The Navigater 1

[jockstud]

I'm Jake I just transfired to a new Highschool. This Highschool is different all the guys here are muscular and are tall. Not to mention extremely hot and hung like horses. Everyone except for me only two other kids looked normal. I followed one of the kids named Tim home and this big black Lincolin Navigater pulled up next to him. The windows were tinted but i could see that there was no passengers. Tim went around to the passenger side door and got in . The SUV sped off but i managed to keep up. The Navigater took a sharp turn down a dirt road into the woods and turned off into some bushes. Not to long after that the car started rocking slightly like someone was having sex. I could hear two guys growning and moaning in pleasure. Then I heard painfull grunts like someone was hurting tim. Then the rocking stopped and the car started up and drove off. I wrote down the license plate MSLGRTH. The next day I searched the Highschool parking lot for the SUV. Then I found it I went to class and it looked like there was a new kid sitting in Tims seat..........
To be continued
tell me what you think ,its only my second story

[Gene]

Originally Posted by jockstud

I'm Jake I just transfired to a new Highschool. This Highschool is different all the guys here are muscular and are tall. Not to mention extremely hot and hung like horses. Everyone except for me only two other kids looked normal. I followed one of the kids named Tim home and this big black Lincolin Navigater pulled up next to him. The windows were tinted but i could see that there was no passengers. Tim went around to the passenger side door and got in . The SUV sped off but i managed to keep up. The Navigater took a sharp turn down a dirt road into the woods and turned off into some bushes. Not to long after that the car started rocking slightly like someone was having sex. I could hear two guys growning and moaning in pleasure. Then I heard painfull grunts like someone was hurting tim. Then the rocking stopped and the car started up and drove off. I wrote down the license plate MSLGRTH. The next day I searched the Highschool parking lot for the SUV. Then I found it I went to class and it looked like there was a new kid sitting in Tims seat..........
To be continued
tell me what you think ,its only my second story

Quick, nice start but it's a little short even for an episode of a serialized story.

Piqued my interest but it's like a single strobe flash in a dance floor of hot sweaty sexy people. Not entirely satisfying.

Watch your spelling and punctuation. Errors are even more noticeable in short pieces.

So..., what happened to Tim?

[iceman75]

Looks like the good start, if you ask me, could be a little longer and more detailed, most stories here are done in at least 4 or 5 paragraphs, but what you did was alright, because it set up what could and should be a longer story that can be full of excellent stuff. Don't worry about writing mistakes, almost everyone makes them, just worry about the story you are trying to tell, detail it as much as you can, and just put your fantasy out there. Great beginning, can't wait to see more, and I'm sure me and Gene aren't the only ones waiting in anticipation.

[jockstud]

...I get in my seat 3 chairs behind Tims seat. The teacher starts doing attendance RYAN NILSON tims up nex. TIM MATHET....the hotty says HERE. That cant be him i just saw him as scrawny as a string bean. I weant to my locker and there was a note. it said If ITs muscles you want wait by the Large Tree in Oak park. After school i rushed there and waited for an hour. It was getting dark and i was just going to leave. Just then the Navigator pulls up. The window goes down.....It's the quarterback of the football team Carter. Get in he says in his deep manly voise. I get in the passenger seat and no faster than i shut the door he speeds off. Befor i know it we are on the same dirt road i saw him with tim. This is the deal ok.. What ever two men have sex in this car grow big muscles. If they keep doing it then they keep growing. Who ever is taking it up the ass gets the growth. This first time is free but then its $100 every additional time. Strip down he says and winks. I take off my abercrombie T-shirt and he takes off his jersy huge pecks and a perfect 8 pack. I take my jenes off and he takes his off. I take off my boxerbriefs. All he's left with is his jock strap and he takes that off to he's completely shaven from his neck down and he reveals a TROUSER SNAKE!! HE says you ready lets get in the back he gets in first and i see his perfect ass. He didnt notice me put my backpack unzipped under the bench seat in the back where it was all gona happen. I layed down first. He kisses me pationatly and frenches me as he's laying on top of me. I slipped my hands under the seat and into my back pack. I grab 2 sets of hand cuffs. I quickly grab his hands and cuff him to the bars on the seats. He starts yelling so i gaged him with his jock strap. I then cuffed hus feet to hoocks in the back for cargo with his legs spread and his ass in the air. I m gona ask you some questions and if you dont answer i will shoot you. (i really didnt have one but he didn't know that) If i wear a condom will it work. Yes he mumbles. Im so hard by now. I grab the KY i noticed in the cup holder i lather it all over his ass and my cock. i slip my cocks head in. Then i thrust in.

[Absman420]

Originally Posted by iceman75

Don't worry about writing mistakes, almost everyone makes them, just worry about the story you are trying to tell, detail it as much as you can, and just put your fantasy out there.

The old adage is "Show, don't tell."

You're TELLING us what happened to these characters instead of SHOWING us. We have to live the story through the character's eyes -- dramatize the events, don't just list them off. Keep going -- the only way to learn how to write is to write. (And graciously accept criticism, even if you don't take it.)