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I Hate Bodybuilders IV This story has been removed by the author. Last edited by R Chris Cooper; September 18th, 2012 at 07:44 AM. |
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Wow. Just Wow. Keep Writing. MD |
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I allowed myself to be a little bit worried at the end of Part Three-- surely this was not the end of the story Stupid me You knew what you were doing-- of course and imho, this is one of the best of the Cooper output |
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GREAT use of multiple perspective of the same scene by each Roger and Tim. It reminded me of my own insecurities, my muscle quest, my romantic side... Thank you for posting such thoughtful work! cheers |
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Coop, Thank you for the conclusion here. The use of interior and exterior speakers was a good device to show what the characters are thinking and to show their evolution. Since I personally, LOVE the muscle growth in stories, I wish there had been more details about HOW Roger became a bodybuilder and how he and Tim trained and became more muscular, with descriptions of Roger's new muscles. I understand that the relationship between the characters eventually becomes the focus of your stories rather than the muscle growth so I understand the resolution, even if I thought it a bit rushed from "now we're having sex and suddenly you're a bodybuilder too, and now we're having the big make up scene." It's hard to sustain the pacing throughout a story and keep the attention of both readers and the author. AS a sometime author myself, I know exactly the times when one starts to get tired of one's own characters and wants them to just "wrap it up." I respect your writing -- your set-ups are always different and well executed and your interior dialogues are very good. I know my own writing could stand to improve, and I look at your and other author's techniques as a primer on how to improve. Good work! Mdlftr |
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Love conquers all obstacles. Thanks for the great ending! __________________ --It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change. Charles Darwin |
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First of all I would like to thank everyone for the kind words and the encouragement. For a very long time I have been trying to figure out a way to show internal thoughts and spoken words of different characters in the same story and yet tell it from the point of view of the individual characters. I didn’t want the story to be written as a narrator would tell the story. It was all about point of view. I think (I hope) I have accomplished that while telling this tale. Thank you Londonboy for showing me the way. Quote:
As I was proof reading I came to that part where Tim is expressing his opinion about Roger taking the position in San Francisco and it didn’t feel right because there was no bridge to show time passing. I added these sentences (in blue) to try to soften that transition. [COLOR=red]How can this be when supposedly I hate bodybuilders? I asked myself. [/COLOR][COLOR=#00B0F0]I found one that I wanted to be with forever.[/COLOR] [COLOR=#00B0F0]The years flew by and I still loved him.[/COLOR] [COLOR=red]************************ Tim *************************[/COLOR] [COLOR=#00B0F0] [/COLOR]The idea was to show that even though they were partners and lovers, life and career changes sometimes throws a monkey wrench into the best of relationships. Tim was miserable until he mended what was broken. Maybe he had to give up things but he bit the bullet and drove cross country after burning all the bridges. I couldn’t resist working in the theme of ‘I hate bodybuilders’ and using that to open Roger’s eyes to the person on the other side of the door. Secondly the ‘I hate bodybuilders’ yelled by Tim told the reader (I hope) that Roger had transitioned from an out of shape guy into a muscleman in the three years they had been together. Even Tim is impressed seeing Roger's muscular body again after Roger opens the door. I was originally trying to finish the story in two parts. Two became three and three became four. I think that if I would have chronicled Roger’s growth it may have turned into five parts. Thanks again for reading my stories. Coop P.S. This reply is almost long enough to be part five. Last edited by R Chris Cooper; April 22nd, 2012 at 11:42 AM. |
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Coop, Thanks for giving us the author's insights. As I read the highlighted material where you showed the transitions. I see what you were doing when you added the sentences: How can this be when supposedly I hate bodybuilders? I asked myself. I found one that I wanted to be with forever. The years flew by and I still loved him. ************************ Tim ************************* I begged him not to take that new job. He was making incredible progress in the gym. I actually thought as I was reading it that Roger could have admitted to himself that he not only fell in love with a bodybuilder, but he became one himself. Then you could add a line giving some exposition and a sense after the passage of time: ================================================== =================================== [Roger, picking up after, ..'and I still loved him'. {"Over the past three years as we had lifted together, I had progressed from being a "newbie" to becoming a "regular" and now I was a bodybuilder myself. How could I ever hate myself? How could I ever hate what I love so much?"} ********************Tim*************************** ******** I begged him not to take that new job. He was making incredible progress in the gym. {His new size was an inspiration to all the other newbies and wanna bes in the gym.} I loved him. I couldn't remember what it was like to be alone. I feared being alone, without his funny, strong, supportive presence. I needed him like air or water, like my muscles needed to workout. He couldn't leave-- but he did.} ================================================== ==================================== I do a lot of group editing at work. Please don't think I didn't like your writing - I do. I just kept thinking about this one moment. Mdlftr |
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I might have thought about doing that if I had another few days. (Maybe) It is one of those rough spots that we, who are sometimes too close to the story, fail to see and resolve. Thanks again Coop Last edited by R Chris Cooper; April 23rd, 2012 at 12:00 PM. |
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I made some minor changes as per Mdlftr's suggestion. It is towards the end of the story and it bridges the three years that passed between Tim and Roger getting together and Roger taking the new job. I hope this helps with the continuity. Coop |
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That does make it flow better. Great story. Also, good to see a writer who doesn't get bent out of shape by good writing critique. |
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Anyway thanks for the input and let me hear from you. Coop |
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Really enjoy your writing, Coop! |
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This story right here sums up the kind of relationship I want with a guy. Sad that when it boils down to things, I probably have no chance. Anywho, enough depressing myself. This was/is a great story! |
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I do hope that other contributors take this opportunity to read a good story which is well-written, to evaluate it (Why is it so good?) and to read also the messages from readers, especially those of Mdlftr and the replies from Chris, so that you can see how a story can start, grow, change and how useful suggestions can be accepted and incorporated into the finished article. Again, thanks, Chris. The stories you contribute to this site are varied and show great imagination-- you are a great mentor |
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