Preorder

[miniace2009]

Hey guys! First time story poster. I've had a LOT of ideas for stories in the past but a comment on Anglekindle's facebook page gave me the idea for a massive video game nerd. No explicit growth, but hopefully enough muscle to satisfy people. Funnily enough, I've written it from a perspective I've never written anything before! So if it seems clunky that is probably why.

I didn't have anybody proofread or anything. It's kind of short, but it's more of a one shot than anything. I'm toying with another idea for a series.

Constructive criticism is appreciated, but I beg of you if you don't have anything nice to say, please don't say it.
One thing I DO want help with is spacing. I'm not quite sure how it's supposed to work with a second person (I think thats what this is called) narrative. But it looks odd to me as it is.
Anyways, thats my way too long intro post. Here is "Preorder"

Preorder
by miniace2009

Hey, I'm here to pick up my pre-order of No More Heroes: Heroes Paradise? Sorry I'm so late, I just wanted to pick it up, I know you need to close now.
Thanks man for letting me in, I hope it's not too much of a bother. I totally lost track of time while I was working out. Get into the zone and 'woosh' time just seems to fly.
Yeah, No More Heroes: Heroes Paradise, here?s my member card.
Oh, yeah. I love quirky games like that, and the first game was sick.
Uh, dude, are you new here? It's just, I'm pretty sure you won't find the game in my arms. I know they are fucking huge, bust trust me man there is nothing but muscle in these guns. When I had my uh, buddy, measure them last week I had just broken the 25 inch mark. Just love to flex them in public and-oops. Shredded my sleeves a little bit. Oh well, might as well finish them off.
GRR. There we go, now you see, no games here. Ha, man your eyes are so big right now. What, never had anybody come into the store and rip their shirt cause they are so fucking huge? Haha. Well little guy I'm glad I was your first. I can see you got a healthy appreciation for mass. Now, about that game...
Oh good, you found it. Yeah man, this is the first game I'll be buying in weeks. Tight budget you know, paying for my gym and the supplements. But there's nothing I love better after a long hard workout than sitting down and relaxing in front of my TV. Just gets you away from it all, ya know? I hope I enjoy this one man, last game I bought was kind of a dud. Dragon Age 2 just wasn't as good as the first one, I tell ya. Though some of my friends started comparing me to Qunari, cause I'm getting so big and all. Hahaha!!
Oh, you like it when I laugh? Why's that?
You like the way my pecs bounce a bit in this shirt? Here, let me bounce em for real for ya.
I hope you give me a different disc than that, it's probably dirty from where you dropped it. I don't blame you though dude. Sometimes when I'm flexing in the mirror, and I bounce these massive slabs I get a little hypnotized too. Mm, yeah I fucking love flexing my chest.
I saw your hand twitch up little man. You wanna touch this 70 inch chest? Yeah, that?s right. 70 full hard inches.
You're closed remember? Nobody in the store but us. Come on, go ahead and feel it. You know you want to.
Oh yeah little man. You like those boulders on my body? Let me flex and see if you can make a dent.
You fucking can't can you? That?s okay little guy. I can only barely dent them myself with these arms, I'm not surprised a little guy like you has problems. But it's getting kind of warm in here. Let me take off my shirt if you don't mind.
From the way you are nodding your head, I'm guessing you want me to huh? Alright, I'll take it off slow for you.
Weren't expecting my eight pack were you? Yeah, not many people do. I just look so big, I can't possibly have a ripped stomach. You'd think the veins all over my arms and shoulders would be a clue, but I still get a little gasp every time people see me shirtless. Now go on and feel my chest again. Pinch that nipple right there.
Mmm yeah, boy. That feels good. For that you can kiss my arm. Go ahead, it's waiting for your love.
That's right little man, you like how that huge arm feels on your mouth? You can feel the strength pulsing through my veins in this arm, feel how fucking huge and massive I am. I can see from your pants that you are liking this attention huh? Let me feel that...
Heh, you weren't expecting me to squeeze were you? That's right puny, I could crush your dick with my hand easy. I'm not going to though, oh no. Why waste a cute young little thing like you?
Mm, thats right, lick pecs, suck on that nipple. Yes, good boy. You know, I used to look like you, back in high school. I was a skinny little weak kid who always got picked on because I would bring my gameboy to school simply because it was generally more entertaining than most of the other lunch time shenanigans. One day I got tired of being messed with so I talked my parents into buying a weight set. I took to it like a fish to water. I've been working out ever since, and I just keep getting bigger and bigger. This is 4 years of dedication to the temple that is my body. I've gone from a wimpy 5'11 kid to a 6'3 man, from 160 lbs of fat and bone to 250 lbs of pure muscle. My doctor was a little worried, but just decided eventually that starting to weightlift put my testosterone production into overdrive and I went through a sort of second puberty. That's right man, I'm only 24 I look older, it's probably the 5 o'clock shadow that I can never seem to get rid of. That and my fucking massive body.
Ooh man, lick my arms again little guy. Yeah, get in that pit. I'm all sweaty cause of that workout before this, and you're giving me a nice bath. Maybe if you're good enough I'll show you the other things that have grown since I started working out.
Mm, yes you know how to please a muscle man like me. I bet you just love worshiping muscle. Well congratulations, you just found your new god little guy. As a reward I'm going to show you how your god gets around.
I know you want to see that bulge but hold off boy. We'll get there soon enough. Draw your attention to...these.
I know little guy, they are bigger around than your waist. 34 inches and counting. Nice huh? I love the way I can sorta wiggle it about and then BAM hard as fucking steel. Why don't you give those a bath too.
Yesss man, feels so good licking those football calves eh? Yeah, why don't you trace a vein upwards from those.
Woah woah boy, not that high...yet. What's that? Oh you can't breathe cause my thighs are just cutting off your neck? Sorry little man, sometimes I forget how strong I am now. I didn?t even realize I was squeezing you at all. As an apology you can go a little higher. But not too high yet, ya hear? That's it boy, lick these massive pillars of strength.
Alright little guy, are you ready for what is the icing on the cake of my muscle god body?
Yes sir, that is an 8 inch soft dick, but no, those are not cantaloupe underneath it.. I had a respectable 6 inch hard dick when I started lifting but its grown with the rest of me. Why don't you clean that are a little bit. Mm boy, yes. You love my dick don't you? You love all of me don't you? You love how massive and strong I am, especially when compared to a pathetic puny weakling like yourself. Getting myself hard. With your help of course little guy
Yeah, that's it. Get all 11 inches hard. Keep at it boy. Heh, you know whenever my buddy comes over he calls it a moon goo nozzle. Admittedly you could probably cover a wall when I come. It just seems to never stop coming out.
Oh boy damn, you're good. Come up here, you get a kiss for that.
Ha, good boy. I love how you're jacking off my cock while sucking my nipple and feeling my arm. Here let me flex it for you.
Keep trying little man you're never going to be able to dent that arm. Now, lets get you back down to my cock.
Yes little guy, rub my massive chest. Oh fuck boy you are going to make me cum. Oh shit, don't put your finger-PUT YOUR FUCKING FINGER THERE. YES. Oh fuck I feel so good right now I just got to FLEX. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Oh, little man, you've got it dribbling down your chin a little. You couldn't swallow fast enough? That's okay boy, nobody can. Let's use my shirt to clean that up a bit.
Well, I had fun, but I really should be going. Can I pay for that game? Oh, and I'd also like to preorder Deus Ex: Human Revolution.

Oh, and when do you close next week so I can come pick it up?[/INDENT]

[GTlifter]

Yeah a little choppy had to make up some of the flow of the story. But it was good. The one person point of view was refreshing and all I can said is practice makes perfect. You put yourself out there and I liked it

[arpeejay]

Very nice, very hot!

One quibble: With a 70 inch chest and 25 inch arms, a 6'3 guy would need to be at least 300 lbs., probably closer to 350 (in which case his arms might be more like 27-28 inches...) For future reference! :-)

xoxo

Richard

[anglekindle]

gee I inspired something.

[miniace2009]

P

Originally Posted by arpeejay

Very nice, very hot!

One quibble: With a 70 inch chest and 25 inch arms, a 6'3 guy would need to be at least 300 lbs., probably closer to 350 (in which case his arms might be more like 27-28 inches...) For future reference! :-)

xoxo

Richard

I knew I'd fuck up the measurements. Oh well lol. For next time haha

[miniace2009]

Originally Posted by anglekindle

gee I inspired something.

I know its not the greatest but I hope you liked it a little bit :P

[Rarity]

I hate to be critical, but I'd hope people would be critical with stories I made so I could better myself. . . Though I don't think they have. I'm no pro, but I think I can type pretty decently. :<

Anyway, your story is nice, but you need to do a little "research" before doing measurements. It's best to just look for bodybuilders and use their stats/weight, or use a bodybuilder as something to base your character's stats off of (like just go a bit higher for every measurement and the weight limit to make it more realistic).

Next is the flow of the story, ALL things a character says out loud should be in between quotes. Thoughts, if there are any, could be easier to follow if they're out of quotes. They can also be italicized if you want.

EX:
No, I said. This is a bad idea. I couldn't believe we just used this stuff. Well come on! What could go wrong? Rick asked with a charming smile. I still didn't get how he got this strange growth substance, let alone how it worked. I was scared for the both of us, to say the least.

^ That looks better/easier to read when it looks like this V

"No," I said. "This is a bad idea". I couldn't believe we just used this stuff.

"Well come on! What could go wrong?"Rick asked with a charming smile. I still don't get how he got this strange growth substance, let alone how it worked. I was scared for both of us, to say the least.

[miniace2009]

Originally Posted by Click_Flash

I hate to be critical, but I'd hope people would be critical with stories I made so I could better myself. . . Though I don't think they have. I'm no pro, but I think I can type pretty decently. :<

Anyway, your story is nice, but you need to do a little "research" before doing measurements. It's best to just look for bodybuilders and use their stats/weight, or use a bodybuilder as something to base your character's stats off of (like just go a bit higher for every measurement and the weight limit to make it more realistic).

Next is the flow of the story, ALL things a character says out loud should be in between quotes. Thoughts, if there are any, could be easier to follow if they're out of quotes. They can also be italicized if you want.

EX:
No, I said. This is a bad idea. I couldn't believe we just used this stuff. Well come on! What could go wrong? Rick asked with a charming smile. I still didn't get how he got this strange growth substance, let alone how it worked. I was scared for the both of us, to say the least.

^ That looks better/easier to read when it looks like this V

"No," I said. "This is a bad idea". I couldn't believe we just used this stuff.

"Well come on! What could go wrong?"Rick asked with a charming smile. I still don't get how he got this strange growth substance, let alone how it worked. I was scared for both of us, to say the least.

Yeah, the measurements are back I think ill rely on simile next time haha. However, in regqrds to the second part, I understand the use of spacing and quotation marks in a third person perspective but this whole story is one big basically "monologue" and therefore the same rules don't seem to apply because there is only one character who is describing what happens as he is talking in relation to him. There is no seperation from the reader and the story so no he said or they did and such. Ive never really written anything like it, so it was kind of an experiment for myself and probably not the best thing to post first haha. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the rules must be different because I don't really see how those rules apply.

[Rarity]

Originally Posted by miniace2009

Yeah, the measurements are back I think ill rely on simile next time haha. However, in regqrds to the second part, I understand the use of spacing and quotation marks in a third person perspective but this whole story is one big basically "monologue" and therefore the same rules don't seem to apply because there is only one character who is describing what happens as he is talking in relation to him. There is no seperation from the reader and the story so no he said or they did and such. Ive never really written anything like it, so it was kind of an experiment for myself and probably not the best thing to post first haha. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the rules must be different because I don't really see how those rules apply.

I see, so it's like Tears of a Tiger from Sharon M Draper. I didn't pick up on that at first, and thought it was strange until you mentioned it... lol

The only problem with monologues is character development. Yes, you can have character development, but it's often hard to tell which character is developing! It's also hard to tell what's going on right away. If you had space, like you said you need work on, it'd be easier to follow. . . Or, dare I say it, use a simple "name: things they say" would also make it easier to follow. It is very hard to space out a monologue, so perhaps just switching to another view could make it easier - though it wouldn't be considered a monologue.

It's tricky business. But like riding a bike, you can do it perfectly once you get it down.

[arpeejay]

It took me about 4-5 lines to realize it was a monologue, then it SNAPPED into place. The only problem for me was lack of a blank line between the component pieces (and that's mostly because I'm middle-aged and tight text is hard to read.) On the other hand, you very agreeably started each new component at the beginning of line instead of running all of it together; it's when it ALL runs together (and there have been a few like that on this site) that I just give up!

Again, VERY good job and I look forward to more, more, more!

xoxo

Richard

[vlad]

Loved that last line about wanting to preorder a game. Even after all that, Gamestop employees don't forget to ask for those preorders! =P

[miniace2009]

Originally Posted by vlad

Loved that last line about wanting to preorder a game. Even after all that, Gamestop employees don't forget to ask for those preorders! =P

I'm pretty sure they are wired to do it. I work in retail and I have to catch myself every time I greet somebody from asking for their Rewards number. :P