My Real Journey Begins

[muscle_mastah]

I've finally taken a major step towards being "out". A lot has happened since last Feb when I finally outed myself to some very extremely close but too far away friends who were gay. Finally my wife of 15 years now also knows. I don't know what our next steps will be or how we'll deal with it. Right now, we're going through the pain of rejection, betrayal, confusion and breakdown of our marriage.

So my journey begins.

[glammaman2000]

"Well,good luck with that!"Seriously;my sincerest hopes for a positive outcome go to you AND your wife.I'm sure it's a difficult time for both of you.I'm sure you love her more than any other woman in the world.&you were just doing what society wanted you to do.The"marriage cure"rarely works.&this properly belongs in"off-topic".g.

[arpeejay]

Good luck with your changes. Please keep in mind that you're far, far from the only guy who has been through this -- and there are plenty of us out here to offer an ear or a shoulder.

I don't know if you have kids but if you do you might want to check out my gaydads website, which is one of the 2-3 oldest on the web (if not the very oldest.) Even if you don't have kids, I think you'll find it offers a few insights for gay men coming out of marriage. The URL is:

http://www.domani.net/richard/gaydads.html

Feel free to write me directly: [email protected]

All the best...

Richard Jasper
E. Amherst, NY

[muscle_mastah]

Originally Posted by glammaman2000

"Well,good luck with that!"Seriously;my sincerest hopes for a positive outcome go to you AND your wife.I'm sure it's a difficult time for both of you.I'm sure you love her more than any other woman in the world.&you were just doing what society wanted you to do.The"marriage cure"rarely works.&this properly belongs in"off-topic".g.

Thanks gm. I'm convinced once we journey through this there will be a life that is better for both of us. A life that is our own and that we've defined that is right for ourselves and our child.

p.s. I'm surprised that the mods haven't moved it yet. Slackers.

[muscle_mastah]

Originally Posted by arpeejay

Good luck with your changes. Please keep in mind that you're far, far from the only guy who has been through this -- and there are plenty of us out here to offer an ear or a shoulder.

I don't know if you have kids but if you do you might want to check out my gaydads website, which is one of the 2-3 oldest on the web (if not the very oldest.) Even if you don't have kids, I think you'll find it offers a few insights for gay men coming out of marriage. The URL is:

http://www.domani.net/richard/gaydads.html

Feel free to write me directly: [email protected]

All the best...

Richard Jasper
E. Amherst, NY

Thanks richard. The link comes in handy since some of the books listed, I could definitely use at the moment. Thanks also for the support. I do know I'm not the first and there's lots of support however alone I currently feel. At the moment I'm more concerned with getting my wife some support as she deals with the perceived rejection.

[glammaman2000]

...you've got to convince her that SHE'S not the one who"turned"you gay.&that a man with only the most vestigial interest in females thought she was the best.You've GOT to stay friends for the sake of your child.How old is it?If it's fairly young(10-ish?)it'll probably deal with the situation better than the parents.Set her up on dates;if you can.You'll probably get a lot better advice from the other members.THIS ONE BIG CHANGE IS NOT GOING TO MAKE THINGS EASIER;right away.Just more honest.But that's a big load off,right there.

[brent]

Good luck, honestly. No matter how messy, and awful things seem right now, they will be great in a year or so. Just keep the end in mind. See how you want it to be, and go for it, like keeping you wife as a friend, etc. Remember we support you, and will listen to you vent when needed.

[Mdlftr]

Muscle Mastah,
I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling now, and for the pending separation from your wife. How awful! A 15 year marriage is something that one does not end lightly, and, as someone married happily for 15 years, I have some sense of the history one builds during that time. I have two long time, good friends who acknowledged that they were gay during their 40s. One of them had been married in a religious ceremony, and even went to the point of getting a church annulment after the civil divorce. I don't pretend to know what goes through people's minds and hearts, but you have my sympathy and support for the pain and confusion you and your wife and child must be feeling. Although some might try to make you feel like a stereotype, your personal and shared pain is very real and unique to you. Don't let anyone talk you into denying your valid feelings, and please resist the urge to pay attention to those idiots with an agenda who tell you, "Oh you're gonna feel this way or that way. "

You are not alone. If you can't find someone to talk to about this informally, I heartily recommend professional counseling. I've used it, and it is invaluable in helping to set priorities and sort things out.

Best wishes to you for guidance and support during this difficult time.


Mdlftr

[muscle_mastah]

Originally Posted by glammaman2000

...you've got to convince her that SHE'S not the one who"turned"you gay.&that a man with only the most vestigial interest in females thought she was the best.You've GOT to stay friends for the sake of your child.How old is it?If it's fairly young(10-ish?)it'll probably deal with the situation better than the parents.Set her up on dates;if you can.You'll probably get a lot better advice from the other members.THIS ONE BIG CHANGE IS NOT GOING TO MAKE THINGS EASIER;right away.Just more honest.But that's a big load off,right there.

Although I think that went through her mind over the first few days, she is of the belief that it's not a choice one makes if your gay or not. She has always been supportive of the gays, just never had to test how supportive.

As for our daughter, she's close to 12 and doesn't know yet. She will be told when it's time for her to know. I'm sure she will be able to handle it in the long run but we don't feel it's necessary until we know what were doing and can explain it to her.

Being honest is what's necessary at the moment and you're right, it is a relif.

[muscle_mastah]

Originally Posted by brent

Good luck, honestly. No matter how messy, and awful things seem right now, they will be great in a year or so. Just keep the end in mind. See how you want it to be, and go for it, like keeping you wife as a friend, etc. Remember we support you, and will listen to you vent when needed.

Thanks brent. I do have a few internet buds who I vent to on a daily basis and understand the situation. I know I can count on them to help me through this the best they can. Keeping my wife as a friend and being a part of my child's life is most assuredly in the plan right now. As for me, who knows, I might find someone who wants to spend some ... mmmm ... time with me.

[muscle_mastah]

Originally Posted by Mdlftr

Muscle Mastah,
I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling now, and for the pending separation from your wife. How awful! A 15 year marriage is something that one does not end lightly, and, as someone married happily for 15 years, I have some sense of the history one builds during that time. I have two long time, good friends who acknowledged that they were gay during their 40s. One of them had been married in a religious ceremony, and even went to the point of getting a church annulment after the civil divorce. I don't pretend to know what goes through people's minds and hearts, but you have my sympathy and support for the pain and confusion you and your wife and child must be feeling. Although some might try to make you feel like a stereotype, your personal and shared pain is very real and unique to you. Don't let anyone talk you into denying your valid feelings, and please resist the urge to pay attention to those idiots with an agenda who tell you, "Oh you're gonna feel this way or that way. "

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm sure I'll run into all types once we let the knowledge go beyond ourselves. That will be something I'll have to deal with considering not wanting to deal with is one reason I've been in the closet.

Originally Posted by Mdlftr

You are not alone. If you can't find someone to talk to about this informally, I heartily recommend professional counseling. I've used it, and it is invaluable in helping to set priorities and sort things out.

Best wishes to you for guidance and support during this difficult time.


Mdlftr

We will be looking into professional counseling for some of those reasons that you've indicated. She too needs people that she can vent with and doesn't currently have that opportunity.

Thank you for your wishes. I know things will be better in the long run.

[ethernet_jock]

Wow MM...

I haven't spoken on this thread yet because I'm so taken aback and the subject strikes entirely too close to home... but I can't ignore your incredible strength of character.

9 years of marriage and a 2-year-old and a soon-to-be newborn later... I find myself in a similar position only from a bisexual slant. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do - if anything - ever... about it.

Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey with us... there are many more like me who are afraid to even speak up... you can be sure of that.

-Chris

[ottomun6]

Very heavy subject Muscle Mastah,
Mdltr hit it on the head about seeking some counseling for your wife ASAP.
I have avoided going down the whole marriage road, but it still hurts to hear about others hurting.
(Ok, I have been guilty of watching "Oprah"), I think one of the other thoughts running through your wife's mind is the thought of being alone on her journey of life.
A group of other women with the same situation may help her too.
Man I wish you and your wife well, I hope it will go smoothly.

[muscle_mastah]

Originally Posted by ethernet_jock

Wow MM...

I haven't spoken on this thread yet because I'm so taken aback and the subject strikes entirely too close to home... but I can't ignore your incredible strength of character.

I'm not feeling like I have much in strength of character just tired of coming up with excuses for not having sex.

Originally Posted by ethernet_jock

9 years of marriage and a 2-year-old and a soon-to-be newborn later... I find myself in a similar position only from a bisexual slant. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do - if anything - ever... about it.

I think I understand/appreciate your situation better after having chatted with you. Good luck my friend.

Originally Posted by ethernet_jock

Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey with us... there are many more like me who are afraid to even speak up... you can be sure of that.

-Chris

A few have spoken up already here in the forums so I'm not the first. And you did speak up, I remember the thread. Although others may take something away from this thread for their own situation, in the end, I think I'm just looking for a place where I can be honest with my sexuality.

[muscle_mastah]

Originally Posted by ottomun6

Very heavy subject Muscle Mastah,
Mdltr hit it on the head about seeking some counseling for your wife ASAP.
I have avoided going down the whole marriage road, but it still hurts to hear about others hurting.

Yeah, trying to avoid the hurt caused me to wait way too long. As one can imagine, I've thought of a number of ways to avoid this particular path to even I made my bed now lie in it.

Originally Posted by ottomun6

(Ok, I have been guilty of watching "Oprah"), I think one of the other thoughts running through your wife's mind is the thought of being alone on her journey of life. A group of other women with the same situation may help her too.

I suspect it very much is an issue. She is not close to her family, doesn't have close friends and has always felt I would be there as not only lover but best friend. She will have our daughter since there is no question in my mind who should get custody. She's a good mom.

Originally Posted by ottomun6

Man I wish you and your wife well, I hope it will go smoothly.

Thanks. It's been a little over two weeks. The initial shock is over as well as the silent treatment. The hurt is still there as certain comments and remarks reveals the pain, but we are moving on, ever so slowly.

[ethernet_jock]

Incidentally - and thank you for the VERY nice IM conversation as well MM...

you guys should see the rest of his body too... very very drool-worthy. He's definitely in that "I'd like to look that good by the time I'm that age" category.

Definitely a lot of living left to do for this beautiful man!!

[brent]

Originally Posted by ethernet_jock

...
He's definitely in that "I'd like to look that good by the time I'm that age" category.
...

How old is he? Old people creep me out.

[ethernet_jock]

LMFAO... well since his birth-date is proudly displayed in his profile I don't feel too bad saying:

48?

not that old.... but 20 years older than me.

[Snoish]

It took me a long time to come out to my family. Fear of alienating them was one of the biggest reasons I used to stay firmly in the closet.

It was such a sense of relief to finally tell them but it left a void in my life. The whole purpose of me up until that point had been to hide my sexuality, to not act 'gay' to be someone I thought they wanted me to be. I've managed to fill it now with my new outed life, its so much better.

When I told my family, they were great about it, obviously it's a different viewpoint for yourself, with a wife and child, but the abandonment feelings would still be there I guess. It's easy for people to jump on the hate the outed one bandwagon in support of the spouse, but the amount of courage it takes to be true to yourself after all that time is staggering.

Although I never had a relationship with a woman, I just couldn't disrespect anyone that much, I can see how it so easily happens in a society that almost forces being hetero on you.

I hope it's getting easier for you man, you have my respect as little as thats worth.

[ottomun6]

Originally Posted by brent

How old is he? Old people creep me out.

Ouch!! guess I better stand here in the pasture and chew grass (or is it cud? ) Has anybody seen my hearing aid?, ...what!?!?....speak up there you young whipper-snappers!!

[muscle_mastah]

ej: And you haven't even seen my cute face yet. Thanks bro.

Brent: boo

ej: lol yeah I decided to not bother hiding my age, I am what I am. There just better be lots of guys out there into older guys. lol

snoish: I can definitely relate to the void esp as my best friend (my wife) are going through these strained times. As far as disrespecting a woman, lets just say the items you mention is part of it but add in great sex that certainly made me think I live a hetero life if only briefly. Thank you for your post, the support here is great.

Ottomun6: lol

[Mdlftr]

ej: lol yeah I decided to not bother hiding my age, I am what I am. There just better be lots of guys out there into older guys. lol


MM: Good for you! As someone who's a year younger (47) We'd probably run many of these young punks into the ground!

Brent: Usually you don't muff it like this? What's up? Remember, if you're not older, you're dead---take your pick!

Ottomun: Moo for you!

RE: the issues. It's interesting here. I have a friend who was married, and the wife asked for the divorce--so she could 'meet other people' is how she put it. Interestingy enough, my friend said that he would probably have stayed married, even though he 'wasn't that happy', just because it's 'what you do'.

Wow. He's now in a long term relationship with another guy and very happy. I don't pretend to understand human nature, but, if I ever thought that people "choose" to be gay, I sure don't think so now.

[deetrakt]

left the room. It's so out of character for Brent--I was guessing it was meant to be a PM, not a post.

At the ripe old age of 58, I look at guys like MM and Mdlifter as mere striplings. Besides, when a guy's going through a mid-life crisis that makes the kinds of issues (work, baldness, etc.) it usually refers to seem like minor annoyances, isn't that eno\0through a mid-life crisis that makes the kinds of issues (work, baldness, etc.) it usually refers to seem like minor annoyances, isn't that eno\0S left the room. It's so out of character for Brent--I was guessing it was meant to be a PM, not a post.

At the ripe old age o

[deetrakt]

I have no idea what was just going on, but here's what I was trying to post:

Brent's comment was so out of character that I was guessing he meant it send it as a PM to one other person, not as a post.

It seems to me that MM, while clearly a gutsy guy, has quite enough to deal with without ageism too. I'm 58, so I think of guys MM and Mdlifter's age as mere striplings anyway.

[muscle_mastah]

lol, I'm cool. I never took Brent's comment in a bad way. I have shoulders and working on getting an ass. Squats!!!!