Why do some muscle men lie?

[PlugNPlay76]

Hi guys,

Now here's a new topic for you all to chew that fat on so to speak. I recently have had a few experiences like this that upset me quite a bit.


I've met a few guys at gyms and online that seemed to be really cool at first, even sweet and possibly a love interest maybe, however, here's the problem that seems to be arising.


I'm talking to a huge muscle guy, he sounds great and everything, and seems like a great friend so far, and then I casually try to ask him out for a date maybe for which he actually seemed to be hinting toward himself. All of a sudden I get back "Dude, I'm straight." At first I seem dissappointed, but I really don't seem to mind at this point anyway since he seemed like a cool friend. Then, about 2 weeks later I catch the same guy at a gay bar/club making out with a blonder, skinnier, shorter, more twinkish boy in the backroom. At this point I am very upset. Not really at the fact that the same guy turned me down for someone, well, more like I described, but, more simply put, at the fact that he lied to me in the first place.

I mean, he could have just simply said that I'm not his type, and I would be fine with that, but to tell me that he's straight, when he's really not I think is very low and stupid.

Now I admit that I'm not my usual, semi-built, semi-skinny self these days especially since I put on a little weight over the past winter, but I'm working it off and slowly but surely getting back to normal again.

My question is why do some bodybuilders and muscle men lie like this?

Also, how many of you out there have experienced the same thing or something similar online or in real life?

I know that some profeessional bodybuilders are nutorious for lying like this, and it's understandable in public, but, in a private conversation?

What's your opinion and/or experience on this topic?

Thanks,
Plug.

P.S: Thanks guys for all your help , opinions, suggestions, and answers on my other thread, and keep them comming.

[CelticMuscle]

Perhaps you're being a little bit too forward?

Have you considered the option of going in stages, for example:

1: Gym partner
2: Social partner
3: Life partner

If you started off by saying that you'd like to train with him, and then slowly move on the other stages, you might get somewhere (says a person who is still single aged 30), but quite content with it as well!

[The Magus]

I'd try to not take it that personally. Some guys are just really bad at doling out rejection...maybe this guy decided to do what some girl friends of mine have done in the past, that is lie about his sexuality to let you down "easy".

Another possibility is that he might not be that sure about his own sexuality in the first place: I work for a gay personals company, and we have categories for "straight guys", which, when translated, means "guys who have sex with guys but still insist they're straight". For whatever reason, your guy might not identify as gay: he might be closeted (and just come out on weekends), or he might not have the same definition of "gay" as you do.

He probably wasn't trying to be hurtful.

If you end up being friends with him, you might want to ask him directly what he meant, but otherwise, I'd just let it drop and set my sights on someone more attainable and (hopefully) more honest.

[rp28nct]

I think Magus is closer to a reasonable answer. I talk to a lot of guys who are confused about their sexuality and questing after an answer. They may feel an attraction to muscular guys, but don't understand the attraction and assume that it is sexual in nature.

Speaking from my experiences, I used to be in a similar position where I began to consider that I was gay because I was sexually aroused by muscle. What was revealed to me by faith through questioning and seeking an answer is that I have a fetish for muscle size, particularly in growing my own body, that was cross-wired with sexual arousal from the fantasy of instantly becoming huge and muscular. These feelings were reinforced by the stories I read and the other media that I fed myself.

It's easier to say that the guy was confused rather than face the other option of rejection. Bottom line is that I wouldn't take it personally if I were you (but that's easy for me to say from the "cheap seats"). It's a distinct possibility that the guy is experimenting because he honestly doesn't know and isn't willing to admit that uncertainty to anyone.

Cheers,
Russ

[brent]

PugNPray, I think you shouldn't look at this one jerk as representing all muscle men. He was stupid, and missed his shot with you, so whatever for him. I'm the type of truth loving person that would have confronted him then and there at the bar, but I'm a bit psycho. I just don't think you should liik at himas representing all musclemen in the world.

[PlugNPlay76]

Hi again,

Thank you guys so far. Here's a little clearification on my story... First of all, I talk to these guys for awhile, and secondly, I was just using one for an example a of a few experiences of the same or similar.

By the way, thank you Brent, and I know not all muscle men are bad, it's just I've had a bit of a run of those kind that either lie to me the way I described, or other friends in the same way as well.


Thank you again guys and keep the comments comming,
Plug.

[Corwin]

First, as I'm sure we all know, muscular guys are no more apt to lie than any other people.

Second, the guy may not be lying, per se. He may really consider himself "straight". Straight, gay, bi, etc are labels that people adopt. It takes some amount of courage in our society to come out as "gay". This guy might not have done that. For some people, religious beliefs force them to lead a lie or to choose between spirituality and their honest sexual attractions. You really don't know what is going on with the guy you chatted with.

When you saw him making out with another guy, he might consider that an anomoly, and believes he likes women. One "straight" guy I know likes to have sex with "effeminate" men because they remind him of women (and the women he has dated have tended to be a bit "masculine"). This particular guy has real problems with adopting the label "gay".

Alcohol can reduce a person's inhibitions and allow them to act on things that they are uncomfortable with. You saw this guy in a bar. Maybe he was there, drank something, and decided to act in a way that he would otherwise be uncomfortable with doing. The next day he might blame the beer for making him gay.

I agree with the people that say you shouldn't take what this guy did personally. There might be any number of reasons why he said the things he said, and did the things he did.

Hope that helps,
Scott

[brent]

All men lie. It's time you got over it.


Seriously, there are MSMs in this world, "Straight" men that have sex with men, but only on the weekends. I don't understand it either.

[Corwin]

Originally Posted by brent

All men lie. It's time you got over it.

I have a friend who says, "all men are pigs -- that's why we like them"

[wbhunk]

I tend to buy into the "not good at rejection" theory in these types of situations....most guys like this aren't vindictive or out to hurt people, but they simply have not learned the effective way of saying, "No, I'm not interested....let's be friends instead".

It's made worse when the guy has troubles with what exactly he is...gay, bi, whatever....and doesn't really want to make out with you, but doesn't want to risk hurting your feelings, which would wreck his -- so he makes something up.

I think the sentiment's been nicely expressed, though....men are pigs, but there are a lot of them, and someday the right one will come along. Or, as my grandmother wisely put it, you must kiss lots of frogs to find a prince. <g>

[polomuscle]

why do they lie?
1) he doesn't want to hurt your feelings
2) he's an asshole and can't be nice about rejecting you
3) he's unsure of his masculinity and can't admit in the gym that he's a fag

[wpgym_nl]

hi;

I v met lots of big guys who said the same thing to me.. untill I met them in a gaybar or even in the backroom of a gaybar.
In my vieuw there is no real big bodybuilder who is nt more or less gay, that means: attracted to other guys' muscles; but labelling themselves as 'gay' is very difficult; it looks as if they loose some of their masculinity by calling themselves
gay.

my gym-hero EdvanAmsterdam, who got 13th place at the last Night of the Champions in New York, one week ago, told me over and over again that ALL competitors at most competitions are more or less gay.

He did nt stay in the special hotel that was arranged for the competitors, he preferred the house of a gay-couple that he knew already for a long time. (They were a great host he told me!)
He cant stand the still existing hypocrisy amongst pro-bodybuilders about sex, especially in the US; everyone knows that everyone is at least bisexual, and still..... no-one dares to come out for their feelings..
well maybe their sponsors forbid them.. their whole masculine image would get ruined.
I can understand.

But I have hope
The time will come that male huge muscles will be normally associated with men2men sex...... :-)

[ottomun6]

I'll second that motion about the different modes of closeted "straight" guys. As time goes by, I have noticed a different personality split between being out on the floor (out in public) and the semi-private areas. The out on the floor personality seems very homophobic. They make fag jokes to paint themselves as straight. There is an underlying pressure of the peer group may find out that they may have a touch of homosexual in them.
The result would be massive humiliation - When you think of it, the biggest insult of our whole society thrives on is to call a guy a fag. Look at how blood thirsty the news media is about outing people. I'm actually watching some grown men go through the twelve year old mentality level. They seem to thrive on paranoia and in a few cases has grown to be so high that mearly being in their field of vision makes them uncomfortable. It seems to be fed by gossip.

The other personality in one-on-one situations usually shows the majority of people to be reasonable and mature. They can handle a real conversation -maybe because no one else will be there the toss the homo match into the gossip pool?

Jeez, all these underlying rules and regulations. I wish there were some way for everyone to let their hair down and truly talk in the open.

[brent]

I've noticed that (at least around here) the straight guys spend almost no time in semiprivate. They will work-out, then quickly get their stuff form their locker, and leave without showering. If someone makes it to the wet area, I figure they're gay, or a foreigner.

[Bull]

If some guy asked me for a date at my gym, I'd probably say I was straight too. I can't be out at my gym for various reasons. If you had asked the guy if he wanted to go grab some lunch togethar, and asked him there what his sexuality was, you might have gotten a different answer. Personally, I would never dream of asking a guy out until I heard from his own lips that he was gay; it is just asking for an embarrasing situation.

As for all these "confused about his sexuality" arguements; please. The guy was in a gay bar making out with another guy; that doesn't happen by accident!

[wpgym_nl]

I have thought about my reply compared to that of others.
First: I respect anybodies reactions. No-one can judge others opinions; we all live in different situations. I am a European, and I live in Holland.
But consedering the situation of gays in Europe, we have in most european countries the same legal situation, more or less. it is even written down in the new European Constitution. the complete non-discrimination of gays, and the legal gay-rights compared to heterosexuals. gay-marriages are legal in more and more European countries, every year.

First.. I could nt believe this complete change of peoples reaciojs towards gays in whole Europe since 10 yrs, myself. As if I had thought that it would take many many many decades to go...untill we, gays would reach this stage op acceptance, tolerance and equality.

But I have learned the reason.. it was written in many newspapers and magazines all over Europe.:

Gay-people in Europe live in a complete different way from the situation in the VS.
We almost dont have the gay-gettos here, like in NY, SF and others great cities
Of course we have the so-called gay-captitals: Berlin, Paris, London, Amsterdam, Barcelona, and now Madrid too, and even in Rome the gay-community is growing.
But besides those 'gettoos' , the majority of gays in Europe live amongst there families, in the smallest towns and villages... so u can say: there is almost no family that does nt have a gay- member, outed by hem/herself because there was an understanding surrounding/ background; at work, in the family etc.

As I v told in other threads: it is NO paradise here, absolutely no!!, we have the same reaction from religious groups here as in the VS... but almost 75% of the whole european population is nt really religious anymore.. the pope is considered by millions as a silly, stupid old idiot.
And religion is - worldwide - THE great danger for the acceptance of gays.

I think.. this is one of the reasons that it is much easier to talk openly about being gay amongst bodybuilders in a gym here... (at least it is in my gym...)
But again.. here too we have still the same reaction that the fact that a bodybuilder ( the ultimate male/masculine appearance !) who comes out for his homosexuality, has a mountain to climb..
As do soccer-pros, .... there it is still almost impossible to come out for ones sexual feelings.. the imasculine imageof the sport as a whole,/ the interests of sponsors etc are still too great..
although on tv it is openly discussed who is gay and who is not.....


But as I v said.. my hope is great that the whole situation will change..!

wpgym