Training the little neighbor kid - from bullied to BULKED

[kenstaff]

..............

[arpeejay]

Oh, yah, continue!

xoxo

Richard

[rextorres]

Great plot, fun characters, nice theme. One suggestion, from a published author: I would rewrite it, in 3rd person, and with some dialog. I would also slow it down considerable and tell it like a story. The story races by. It reads is if it was being told by someone. Don't get me wrong: It's GOOD. It would have been even BETTER if it were written as a narrative. Kal goes to school and gets bullies. He walks home, and his neighbor sees him. His neighbor talks to him, and shows him his garage with his weights... Etc.

Anyway, this is just a suggestion. I loved the story and I would like to encourage you to post some more of your works! Thanks for sharing it!

[kenstaff]

..............

[tagsnola]

Bone inducing hawt!

[philat99]

I really enjoyed your premise. I agree with Rex concerning 3rd person with dialogue and slowing the rate considerably. That can easily be done with more detail, which brings me to my own suggestion. You might consider enhancing the effects of or even the acts of the bullying to create a greater attitude of sympathy, empathy, and desire for comeuppance. Then, give the neighbor a personality and help us "see" him as you want him to be seen. Is he bodybuilder size? If not, why not? He's got the equipment and the wonderfully effective elixirs. Has he used them on himself? To what effect?
I, too, would love to read chapter one rewritten to answer these questions. Keep up the writing - and don't let the seemingly endless need for editing and rewriting get you down. Editing and rewriting are the keys to success!!!
Mike

PS- Re: your comment about "wordiness." That only happens when the writer just tries to fill space. As you said, it easily leads to boredom on the reader's part. Your words need to be important to continually BETTER convey what you see in your mind's eye. Your words need to enhance the descriptions and the story as a whole. Go to it!

[2bored]

I think the first person perspective works fine. Who cares WHY or HOW the kid is bullied. If I want stories about bullying victims, I'll check out one of those boring documentaries on Logo. The pace here is nice too. Not every story needs to be some slow character piece.

I would, however, enjoy more description of the muscle and growth. Perhaps fastfoward to age 18, too.

WHOA Dude Fucking hot!!!!

8=================0

Def Creamed over this one, I love the how freakin huge and fast he got. I do wish you would have dragged it out more but it was still super hot! My cock and I can't wait for more

[funboy]

I agree on most observations. Mainly though - write in the form of person you feel comfortable. First or third is fine - just be consistent. Secondly - it is one thing to simply fill up space with unnecessary words - that is not good. But in the case of muscle growth stories, a great deal of the enjoyment on the part of the reader is the way the author describes the actual muscle growth scenes. It is in this aspect your story comes up deficient. I think you have the makings of a great story. Slow down on the muscle growth part and embellish it - give us your insight - make us see your vision using words. That is what will make this story one of the greats.

[timrain]

very very nice

[celtwolf]

Great story, but a little too rushed. Admitted, most guys here like to get to the muscle growth early on, but it's perfectly fine to be a tease and only show a little gain each time, or lots of events leading up to one HUGE gain.

Here, you have 18 months packed into 2 pages or so of text, you have a HUGE amount of growth over that time, and the mention of a special muscle elixir. we want to know MORE about these things.

There had to be some good sexual tension well before the moment at the end of your chapter, and I'm sure the boy's character should be developed more. as it is, the boy is essentially a doll that got blown up. he has little to no personality, and he's hard to identify with. same for the narrator. we know he's into muscles, and he's suddenly gone from using this kid to make a super hunk he can fantasize over, to being a shy, self-conscious guy who's getting pushed around by the kid.

I'm not saying it's a bad story, just that it could be better. take your time with it, split it into, i dunno, 3-month increments and have some character development. you'll get a lot more fans and readers that way.

[fudge_graham]

Wow. Loved the story man. Definitely continue it if you can!

[Aaron C]

Hell yeah! Wanna see how strong he is. Great story!

[TemptationIV]

was there ever a continuation with this story?

[kenstaff]

..............

[TemptationIV]

oh i hope so it's amazing!!

[tojfrd7931]

Just write how you see fit. You are the author of the story, do not listen to these negative nanny's who tell you have to write in this perspective or that. Its YOUR story.

Are You ever gonna post that much better extended version you sent me?? That one was just out of this world hott

[GTlifter]

Where did this go?

[mewletter]

I think someone censored them due to some "inappropriate underage related stuff" in his stories. Great, do we need nanny now?

[TheRiddler]

This story was pretty amazing.

[rixxflix]

where is the story? maybe you should put a link in this thread

[nnnrg]

Originally Posted by mewletter

I think someone censored them due to some "inappropriate underage related stuff" in his stories. Great, do we need nanny now?

Just a reminder: For his own reasons Flexodus, the owner and maintainer of this forum, declared that no stories with extremely underage children having sex would be allowed. This happened in or around 2011, around the same time he stated that explicitly gory splatter-snuff during sex was also not really appropriate for what he wanted to see on the forum he pays for.

I can't find the exact age he gave as the 'no explicit sex' boundary, but personally, I don't recommend writing any explicit "on-screen" sex for anyone under 18, because that's the de-facto age of consent in the most repressive states.

It's his site, he'd be hit by any legal penalties, and he sets the rules.

[GTlifter]

Understandable I was checking back through kenstaff's stuff and didn't realize that was the reason. Thank you

[LeatherGryphon]

Originally Posted by mewletter

I think someone censored them due to some "inappropriate underage related stuff" in his stories. Great, do we need nanny now?

Yes. Left without rules, people quickly would quickly revert to beasts. Rules are the price we pay for civilization and what separate us from the animals.

People who don't like the (relatively lax) rules here, can go somewhere else.

[mewletter]

Very well. I obey the rules. Can we at least close this thread and continue other interesting posts? I still hunger for more stories.

[Logan2009]

WHERE can i read his stories? anyone know??