One Push Too Many: Chapter 2

[redkage]

The next chapter in the story I'm writing. Please tell me of how you guys think of this one before I get to writing the next chapter

One Push Too Many

Chapter 2

"Come on, just a few more!" Charles yelled down at Darren, who was struggling to push a barbell back up. All the while people were looking and snickering as the puny sophmore tried to do bench presses. Finally, Darren pushed the bar back onto the rack.
"Good work." Ferris said encouragingly. "Let?s hit the showers now and call it a day." Darren nodded his head, gasping for air.

In the showers, Darren and Charles stripped down. While they were showering, they didn?t notice someone walking up behind them until?.

SMACK!!! Someone whipped Darren in the rear with a wet towel. Darren gave a yelp and jumped. His foot landed in a pool of soap suds and water, causing him to slip and fall down, right on his ass.

"Scrawny ass wimps like you don?t belong in our gym." The speaker was Cain, the biggest bodybuilder in the gym. He was about five foot eleven, 290 pounds of muscle and had wavy blonde hair that hung to his shoulders. His chest stood out several inches above his cobblestone abs, and his biceps had veins streated across their massive peaks. Cain had already won several local bodybuilding contests, and was probably going to win even more.

"I have every right to be here!" Darren yelled as he pushed himself up. "It?s a free country, so I?m free to join a gym if I want to!"

"Yeah, but you see, in this gym, I rule." Cain said. "And my first law is wimps. Are. Not. Allowed." With each word after ?wimps? Cain pushed Darren until he was pressed against the wall.

"Cain, he?s just-" Charles began but was cut short when Cain looked at him.

"Are you talking back?" Cain asked, his tone suggested it was more of a threat then a question.

"N-no. Forget I s-said anything." If there was one person Charles was scared of, it was Cain. The last time someone talked back at Cain ended up in the hospital the day after.

"Good." Cain said smugly. Then he turned his attention back at Darren. "Now, what to do with the runt here?" At first there was a long silent moment, but then a malicious grin spread across his face. With one quick motion he picked up Darren and headed straight for the toilets.

"Charles!" Darren cried out, but Charles just shut his eyes and looked away. However, it didn?t shut the noise from his ears as Darren?s cry for help sounded throughout the room.

"I?m sorry." Darren muttered, and left.

[Lover_Boy]

[color=red]I understand the need for a cliff hanger, but DAYUM!!!!! Poor Darren! I can't really put my finger on it, but this ending makes me uneasy. [/color]
[color=red][/color]
[color=red] Oh, wait, it just hit me. It's because I thought Charles was going to be the big, hulking hero and kick the ass of anyone that might screw with his roommate. Oh well, blame it on my overly optimistic outlook in my own stories.[/color]
[color=#ff0000][/color]
[color=#ff0000]Either way, good job.[/color]
[color=#ff0000][/color]
[color=#ff0000]- L_B[/color]

[Hoosier Daddy]

Originally Posted by redkage

... Please tell me of how you guys think of this one before I get to writing the next chapter.

Write the story you want to write and don't be overly concerned with the opinions of others. The only thing that I ask of you is to complete your stories. In any case, you have an interesting twist with the way you seem to be taking Charles. You have an antagonist that's just plain nasty (I like that) and a protagonist that has just started on his way to empowering himself. Once you get rolling, I'll bet the characters will keep things interesting. I'm interested in how you bring in the muscle growth element to your story and of course how it will affect the characters and effect the plot.

[nolanspice]

This is going very well. I like the set up and the promise of dramatic tension. The only thing (and it's minor), is to keep the characters straight. "Ferris" keeps cropping up when I know he's supposed to be "Darren." Also, at the end, I think it was Charles who says "I'm sorry" after ignoring Darren/Ferris' cries. Not sure. Just asking.

-j!-