure, hosting a studying Magician. You probably don't get out much, but us regular citizens rarely get to see magic more interesting than the fire-starters and healing spells the Magician Council lets us use. Any Magician studying at a Mage Tower is welcome here, even an apprentice.?

I started to get hard from looking at Jake's ? impressive figure, when I realized what I was doing and tried to hide the tent forming under the blankets. I already knew I had a ? thing for guys, and he was very good looking. Crap ? did he notice?

?You know,? Jake said, beginning to grin, ?you don't have to be embarrassed. We do that here in our small town, too.? He lay down next to me, and shivers went down my spine, and I don't think they were from the cold. ?You're pretty easy on the eyes, yourself.?

?I'm flattered. Really, I am. But --? He cut me off with a kiss, tender yet powerful. ?Too much talking,? Jake said, when he came up for air. ?I've never met anyone I was so attracted to before... and I haven't even known you for an hour yet.?

He was good looking, but this was a little fast for me... Although, what could be the harm in a little embrace? We laid there all night, arms wrapped around each other by the fire.

[COLOR="Red"]To be continued...[/COLOR]

[maximum360]

Before I solidify part 3, I just wanted to ask everyone what they expected/wanted to get out of it - partly from curiosity, and partly because I really want to...uh... Serve the audience here :3 (I mean, i've already experienced this fantasy.... I want your experience to be just as.... Touching... as mine :3 )

Here's the poll

[maximum360]

Let me just start out by saying: Writer's Block Is An Awful Thing.

I haven't been able to write properly for almost a month, and everything I did write has been complete garbage. I didn't want to leave my friends hanging though, so I've managed to hammer, iron, and edit together this new installment.
Bear with me, please, while I go through a rough writing period

<EDIT: Preview of part 4 removed, I'm conducting a rewrite of it.>

----Chapter 3----
Companion

I awoke to a splash in the face and the smell of a freshly put-out fire. Jake was standing over me, a bucket in his hands. He was wearing a black blacksmith's workrobe and a large sweater underneath a ash-stained brown tunic. He looked very concerned, but all I could see were his massive forearms as he hefted the large bucket and put it down beside me.

?Are you okay!? You didn't get burned, did you?? Jake asked.

?Why would I have been burnt? I was having a nice enough dream until you splashed water over my face,? I said rather indignant to the sudden awakening I had just received.

?Uh....? Jake stood perplexed, and crossed his arms. Something stirred inside of me as I watched the blacksmith's arms writhe and bulge with muscle as he did so, every small movement showing even through the taut fabric of his sleeves. ?I was packing up my things, and I checked to see if you were okay, and your blanket was on fire.? He pointed, indicating a blackened and charred expanse of the blanket, from the end all the way back up to my knees. ?You had one foot in the kiln that I heat the pot-metal in... Are you sure you're okay??

?Yeah... I.... I think I'm fine,? I said. Jake stared at me questioningly, but left it at that. I was probably just as flustered as he was; no magician, no matter how powerful, can handle fire without conscious effort.

As I dressed, I tried to understand wrap my head around the things that were happening to me... First, there's a great big to-do at the Mage Tower. Then, without any warning, Magister Emmet, my adopted father and the Magister I was apprenticed to, orders me to run away from the tower after something was found at the Tower Library. Probably all the Magicians on Magia were now after me, as evidenced by the constant fireballs soaring over my head as I ran from the tower, and the search parties I evaded after my escape until my eventual arrival at the border town of Aerondale. I then lost consciousness in a fountain in Aerondale to be rescued by a hunky blacksmith named Jake, and now I think we both have the flames for each other. On top of that, while I was sleeping I somehow managed to light myself on fire. Thankfully, I wasn't burnt, but there's another mystery. Who am I? Where did all this strangeness come from?

I remembered something while I was putting on my robe. I called out to Jake, who had gone into the other room so I could change. ?Hey, wait, you said you were packing? Packing for what? I thought blacksmiths never moved, and served one town until they retired.?

?I'll answer your question in a minute, I'm almost finished,? was the reply.

I finished dressing and put my medallion back around my neck, and tucked it into my robe. It was then that I noticed something else rather odd; while it was dark in the room, because it was a blacksmith's workspace, there was one very small window in the corner, and it was still dark. That meant we were up before dawn had even broken.

Jake came in to the workshop from the main space, a large sword and a rucksack slung over his shoulder, and he had a smith's hammer in his right hand. Let me tell you... It was an awe-inspiring sight.

?Look, I didn't say so before... but a scout arrived about an hour before I found you conked out in the fountain. She gave us a report to be on the lookout for an extremely dangerous and resourceful rouge magician with a strange full-body tattoo who had recently escaped from the Mage Tower,? explained Jake. Great, suspicion confirmed: I'm wanted by the Mage Council.

Jake continued, ?She said you were intent on decimating the villages you came across, and to signal the guard if we saw anything. But seeing you there, lying unconscious in the frozen fountain...? He had a sad look in his eyes. ?I've never really trusted the Mage Council, and if you really were as dangerous as they say, I doubt you would have been in that kind of condition. So I've made up my mind. I want to come with you. My reasons are my own, but know I have my own quarrel with the Council, and I'd like to help you get out of here unharmed, if you'll let me.?

?Wha? I... uh,? I stuttered. He looked so serious, and the light shone just the right way across his square jaw and sharp features.

I tried to weigh the options. On the one hand, my world has just been thrown upside-down by a strange plot and a seemingly even stranger secret about my past, and I'll leave this town on my own attempting to evade capture at every step of the way... On the other, there's this drop-dead gorgeous blacksmith named Jake who has a strange secret to go with mine, and will leave this town with me, assisting a known fugitive. We'll leave this town and be evading capture together every step of the way.

Let's see... Stay on my own against potentially the entire military force of the Mage Council, or stay with Jake, together against potentially the entire military force of the Mage Council and with a slightly better chance of survival. Not to mention a handsome face, and the fact that he has a giant sword.

It's all starting to sound like some really badly written fantasy story.

[COLOR="Red"]To be continued...[/COLOR]

[silvershadow]

"It's all starting to sound like some really badly written fantasy story."
Lol its not a bad story your doing great. I can't wait to read more. And for some reason your making me think of the game skyrim.

[Rarity]

^ Everyone thinks something dealing with dragony-things = skyrim these days. :<

DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT SWEETROLLS

On topic: I like where this is going except the whole random pairing; first the spontaneous sex which may make sense. If the guy had a mage fetish or something, he'd probably want to get it on right away. His explanation of why he didn't give up the lil mage made sense. But why he's following him - not so much. Other than that, ME GUSTA the story so far.

[Generitrans]

Jake's behavior in the second chapter doesn't really mesh with his behavior in the third and the things we learn there about the town being warned. Jake's sudden packing also seems way too abrupt, as before that point Max hasn't said anything about wanting to go anywhere. The revelation that Jake has a beef with the council is also revealed too abruptly and openly; it's almost confrontational, as though Max was singing the council's praises.

[Ryne]

I agree with the above...

it seems that your eagerness to write this,although admirable, makes the story seem rushed. Like you want to get everything out right away.

This story is wonderful on it's own, but I'd like to see you focus a smidgen of time on fleshing out the descriptions and dialog just a bit more. Again, the plot your making is great but it kinda feels like a "in a nutshell" kinda story, where all the important and juicy parts are crammed together.

I REALLY would've liked to hear more about the magedom, or the escape, or the location and trip to Aerondale. The fountain, His Tattoo.... So many things we as readers can't really see like you can...

I'm not suggesting a re-write, but just a bit more of an environment, rather than just dialog and personal perceptions .

Also,If your still looking for help in your writing, I have some free time and would enjoy helping... Let me know

[maximum360]

Crap. I had a personal response for everyone, but it seems that my post failed and I don't have a copy of them anymore....

I'd like to say thanks for all the wonderful criticism from everyone.
Mostly it seems that what everyone agrees on is that the lack of description and the pace of the plot is much too fast. Sorry! when I started writing this, I assumed that I would need to get to the growth quickly and the plot came second. If this is not the case, then I'm happy to slow down and work on details and scenery.

As to helping with my writing, feel free. I like getting opinions and comments from as many people as I can. I warn you ahead of time, though: my friends have said that when I get onto the topic of Magea I can prattle endlessly for hours at a time unless someone stops me.

Edit: as to the comment about Skyrim, let me make something clear: this world isn't Skyrim. In fact, I have never played Skyrim, and only have a vague idea as to what it is about. Magea is my own creation, I made up this place when I was 14 and have been filling and expanding it ever since. You might call it a kind of pet project. If there's anything I don't want, it is you, the reader, approaching this story from a different setting, because you might get confused. For instance, "magicians" here is like saying "American." Everyone in and around the magician empire are "magicians"... It is their nationality. if I hasn't made this distinction clear enough, I apologize; expect infinitely more backstory and description as I continue forward. (e.g. See above )

[biguglymofo]

regardless...you could agonize over style...take ten million suggestions on direction, but ultimately it's your story...and so far it's been fantastic. Please keep on writing because I'm genuinely intrigued and want to see where you take it. get on it! ...and ultimately just write. you can always go back and fix plot holes, but it's important to get the foundations and the plot set...and as I said earlier, you're doing really well with it.

[Rarity]

Originally Posted by biguglymofo

regardless...you could agonize over style...take ten million suggestions on direction, but ultimately it's your story...and so far it's been fantastic. Please keep on writing because I'm genuinely intrigued and want to see where you take it. get on it! ...and ultimately just write. you can always go back and fix plot holes, but it's important to get the foundations and the plot set...and as I said earlier, you're doing really well with it.

What this guy said. My stories are kinda dull in the OOMPH factor, but the story itself drives from point A to point B and the characters. . . Well, they never go entirely out of character. So at least I can take solace in that. Usually it's a good idea to give a "reason for the madness" (or method in the madness). Your characters aren't entirely defined yet either, so that gives you so much to work with for future installments/other stories.

EX (GOOD reason for the madness): Jake hates the mage council, not mages. Okay, that's the reason why he didn't give up the lil mage. He also believes the mage is harmless due to the position he found the mage in.

EX (BAD reason for the madness): -no reason at all- or "My instincts told me to!"


Now Jake leaving with Max and to a lesser extent, having sex with Max - that's a bit random and unexplained. However~ There's a special kind of magic that only us authors can use and it's called. . . [COLOR="DeepSkyBlue"]IMPROVISING[/COLOR]! You can simply explain "the madness" later on in the story. Even something as trivial as "well I was kinda horny and you clearly wanted my cock/bod/etc" works in a humorous manner for something like sex, kissing, or whatever. As for Jake leaving, it can lead into a plot twist or a discovery of who Jake really is or what he wants to do. Whether it be him simply needing a mage to do what he wants OR it has something to do with Max directly such as a legend/prophecy. It's up to you, and isn't mandatory.

[maximum360]

Originally Posted by Click_Flash

What this guy said. My stories are kinda dull in the OOMPH factor, but the story itself drives from point A to point B and the characters. . . Well, they never go entirely out of character. So at least I can take solace in that. Usually it's a good idea to give a "reason for the madness" (or method in the madness). Your characters aren't entirely defined yet either, so that gives you so much to work with for future installments/other stories.

EX (GOOD reason for the madness): Jake hates the mage Icouncil, not mages. Okay, that's the reason why he didn't give up the lil mage. He also believes the mage is harmless due to the position he found the mage in.

EX (BAD reason for the madness): -no reason at all- or "My instincts told me to!"


Now Jake leaving with Max and to a lesser extent, having sex with Max - that's a bit random and unexplained. However~ There's a special kind of magic that only us authors can use and it's called. . . [COLOR="DeepSkyBlue"]IMPROVISING[/COLOR]! You can simply explain "the madness" later on in the story. Even something as trivial as "well I was kinda horny and you clearly wanted my cock/bod/etc" works in a humorous manner for something like sex, kissing, or whatever. As for Jake leaving, it can lead into a plot twist or a discovery of who Jake really is or what he wants to do. Whether it be him simply needing a mage to do what he wants OR it has something to do with Max directly such as a legend/prophecy. It's up to you, and isn't mandatory.

Oh! ^.^

Well, thank you for your kind input. In fact, as I have said before, this sorry is based on a personal fantasy... Therefore, the (important) events plot-wise have been thought out already in detail, such as Jake's actions and past. What I haven't paid attention to as-yet is the presentation of these facts, and I have taken it quite to heart that this reads as though it was rushed. Currently, part four is at a standstill because really want to do this right, and in order to do so I need to come up with a convincing internal monologue for both Jake and Max that is interesting and reads well, but doesn't give away as many plot details as I did so freely in parts 1-3 XD

So... Part four IS being worked on, please, I will have it done soon! And it will be good! With lots of plot and a minimum of rushed- feeling.

EDIT: PS: are you inside my head? 4/5 of your guesses/plot suggestions so far were spot on . I'll leave you to figure out which one wasn't

[maximum360]

Wow, there's nothing like talking about not writing to get you writing
I just finished with this and I think it's fairly good!

[COLOR="Lime"]Repair and Summary[/COLOR]
Thank you all for your criticism and comments; I think it's wonderful to hear from readers... It helps me to entertain you better! Really! I like to write because I like to tell stories... And if I'm telling them in a way that isn't entertaining, I'd like to know! Thank you for speaking up! Now, after getting such nice feedback, I'd like to act on it. Presented below the break is Chapter Four, newly redone and retooled to be more expansive. Please let me know if the level of detail, development, and backstory is correct.
Comments from praise to outright criticism are welcome!


Also, from now on each chapter will be posted with a short piece of supplemental material before it. These materials might be more excerpts from the Magician's Almanac, or summaries of historical events from Magia.
For chapter 4, I have summarized....

[COLOR="SandyBrown"]====The Story So Far====[/COLOR]
Max is a 19 year old male from the land of Magia, a world of myth and magic. He is an orphan whose origin is unknown except that he was found as a baby clutching a strange medallion outside the front gates of the Mage Tower, which is located in the Magician Empire.

Standing at 5'3? he's not very imposing, but he has some distinctive features that everyone notices: The first of which being his flaming red eyes, a color that is highly uncommon, combined with an incredibly ornate and intricate full-body tattoo pattern that he has had since he was found. Max grew up in the care of one Magister Emmet, an average Mage studying at the Mage Tower to whom Max was apprenticed.

On the day before Max's graduation exam, in which he would have earned the title of Magister himself and no longer be an apprentice, something that the Elders found buried in the Tower Library put everyone into a frenzy and the magician council ordered the capture of Max.

Magister Emmet instructed Max to flee west, in the direction of the border town Aerondale, and for them to meet up at a place where Max once went with Emmet. Max leaves as a fugitive, pursued by the forces of the Magician Empire and even the Magicians that he had known at the Mage tower.

Upon his arrival, Max faints from exhaustion and is picked up by a blacksmith named Jake. Jake instantly becomes attracted to max for an unknown reason, and even though Max is a known fugitive takes him to his home unconscious. Jake at first plays the role of gracious host, trying to determine Max's character once Max regains consciousness. Jake is overcome by the power of his attraction, however, and spends the evening with Max by the fire.

It is revealed in the morning that Jake already knew of Max's status as a fugitive, but has clearly taken a liking to Max and doesn't believe the accusations of the Magician Council against Max. Jake wishes to accompany Max on his journey, and Max agrees, partially from a desire for companionship and self-preservation, and also because Max is becoming attracted to Jake. Jake's motivations are as-yet unclear, but this attractive and able-bodied blacksmith seems to have just as many secrets about his past as our mysterious Max...





[COLOR="RoyalBlue"]----Chapter 4----
Dark Secrets[/COLOR]

It was a very vivid dream... It was completely dark, and I couldn't even tell where I was. I seemed to be suspended in the air, just floating in this dark place. Then, it started to warm up around me, and there was the smell of smoke. Suddenly, there was fire in front of me, a bright orange flame towering above me and there was pain, a great excruciating pain as the fire shrank down and got closer to me, the white-hot ball of fire getting closer and closer... I tried to scream but found that I couldn't speak.

Then, there was a great sucking sensation and the dream imploded, leaving me drenched in sweat and staring into the face of my traveling companion, Jake. ?Are you all right?? he asked, concern written all over his face as he watched me tremble and shake. The memory of the pain and scorching heat was so intense, it was all I could do to nod and reply, ?Just a nightmare.?

It had only been one day since we left Aerondale, trying to locate the old workshop that I remembered was nearby. Magister Emmet had once taken me there once, on holiday, where he showed me his fascinating collection of old scrolls from his private library. I was twelve at the time, and I was simply excited to have time off from studying. Emmet told me once that the old warehouse was once his home, before he had been apprenticed at the Mage Tower. He didn't talk about it much, but I could tell that he was very sentimental about the place, and had wanted to share that with me.

The place itself was large and dusty, with most of its interior crammed with bookshelves in every available space. The small attic was used as the only living area, a small bed and kitchen squashed into an impossibly small space in one corner and a table and chair taking up the rest of the space. There was even a small bookshelf up here, stuffed with scrolls and texts just like all the others.

Journal: Luna's Day, moon the third.
There wasn't much to do here, though I knew I needed to stay and wait for Emmet. It wasn't like him to leave me waiting like this; if he had told me to be somewhere he was usually not only right but also the first person to arrive. I wondered if something might have happened to him.

And Jake had been acting oddly since we arrived as well. He had made his position clear when I first met him, but it was like he couldn't keep his eyes off me... Me, right? I'm still me right? Max, the scholar who most people wouldn't give the time of day. Here was this guy who seemed to have jumped straight out of my deepest, darkest fantasy and he was the one staring at me. Something is clearly not right with the world.

Journal: Orion's Day, moon the fourth.
I had another nightmare again. It was the same one, a fire getting bigger, closer, and hotter... This time it didn't burn so much, but at the same time it felt much hotter. I can't describe the feeling, really, like hot but without the pain so much. Also: I may have imagined it, but my medallion was hot when I woke up. At least I think so.

For lack of anything better to do, I started reading some of Magister Emmet's books and scrolls. Many of them are in the old language of the druids, long before the Magician Empire and Magisters or Elders or even the Council... It makes it very hard to translate, but I think I remember most of my lessons about the Druidic Era. There's a few words, though, that I just can't seem to figure out. It's weird, really... Why does he have all of these in a dead language? Couldn't he have had them translated? Or even rebound, some of these books are falling apart and some scrolls are crumbling. A simple copy could have made this library not only less dusty but more legible.

Journal: Saturn's Day, moon the sixth.
They're all histories. Every one of the old texts. Mixed in with his spellbooks and reference materials are accounts of Druidic history written in the old High tongue. It's been most interesting trying to read them, because some of them make no sense. One describes a battle as such: ?There seems no end to the [Untranslatable proper noun]! The [Noun]'s power is [???] and we have no [???] to stop them... suddenly, though, the [???] subsided and the [Noun] retreated... the [Noun]'s [Person's Title] broke the peace, and [???] settled with our Elder a plan of [???]. Peace be among us, the [Noun]s have made peace! Glory to [???] and [???] the power of the [Noun]?

Journal: Luna's Day, moon the tenth.
Dragons. The old fairy-tale creature that sent many young Magicians to bed with nightmares and sweats and sent shivers down the spines of even the most powerful Elder... The texts are all about dragons. That's the noun I had been missing. The key to the whole puzzle, locked up in this old workspace. So what was Magister Emmet doing with all these old histories that mention dragons? And why hadn't he arrived yet?

Jake spent the day sharpening his sword. I think he's getting bored, and I don't blame him. I told him he could go if he wanted, but he says he wants to stay with me as long as he needs to... whatever that means.

Journal: Sol's Day, moon the twelfth
The nightmares are getting worse, and Jake is concerned now. Not only are they more vivid but my medallion is definitely hot afterwards. Things just keep getting weirder.

According to the oldest text in the collection, the dragons were able to wield a ?great and mighty trickery? that was ?unsightly and grotesque...? As near as I can tell, they could somehow disguise themselves amongst the druids and used this power to spy on them. All of the sudden, though, around 300 years ago, all mention of the dragons is gone from the historical accounts. The battles: all ended. The dragons: all gone. In fact, it looks like there's a volume missing, something that happened between 300 and 400 years ago in which people forgot completely about their fight with dragons. What could possibly have happened in that time?

------------

It was the morning of the tenth day of our stay at the old workshop. Nothing had happened and it seemed like nothing would happen. Jake and I were just... waiting. Emmet hadn't turned up, and neither did anything else. Our food was running low, and so was morale.

I don't think I'll ever forget that day.

[COLOR="Red"]To be continued...[/COLOR]

[Rarity]

Oh, so the plot thickens like jello in a refrigerator. It's gettin' sweet.

[maximum360]

Originally Posted by ★whim★

Oh, so the plot thickens like jello in a refrigerator. It's gettin' sweet.

Wait, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
if I need to fix something, please let me know!

And I have growth and fireballs planned for next chapter! And we'll finally get to see that big sword in action! So... Stay tuned!

[Rarity]

Originally Posted by maximum360

Wait, is that a good thing or a bad thing?
if I need to fix something, please let me know!

And I have growth and fireballs planned for next chapter! And we'll finally get to see that big sword in action! So... Stay tuned!

Usually "the plot thickens" means the story is getting more substance or something is introduced/about to be introduced (assumed through foreshadowing: the worsening nightmares) - which is generally a good thing. I think it's good, you were able to skip that many days while filling in some more information per day. My original comment was going to be something like "Well, fuck, now I have to constantly refresh the screen until the next part comes up." Maybe I should've stuck with it, luuuul.

[maximum360]

Aw, thanks :3

Psst: Have you guessed what the title means yet? XD As a point of interest, there *should* be enough clues to piece together the big reveal of chapter 5... And I haven't even started the main plot arc yet :3

[Seiryn Rynthryx]

May the muses of inspiration continue to visit you :3

[maximum360]

WOOOO ~ STORY. Thanks for your continuing encouragement! Originally I was going to skip most of the backstory in chapter 4 and jump straight to here, but a lot of commenters wanted me to slow down and expand the dialogue and setting, so... I worked on that a bit. I think. Let me know if there's still not enough plot things, or if the story is now moving too slowly.

I would also like to apologize, because the growth ended up being pushed back (again). The chapter got really big and long while I was working on it, and... um... frankly, I wanted Max to have some more time with Jake before all that started happening

Also, just like last time there is super-relevant, useful information before the chapter. I think I'm going to start doing these for each chapter, as a nice addition to those who enjoy reading about Magia. For those of us who, well, want to get right to it, you can skip the break and head straight to the “CHAPTER 5” heading down the ways, but you might miss some really cool buildup and an “Aha!” moment for yourself every once in a while. Seriously.

PS: You, yes you! Reading this! Why don't you drop a comment when you're done? I promise you I don't bite besides, the criticism is good to hear! Go ahead, I don't mind what you have to say, and you could end up fixing a problem with this writer's story

====Dragons: In Brief====
Translated and compiled excerpts from: The Magician's Almanac, 21 Things You Never Wanted to Know, Magia: A History, and several old and unnamed diaries and journals found at the bottom of a dry well.

Physiology: Dragons are hard to define very well, because they can shapeshift so easily. You could say that they are reptilian quadrupeds that can shapeshift into humans, or humans who learned to shapeshift into giant flying reptiles. Who knows, and who can really tell anyway?

Types of dragons: First, they come in both winged and non-winged varieties, and this helps distinguish how one can best avoid disaster should you meet one. The winged dragons excel at wind magic, and non-winged dragons can use devastating fire magic. Aside from these major differences, there are several smaller differences as well: Land dragons are larger and stronger than an equivalently aged air dragon, while air dragons are more agile and can fly. All dragons can use all types of magic, as can most living creatures on Magia, but air dragons are best at wind magic and worst at fire magic, and land dragons are the opposite, favoring skill with fire.

Dragon Forms: The physical appearance of any dragon is a very large bipedal lizard type affair, with pointy teeth, claws, etc. etc. while in dragon form. When in human form, they are virtually indistinguishable from any of the human-type races on Magia, such as the Psi, Magicians, Engineers, or Tsuma. There are, however, one or two ways to tell a dragon from these races. One: A dragon's eye color in both human and dragon form always matches the color of their scales. For white, black, red, or gray varieties, this leads to unusual eye color that may be a sign that someone is a dragon in disguise. Another trait is that it is impossible to kill a dragon by burning or freezing, even in human form, due to their high body temperature and internal resistance to heat.

Dragon Development: A dragon is initially born in human-shape. However, as the child grows older it gradually gains more draconic traits. During this initial stage, it is impossible for the dragon to shape shift, and in the case of air dragons, cannot fly. By the onset of a dragon's puberty, a dragon child has formed scales and claws as well as horns, but in most other ways remains human-form and still cannot shapeshift. It is during puberty that a normally developing dragon will suddenly enter a stage of rapid change, when a dragon's magic matures and their fully realized dragon form is developed. This stage is onset at an unknown time, and lasts for one month. During this time, a dragon is especially vulnerable and weak, due to the development of their form. The stage is characterized by extreme weakness, a fluctuating form due to intense magical discharge, and, in general, extreme discomfort due to the dragon's unstable body and changing physiology.




[COLOR="YellowGreen"]----Chapter 5----
Broken[/COLOR]

“You really should read some of these, they're fascinating,” said Max, sitting in one of the few unoccupied chairs in the cramped attic of the workshop. “This one is about the dragon slayers, an old order of Elders that fought dragons back in the Druidic Age.”

“Look, Max,” sighed Jake, “People tell stories about dragons to get their kids to behave. They were around a long time ago. Now they're not. They disappeared and everyone was the better for it. That's all I need to know.”

“But that's not enough,” I said, standing up and putting the book back on a large stack by the window. “If there's one thing I learned from Emmet, It's that you need to investigate the past to learn about the future. Magister Emmet's lifelong project was to categorize and catalog every historical text in the Mage Tower Library so that future Magicians could piece together the history of the Magician Empire before the Great Darkness. We still don't know much about the Druidic Age, and even then what we do know is hearsay and stories, like these,” I gestured over the piles of scrolls and books taking up the attic. “Who knows if even half of these are factually accurate? But scholars should seek to find the facts and learn the truth--”

“Enough! All right! You don't need to tell me all that stuff again about history this, and scholarly that. You can read all the books you want, I don't really care. To me, all I care about is that the past is past, and it's what I do now that matters. You can't change the past, but you damn well can screw up in the present and get yourself killed. That's all the truth I need.” Jake looked up at me sourly.

“Right... Sorry, I guess I have been talking a lot about stuff you're not interested in,” I said. “I guess just hiding out in this old workshop is making us both pretty bored, right? I--”

I stopped. There was a tingling in the air, and I felt... “Get down,” I whispered to Jake, “Someone's here.” Jake quietly dropped to the floor and put his hand on the hilt of his sword, while I crouched down and clicked my fingers, concentrating on thinning the air around the lamps in the room. With a small “pif” noise, all the lamps went out, leaving the room in near-darkness. The only light in the attic was now the sun shining through the window, but since it was dusty and old, even that wasn't too bright.

On the third day, I had placed a barrier around the front door, so that any person opening it would break the seal and alert me to their presence. It was a very simple and crude spell, but often the simple ones are the hardest to detect. So, whoever it was that I had sensed hadn't noticed the barrier and had come into the workshop by the front door, causing me to feel the spell breaking. As a precaution, both Jake and I had been staying in the attic and were always prepared in case someone stumbled upon our hiding spot... and it looked like someone had.

I couldn't hear much from where I was; the intruder was downstairs and I was upstairs and all the way across the attic from the stairwell. I thought I heard a thump, and there was silence. I was really tense, by heart pounding. I felt myself get hot, and my palms began to sweat as I waited, crouched in a corner of the attic. It felt like an eternity; waiting, watching, fearing the worst. Then, a faint sound:

“Max? Are you there?”

I practically jumped for joy: that was Magister Emmet's voice! I forgot everything, jumped up and hurtled for the stairs, knocking over books and chairs along the way. I could hear Jake swear behind me, probably annoyed that I had blown our cover so easily, but I didn't care. “Emmet! I'm so glad you're here!”

I bounded down the steps and crashed into a bookcase on the main floor, carelessly vaulting around another pile of scrolls and tripping over a stack of books, landing face-first on the floor.

I looked up, and there he was. Standing near the front door was a disheveled looking older man in muddy Magister's robes. His hair was gray and unkempt, and it looked as though he had been traveling fast and through the woods rather than the roads. His kind brown eyes sparkled as he saw me pick myself up off the floor, and he gave a warm smile.

“You took so long I was worried something had happened --” I began, and stopped.

“Please, calm down... there will be time to explain later. For now, I am simply glad that you are safe.” Emmet closed the door behind him and the lamps around the room lit up, casting a warm glow around the dingy space.

“I'm glad you're safe too,” I said, hugging Emmet, and trying to hide my fear.

Just then, Emmet looked past me and his expression froze. I glanced around in confusion and realized that Jake was at the top of the stairs.

“Oh! Magister Emmet, this is Jake. He helped me out back in Aerondale.” I looked back at Emmet, who hadn't said anything, and saw an expression of mild surprise. “Is... Is there something wrong?” I asked. Behind my back I made a sign to Jake, who was to carefully working his way through the piles of books towards us.

“... No ...” Emmet said, speaking carefully. “I --” he began, and then stopped. “Why don't we all sit down?” He sighed. “I see you are safe, and that is good. I am so sorry for what has happened... And I am afraid of what you must think of me, leaving you all alone like this.”

“Magister Emmet,” I said, finding a seat on a pile of books. “I'm sorry too,” I said. I looked down and had to clench my fists so I wouldn't start crying. “You always taught me to think before acting, not to trust appearances, and I'm afraid I let you down.”

“No you haven't, Max. You never have,” said Emmet kindly.

“Really?” I said, a strange calm washing over me. “Because I'm pretty sure if I had remembered your lesson I wouldn't have let you in.” I closed my eyes and said a word, causing the room to flash bright white, blinding the imposter Emmet for a few moments.

“Come on!” Jake shouted, who already had his sword out and was sprinting for the door.

“Not yet!” I shouted back.

I turned to the Emmet who was readying a fireball. “Don't even try it.” I said, spinning the air in the room and knocking him off his feet. He seemed to be ready for such an occurrence, though, because as he fell instead of throwing the fireball he let it drop onto a pile of scrolls, which began burning instantly.

“Where is the real Emmet and why am I being chased?” I shouted, gathering all my anger and using it to produce a wall of fire around the fake Emmet, trapping him.

“That man was a traitor, and YOU should be dead!” the man shouted. Water splashed over my body and then froze, trapping me and breaking my concentration. My fire wavered, and it was enough for the man to jump through the barrier and come running towards me across the burning room.

It was Jake who ended up saving me. The ice was thawing but I still couldn't move, when he came barreling towards the Magister with his sword. He caught the man full in the chest with one of his broad shoulders, slamming him down to the ground. “Don't try anything,” he growled, raising the sword while keeping the man pinned to the floor. The room smelled of smoke and the fire had spread to the entire warehouse by now.

“Why are you chasing Max?” Jake shouted.

“I... We just do what we are told!”

Jake snorted in disgust and hit the man over the head with the hilt of the blade, knocking him unconscious. “Come on!” he said, looking at me. “We need to get out of here.” He picked up the imposter Emmet and slung him over one shoulder. “If they know where we are we need to get moving,” he said.

****

Jake put the man down when we got far enough away from the burning building to be safe. I asked him why he had knocked the man out, and he said it was because he couldn't kill a defenseless man. I was shocked into silence. Eventually, I worked up the courage to ask why he had even thought of killing anyone, and Jake laughed and said that I should think a bit harder about our situation.

We left the imposter Emmet in a clearing with a blanket, and moved on.

Jake asked how I knew that the man wasn't Emmet, and I said I just knew. There was something about him that wasn't right, and he just wasn't... Emmet. He wasn't Emmet and that's all I knew. I wasn't sure how I knew, I just did.

Jake had looked at me quizzically after that, but didn't say anything more about it.

****

“You... You saved me again.” I mumbled, still shaken from the incident. I looked back at the glow in the distance that was Emmet's workshop. “I don't think I could have made it out of there on my own.”

Jake hefted his sword and slung it across his back, and I couldn't help but notice his bulging arms as he did so. The cool night air tossed his ponytail in the breeze, while the moon shone brightly, bathing the world in a silver glow and casting long shadows across the ground. “Don't worry about it. For now let's just focus on getting out of here.”

There was silence for a time, and we just walked.

“You could have been killed, you know, when you tried to come back and get me,” I said.

Jake stopped, and turned to face me. “I was willing to take the risk.” We looked at each other for a long time, then he leaned forward and hugged me tightly. I could feel his big chest against mine, like a warm rock as his huge arms encircled me. “I don't want anything to happen to you,” he said.

I returned the hug, resting my head on a massive shoulder. No other words were necessary.

[COLOR="Red"]To be continued...[/COLOR]

[maximum360]

So... I was just setting up to put the finishing touches on chapter 6 - there was growth, and fireballs, and, actually, I got around to including everything I promised since the beginning... and guess what? My master file is corrupt. It won't open, it looks like I've lost that entire chapter. My nearest backup has a single line of dialogue for chapter six, so I don't have any of my more recent work.

I'm sorry folks. To all my one person who is waiting for the next chapter, I'm afraid you'll have to wait just a bit longer, until I can rewrite chapter 6~ Sorry!

(PS: Anyone who wants to help this go faster can PM me~ I'm always open to help and suggestions from anyone who feels like offering them)

[Ryne]

Well, I guess we can be patient a while longer....

It's just a bump in the road to awesomeness, my friend.