Help coming out!!!

Hey guys! I have been a big fan of muscle and guys for a pretty long time, I just never realized it. I have a big problem though that has come my direction...

You see, my friend Brian just came out of the closet and our entire grade is cool with it. All of his friends are cool with it and all but that's not the problem. Well, here's the thing. I have been "okay" with keeping it a secret and all until he came out. Now I feel like I have to come out or else I am lying to myself. And then there is this girl in our grade that wants to date me and I am just too big of a softy to let her down. But if I date her, I will be lying to myself again. I am just overwhelmed with emotions and need guidance! If anyone has any ideas or could help PLEASE respond! Thank you!

Markus

[glammaman2000]

...OK.let it out.....You're in an enviable position.Somebody else already broke the ice,&everybody seems to be cool with it.(Although after YOU come out;&EVERY OTHER KID IN YOUR SCHOOL!;there may be a backlash)Seriously.If you trust your family situation;by all means be true to yourself.You're not doing the girl any favors by feigning interest.All straight women find gay men irresistable.What's their alternative?Just remember;being gay is not a career all by itself.It's just a part of who you are&will become.Make us proud.g.

[timberino]

i had no idea what to say but i showed a friend what you wrote... and although i could argue the topic has little to do with the site... here it goes:
kracktastik_insight : well....he is right it's not fair for him to go out with a gurl at this point and if people are ok with others being gay then he needs to be real with himself by allowing others to know about him because if he continues to act to others like he feels there is a problem with being gay by acting like it then others will think that there is something wrong with it....people that are gay make more of a fuss about it than others do about them being gay
kracktastik_insight : always come real or just dont come at all
kracktastik_insight : people run around trying to keep it real when they should be more worried about really keeping it
Hope this helps in the slightest... dont know what to tell ya.

[ethernet_jock]

yeah but... as glam hinted to.... don't get yourself kicked out of your house and living homeless on the streets because your parents can't handle it...

Better to stay in the closet until you're financially on your own feet if your parents are mega-phobes. It's sad, but it's real... you need that good start in life.

Good luck!

[joel24242]

I was actually in a similar situation, it was the last year of school when one of my best friends came out, everyone was really cool with it in our group, in fact the whole school was pretty cool with it. At that stage i still hadnt fully accepted myself as being gay let alone telling anyone else. When i finally did tell my friends much later it turned out they already new as the "friend" that had come saw me in a chat room one day and told everyone except me.
Anyway, i think i have a point, if your comfortable with it in yourself then you should let others know, but don't geel you need to rush into letting people know if your not ready. I know i was annoyed as hell when i came out to find everyone else already knew lol.

Thanks so much guys for all the great advice! I am glad I can talk to someone about it. Its good to get things out of your mind and out to others that can help. That's my theory. Thanks again!

Markus

[vlad]

I'm also of the school of thought to come out relatively quietly...when I did (actually it's an ongoing process) I did first only to a select few and I wanted to keep it relatively low key and quiet. coming out to parents is either a huge wonderful relief (like mine) or a huge disaster (like most of my gay friends). but once you do...it feels good in some unexplainable way.

[Corwin]

All,

As an out gay man, activist and someone who has been around the block, it is gratifying to see that times are changing. When I was in high school, coming out was not an option. I'm glad to see that times have changed and that for some, coming out for them is no big deal. However, there are still places in the United States wheter it is still not an option for young people to come out.

Exploring your sexuality is wonderful and exciting. For your parents it is often terrifying. Many parents have a dream for their children -- the child will grow up healthy, meet a wonderful person of the opposite sex, get married and then give them grandchildren that they can spoil. Only you can guess how your parents might react if you tell them you are gay/bisexual. I have known parents to disown their children, cut them off, throw them out of the house and worse. I have known parents who have disinvited their children to their own siblings wedding because "I don't want to see my son dancing with another man." I have known parents of one gay children break down in tears when they learn their other child is gay. And I have seen parents treat it as no big deal and celebrate their child's live when the child has come out. Anything is possible.

Before coming out, you might want to pick up a book: Now That You Know. Read it and if you decide to come out to your parents, give it to them to read. The book contains some good advice on how to tell your parents.

Another good resource is PFLAG , both for you and for your parents. PFLAG is an organization of parents, and they can offer both guidance for a young person coming out and support for parents who are shocked to have their dreams for their children shattered.

If you want to talk more, feel free to IM me.

[tman]

Great advice here. ALWAYS stay true to yourself, and come out when you are able to deal with the possible negative consequences. It can get rough. don't string the girl along if you have no interest - its hard to untangle from that and the prospect of a (false) normal life can be tempting in the face of anti-gay family and friends.

[pdxflex]

Lots of fantastic advice -- I think you would be wise to listen to it and decide what works for you. Personally, I have found PFLAG to a be a wonderful organization with wonderful people.

If you are worried about your family, I started with a cousin who I thought would be supportive and got her advice. Vlad's point worked for me to progress slowly -- I then moved to a couple of aunts and uncles (who also gave me good pearls of wisdom) and finally to my parents. I think most people know who will be supportive and who will not. If you don't have a lot of people around you who are supportive, it is critical to build those relationships first -- whether they are family or friends.

[Mdlftr]

I think that the above advice is good. Personally, I believe that adage,
"don't make a decision on something momentous unless you have to."

Point being, whether or not your friend comes out, you need to make your own decision for yourself. You're not your friend, and he's not living your life.

As for the girl, there are many ways to say, "Gee, thanks, but I only want you as a friend," without going into a decision as to whether or not you want to come out as gay. One girl you're not interested in does not a sexual orientation make, so no need to rush the issue.

Corwin's advice to read a few books and do some research is a good one. See also some of the comments on Arpeejay's website.

Mdlftr

[Corwin]

Originally Posted by Mdlftr

Corwin's advice to read a few books and do some research is a good one. See also some of the comments on Arpeejay's website.

Not sure what Richard has on his website, but I know he has a site for gay dads. The issue here is gay youth. As someone who is old (aka over 30 -- even over 40), there has been some large shifts in the way youth deal with issues of sexuality. Part of this is the way gay people are regarded in society and in the media.

When I was growing up, we didn't have Will and Grace, Queer as Folk or even very many positive depictions of gays and lesbians on TV. Shows like Marcus Welby portrayed gay characters as diseased and recommended therapy and medical treatments to "cure" them. Things were changing in the late 70s when an episode of Lou Grant dealt with a gay police officer -- the big controversy was whether the newspaper should out the cop in the article they were doing. They didn't. "Making Love", the movie starring Kate Jackson with Harry Hamlin and Michael Ontkean in a nice sex scene, was really the first (mostly) gay-positive tv event. It was considered shocking for 1982.

Looking at Marcus's profile, he wasn't even born until years after that.

It's not surprising that young people today are coming out in high school. Organizations like GLSEN support youth exploring their sexuality. Community centers, like the one in Pittsburgh, have youth groups with cousellors that help peers come together and talk about family, friends and the issues that are confronting them.

Yes, only the individual can decide for themselves. Many of us can give advise and point people toward books and organizations. We also have to remember to listen.

Scott

[NYDDog]

Hey Markus-

I can relate to where you're at and let me tell you that there is some good advice on this board but its ultimately something you need to do for yourself. Im 26, and after trying to "straighten" myself out, which is both destructive and wastes time, I learned to accept and even love myself which is the first step. I knew in HS, and since I was raised conservative catholic, it wasnt something I considered an option. So following various experiences, including the military and pushing myself into a traditionally "guy's" career, most which arent gay friendly, I knew that coming out was something I had to do in order to live a happy life. In this respect, youre ahead of the game.

That said, you are really young-I wouldnt stress too much right now. If you feel like it, go ahead but as some of these guys have said you should be prepared for negatives as well. I'd say its wise to be on your feet in case the family isnt cool. My mom, for example, says she is and tries but still cries because she actually believes Im going to hell....which i find funny for some odd reason. If thats the case, its for things other than my sex life lol. And point is, at 16 if my mom was upset and telling me this-Id be a little unnerved. Now, its a lot easier because I have my own ideas of what constitutes right and wrong, good life and bad. Be happy, work hard, be a good person, and treat other living things with the respect intended and you'll be ok.

As an aside, youll notice a gap between generations. Most of the older gay guys I know are surrounded by mainly gay friends and surrogate families as a result of the challenges our predecessors faced with acceptance. My issues were my own-ALL of my friends have been amazing to varying degrees. The guys I work with are cool as hell. And yeah there are a lot of jokes, so its all good. My siblings are great, and you'd be surprised how those who really know you might know already. I like to think of myself as a bit of a hard ass, lol, and my grandma used to say it was ok to not get married-who needs a woman when you can cook and clean and take care of yourself so well anyway. And God made dogs great friends. Looking back, my Grandma knew and it was her way of saying she still loved me bro. That said, in my daily life im out to those I can trust and am real with-sad to say but it can still hurt your career and choices as the stupid people seem to have banded together and wield a lot of power. Nuff said on politics. Just be smart about it is all. And dont fall into labels-there is a lot of that in the community too. You are who you want to be. Im a gay man, have a great friends, most of em straight aside from my rugby friends, who could easily whoop my straight metrosexual guy friends asses, and have fought for my country and protect people every day. Definitely my own person, and an anti-stereotype in much of what I do. Just trying to illustrate that nothing is what it seems and that you need to, and will, make your own life. Best part is after 26 years, my past doesnt own me. Very very freeing even if you hit those negative patches. You need some support now, and make sure you have it before you take the leap is all. Good luck little bro and if you need anything feel free to hit me up.

[Corwin]

Originally Posted by NYDDog

My mom, for example, says she is and tries but still cries because she actually believes Im going to hell....which i find funny for some odd reason.

GREAT POST!

For your Mom, I'd recommend the book Prayers for Bobby .

Peace,
Scott

[muscle_mastah]

Tons of great advice here. Don't be like me, still wishing I had made different choices hiding behind a lie. Do it as soon as you see your way to do so.

Hey guys! Thanks for all of the awesome replys. I am glad that I can talk to someone about this for once in my life. Well today, I told my mom that my friend is in fact gay and she seemed really cool and accepting. I asked her if she knew already or if she thought she knew and she said she told me that he was dropping a bunch of clues indicating that he was gay. She was cool and kept asking like oh so how is that going for him and good for him in coming out. This really made me feel more comfortable. She also told me specifically NOT to tell my dad about my friend, Brian. I asked why and she said he is a major homophobe and is completely freaked out by it. This really put up a red flag for me. I am still going to wait and see what happens over the next year or two and then I may tell her but now I know that I cannot go to him about it... Boy, I am sure glad that we talked...


Markus

[glammaman2000]

...for the same-sex parent.They think it's a reflection on THEM.(selfish bastards)Time passes slowly when you're young;faster when you get older.There's nothing wrong with attending to your romantic life after you're prepared to leave home.Concentrate now on a CAREER.I know it's hard to believe when you're nutso-horny;but you'll end up far ahead of your peers.Peace,baby.g.

[Corwin]

Originally Posted by MarkusAurelius

Hey guys! Thanks for all of the awesome replys. I am glad that I can talk to someone about this for once in my life. Well today, I told my mom that my friend is in fact gay and she seemed really cool and accepting. I asked her if she knew already or if she thought she knew and she said she told me that he was dropping a bunch of clues indicating that he was gay. She was cool and kept asking like oh so how is that going for him and good for him in coming out. This really made me feel more comfortable. She also told me specifically NOT to tell my dad about my friend, Brian. I asked why and she said he is a major homophobe and is completely freaked out by it. This really put up a red flag for me. I am still going to wait and see what happens over the next year or two and then I may tell her but now I know that I cannot go to him about it... Boy, I am sure glad that we talked...

There was a woman who attended the local PFLAG. She had a gay son and, after some time, was very accepting of him. One meeting, she came in crying. Her second son, whom she thought was straight, had just come out. Though she was accepting, it was still a shock and trauma for her.

I also recall some talk show based in New York. There was a woman who lived in Greenwich Village, had lots of gay friends and was very accepting. She had a son, and at some point he told her he was gay. She totally freaked out.

My point is that you mom's reaction about your friend is one thing. Her reaction about YOU might be something else. The same is true about your Dad.

I sent you a private message with a link to a GLBT youth group in your area. Maybe you and Brian can check it out. Straight kids go to these groups too to show support for their friends, and because it is a cool place to hang out. You could tell your Mom that you want to go to support your friend, and let her deal with your Dad (maybe tell him it is a social club of something).

One last story. We're in the middle of elections here, and in PA we elect judges. Before our local Stonewall endorsements, we hold a reception where about 100 candidates and members show up, drink and schmooze. One of the candidates for judge, an ex-marine, obviously had issues. He came to the reception, with his wife whom he asked to come (for protection?). You could tell he was obviously out of his comfort zone. Within 15 minutes, both he and his wife relaxed and had a really good time. What they found was an adult cocktail party like any other adult cocktail party. It was in a lovely house, and everyone was nice and friendly and normal. Whatever misconception this man had had evaporated. I assume your Dad doesn't know many gay people, and is "freaked out" by it because he has some stereotypes about what gay people are like and how they act. Perhaps, in time, you and your mom can help him understand that gay or straight, people are just people.

(in our next installment "How Connie Chung turned Scott gay..." )

[Mad Dog]

Frome one closeted guy to another, I understand. I still don't know how I can ever come up with the brass balls to tell my parents BOTH their children are gay.

[glammaman2000]

"I'm going to tell my mother I'm gay". "How long have you known you're gay?" "About 10yrs." "&how long did it take you to come to terms with that?" "About 4yrs." "&I suppose you expect her to come to terms with it this afternoon?"

[Corwin]

Quentin Crisp? Dude, you are OLD I bet you don't even know who Scissor Sisters are!

[Corwin]

From Charles Pierce as told by Bea Arthur at his funeral in 1999:

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn?t help noticing how handsome John?s roommate was. [laughter] She had long been suspicious of John?s sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more to John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom?s thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you that Mike and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mike came to John and said, "You know, ever since your mother came to dinner, I have been unable to find that beautiful, silver gravy ladle. You don?t suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I?ll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I?m not saying you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house and I?m not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John."

Several days later John received a letter from his mother which read "Dear Son, I?m not saying you 'do' sleep with Mike, and I am not saying you 'do not' sleep with Mike, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

[tman]

BUSTED!

LOL, that made me laugh. Sounds like something my mom would do.

[SithSpawn]

Originally Posted by Mad Dog

From one closeted guy to another, I understand. I still don't know how I can ever come up with the brass balls to tell my parents BOTH their children are gay.

You're not alone, I'm still in the closet even though I know my mum would be totally cool with it, I'm just not sure how to start telling her. "hey mum, guess what...." doesn't seem appropriate somehow. There's no way I'd tell my brother though.

There's only one person (besides you lot) who knows I'm gay but who knows, there may be a reason to let it out someday. To anyone else I'll just say, don't feel pressured into it, if you think the time is right let it out, if not then wait and do it right.

[arpeejay]

Originally Posted by Corwin

Quentin Crisp? Dude, you are OLD I bet you don't even know who Scissor Sisters are!

I met Quenti Crisp in Chicago for an ALA (American Library Association) GLBT function. (The GLBT Roundtable is lineal descendant of ALA's GLB Task Force, the world's oldest gay professional organization, formed in 1971...) He was a hoot!

xoxo

rpj

who never runs with Scissors, sisterly or otherwise

[arpeejay]

As Scott pointed out, my website is more oriented towards gay men coming out as married-with-kids adults but some of it stays the same regardless. It might give some of you younger fellas insight into what it was like for people coming of age in the '60s and 70s and earlier:

http://www.domani.net/richard

For that matter, I *still* routinely hear from gay men who are grappling with married-with-kids issues who are in their 20s and 30s. For those of us who are highly approval oriented (read "The Best Little Boy in the World") it sometimes seems almost unavoidable.

I think the bottomline, though, is this:

Just because someone else has come out doesn't mean you have to do so. Oftentimes it's someone else's coming out that *inspires* us to do so but there's no obligation attached to it. We all deal with it in our own time and in our own way.

It's my fervent hope that ALL gay people publicly acknowledge their sexual orientation because no matter what some folks say being not-straight is an important component of who we are.

xoxo

richard

[tyler_digug]

Well I have to say that this thread is possibly the best thing that I could have stumbled across. Thanks to you all, and being exhausted from holding this inside, I am happy to admit that I am gay. For anyone out there like me (quietly reading these, drooling over hard bodies, thinking about men most of the day, etc), I totally encourage you to make that leap because already I feel freer. You know why? Because this is a safe place to introduce yourself as a gay member of society. And after awhile, I'm sure that waving this label in front of myself will be so UNimportant that all the years of tumult will seem fairly trivial. But for now, I'M GAY AND WOOHOO!!
And BTW, at 5'8, 180 lbs and a former rugby player, I think I'm a fairly cute GAY man. I will be seeing you all on these threads as I settle into my new skin and add some muscle.
Thank you to all!

[tyler_digug]

I found Onix's writings very helpful simply because it was like the last 8 years compressed into my imagination! Check out Part 3 of Let's Get Physical and if you don't blow a load to it, you're a stronger man than me!

http://www.mcstories.com/Authors/ONIX.html