Asking, "Why me?"

brent · #1 November 18th, 2004, 08:42 AM

Last night I found out that my best friend when I was a kind, Russell, died last week. We were best friends for over 10 years, and many people used to think we were brothers. Although we haven't spoken since 1988, I have always wondered what had happened to him. Now it's to late. So last night I had these feelings like, "It's creepy that someone my age is dead." "Why is he dead, but I'm still alive?" "Should I feel guilty that I'm still able to workout, yet he can't?" "Should I force myself to workout because he can't?" (like not squander the opportunity I have that he doesn't, etc.)
I've lost friends before, but never someone so close to my in age. The obituary gives no cause of death, and doesn't mention a partner or ex of any sort. In fact it raised a lot more questions than it answered. I just feel very odd today.
Thank you for reading my stream of consciousness.

Corwin · #2 November 18th, 2004, 10:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brent

Last night I found out that my best friend when I was a kind, Russell, died last week. We were best friends for over 10 years, and many people used to think we were brothers. Although we haven't spoken since 1988, I have always wondered what had happened to him. Now it's to late. So last night I had these feelings like, "It's creepy that someone my age is dead." "Why is he dead, but I'm still alive?" "Should I feel guilty that I'm still able to workout, yet he can't?" "Should I force myself to workout because he can't?" (like not squander the opportunity I have that he doesn't, etc.)
I've lost friends before, but never someone so close to my in age. The obituary gives no cause of death, and doesn't mention a partner or ex of any sort. In fact it raised a lot more questions than it answered. I just feel very odd today.
Thank you for reading my stream of consciousness.

Sorry about your friend.

When I was in high school, I used to drive to school. My father had died when I was 15, and my mother doesn't drive (still doesn't), so I inherited the car. Though I was not very popular in school, having a car did make me somewhat popular when the other kids needed transportation. This was especially true with a group of girls who preferred to drive to school rather than take the bus. It was kinda fun and I look back with fondness on those rides.

When I was 29, I got a phone call that one of my high school riders had died of a heart attack. I hadn't really kept in touch with her since high school, but my mother had heard of her death and told me. She had died in her sleep and, apparently, her family had a history of heart problems like this. I took some time off of work to go to the funeral home. When I explained to her family who I was, their stoic demeaner broke down and her parents began to cry.

It was odd learning someone my age had died so suddenly. I remember having feelings very similar to yours.

So take care and e-hugs to you.

Scott

Mdlftr · #3 November 18th, 2004, 10:57 AM

Brent,
Very sorry about your friend.

The first time you learn of someone your age who dies, it is always a shock.

The worst for me was when I learned about a former co-worker. We were all around 30. He left the company to go to a much bigger job. He got let go from the new job after a few months because he couldn't hack it. Because of, or maybe it was before this, he got into recreational drugs, and decided one night that he could fly off his 10th floor balcony. It was never clear whether it was an accident or suicide.

At the wake, there was an open casket. He looked great-good color, etc. "like he was sleeping". (All the injuries were to the back of the body) A bunch of us came from work and talked to the family. They were very grateful that we came and they appreciated it. We all felt awful for them and for him.

I still remember him, even though I didn't know him well. It reminds me that life is full of choices, and sometimes those choices don't end well. Since I believe in an afterlife, I choose to believe that he is at peace now.

I try to remember that things don't always make sense, that other people deal with things I have no conception of, and the best you can do sometimes is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and muddle on.

Sometimes all you can ask for is peace of mind,

Mdlftr

glammaman2000 · #4 November 18th, 2004, 03:47 PM

you know my story.i lost a small town's worth of people to AIDS;most of them my age.appreciate this;you got to know someone...that noone else will now get to know!& by all means,keep working out!bring him with you!i carry friends with me to all kinds of events i think they would enjoy.i'm their eyes&ears in this world!it's a comfort...

buffdoc · #5 November 18th, 2004, 08:20 PM

I recently have shared in a similar type of tragedy as Brent and it impacted me similarly. A very unexpected unsettling feeling. It was the first time that I intensely thought of my own mortality and the fragile beauty of life itself.

Notbigenuff · #6 November 18th, 2004, 08:47 PM

Brent,
Unfortunately, I also know what you are going through--it's happened that I have lost more than one friend from high school. And, also unfortunately, there isn't much that can be said to help you get past the feelings that you are now experiencing. The best thing to do in my opinion--as difficult as it may seem now--is to carry on with your life and savor every moment. We all take life for granted and forget how fragile our existence really is...take care.

wbhunk · #7 November 18th, 2004, 10:41 PM

Same, Brent....my sympathies on your loss.

I went through the loss of a dear friend when I was 18, and it was a very affecting experience....doubly repeated when I finally was honest about my sexual orientation and looked back on what we used to do together.

As part of the grieving and healing process, I actually wrote a story about it.....it's in the Stories section, and is titled, "Ghost". Not the most conventional way to deal with it, true...but somehow I feel like my friend is looking down and enjoying it.

brent · #8 November 19th, 2004, 01:13 AM

Thank you everyone for the nice comments. I'm not really sad: I haven't spoken to him for over 12 years (long story involving lots of family history.) One of my main thoughts is about his parents. Although they were far from perfect, he was an only child (like me) and it must be very hard on them. Also, I'll never get to know who he became as an adult. So I don't feel sad, I don't know how to feel. As for the workout, it was very therapeutic to workout, and take my mind off of my thoughts for a while.

Lucas88 · #9 November 19th, 2004, 06:03 PM

Brent,

A friend of mine who I don't see often enough sent me a birthday card a few years ago with a verse in it that really struck a cord in me. I don't remember the exact words but the meaning has always stayed clear in my mind and my heart. It was written with people who are apart in mind but it always comes back to me when someone passes or loved ones who have passed come to mind.

Another friend, not a best friend or a particularly close friend but one I always connected with when we were together, was killed in a plane crash about a year after I'd received that card. At the memorial service, listening to all the family and friends who were much closer to this guy than I was speak about the loss of this man and how much they would miss him, I was moved to pass on the message from that card to them.

To paraphrase:

When our paths cross with someone, whether it be for a liftetime, a year, a day, or a moment, our lives are changed forever. We each take a part of the other with us on our journey through life and, even though we're separated, that part of them stays with us always.

My friend Aaron was very much in that chapel that day in our hearts and our memories and I tried to remind them of that to help them get through their feelings of loss. It must have helped because people I didn't even know including some of his family came up to me and thanked me after the service.

I think about this verse a lot, especially at this time of year when those I've lost come to mind frequently. While your friend Russell was not in your life recently, if this verse is true and I believe it is, he is still a part of who you are today...confusion and a sense of strangeness at his loss are understandible, don't you think?

From your posts on this site, you come across as a very strong individual and I've no doubt you'll work through the strangeness. I thought I'd just give you another perspective that may or may not help you or anyone else who has suffered the loss of someone.

Take care,
Lucas

brent · #10 November 19th, 2004, 10:41 PM

Lucas, that was a great little thought. Thank you very much for it, I think it's very true. I feel thankful that this board has such great people on it.

Thank you again, Brent.

ottomun6 · #11 November 21st, 2004, 06:45 AM

Sorry to hear the bad news Brent. Is there any chance of contacting your friend's parents or other friends/neighbors that can give you some information about him?

brent · #12 November 21st, 2004, 10:36 AM

I don't really know what I'd say after 15 years of not talking to them. There is a LOT of family history that would make it weird.

On a totally unrelated note: I was injurred really bad at work last night. I was up on a ladder (about 7 feet up) and it collapsed from under me. As I fell, I hit my head on a metal shelving unit. I'm OK, but I'll be off work for 3 days, and off of the gym for 10.

ethernet_jock · #13 November 29th, 2004, 10:50 AM

Sorry I didn't catch onto this thread sooner but I've been out of state for the last week and 1/2....

Falling off of Ladders - I did the SAME thing about 2 years ago. I was standing near the top of an 8' aluminum ladder and wanted to move just a LITTLE and I thought I could grab onto a roof joist above me and lift up with my feet and then set down a few inches to the left. Instead the ladder literally FOLDED underneath me. Ouch. I no longer trust aluminum ladders with 200lb ratings (I weigh 250) - I much prefer the fiberglass kind.

Friends and Death - it's always a funky feeling no matter how long it's been. I lost a pretty good friend to "accidental" suicide with a gun about 2 years ago March and spent several MONTHS thinking "could I have been a better friend?" and "how could someone so young be so wasteful with life?".... anger, pain, confusion.... it's all part of the deal. Good luck... nothing is more confusing than someone dieing who is about your same age - it really makes you wake up and realize that you could die too.

brent · #14 November 29th, 2004, 09:39 PM

EJ, very good points. I was wondering where you were. I actually decided this morning that I'd send you a Private Message, but now I see there's no need.

I always thought that if i started to fall, I could do this, or that. However, when it happened for real, it was sudden, and all I could do was fall. I will now only use A-frame ladders made from fiberglass.

ethernet_jock · #15 November 30th, 2004, 06:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brent

However, when it happened for real, it was sudden, and all I could do was fall. I will now only use A-frame ladders made from fiberglass.

you can always tell someone who hasn't ever been in a *real* accident of any kind when they ask "why didn't you do this or that? When that happens to me I just hold on tight to blah blah blah and don't let this or that happen".... and you think to yourself .... yeah, right....

It's so odd, I can still see the shards of glass flying through the air in SUPER-slow motion in my memory from one of my wrecks where I was t-boned and the passenger window broke. It's literally a lot like it is in the movies..... unless you black out.... and then you don't remember CRAP.