A Word Out of Place - Part 10

[tekuno]

This story is now complete. Content warnings and description for this story accompany part 1. Each part has a link to the next part at the end for your convenience.

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten

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Sorry, I made the mistake of starting to play a Flash game called Cursed Treasure 2 this weekend, and basically it ate all my time without my noticing. (I'm a sucker for tower defense games.) So I didn't have time to write another part of the other story, which would ordinarily be posted tonight. Here, instead, is the final part of this one, since I already had it written.

Some of you were hoping the king would get killed. Of course that was always going to happen; a character like that is basically created to be killed at some point. But there's a clich? about being careful what you wish for...

(Interesting: if you post a link to another thread using the "URL" tag, vBulletin will open it in a new window by default, which I always find kind of annoying. But if you use the "thread" tag, it opens in the same window. Useful to know.)

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A Word Out of Place
Part 10

It had been more than a weary month of travel, but at last Andrew arrived at the mountain fastness which was the home of the Seer of Dandt Rune. A servant clad in rude garments ushered Andrew into the presence; the Seer sat on the floor of the single room of a bare stone hut. He was an impressive figure, thin and pale and wearing a long robe with a hood which kept his face in shadow. He stood when Andrew entered, and was revealed to be unusually tall, though not quite to Andrew's great height.

"You are Andrew, Crown Prince of Lanchurumein. You have been travelling 47 days. You are here at the order of your father. He has ordered you to ask me two questions, and you have made the usual payment. He wants to know how to return you to your normal size, and when he will finish killing the rebels.

"The answer to the former question: starvation will reduce your bulk somewhat, but the changes to your frame and overall strength are irreversible. While you live, you will remain a giant.

"The answer to the second question: your father will finish killing rebels the evening you return to the castle.

"You yourself have a question as well. Speak, that I might answer."

Andrew swallowed. "I wish to live with Simon. What do you advise me to do?"

"I advise you not to return home. What you seek is not there any longer."

"But... but you said Father would continue to kill until I return!"

"You will return home. Nevertheless, the matter remains as I have said. I advise you not to go, though I know that you will. This is the futile nature of my position. Now I ask that you leave. Your massive intake of essential salts reminds me of the folly which caused my own condition."

"But--"

"I have answered your question. Begone."

-----

"Your Highness, there is a woman in the way of the carriage. She is waving her arms as though trying to warn us of an emergency. Shall we stop?"

"I suppose it will do no harm, this close to the castle. Why, it's Ellen!"

Andrew lept to the ground and ran to the cook. "Ellen, what's wrong?"

"I've come to warn you -- in your absence, your father began to execute people left and right for imagined rebellion. I fled two weeks ago, but even then he had destroyed half the staff who had been there before his arrival. He sends for new staff every day, now, and the guards patrol constantly looking for 'rebels'."

"What of Simon?"

"I have not seen him since you left. I suspect the worst. Oh, Prince Andrew, don't go back! Your father will kill us all!"

"The Seer says he will cease killing only upon my arrival, Ellen. And I must discover Simon's whereabouts, although the Seer said he was no longer here. Take care, Ellen. I'm sure you'll find a new life somewhere; a good cook is always in demand."

Andrew returned to the carriage. "Onward!" Ellen watched it drive away.

-----

"Father, I have returned."

"Hmph. You saw the Seer? What did he say?"

"He said that nothing would restore my former stature, and that you would finish killing the rebels the evening I returned home."

"The latter is welcome news. We shall seek other opinions about the former. Now seek your chamber; We have affairs of state to which We must attend."

"Father?"

"Go!"

"Father, where is Simon?"

"Oh, your bodyguard?" The king smiled, his eyes half-lidded. "Stay a moment. Being removed from your presence had a poor effect on him. We shall see if you still enjoy his company." The king issued an order to the air. "Boy, We order you to come to the throne room immediately." The king's smile widened as he watched his son.

A massive figure entered the throne room. It shuffled to the base of the stairs, and stopped.

"Simon!"

"Silence, Andrew. The boy is easily confused. Boy, We order you take Andrew to his chamber and return here immediately."

"Ya ya, Majestee. Take, chamber, return." The figure turned and shuffled out. Andrew followed, his father's laughter echoing in his ears.

-----

Haggard, Prince Andrew sat on his bed. Simon had not betrayed any recognition, not so much of a flicker of his glazed eyes as he shuffled through the castle. Well, perhaps what magic had done, magic could undo. He would wait until the King's mood lightened, and ask permission to send to the Rune Seer. Or perhaps the King's amulet could simply order the damage to be undone. If a remedy existed it would not be found without the assent of the King. Prince Andrew lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling, thinking.

After a time, he rolled over on his side. He rearranged the pillows, and beneath them he found a slip of paper. Holding it up to the light, he saw that it was half-covered in Simon's script, written frantically.

"Andrew: I am writing this immediately after you left the castle. Your father is using his amulet to order me to report to the throne room so he can destroy my mind. I am exploiting the fact that he did not specify how quickly I must obey, but he will realize his error at any moment. I may not see you again. I love you, Andrew. If you"

The note ended in an ugly scrawl.

-----

Andrew burst into the throne room. The King gave him another smile. "Ah, you wish to see your bodyguard again, Andrew? Perhaps if you beg, We will let you keep him in the stables. He seems to clean them very well, with the proper orders. His hands make excellent scoops for manure, do they not." He gestured to the corner where Simon stood, his head sunk on his massive chest, drool running from his open mouth.

"Father! You said he was destroyed by my absence, but you lied! You ordered Simon to become this thing!"

"We see someone has been talking. One more rebel to destroy as We finish the purge. But then there is no longer any need for this charade; the pieces have been broken and now We can dispose of them." He pointed to Simon. "We order you to burn to death immediately."

"Father, no!"

"You cannot stop Us, Andrew. We hold the absolute authority in Our hand."

-----

"High Highness has been assassinated! And his bodyguards are dead as well! Lights! Bring lights! Hurry!"

"Seek out the Prince and see to his safety! The rebels must have infiltrated the castle!"

"Quickly! You! Run and have them secure the gates! You, alert the guards on the walls! Fetch a doctor!"

"I heard footsteps running that way!"

"Guards! This way! The assassin must not escape!"

Boots clattered on flagstones. Doors were thrown open, revealing nothing unusual.

"We've found him! The idiot climbed the tower!"

"After him! We'll teach him what happens to assassins!"

At the top of the tower, Prince Andrew turned the blood-stained amulet over in his hands. He paid no attention to the men pouring out of the tower door behind him. He opened the locket and looked sadly at the picture inside. He kissed it, closed it, and pulled the amulet closer. As the guards closed in around him, he took a deep breath. As he fell, he issued his first and only command as king.

-----

The invaders were astounded. Aside from the few troops who had been actively engaged at the time of the cataclysm, the capture of Lanchurumein went without a single casualty. And with the royal family and the entire army wiped out in the cataclysm, and all the fortresses and strongholds simultaneously destroyed, the citizens had no choice but to embrace their conquerers. Not that this was precisely a surprise; nearly all of them had been steeped in rebellion against the royal family.

In coming years, rumors would fly, as everyone sought to understand what could have caused the explosions. The consensus opinion, which was recorded in the history books, was that the Guardian Spell of the Lanchuru royal family had somehow gone wrong.

-----

Nearly a century passed before another king considered making use of the famous guard enchantment of Lanchurumein. A cynic would sneer and proclaim that the delay was amazing, but even more astonishing was the caution with which the project was approached. After the catastrophic destruction of that entire army, not even human greed would jump in unprepared.

A messenger was dispatched across two deserts, a mountain range, and an ocean to seek out the one man who could settle, for once and for all, the question of whether or not such an attempt could be made in safety. To the messenger's surprise, the Seer had descended from his mountain fastness and approached him eagerly.

"O great master to whom all things are known--"

"Yes, yes. You may forgo all that."

"His Royal Highness King Eselear of Dithips has obtained the sole remaining grimoire in which is recorded the ancient guardian enhancement spells of Lanchurumein. He would like to know whether the spell may be employed safely."

"Ah. But that is not a question. What, specifically, would His Highness like to know?"

Only afterwards did the messenger recall with what excitement the Seer awaited his next words.

"Uhm, er, His Majesty wishes to ask: was the destruction of Lanchurumein a result of their guardian spells?"

"You may tell His Majesty the simple answer: yes. And you may add that I strongly recommend the grimoire be burnt immediately."

"Your payment--"

"Keep it! Keep it! Now go! Hurry! You must deliver the message, mustn't you?"

The messenger rode away, and it was only decades later that historians, working diligently to piece together hints and reports from many different sources, discovered that this was the last time anyone had ever seen the last Seer of Dandt Rune alive.

The End

[Hanugumo]

Awwwr, Simon and Andrew are dead too. T_T The poor lovers, one dead as he burned to death and the other executed by the guards(or did he take his own life?)...

I had hoped for a happy ending, but I guess it's as good as it gets. A little sad that Simon & Andrew couldn't get back together and all... <=(

[Rarity]

It seems the guards killed Andrew, Hanugumo. Since it says as he fell. I suppose his last command was for the entire kingdom's army to implode or something.

It was well written and a good story. But of course, the ending. . .

:T

[tekuno]

Ah, done with the evening cleanup -- two days' worth of kitchen cleanup, thanks to the Flash plugin; I ought to uninstall that thing -- and time for some bonus material.

Originally Posted by Rarity

It seems the guards killed Andrew, Hanugumo. Since it says as he fell.

Nope. Although I didn't specify it, he jumped. The spell means that the guards can't harm the royal family, remember?

When I sat down and decided to write a tragic ending, I started off with the image of the prince screaming as he fell after jumping off a tower. And I decided that the reason would be that he didn't want to live without his bodyguard, and my mind presented me with the idea that he kissed a portrait before jumping. Then I chose the necessary versions of events to make that scene happen. This was possible because, as mentioned, the whole thing is a kind of mix-and-match concept I used to think about when I was an adolescent.

Maybe someday, if I'm low on ideas, I'll write what might be called the "main sequence" version of the story (on some kind of notional Hertzsprung-Russell diagram of the versions of this story, this was the path which ends in a supernova), which has a happy ending (well, okay, mostly it's just open ended, with the good guys making it through all the bad stuff, but "alive, healthy, safe, and together" probably counts as a happy ending).

(Ironically, in that version there really is a rebellion. But I never bothered to come up with a reason why, so if I ever wrote it out, I'd have to come up with an explanation which wouldn't make the royal family bad guys. And that's kind of hard; rebellions generally happen because the ruling classes are horrible people. You don't risk your life fighting the government because you're unhappy with the color they painted the local post office.)

Coming up next: well, I have plenty more of Footnotes From The Unauthorized Version to write, which is cheerful and has a good ending in store (I already have it down; I just have to connect the parts which are already out with it). I plan to continue posting a part of that every other day, but I think I'm probably going to skip tomorrow. Because I can. (Well, okay, because there are a lot of things I should have done this weekend instead of playing that dratted game, and now I need to catch up.)

Once that's done, I have an idea for a shortish one-shot (i.e. something small enough that it makes no sense to split it into parts) that I want to write. It's going to be creepy and, in a way, evil, but not actually a sad ending per se. (It's about an assassin, so there will be killing in it. But it's not a snuff story.) The working title is Secrets of the Immortal Assassin. (Mwa ha ha ha ha!) And then I'll be posting the rewrite of the Caveman story/concept/thing which I have already mentioned elsewhere. I will basically be putting that up as I finish it, but I plan on a pace of about three parts per week, so think "one part every two or three days". That one will be sort of betwixt and between in tone; it's going to be a lot more erotic than this story was, and it will have a happy ending, but it's going to have Conflict-with-a-capital-C in it. I look forward to the challenge of trying to write "bad guy" dialog which doesn't turn the bad guy into a two-dimensional villain stereotype. (Nobody ever actually sees themselves as evil; a realistic bad guy always has a justification for why the evil stuff he's doing is actually okay.)

I'm also planning to start every part of Caveman (there's no reason to give it a clever title, really) with a quotation relevant to the action of that part, which will either be really fun or a recipe for madness.

[Rarity]

Good to know. I look forward to the happy stuff. I am fine with some form of tragedy, which is also what inspired a new character. At least Andrew found love and saved his Kingdom in a blaze of glory.

I have this idea for my own stories thanks to Hockey Hunk, which establishes a continuity between future stories by using the same few characters. There is one character I have named Tragedy, who's power is influenced by tragic experiences. He can prevent "Tragedy" from occurring by changing a person's reality to be a happier one, but ironically, he can't prevent his own alter-fates to end tragically. He takes the form of "Tragedy" for a few years before being sent off to another time or dimension, in which he is reborn as someone entirely different - no memory or anything (so he's like a normal/new person). Of course it always ends badly one way or another, and luckily for his sanity, he never remembers it when he is returned back to his normal form. He still retains the feelings, though.

Would you mind if I gave a slight nod to this story? I was thinking he could have been Simon, albeit I wouldn't mention it outright. Even though this story ended tragically, it would be a lot less tragic compared to his other alter-fates.

[tekuno]

Originally Posted by Rarity

Good to know. I look forward to the happy stuff. I am fine with some form of tragedy, which is also what inspired a new character. At least Andrew found love and saved his Kingdom in a blaze of glory.

I have this idea for my own stories thanks to Hockey Hunk, which establishes a continuity between future stories by using the same few characters. There is one character I have named Tragedy, who's power is influenced by tragic experiences. He can prevent "Tragedy" from occurring by changing a person's reality to be a happier one, but ironically, he can't prevent his own alter-fates to end tragically. He takes the form of "Tragedy" for a few years before being sent off to another time or dimension, in which he is reborn as someone entirely different - no memory or anything (so he's like a normal/new person). Of course it always ends badly one way or another, and luckily for his sanity, he never remembers it when he is returned back to his normal form. He still retains the feelings, though.

Sounds a very tiny bit like an old comic titled "Dr. Chaos" which -- as with a lot of titles in the 1990s -- I only discovered long after it was discontinued, possibly because the publisher had gone out of business. Neat story concept -- the entire plotline in the two other linked titles from that publisher was revealed to have been a sort of game between the personifications of Chaos and Death, the former trying to keep intelligent life (which is essentially chaotic) going forever and the latter trying to kill everything. (And just as Death was announcing his victory party over having brought about a war which exhausted all resources and made the end of civilization inevitable, the title character revealed that he had made a change to the past which prevented any of the characters Death was using in his endgame from even existing in the first place. Death sputters and blusters and then asks why Chaos didn't simply change the universe so that his own victory was inevitable, and Chaos smiles and says "I'm Doctor Chaos; I love surprises!" Cute comic, although the story kind of went downhill from there.)

Would you mind if I gave a slight nod to this story? I was thinking he could have been Simon, albeit I wouldn't mention it outright. Even though this story ended tragically, it would be a lot less tragic compared to his other alter-fates.

Honestly, I'd kind of prefer if you didn't, but not to the point where I'll get all huffy if you do. If you think it would lend an extra depth to your character, then go ahead.

[cutlerfan]

I realize you suggested the ending would not be nice but I have to ask..why did you write this story? There is already more than enough misery and cruelty in the world.

[Rarity]

Originally Posted by tekuno

Honestly, I'd kind of prefer if you didn't, but not to the point where I'll get all huffy if you do. If you think it would lend an extra depth to your character, then go ahead.

Actually, never mind. I scrapped the idea already. Mostly because that means I'd have to do something super tragic for all his stories. I'm easily capable of doing that, but I'd rather not.

[nnnrg]

As tragedy, it was pretty good.

I can come up with a few easy answers off the top of my head about rebellion.
First, rebellion is not simply a result of tyranny. It is a result of dissatisfaction.
The cause of dissatisfaction doesn't even have to be real. I'm sure there are several cogent examples in modern politics that shows how that would work.

For the royal family NOT to be corrupt, there needs to be something that actually justifies the use of such extreme magic. One (of many) answer is the ancient magical law that says "the King is the Land" - that is, the King's health and fertility directly affect the health and well-being of the kingdom, and there must be a male king (and possibly a female queen) for this magic to work; the King bleeds ritually to provide life to the soil (or does something else that imparts fertility, nudge). The insanity about rebellion could easily be reflected in the kingdom by the rebellion itself, which forms with no good basis.
And this can be a plot brought on by the wicked curses of enemy kingdoms.

Now as for the 'rightness' of the torture applied to the guards to test their strength and durability: torture undergone by consent to grow stronger is not so much torture.
On the one hand, all those powerful spells, applied to a willing volunteer, would result in a pretty powerful guard, and that's easily something that people would have accepted.
Applying them to an infant was a mark of insanity, as well as moral corruption.

Only a mitigating circumstance, such as a curse or possession of the King, would have the effect of making him slowly slide into insanity. Add to that a prophecy that suggests that the child-guard would be the only way to save the kingdom, and you have the same story.

As for why a tragedy? Why Romeo and Juliet? Why Hamlet? Why does everyone die in Ragnarok? Because. Everyone dies eventually. It's part of life, and stories that include that, help us to understand and fit that into our own lives.

[muscl4life]

Maybe this story will be known because it was a tragedy, but frankly, I expected a bit more to it, and it did feel rushed. I mean, Andrew was strong enough to defeat any guys he wanted, especially his father, which he did, and he could have ran away, suicide was the only way he could cope with Simon's death.

I hate to be a nit picker but wasn't Simon fireproof? I mean the king had personally made sure his boy was indestructible. I don't think that wishing him to burn would have worked, he could have asked for him to have a heart attack for instance. I know, I know people hate nit pickers.

I accept Simon had to die for your story to make sense for you, and your ending is the only possible one so I accept it and thank you fir your effort and hard work, I had a nice time, maybe not really nice towards the ending, but I understand that every story has to mean something to the writer, and if you wanted a tragedy, so now you had to make it a tragedy.

Kudos for making a meaningful tale to a bunch of horny dogs like us, which means that I albeit appreciating your effort still sincerely say that I've enjoyed your other stories (original and rewritten) much more, but i can tell that you have given the right ending for your story and that is the best accomplishment for a writer, to feel he had done what he really felt, this kind of freedom is really great so enjoy it. You will always have haters and lovers of your stories, and killing your main characters won't change this fact.

Cheers

[tekuno]

Originally Posted by cutlerfan

I realize you suggested the ending would not be nice but I have to ask..why did you write this story? There is already more than enough misery and cruelty in the world.

A fair question and one that in recent weeks 'as been much on my mind.

Several reasons:

1. I like happy endings. But whether you think I did a good job handling a sad ending or not, part of my goal in actually posting stories (instead of just lurking) is to challenge myself to write lots of different things. Most of my stories have happy endings, and so a sad ending is a "different thing".

2. Most of the stories on this board are structurally similar. After a while, a lot of the new stories start to be less "what's going to happen here" than "which of the stories I have already seen is this". I wanted to do something which would be unexpected. There isn't much that can be unexpected if the story has to contain muscle growth -- probably in an erotic context -- to show up here at all.

3. So far, nearly every story I have written was begun by coming up with a mental image of some particular scene which is very evocative (at least to me), and constructing a sequence of events which would lead up to or arise as consequences of that particular scene. The image, which as I say I came up with years ago, of the prince dying for love of the dead bodyguard was one which I always found evocative. And I object on principle to "yes-this-character-died-but-actually-they-weren't-really-dead-because-we-said-so". It reeks of bad plotting. (Think of how many superheroes have "died" as marketing ploys!)

4. The plot worked out very neatly: the unrest which was ultimately resolved as a result of the actions of the bodyguard was caused by the creation of the bodyguard (his abduction as a baby), the king produced his own nemesis by leaving his son behind to be trained, the guard produced his own vengeance by training the prince (and thus creating possibly the only person in the whole world with both the necessary skill to defeat a magically-enhanced bodyguard and no magical compulsion to leave the king alone), and the prince was -- in a cosmic justice kind of way -- punished for failing to confront his father. I didn't even start off with those ideas in mind: they just turned out to be part of the way the story came together.

5. As for a proximate cause, I actually complained that one of my other stories was too maudlin (even though it had a happy ending) and got told that whatever I wanted to do as an author was okay (within the necessary boundaries of nothing illegal or non-male-muscle-growth-related). Being myself, I couldn't leave a challenge like that alone -- if I hadn't written this one, I would have written something else which would have been just as objectionable, just to see if anyone complained. I wouldn't have published a story with a sad ending if I hadn't been told "anything is okay", so really <sarcasm> the blame should go to Mass Driver, not me. </sarcasm> :P

But yes, writing the ending did feel bad. It was like taking a pottery class, building up a pot you really think is beautiful, glazing it very carefully, putting it in the kiln to bake, letting it cool, and then when you take it home you throw it at the wall.

On the other hand, Simon is a little too saintly to be realistic. Once you start to think about it, pretty much everything he does in the story is by compulsion; the only thing he does of his own volition is to apparently fall in love with the son of his tormentor, which is probably not a healthy thing.

At least he's not as bad as Belldandy in Oh My Goddess. She's downright creepy -- like a Japanese version of a Stepford wife. (Even the "Belldandy is jealous" bits which are dropped in here and there fail to actually give her a personality. You could exchange her character with a woman-shaped android and it wouldn't alter things a bit. In fact, the seriously-disturbing-if-you-think-about-it-at-all Saber Marionette series actually has woman-shaped androids which have more personality than Belldandy.)

Originally Posted by muscl4life

Maybe this story will be known because it was a tragedy, but frankly, I expected a bit more to it, and it did feel rushed. I mean, Andrew was strong enough to defeat any guys he wanted, especially his father, which he did, and he could have ran away, suicide was the only way he could cope with Simon's death.

Once Andrew reached the limit of plausible human size, the growth part of the story had to stop, which mean that the ending had to come next, because I didn't think anyone would want to read paragraph after paragraph of not-very-historically-accurate descriptions of ordinary medieval daily life (insofar as the phrase can be applied to an absentee prince and his magical bodyguard who are both superhumanly large and strong, at least).

And although someone said before that Andrew was something of a spoiled brat -- which is true, to a certain extent, although he was at least a spoiled brat on a very high level and reasonably pleasant to people -- I really did try to make it clear that he really did love Simon, enough that his grief over the full revelation of Simon's ultimate fate was enough to drive him to murder and then suicide.

And I don't think you would have liked a drawn-out sad ending any more than I would have liked writing one. Better to get it out of the way quickly. Besides, this way neither one of them had to suffer for very long. Simon was wiped out within minutes of Andrew leaving the castle, and Andrew spent about three months worrying and then less than twenty-four hours in torment after his fears were confirmed. I've met people who have suffered far worse than either of those. (Heck, I had an elderly relative who fell and broke their hip and then reacted badly to the emergency surgery which was necessary and spent several weeks on life support in the ICU of a hospital with no possibility of recovery and in agonizing pain every moment they were conscious, which eventually stopped happening at all.)

I hate to be a nit picker but wasn't Simon fireproof? I mean the king had personally made sure his boy was indestructible. I don't think that wishing him to burn would have worked, he could have asked for him to have a heart attack for instance. I know, I know people hate nit pickers.

Originally, I was going to have the king order Simon to melt, instead, but I thought a sad ending was bad enough without having to imagine that. (And there was precedent for the king killing guards by having them burn to death.)

But I don't see any inconsistency; I never said how the spell made Simon fireproof. Leaving aside the whole "maybe it only works when the royal family wills it" loophole, it's entirely plausible that the fireproofing is really just a magical barrier which keeps excessive heat and oxidation out of Simon's body, which means that if the fire was already inside his body it wouldn't do anything. ("*sigh*... field's no good, now, he's grabbed you... it won't stop him from grabbing you if he's already grabbed you...")

Originally Posted by nnnrg

Only a mitigating circumstance, such as a curse or possession of the King, would have the effect of making him slowly slide into insanity. Add to that a prophecy that suggests that the child-guard would be the only way to save the kingdom, and you have the same story.

Actually, in the "main sequence" version, there's no spell and no torture, Simon wasn't abducted, and the king isn't a villain. It's a fairly different setup altogether. But I always had a rebellion in there as a part of the plot. You'll just have to wait and find out.

I just reread that, and realized that I'm basically promising to write that version someday. Well, phooey, just what I don't need. Unfortunately, as I was making dinner (before coming back and composing this reply), I had plenty of time to think about the other story ideas I've been considering, and I figured out how to make one of them work, and realized that the other one could be split into two stories which I haven't worked out in detail but which I think will work. And now I actually want to write them. So now the list of upcoming stories looks something like:

1. Footnotes From The Unauthorized Version -- humorous long story, currently being posted in parts, probably for another couple of weeks.

2. Secrets of the Immortal Assassin -- possibly-objectionable creepy shorter story (although for different reasons), will be posted all in one shot

3. Caveman -- multipart long story which should have at least a couple of good erotic parts, plus a certain amount of adventure-y bits

4. In Corpore Sano -- a dark, creepy cross-genre story which won't quite be unique -- I think the combination has been tried a few times already -- but which I'm looking forward to trying myself because it hasn't been done as often as a lot of other things. The ending could be said to be "sad" but won't be sad by the conventions of the other genre. (You'll see.) The challenge will be how to keep the other genre from knocking the erotic bits out. I have been thinking of this as a multipart story, but there's no particular reason why it has to be; it might end up being shorter instead.

5. Do Things Differently -- romantic-ish short story, happy ending, not sure how long it will be yet. Not sure exactly how to work in the muscle growth, offhand, but it will be there.

6. The Well Runs Dry -- wistful sad story, open (i.e. not "happy" or "sad" per se) ending, also not sure of the length yet.

7. Whatever the other version of this story will be titled. Will definitely be a long one. Happy ending. Probably a lot of changes of setting, maybe some side-adventures along the way. Will probably tear my hair out writing the medieval-y tone, but then again perhaps I can tone it down.

After that, I'll probably be insane. Or maybe I already am for planning that far in advance. (But I find that announcing in advance what I plan to do gives me an incentive to actually do it. If I haven't mentioned it, then I don't feel guilty about not actually writing it.)

[Rarity]

1. I tried writing a sad story, but upon proofreading it I was like "Oh god, this is morbid" and deleted the entire file. Let's face it(like Cutler said), in real life there's sadness. People usually read stories for happy-feel-goods, especially on this site. With stories, the most important part is the ending. The journey in between is very important too, but a good ending can fix any depressing or dramatic moments if properly written. And in juxtapose, a bad ending can ruin a good story. It's harder to execute and takes skill to do so. You landed it, I think. Given the events, this scenario was the least painful for Simon and Andrew. Some readers might not see it that way, which is a given since sad endings are always a hit or a miss for different people.

PERSONALLY, I think everyone is a bit sad after finishing a good series, book, show, movie, and so on. "Oh it was great, now it's over. Now what?" So the only difference is what degree of sadness there is. If the story is crap (FLASH FIRE FLASH FIRE FLASH FIREEEEEEE) then the reader will be angry with the ending and will be annoyed/sad they wasted their time. If the story is good, they can take satisfaction in the good execution and high points in the story.


2. Indeed. I think it's because that structure works, although I'm personally not OK with that from a writer's standpoint. That's why I try to mix things up, but usually it falls flat really fast if there's no muscly related stuff. I liked the forced bodyguard+royalty idea since it would be different, but I never found a way to incorporate it. Eventually I just wrote "A Dragon's Curse" instead which was something somewhat different but was stationed in the same kind of setting. At least it wasn't a "happy happy joy joy we grow and fuck and live happily ever after with no problems in between" type of story. I think a "happy ending" needs to be earned. I get bored with writing otherwise.


3. That's a good way to go about things. I try putting realistic spins on things. I mean, if a guy's going to randomly grow something bad is going to happen one way or another. . . Depending on the setting of the story. People are going to notice. It's not just going to be a "oh it happened ok let's move on" kind of deal. That's why I like tossing in sad twists. It's exciting to read and makes the reader want to reach the end to find out what happened. I do this to spite Flash Fire(I had to read it), which was garbage and pissed me off since it was riddled in cliches, stereotypes, and horrible character-reactions. The most important thing, despite it all, is just to be satisfied with your work and have fun while typing/writing. Even if a few people might find it somewhat depressing by the time they reach the finish line.

There's really no such thing as bad plotting if it's done right. For example, if magic is involved - then almost anything is possible if you want it to be. That's the power of fiction. It's a marketing ploy for most things (comics, daytime dramas, and so on) and is actually pretty cliche to the point of lameness. But if it's something that will make people happy, then the dilemma of "is it worth it to sacrifice some of the plot's integrity to make this happier" comes into play. There's ways around that, but it usually means you have to give a simple/stupid explanation or a convoluted one.


4. Circle of drama. I liked it and saw it too. Whether it was unintentional or not doesn't negate the fact it was well-woven together.


5. I legit make dresses in real life, so I challenge myself there. However, it's only thanks to requests or suggestions that I get better. In the end it's not really a challenge at all for me; it's just tweaking. Same goes for my stories. So good for you for taking that step. You set out and done it. Albeit, you may have done it too well. Which is wonderful from a writer's standpoint, hella sad from a reader's standpoint.

Originally Posted by tekuno

Once Andrew reached the limit of plausible human size, the growth part of the story had to stop, which mean that the ending had to come next, because I didn't think anyone would want to read paragraph after paragraph of not-very-historically-accurate descriptions of ordinary medieval daily life (insofar as the phrase can be applied to an absentee prince and his magical bodyguard who are both superhumanly large and strong, at least).

Good choice. That's one of the reasons why it's a good story. I like detail, but it gets weird when you draw things out that people wouldn't mind skipping over. It's also harder to write when you actually think about it, too.

Originally Posted by tekuno

And I don't think you would have liked a drawn-out sad ending any more than I would have liked writing one. Better to get it out of the way quickly. Besides, this way neither one of them had to suffer for very long. Simon was wiped out within minutes of Andrew leaving the castle, and Andrew spent about three months worrying and then less than twenty-four hours in torment after his fears were confirmed.

Another good choice about making the sad ending really quick. . . until the bold part. I sat there going "Oh jeez, I'm going to read through this to find out what happened to Simon and he's probably going to be dead or something nearly as sad. . . FLASH FIRE PLOT ELEMENT STRIKES AGAIN AAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOOOOOO I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU TEKUNO!(except not really)" Though Andrew's reaction and decision are what automatically made it satisfactory. It was a very realistic reaction given the circumstances. And again, since it was fast it was a lot easier to deal with. A+++

Still, that's almost 6 more rocks put in the sadness catapult. Simon's mind was obliterated, which is sad for obvious reasons (one rock). Andrew returns after worrying for months, only to see his lover turned into a monster(two rocks/three rocks). Then he watches his lover get burned alive (four rocks), and never got a chance to snag his father's amulet to try and reverse whatever was done(five rocks). Andrew kills his father when it's too late to do anything for his lover, and then kills himself while also issuing one last order (5 rocks and a pebble since it was semi-poetic).

Factor in the fact Simon and Andrew loved each other, and that's another two rocks. Then tack one one more rock for every character that you like if that character dies/has something awful happen to them. So I'd imagine that the typical reader is thinking "How many rocks are going to be thrown at me before it's finally over?"




TL;DR
Writer standpoint/Someone who appreciates good writing regardless of the content standpoint: Amazing work. Good job. Nice choice of speeding through the harsher part. Hope to see more.

Reader standpoint: Oh hey, what's this story? Wow looks interesting, I'll go all the way to the end(0:08). I get closer and closer to the end and it looks like it becomes more and more colorful! Yay, almost at the end, but there's something not-so-colorful there now. . . Hum, I hope that bad thing doesn't pipe up and make this wor-(0:12). . . (0:15-0:22).

[tekuno]

Just a quick question: I can't tell from the way you used the term here -- is "Flash Fire" the name of a story I just haven't read/don't remember, or is it strictly your term for "really bad stuff which happens too fast"? If it's an actual story, can you give me a link? It might be kind of fun to read a story which I have no need to think is any good whatsoever. Although it's kind of a delicate point -- it has to be bad enough to be funny, without being so bad that it's actually painful.

My mother once reviewed an incredibly bad novella, semi-professionally (that is, she was paid for the review, but it wasn't her regular job). The plot involved voodoo-ish supernatural stuff, as I recall, and it was exactly bad enough to be hilarious.

There's a well-documented -- and obvious, if you start to pay attention -- tendency for people to use "big words" if they want to sound intelligent, the general idea being that educated people know lots of obscure words which tend to be long, so if you use nothing but long words, you'll sound educated. But if you hang around with educated people, what you'll find is that -- except for the ones who are in semi-fraudulent fields like Business Education -- they use long words when those long words contain shades of meaning which can't be expressed in a shorter phrase. They aren't forcing themselves to use longer words, like someone with a "word of the day" calendar trying to work the arbitrary selections into a conversation, they just actually think in those words. When they don't mean to use finer shades of meaning, they don't use longer words. But people who are merely trying to sound educated, without actually being educated, will just push for more syllables. ("Utilize" for "use" is one red flag. So is "enormity" used to mean "big", which is doubly bad because "enormity" actually means "evil".)

Well, this book was a prime example of the "big words" phenomenon. The author never said "light" if he could say "luminescence", never had a character "say" anything if "enunciate" was available, and so on down the line. Sometimes three or four times for the same too-long word on the same page. Even the tiniest, most piffling details were described in the most pompous terms possible. Certain phrases became standing jokes around the house. We got a lot of laughs out of it.

[Rarity]

Flash Fire is a story. The following quote is an accurate summary, not an exaggerated retelling. . . Yep, it's awful.

Originally Posted by Rarity

EX: Flash Fire

The chapter finishes with one of the main characters (David - nicknamed Beau) in the middle of climbing the cliff - a painful and tiring endeavor. He ran through a blazing house and is currently surrounded by fire and smoke while climbing. But he's half way up the rocks. . . The author leaves you on a cliff hanger and doesn't bring it up again for 2 chapters. The last chapter? The fire men/cops/whatever come in and say "Oh yeah, he died of dehydration. He was found on top of the rocks."

Summary of Parent's reaction: "OMG that's pretty bad! At least we have our daughter and now we will never take her for granted. Hey, Mexican girl who barely speaks English, I know you're super young and you work for our neighbor because it's impossible for you to get a job. How about we adopt you? Yay! Now let's all go out for icecream."

Excuse me. No. What did I just read?

So in order to use Flash Fire recipe for plot failure and story destroying. . . You need the following:
1)Cliff hanger featuring a main character(or multiple characters) in a bad situation. There's are two outcomes, happy route(lives) or sad route(dies). You'd obviously want him to live, so you read to find out.

2) Ignore the cliff hanger with no mention of the main character(s) featured in the cliff hanger. This bothers the readers, but in a way that builds anticipation.

3) When returning to the cliff hanger, you give an extremely simple ending to the cliff hanger. It's not a bad thing, per se, but it drops bricks on the readers if it's a sad outcome over a happy one. Especially if they were rooting for that character/those characters.

4) When other characters are told what happened, now is the time for them to react! Except in Flash Fire, where they act in a very unrealistic, stupid, and shallow manner. Not because it's "in their character" to do so, but simply because the writer is bad.


1~3 are common plot devices, but how they are used is what makes all the difference. If a writer enter point 3 on a very sad or simple note, he/she is already heading in the wrong direction unless he/she somehow rectifies things when entering point 4.

When I read about what happened to Simon, I thought of Flash Fire's version of point 1~3, which really just tie together. When you hit point 4, it changed for the better plotwise. Sad. But better. So in the end it was not like Flash Fire at all, it just felt like it towards the beginning of the post. I mean, it'd take a very bad story to compare with Flash Fire. But I do use the plot elements to help determine if I should prepare to facepalm or not. I usually stop reading too, since when people go with the more depressing ways of point 1~3, they usually post an equally depressing point 4 that doesn't fix any of the left over problems.

BASICALLY:
1) Simon is left back at the castle with the deranged king. "Oh no!"

2) Andrew constantly worries about Simon, and so do the readers. "I hope he's OK. I really love him and don't know what I'd do without him."

3) Andrew returns to the castle to find out the worst has happened, and then some. "OK, so Simon has been turned into a dumb grotesque monster. Oh hey, cool, a note from Simon. Yay, he wrote about his last moments before his mind was fucked. This makes things less sad, said no one ever. WELL, this can't get worse. Oh and now my father made Simon burn to death. I guess he can't be saved. Well I guess I was wrong, I wonder how much more depressing it's gonna get? This is the part where I go LOL OH WELL, right?"

4) Andrew murders the fuck out of his father's face, issues an order to rectify things within the kingdom, then kills himself while he was drowning in sorrowful/vengeful/confusing emotions. "FUCK YO COUCH, DAD. THIS ONE'S FOR SIMON! *super sad feels* Well OK, I'll say goodbye to my love and then jump to my death because I'm drowning in sorrow. Oh and one last order to rectify the kingdom's problem and let other people take it over since the royal family is no more. Hopefully this crazy magic shit dies with me."

WELL. FUCK. SHIT JUST GOT REAL. Good ending that wraps up everything. Faaaaaar from happy, but very good.

[muscl4life]

I never meant you had to change the ending you had in mind, I felt it was rushed but never disagreed with it. In my opinion even within the tragic ending, they could have the chance to at least prove their love would beat the hatred father and his spell, and still both of them would have been ruined, I still think you had done what you felt was right and there is nothing wrong with that.

You have basically set this tale to be a tragedy because of the double edged sword of magic, even tried to gave us your perfect wish formula. I agree with that, so the same power it bestows is capable of destroying the subject or his beloved ones.

Actually, if you erase the muscle growth part in Andrew and Simon, you still have a solid and touching tragedy, which proves your storytelling skills go beyond "paw off material".

Now that you got tragedy out of your system, I sincerely hope you have fun writing all kinds of stories, even when you are creating other heartbreaking stories.

Cheers

PS. I still think Andrew was a spoiled brat, he truly loved Simon, though. No one can disagree with that, but he lacked a backbone and I really hoped he could have defended Simon instead of killing his father out of pure revenge. But your choice is absolute, as a reader I can only rant and "hate" you for all eternity.

Still a fan of yours though

[Tundy]

Why so little views? bump for this story!.

That jerk king got what he deserved a bit too late. poor Simon and Andrew. I loved the story even if the ending was short. maybe that's a good thing since it was so sad . i hope the next one is a bit happier. I'm just a big carebear when it comes to sad stories.

and lol F YO COUCH! Funny summary rarity.

[Rarity]

Originally Posted by Tundy

Why so little views? bump for this story!.

That jerk king got what he deserved a bit too late. poor Simon and Andrew. I loved the story even if the ending was short. maybe that's a good thing since it was so sad . i hope the next one is a bit happier. I'm just a big carebear when it comes to sad stories.

and lol F YO COUCH! Funny summary rarity.

There are little views because it's only been out for a day. The title isn't "sexy" either, so that keeps away the guys looking to fap. Lastly, he said the ending was going to be sad in the very first post, so it scared away the rest of the "big carebears". Though if they were looking for a nicely put together story with a justifiable sad end, they won't be disappointed.

But I agree with ya/the other people. As much as I wished the ending was happier, it doesn't negate the fact that it was a well done story - which is very hard to do. If the next one is sad, I'll totally have to make a mourning dress to wear specifically for reading Tekuno stories. Mostly because I like his writing style and ideas so that'll keep me coming back. huhuhuhuhuhuuuu

[tekuno]

Originally Posted by Rarity

But I agree with ya/the other people. As much as I wished the ending was happier, it doesn't negate the fact that it was a well done story - which is very hard to do. If the next one is sad, I'll totally have to make a mourning dress to wear specifically for reading Tekuno stories. Mostly because I like his writing style and ideas so that'll keep me coming back. huhuhuhuhuhuuuu

No actual sad endings planned at the moment, but two of the seven stories I'm planning are likely to be disturbing for other reasons. (One has what might be termed an amoral ending, rather than happy or sad, and the other...) And at least one of the others will be a sad story with a happy ending.

[Rarity]

Originally Posted by tekuno

No actual sad endings planned at the moment, but two of the seven stories I'm planning are likely to be disturbing for other reasons. (One has what might be termed an amoral ending, rather than happy or sad, and the other...) And at least one of the others will be a sad story with a happy ending.

This might not sound like it matters but:
JAPANESE!
4CHAN!
MMOS!
FANFICS!
ANIME!

By those powers combined, I am Captain Undisturbable! So as long as the ending is happy I am OK with all the disturbing bits. But I kind of draw the line at superduper torture (because it's uninteresting to me unless it serves a purpose) or incest (unless they're not related then it'll be OK). Twins getting it on is also kind of shaky. I mean, if they're identical twins then it's kind of like some weird Twilight Zone version of the guy playing with himself. Which is sometimes very funny to read.

[cutlerfan]

Tekuno, I would like to comment on the quality of your writing. The pace was good and the main characters were well-established and it had a solid plot. The plot did logically follow from one timeline of reality so I cannot claim you lost me or threw something in at the last moment. You established the king to be a total bastard in the first part and he did not suddenly become Mr. Nice Guy. The story was consistent and well-written. To be clear I enjoyed the story except the parts with the king. I thought I should clarify that although I did not enjoy parts of your story it was not due to any issues of quality just content. Thank you for posting stories and being open to the attack of the masses dying to tear your story apart. Tis truly a brave man who posts here.

[Rarity]

Originally Posted by cutlerfan

Thank you for posting stories and being open to the attack of the masses dying to tear your story apart. Tis truly a brave man who posts here.

Nobody tore his story apart in a negative or insulting way; or much at all considering the vast amount of content that spanned from part 1 to part 10. It's just:
Some folks asking questions for clarification
Me saying the the same "great but sad" thing in as many words as possible
Illegal immigrants taking our jurbs
Others expressing "great but sad" comment in as little words as possible
Saying "poor Simon/Andrew" in their own way
FUCK YO COUCH, KING

At this point I'm just posting to give free bumps to da top. huhuhuhuhu

Your point is still valid. Anyone who posts their story here is automatically considered "brave" in my book. After all, they help keep this section alive by keeping the story flow constant and they post what they want/their fantasies/their kinks/their ideal story even if it means some people might not like it. I have never seen someone outright dislike more than one part of a story, though. Which is a given in some cases.

[tekuno]

Originally Posted by cutlerfan

I thought I should clarify that although I did not enjoy parts of your story it was not due to any issues of quality just content. Thank you for posting stories and being open to the attack of the masses dying to tear your story apart. Tis truly a brave man who posts here.

Ha, don't worry about it. I'm not some teenaged prima donna who's going to start sobbing because of criticism, nor am I some kind of attention whore who has to be comforted by other people's approval at all times. (My actual personality flaws go much, much deeper than th? oh, er, sorry.) Even if you had been really obnoxious, it wouldn't stop me from continuing to post, or do so much as alter a word of what I was going to write, except maybe to make me put more explicit warnings at the top. Save the kid gloves and delicate diplomacy for people who will actually get in a huff... of whom this board, like all Internet forums, has its share.