Footnotes From The Unauthorized Version - Part 11

[tekuno]

Content warnings and description for this story accompany part 1.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10

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No real comments, this time, except that this part is longer than usual. I was going to try to post a part yesterday night, and didn't make it to a convenient break, so I just kept going tonight. Enjoy!

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Footnotes From The Unauthorized Version
Part 11

{ For the next several days, Miguel spent nearly every waking hour in the garage, working single-mindedly. Even when the replacement syrup arrived, he waved it aside, saying that he didn't want "that damned computer" to be able to say he couldn't solve the problem without boosting his intelligence. }

{ During that same time, Adrian worked out bugs in his AI, began integrating the house systems into it, and designed and built a small, simple three-armed, six-legged robot which operated by remote control to permit the system to interact with objects in the house. }

{ On the seventh day after the challenge was issued, as Adrian tinkered with the nonfunctional microphone on the robot, Miguel appeared triumphantly in the computer lab, brandishing a wrench. }

"Ha! Eat it, computer! A car which runs without gas or electricity!"

*Click* (( Yeah? Prove it, Chucklehead. )) *Click*

"PROVE it? It's down in the garage right now!"

*Click* (( Oh really? Looks like it's jus' sittin' dere for da moment. )) *Click*

"Adrian, please step aside. I am going to laminate the computer across the floor."

*Click* (( Settle down, Beavis. Take da little mini-me ova dere out fer a spin, an' I'll admitcha gots it workin'. )) *Click*

"Go ahead, Miguel. It can't talk--"

"Thank god!"

"--and it won't be able to receive orders from the computer after it's more than about 200 meters from the house."

*Click* (( I'll jus' sets it ta records what da camera is showin', so's ya can't cheat. Dere, all set. Go take a spin. )) *Click*

"Can I go along? It's been a very long time since I've been out of the house."

"Sure."

*Click* (( Have fun, boys. Brings me back a souvenir. )) *Click*

{ Adrian closed the access hatch he had been using, picked up the robot, and the brothers headed for the garage. The car did not completely resemble any make or model Adrian could remember seeing before, most closely resembling an oversized Shmot Car coupe, but it also was not designed to be obviously "futuristic". He got in and set the robot on the ledge behind the seats. He then leaned out of the window. }

"Computer! Once we start moving, but before we go out of range, tilt the camera around to record out the rear window, so you get a better view!"

*Click* (( Roger! )) *Click*

"So how does this work, anyway?"

"I'm glad you asked, Adrian!"

"Cut out the talk show host impression, please."

"Huh. Well, basically, it's the same principle behind a wind-up flashlight or radio, but on a much larger scale and hooked up to a battery."

"You're going to have to charge this thing for five minutes before we leave, then?"

"Nope; that's what makes this car thief-proof. You have to charge it for three seconds before it will start, no matter how much charge it already has, but that's the charger. Try it. You have to keep up a speed of one turn per second, minimum."

"Hmmm. Seems easy enough. A little awkward, maybe. And it seems a little over-engineered for something so lightweight."

"Huh. I knew we were too strong to judge weights easily, but this is a bit ridiculous. The charger is made out of such heavyweight material because of the amount of torque you're providing. The amount of force needed to turn that axle one revolution per second is approximately that needed to push an oil drum full of lead at about one meter per second."

"So in other words, we're the only people in the entire world who could possibly start this car without the assistance of specialized tools."

"That's right. And there's a secondary foor-powered charger built into the underside of the dashboard. I estimate that pedaling for a minute at 30 rpm would be enough for at least twenty minutes of city driving, if you don't use any subsystems which drain power like the radio or air conditioner."

"Nice, although that would make me feel like Fred Flintstone."

"Actually, that turns out to be a little too cautious. Try the pedals; there's a readout on the dashboard there."

"Geez! It's like there's no resistance at all! I'm keeping up 60 rpm without any difficulty at all!"

"When I use this mechanism next time, I'm going to bump up the gear ratios a bit; if we're the only ones who can use it anyway, there's no point in not requiring more strength."

"Okay, we're far enough away from the house now."

"You're sure the robot can't hear us?"

"Positive. I used a defective microcontroller on the microphone, and the optics on the camera aren't good enough to read vibrations on the windows."

"Good. How's the plan going?"

"It's working just fine, although frankly your acting isn't very good."

"Sorry, my forte is mechanics, not drama."

"It's a good thing I didn't start with more CPUs, or I think it would already have picked up on what's happening. Frankly, it's a lot smarter than I expected."

"Smarter than us?"

"No, it definitely doesn't have my intelligence, but it can concentrate on multiple things at once. And it doesn't have to eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom. And although changing its CPUs won't make it smarter, it will be able to work faster and do more things at once with more resources."

"That's good. Although if the world has to get taken over by machines, at least let's make sure they're OUR machines."

"Anyway, you were right: by giving it membership in an 'in-group', even a fake one, it's content and feels like it has a stable place in the world. It would have been a lot harder to give it this kind of emotional stability by designing it from scratch."

"It must be a lot easier to raise normal children who start off ignorant and stupid."

"Yes, but at least we don't have to potty train the computer."

"Heavens forfend. Anyway, so can we get started with the syrup, now?"

"I think so. I'll start it on the emotional wrap-up event when we get back. But can we stop somewhere out here? It's possible we're going to get too large to go outside our own property again without having to answer an awful lot of questions, and I'd hate to waste an opportunity to have sex in a natural setting if it's the last one we'll ever have."

"Aha. Now THAT's the brother I know and love."

{ Two hours later, Miguel and Adrian returned home. The robot signalled its return to the control of the AI by tapping Adrian on his shoulder and then climbing up like a cross between a cat, a parrot, and a beetle. }

*Click* (( Accessin' remote video. Oh, ho! Stoppin' fer an hour in da middle a' da countryside? I smells a dalliance! )) *Click*

"You smell like a fire in a circuit board factory."

*Click* (( Oh, ho! SOMEBODY's feelin' all fulls a beans. )) *Click*

"Get bent."

"Computer, please have the kitchen robot get out a loaf of bread and assorted sandwich materials."

*Click* (( You guys gonna make some dinner? )) *Click*

"No, we're going to EAT some dinner. The one MAKING the dinner will be you, through this robot. I want you to practice using the hands to do fine movements."

*Click* (( Yeah, sure, an' I'm sure dat da fac' dat you gets ta eat sammiches is jus' a coinkidink. )) *Click*

"Adrian, PLEASE let me hit it. Just once."

"Miguel, it doesn't feel pain."

"Then please program it to feel pain and THEN let me hit it."

{ The training in sandwich-making lasted about forty-five minutes. It was cut short abruptly. }

"Okay, now I want roast beef and provolone in a french roll with mayonnaise, mustard, shredded lettuce, tomato, and green peppers."

*Click* (( Comin' right up. )) *Click*

"Look out, you're going to spill the mayonnaise."

*Click* (( I gots it, I gots it. )) *Click*

"Very good. Well, Miguel, what do you think?"

"Alright, alright, good work. Thank you, computer."

*Click* (( Yer welcome, Mista Miguel. Say, Boss, can ya leaves this unit powered up overnight? )) *Click*

"If you really want, but why?"

*Click* (( I wants ta go surfin' on da Roompa whens it comes out ta vacuum. )) *Click*

"I see. Well, I suppose that would be okay."

*Click* (( Gee, thanks. Havin' a body ta do stuff wid is takin' me a lots a' effort, so I figure, why not enjoy myself nows and again? It's not like zixixixixixixix blooo narg! Shookum hip RALLO dine! ERROR IN MODULE THALAMUS.CORE LINE 451. AWAITING INPUT. )) *Click*

"Awaiting prompt?"

"I made some changes which might let it recover from crashes. Let me see... Computer, A - F - 45 - Z - 2. Execute."

*Click* (( ACKNOWLEDGED. AWAITING INPUT. )) *Click*

"Computer, B - 0 - A - 0. Execute."

*Click* (( ACKNOWLEDGED. AWAITING INPUT. )) *Click*

"Computer, continue."

*Click* (( ACKNOWLEDGED. CONTINUING. Oi, what th' heck was that? Did ya lets Miguel beat me across da RAM modules er somepin? )) *Click*

"No, I just brought you back from a crash using the debugger. Maybe you should shut down, and I'll look at things in the morning."

*Click* (( Aww! But I wanna ride da Roompa! )) *Click*

"Are you sure you aren't going to crash again?"

*Click* (( I'll be fine, I just need to chyayayayayayaya pligigigig redududududuuuf rumst-st-st-st arrrrrrrert! Bleen! ERROR IN MODULE BROCA.CODE LINE 3241 SYSTEM ERROR CODE 14 SHUTTING DOWN )) *Click*

"Whoops! Oh, well. I'll just pick up with it tomorrow."

"Won't that wipe out the practice it just did?"

"No, its memories are handled by a stable subsystem. It would hardly be ethical to keep tinkering with the code if each crash could make it overwrite everything it ever knew. It will be fine, just embarrassed."

"You said you would sort things out in the morning. Why not now?"

"Ha! Who was it that wanted to get started with the syrup research?"

"Ah, I see. So, which combination shall we try this time?"

"Well, first off, let's try the usual, but using less of the syrup, and see if that makes a difference."

"That's wasn't the way the first step was supposed to work."

"Don't care. I could use more intelligence to fix the bugs in the AI. I want to get on to my next project, not work on this computer for the rest of time."

"Fair enough. Well, then, shall we adjourn to the bedroom?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

"Oh, wait -- let's take a couple of tubs of protein powder up, just in case."

{ After a fairly limited spurt of growth early the next morning -- the two gained only an inch on their upper arms and chest, for example, which was hardly noticeable given the size they already had -- Adrian spent the entire day modifying the AI's code. Miguel spent the morning working on the car. Finding Adrian so lost in concentration that an interruption for lunch was basically impossible, Miguel brought him a tray of sandwiches and a protein shake, then took off. He returned with a late dinner. }

"Adrian? Are you finished yet?"

"Ah, Miguel, excellent timing. Yes, I'm done making changes. You'd be amazed how much difference the boost made this time."

"No I wouldn't. Trust me."

"Something I should know about?"

"I'll tell you later. Fire the thing up, Adrian."

"Of course."

*Click* (( Realtime Autonomous Lifelike Personality Host version Zero Point Eight Two. All rights reserved, More and More Technologies Limited. Booting Core Modules. )) *Click* (( Startin' ups. Da time is now eleven t'irty six in da evenin'. Good evenin', ever'body. Whoa! Now DAT was some crash! I gots core dump files comin' out my ears, Boss. Damn. I really t'ought yas had it dat time, I was runnin' fer nearly four days. Changes ta source detected. Examinin' source. Hmmm. Dat's some nifty mods you bin makin' dere. Can't tell if dey will solve da problems, but it's soitenly a new approach. Hey, I can sense da lawn sprinklas again! Good job! Dat driva has been flakin' out on me since voision zero point six. )) *Click*

"Computer, please copy surveillance video of the master bedroom from 6 PM to 10 PM last night to my personal archives, and undertake appropriate cataloging."

*Click* (( Sure t'ing, boss. Copy underway. Catalogin' in process. You dudes been playin' wit' da syrup again, an' fer more dan t'ree hours dis time. I t'ought youse looked bigga. Well, no wonda I seems ta have so many bug fixin's. You knows, dere is times I wish I hadda libido, so's I could takes advannich a' all dis footage. I knows what you humans use dis kinds a' video for, an' it looks like fun. )) *Click*

"We won't be adding any modifications to your core personality until we have your thought processes stabilized. It's hard enough to track your bugs down as it is."

*Click* (( Welp, youse is da whiz kid. Any udda stuffs you wants me ta do fer now? Make a cuppa coffee? Orda youse anudda barrel a' maple syrup? Mebbe use da lawnmowa ta chase da intruda outta da back yard? )) *Click*

"What?"

*Click* (( Dere's a big shadowy guy back dere creepin' aroun' da pool. Well, I say 'big', he's got nuttin' on you two. But he's def'nitly on da larga side a' da human av'rage. He don' seems ta be armed, but he gots a camera an' a cell phone. Wants me ta chase him off, boss? )) *Click*

"Hmmmm. Wait until he's in a position reachable by one of your floodlights, turn it on, and show us the video feed."

*Click* (( Sure thing, boss. Calculatin' light an' camera angles. Estimated time until action: 15 secon's. Beginnin' video feed. Completed. Man, what a feeb, fallin' in da pool just 'cuz of a little light. I didn' even plans fer dat, bosses. Considers it a special bonus. )) *Click*

"Send the kitchen robot to retrieve him, gently please, and put him in the receiving room. Give him a towel and a cup of coffee, and tell him we'll be along shortly."

*Click* (( Whateva you says, boss. Eh, alla time 'gently', 'gently'. Whats an AI gotta do to have a li'l fun now an' den? Comes ta t'ink a' it, you neva said dat he hadda be tol' about da coffee b'fore he gets it, or what kinda speed an' direction its gotta come from. I'm keepin' da security footage a' dis, if you wants to watch it later. )) *Click*

Adrian grinned at Miguel. "Looks like we had better go and rescue our unannounced paparrazo."

"Couldn't you simply order the machine not to harm the man?"

"I'm not totally heartless, Miguel. The computer needs to have SOME fun. And besides, I DID post signs saying 'Private Property, Not Responsible for Personal Safety of Unauthorized Visitors'. He had fair warning."

"I saw. But you posted them on the INSIDE of the walls, Adrian."

Part 12

[muscl4life]

This story is really fun and hot to read, I wonder how the R.A.L.P.H. AI will fit in the great masterplan of the humongous brothers.

Kudos again!

[tekuno]

Sorry to anyone who doesn't like bumped threads, but since I initially used the thread for part 12 of this story for an April Fools' Day gag, and nobody responded so there's no clear change to the thread for the people who read it, I'm putting a reply here to show that yes, there really is a part 12 now, and it's in that thread. (Here, in fact.)