Working on a story! *Sample Included*

[musclemonkey]

Hey everyone!

So, I write on a very irregular basis, and most of what I write I just keep to myself. I very rarely write an entire story. It's just easier to write an erotic short growth scene that is terribly written and then discard it later. There are three things that I enjoy seeing the most in a story on this kind of site, and I almost never find all three in one story, so I am dedicating time into working on something legitimately good. It isn't near completion yet, and I still have the best part to write (the growth!). The three things I love to see are growth from sex, heterosexual sex, and legitimate emotional development of the characters. Hopefully my story will be well received on this kind of site, but if anyone knows where it could be most appreciated, I am open to posting it elsewhere. Like I said, I don't post much, so this is all kind of foreign to me.
As for the story (I will try not to give too much away!), it follows a girl and a guy in high school. The guy is the hottest in school, and as rumors spread of his sexual escapades, he only gets hotter. The girl thinks she has legitimate feelings for the guy, but it's hard to tell since she is so extremely physically attracted to him as well. However, the guy has his own story to tell...
I plan on writing from both of their points of view throughout the story. It is going to turn out to be pretty long, and I don't plan on breaking it into multiple parts simply because it makes the most sense in one fluid go. Like I said, I still have a lot of writing and editing to do, but here's a sample:
I'm open to ANY feedback!

Olivia watches Ethan board the bus. He?s in a sleeveless white Underarmour shirt. The shirt is pulled skintight across his meaty pecs, and his dark nipples show through easily. His pecs push the shirt out, but it curves back to snugly hug every beautifully sculpted ab in his washboard sixpack. The white shirt complements his naturally tan skin. His dark hair is spikey as usual, but it?s a bit closer to the ceiling now that he stands at about 6?. One of his still veiny arms is stretched out to fist pump one of his buddies in a bus seat, and the other is flexed, showing off his sexy 17 inch bicep as he carries his pack over his shoulder, and a black tuft of armpit hair is visible. He?s in gray basketball shorts, pulled tight in places around his ass and thighs, the drawstrings knotted tight so they fit around his thin waist. Olivia learned a long time ago not to gasp at the visible soft, but still sizeable penis always snaking down his right leg. His bulging calves flex as he walks towards the end of the bus. His legs are hairy, but not any hairier than most other guys, and they go right down to another new pair of large, green and black tennis shoes. Olivia guessed they were about a size 13 or 14. Olivia followed his tan, Adonis body from his feet all the way back up, taking note of his perfect white smile and his deep brown eyes looking right into hers.

[howardbeatman]

I like it. Keep going!

[musclemonkey]

Originally Posted by howardbeatman

I like it. Keep going!

Thank you! I keep working on it bit by bit, and I think it is going to be really good.