Jock of choice part 2

jockstud · #1 May 11th, 2005, 12:17 PM

.... Jared felt tingling surge through his body from his head to his toes. Then he blacked out. When he woke up he was on the floor of his bed room. He got up and looked in the full length mirror. His body was now muscular like a body builders. He noticed that the clothes in his closet were different. They were the kind a Bodybuilder would wear.

He rubbed his hands over his huge pecks and nice rock hard abs. He looked at his arms they were big guns. He looked in the strap where his respectable 6inch cock used to be and there was an 11 inch one. He felt his rock hard bubble but. Just then he noticed that his hole body had a nice even tan.

This was too much for him. Just a couple of minutes ago he was a flabby weak kid. Now he was big and strong like all the hot guys at the GYM he admired. He didn't know how this could have happened. Just then he remembered the box of jock straps. He read each lable and realized that which ever jock strap he put on he would get the kind of body that was printed on the lable.

He thought why not take this new body for a test drive he started thinking of the hot guy Carter he had a crush on. Just then there was a knock on the door. Jared opened it slowly, he was home alone. There stood Carter buck naked... TO BE Continued TELL ME WHAT U THINK

SithSpawn · #2 May 11th, 2005, 02:01 PM

Detail.

The story is going way too fast and there's very little detail to it at all. At the moment it bounces along from one scene to another giving very little time to think about what's going on. It's almost like reading a synopsis instead of the whole story.

Slow down, describe what's going on. There's no empathy at all with the characters because there's simply no time to get to know them.

Sorry to be harsh but you really need to take a deep breath and start again, you already have the plotline sorted out just embelish it a lot more and fill in the gaps.

Pagemaster_B · #3 May 11th, 2005, 10:58 PM

I have to agree with SithSpawn. This isn't a story at all. There are no characters whatsoever, nothing for readers to attach to. You don't have any physical description aside from some vague comments. Who is Jared? What does he look like? What does he like? What doesn't he like? Does he have a job? Does he go to school and which? Does he have friends and who are they? What about his family? Father, mother, brother, sister, step- and half-siblings? Where does he live? What kind of a neighborhood does he live in? Does he live in a shack, house, appartment, condo, mansion? Does he have a car? Or does he ride a bike everywhere? This is just the tip of the iceberg. The most important question that MUST be answered is: what is the character's driving force? What is his motivation to do what he does? This has NOT been answered! So far, all I see is an impatient need to get to the muscle and sex. Don't be in such a hurry to get off. Writing is like sex: you rush too quickly, the climax won't be satisfying; you take your time, play around, have some fun, and when the climax happens, it will knock your socks off. Some advice: Go read Lover_Boy's stories and Xyggurat's "The Roommate" and you will see some very well develop characters. It is the characters that drive the story, not the writer.

jockstud · #4 April 19th, 2007, 10:15 AM

..."Hey sexy" says a very buff naked Carter, "Can i come in or am i gonnuh have to cum all over your door" he said with a sexy sarcastic smile. Jared stammers to answer the man of his dreams "cccome in definately..ya" he says with a nervous smile. Jared opens the door steps aside and Carter walks in. As carter walks by Jared gets almost an instant boner as he see's Carters perfectly tanned ass.

"Well is that a pickle in ur Jock or are you just happy to see me?" Carter says with a smile as he lies on his back on Jareds bed. Jared stammers "ImIm very happy to see you" as he forces a sexy smirk. "Well then come over here and i'll make you REALLY happy to see me" Carter jestures for Jared to come sit on the bed.

Jared walks over cautiously with his raging hardon barely being held in by his Jock Strap. He lies down next to carter nervously. Carter smirks at Jared as he feels his way from Jareds perfectle shaved tan pecks down to the band of Jareds Jock Strap. Jared squirms and squirms with pleasure. Carter then slowly snakes his fingers then whole hand under the waist band of his Jock strap.....

([COLOR=red]To Be Continued[/COLOR][COLOR=white]) Feed Back would be appreciated!! [/COLOR]

Xyggurat · #5 April 19th, 2007, 02:28 PM

Writing a handful of sentences isn't the same as writing a story.

Give us at *least* a page of work, written all at once, before you ask for a critique. It makes things easier on everyone. Some of the responses to your request for feedback have been longer than what you've written.

As a general rule of thumb, things that seem way too easy usually are. If you're expecting to churn out a story in 5-10 minutes, you're in the wrong field! I know that Rowan usually takes an entire evening at the very least to turn out his wonderful chapters. I take about 4 hours for a chapter in commercial fantasy; 1-2 hours in muscle growth. Even then, my muscle growth fantasies feel rushed.

Just consider that as you write. And please, if you ask for feedback, consider the points of view of your readers.

-X-

funboy · #6 April 19th, 2007, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xyggurat

Writing a handful of sentences isn't the same as writing a story.

Give us at *least* a page of work, written all at once, before you ask for a critique. It makes things easier on everyone. Some of the responses to your request for feedback have been longer than what you've written.

As a general rule of thumb, things that seem way too easy usually are. If you're expecting to churn out a story in 5-10 minutes, you're in the wrong field! I know that Rowan usually takes an entire evening at the very least to turn out his wonderful chapters. I take about 4 hours for a chapter in commercial fantasy; 1-2 hours in muscle growth. Even then, my muscle growth fantasies feel rushed.

Just consider that as you write. And please, if you ask for feedback, consider the points of view of your readers.

-X-

I agree completely. The "story" has some great potential, but throwing 5-10 sentences together is not a story. It looks promising jockstud - but needs expansion and depth.

Ender · #7 April 23rd, 2007, 10:24 AM

If you are trying to write your story "Online" (ie while log into the the group) you are never going to write any thing noteworthy... bring up a copy of Word, WordPad or even Notepad... and work offline saving your work locally and comeback to it from time to time...

Then when you have a "real story" use the copy and paste function to move the text from your local file to the text block in the "post your story" menu...

Online is for chit-chat... offline is for thinking... and writing a story requires some serious thought.

Just a suggestion...

Ender

Mad Dog · #8 April 23rd, 2007, 10:39 AM

I may be in the minority on this, but I always write my stuff in the quick reply box at the bottom. :P

But yeah, my chapters generally take two or three hours.

Ender · #9 April 26th, 2007, 09:58 AM

With a decent word processor package you get things like spelling and grammer checker. And you can put what you have away and add to it over time... and go back a rework stuff to that is affected by events later in the story...

As Tolkien said in the preface to Lord of the Ring, "... the story grows in the telling..." and "... once completed needed to be rewritten in reverse..." to insure the all the details were consistant...

Ender