About gayness, straightness and Jesus

[ayakitayama]

Ok guys, there is all this talk going on about "if muscle turns you on then you're gay and you have to embrace your god-given gay sexuality". I just thought i would share my experience with you. Excuse me for my poor english : it is not my native language.

From my youngest i have always been turned on by muscular guys and had been dreaming about a transformation that would turn me into a huge muscle stud.

At first i did not know what it meant, i just pleasured myself while watchnig the pics of bodybuilders in the magazines. Of course i did it on secret. I was a very secret child, having been molested by my elder, i trusted no one, confided the heart of my heart in no-one.

I remember when i made the connection : "faggot" i was called that a lot, being very feminine, but for a long time it didn't mean very much to me, it was like being called an asshole.
One night i wondered : what does it really mean? Loving other men that is? isn't that what i am?

I remember laughing at that thought and putting it away : no way, what was i thinking?

But as time passed i realized that I WAS gay, that men turned me on and women didn't. The consequences were not pleasant ones. Never being able to have a family. Never being able to be considered as anything else than that : a faggot. Being the cruelest cut in the heart of my mother, whom i loved so much, if she learned it. Being rejected by my father, a brutal homophobe, if he learned it.
I hated myself for that. I hated god for doing that to me.

I hide it, as i hide so well so many things about me, keeping my lust for muscles secret. I tried to have sex with a girl, and that was a disaster. People wondered why that young man, so handsome, nice and clever, was always single. So much of them must have suspected... So much of them delicately remained silent about it, thank god for it... and so much of them threw at my face the truth they had guessed, and told me words that made me want to kill myself.

That was it : i expected nothing out of life except pain. I just waited till the moment i would have had enough of life to commit suicide.

Then one night as i was doing nothing special, i felt a PRESENCE, a presence so powerful that it first terrified me. And then i realized that this presence was LOVE, the love of a mother, the love of a brother, the love i had sought all my life, without being able to put a name on it. It came to me and flooded my soul.

To make a long story short : i had a conversion and became a christian.
My life was changed forever the moment i understood that love is not only a feeling but is also the force that shapes the universe. Love is what calls us into existence and love is what we are all called to. Love is not a feeling, love is a person, love is god.

It changed everything, it changed my life. I understood that god never intended my being homosexual. I understood that god wanted me to be a real man, responsible, caring, and that i be fertile.

I understood that my desire for the muscles was in fact a desire to rejoin and fuse with a lost part of myself. This desire was the desire of my own masculinity which i had lost of because of what i had gone through when i was only a child...

The road to healing is long and i stumble often (hence my presence on this site), but Jesus is there, and with his kindness, with his patience, he helps me up, and he never tires. And i move on : now i have a fiancee, i love her, we have sex (great sex), and my world is much wider and brighter than it once was.

I want to tell you people : Jesus has a very particular love for those of us who have homosexual impulsions. As when he was one of us, the first people he seeks out are the poor, the hurted, the rejected. This is His way of loving, His justice : taking care of the misery before anything else.

For all of those who thought there was no help out there : THERE IS.

I warmly advise as a first step to read that book.

God bless you all.

[onelocolobo]

I haven't read the thread that Deetrakt mentioned but thought I should respond here anyway. Hope I'm not being redundant.

I just wanted to let anyone who reads this thread know that the word homosexual was not invented until about 100 years ago so what does the Bible really say about homosexuals then? The Bible that we read today has been extremely influenced by modern language and perspectives. I, being a Christian myself, would not say that doesn't mean the Bible is not worth reading. You just have to be objective. But the obvious message of the Bible is that God loves everyone, that no one is free from sin other than Jesus (not that I consider homosexuality a sin) and that we can never do something so terrible that God would NOT love us.

God bless you all!

__________________________________________________ _
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. ~Lynn Lavner

[TheMasu]

sigh... ::yawn::

[dallasmsl]

I was going to start out with something smartaleky (sp) like "God does love you...but who is this Jesus guy?" but I know the original writer was serious in his attempt to prostilitize the group to Christianity and straightness. Oh, how I loved being stationed in Turkey while I was in the military where it was literally against the law to try to convert people to your religion, be it christianity or muslim or anything else. It was a freeing experience; free from crazy nutjobs always telliing you how bad you are because THEY are confused.

Anyway, I do believe in God and I do believe that God made everything including me. I gave up questioning "Why" a long time ago and accepted myself for what I am and became a bodybuilder to try to improve myself. There is a saying that no one can love you until you first love yourself ...and it is so true. Learning to accept yourself is the first step in that progress and if you believe that people won't love you until you love Jesus, you're still denying yourself....the self that God made.

I had a friend who was also confused about God, Religion, and his own shortcommings. He, however, was straight. He was a great guy when I knew him and he was a close and dear friend. I joined the military and he moved to Arkansas from California (land of the sinners!) "found God", got married to the girl who converted him,....and then committed suicide. Religion can really fuck with your brain if you aren't prepared to handle it and keep it where it needs to be.

[glammaman2000]

...&important discussion.Please move it to"off-topic".