Help...

buffnav214 · #1 November 7th, 2005, 12:49 PM

I'm really nervous about asking this, but where are some good places to meet guys? To describe myself, I've recently discovered that I'm gay. I really don't like bars, because I really don't drink, and I'm not the rowdy type. I don't really smoke either, and a lot of that seems to happen a lot in bars. Actually, to be completely honest, I've known I was gay for two years. I have never been invovled in a relationship of any kind, I was always the anti-social kind of guy. I just thought I was immune to the whole relationship thing. The discovery that I was gay came about in the form of me falling in love with my best friend. Unfortunately, he caught on before I did, and cast me away, and it took me a few months more before I realized what I was feeling. When I confronted my "friend" he told me I was showing all the signs of being gay, and he wanted nothing to do with me. Well, that incident pretty much sent me into the closet, until now, I'm kind of peeking out through the door, so to speak. The feelings inside me have literally been growing stronger and stronger. I've started a bodybuilding regimen, not because I'm dissatisfied with my looks, but because I feel my body is currently a "shell" supressing who I really am. My discovery about my homosexuality came about through so much pain that I'm at the point where I want to look in the mirror and see a different person. Also, I find myself admiring men when I'm in public, and noticing things I've never noticed before. Well, I've said more then I intended, I had only wanted to ask where I can go to meet people. I guess I needed to get that out. Hopefully someone here understands my dilemma.

DonnieJvilleNC · #2 November 7th, 2005, 02:10 PM

Buffnav214,

Thank you for having the courage to tell us your situation. Remember that we're here to help support you in all aspects, not just your athletic goals. This is a great place to talk things over.

I took many years of "flip-flopping" about coming out. On July 6, 1993 I finally came out to my parents (and thus the rest of my family). It felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Just remember to take it at your own pace...don't let anyone force you into coming out. It has to be on your own terms.

I know what you mean about the bar scene...I don't drink or smoke either. I find that one place to "get your feet wet" (so to speak) is chat rooms like at www.gay.com You can find a local chat room and get to know the locals.

I hope I was of some help. I know I wished there was someone "out there" listening to me when I was going through my "coming out" time.

deetrakt · #3 November 7th, 2005, 03:54 PM

Buffnav214,

I'm a lot older than you and went through this process a long time ago, but I don't think the basic issues have changed much.

What has changed a great deal though--and to your advantage--is the range of choices you have today. But it would be helpful for the other guys on the forum to know a little more about you to make useful suggestions.

Your profile indicates your age, but, while preserving your privacy, could you indicate whether you work or are a student or both, some of your hobbies and interests, the country (I'm guessing US--what region?) you live in and the kind of area--rural/small town, small-medium sized metro area or major metro? Sharing some more info will improve the quality of advice you get. These days, there are gay outlets and affinity groups for virtually every major athletic interest, hobby, religious, ethnic and political affiliation, etc. They might offer a more comfortable way for you to meet people than do the bars.

Anyway, whatever you decide, the best of luck to you. And the best general advice I can offer is to try to take it easy and slow at first. If you kept things bottled up for 23 years, it's OK not to let them all out at once.

glammaman2000 · #4 November 7th, 2005, 05:13 PM

I realise you're now the oldest you've ever been;but you wouldn't want to start much earlier.Like deetrakt said;it'd help if we knew approx.where you live.Things will be fine.g.

buffnav214 · #5 November 7th, 2005, 07:38 PM

Well, I wouldn't exactly say that I've had things bottled up. I think a better analogy for me would be an "awakening." I grew up watching men around me fall in and out of love and nenver really understood what was so great about it. I even encountered a few gays during that time period. I just never thought much of the whole romance process as a whole. So when I came to the realization I was gay, it was/is overwhelming. Here I am, a grown man, being bombarded with these strange feelings that I've had absolutely no experience dealing with. All I know is that they feel good, for reasons I would be at a loss to explain.

To be honest, I was half expecting to be laughed at bringing this subject up, but since several of you gave me responses I never thought to hear, I'll share a little more about myself, while maintaining my privacy. I'll follow deektrakt's chain of questions here:

I am currently a student, but I'm finding it very hard to concentrate on my studies because the guy I fell in love with also went there, and his loss makes merely being down there painful to me. There's more to it then that (some traumtic events occured around the same time), but I'll bring that up if the need arises. I also work, which I also find hard to focus on. My hobbies and interests include things like computers (building them), video games, and reading and I've always had an interest in weightlifting that I kept hidden (I was teased and ridiculed growing up, I'm small in stature and don't excel and any sports). My only outlet for that fetish was musclegrowthstories, something that had a major influence in my decision to be discussing this today. As far as the area I live in, I'm in the northeastern united states. I live in the suburbs, and I really don'y get out much. I don't have many friends (about 6), and a large chunk of them are out of state, with one in another country entirely.

Some other information I'll volunteer is that I'm a very sensitive guy. I believe being in touch with ones emotions is one of the most important traits in a human being. As a result of this, I tend to get hurt very easily. Also as a result, I'm not interested in random flings. At the risk of sounding corny, I have a lot of love to give, too much to just be picking up random guys.

So that's the deal, for now anyway. It kind of seems I'm an anomoly even among gays, since it seems that society seems to think that being emotional isn't "manly." So maybe for me, being gay should remain a fantasy.

buffnav214 · #6 November 7th, 2005, 07:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glammaman2000

I realise you're now the oldest you've ever been;but you wouldn't want to start much earlier.Like deetrakt said;it'd help if we knew approx.where you live.Things will be fine.g.

I agree with you wholeheartedly, I FEEL like a kid. One that has just discovered girls (or, whatever). Kind of pathetic when you think about it...

glassbear · #7 November 7th, 2005, 08:17 PM

I think that awakening is a great way to frame it. You are that much closer to being a whole person now. Though I am happily hitched (to the same great guy for 8 years now) I found that the most important thing was meting quality people. Be wary of online ways of meeting. You are still vulnerable and I would hate to see you hurt by someone only out to take advantage.

One place that I suggest for meeting and creating a network of friends that are not sex/drinking/bar focused is in the huge number organizations available....I have met guys through spiritual clubs (druid)....billiards league.....Political organizations.....hiking clubs...or arts associations.

Most metro areas in the country now have some equivelant of a "pink pages" that would list organizations that would beavailable in your area.

Most importantly keep yourself safe...yeah physically of course but almost more importantly, emotionally. Always believe that you deserve to be happy and never settle for anything but that.

collin

hulkmuscle · #8 November 7th, 2005, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buffnav214

To be honest, I was half expecting to be laughed at bringing this subject up, but since several of you gave me responses I never thought to hear, I'll share a little more about myself, while maintaining my privacy. I'll follow deektrakt's chain of questions here:

As gay men, we all go through a transition period at some point or another, whether we're teenagers, in our twenties, some even in our forties/fifties. I'm sure there are plenty of other guys here who'd be more than happy to discuss their experiences to help you through yours. There was a thread not too long ago that went over this as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buffnav214

...I've always had an interest in weightlifting that I kept hidden (I was teased and ridiculed growing up, I'm small in stature and don't excel and any sports).

Definitely not the only one with experience in that area. 6'1 135 does not make a pretty picture, and I refrained from working out for years because I thought people would laugh me out of the gym because I was so ridiculous looking. Likewise, the only sport I was any good at was badminton (musta been that shuttlecock...go figure).

Quote:

Originally Posted by buffnav214

At the risk of sounding corny, I have a lot of love to give, too much to just be picking up random guys.

Nothing corny at all. It's nice to hear someone so well-adjusted.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buffnav214

It kind of seems I'm an anomoly even among gays, since it seems that society seems to think that being emotional isn't "manly." So maybe for me, being gay should remain a fantasy.

Bullshit! Some people may advocate that, but you dont need to live your life by the status quo. Follow your own heart. I was a sensitive boy, artistic, geeky, and I was lucky that my parents recognized it was actually a good thing. My father was a big strapping mountain of a man, but with a core as gentle and caring as could be. If you're "emotional", that's who you are. Don't let the "norm" deter you from following your feelings. You can certainly find love and lead a happy healthy life.

deetrakt · #9 November 9th, 2005, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buffnav214

I am currently a student. I also work. My hobbies and interests include things like computers (building them), video games, and reading and I've always had an interest in weightlifting that I kept hidden (I was teased and ridiculed growing up, I'm small in stature and don't excel and any sports). My only outlet for that fetish was musclegrowthstories, something that had a major influence in my decision to be discussing this today. As far as the area I live in, I'm in the northeastern united states. I live in the suburbs............I'm a very sensitive guy. I tend to get hurt very easily. I'm not interested in random flings. It kind of seems I'm an anomaly even among gays, since it seems that society seems to think that being emotional isn't "manly".

Obvious, but see if any of these ideas appeal to you. Check out gay groups at your school or for students in your area. Ditto for your type of work or industry. Consider joining a gym with a sizeable gay membership. There are probably online communities for gay guys who like to build computers or who enjoy video games.

One tip: at your local Barnes & Noble or equivalent, go to the US Travel shelves. At the beginning of the section, where the guides to the entire country are found, you'll see several gay guides that list bars, clubs, organizations, etc. throughout the country organized by state, city and sometimes even local area. (Personally, I don't buy them--just check them on the shelf when I need to.)

The part about your emotionality/sensitivity troubled me a bit. I'd urge you not to try to find "the right guy" all at once. There are other ways to get to know people without indulging in random flings--like joining organizations, volunteering at a gay- or AIDs-related charity, participating in online communities, etc. Even if you don't play the field sexually, you need (especially if you're shy) to put yourself in a position where you can get to know more people gradually--i.e., "play the field interpersonally". (And I don't know where you got the idea that emotionality is frowned on by gay people--stereotypes must be changing very rapidly.)

OK, that's all from me. Hopefully, you'll hear from others in your age group or who share your interests now that I've pushed you ahead of the election thread. And good luck!

buffnav214 · #10 November 13th, 2005, 08:14 AM

[QUOTE=deetrakt]And I don't know where you got the idea that emotionality is frowned on by gay people--stereotypes must be changing very rapidly.QUOTE]

I didn't say that gay people frown on men having emotions, I said that society does. In my personal experience, if a man is the emotional sensitive type, you either get accused of being gay, or you get told that you're acting like a woman. As far as groups go, I have ventured a little in that direction, but have been stopped in my tracks by the fact that usually the Lesbians are linked into the groups as well. I've suffered enough mistreatment from women that I don't exactly like the idea of sharing my personal feelings in an arena where several of them will be present.

glammaman2000 · #11 November 13th, 2005, 07:02 PM

...or not,like everybody else.Sorry to hear you've had problems with women,but it's half the population.Take a breather,then give them a chance.You don't have to like them ALL!You don't"need"them,so you're one step ahead of the game!Concentrate on guys for now.They're a handful all by themselves!g.

buffnav214 · #12 November 14th, 2005, 07:59 AM

I have yet to encounter a woman that doesn't attempt to manipulate men's minds.

Mdlftr · #13 November 14th, 2005, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by buffnav214

I have yet to encounter a woman that doesn't attempt to manipulate men's minds.

Not to be ageist here, BUT!

You're young! There are a LOT of women out there! Believe me when I tell you that there ARE women who aren't manipulative, just as there ARE men who are as conniving as any Renaissance courtier!

Bottom line: People are people. One gender does not have a monopoly on truthfulness or mendacity.

buffnav214 · #14 November 14th, 2005, 12:57 PM

I've dealt with both sexes as far as mistreatment goes, and in all my experience, the men were blatant about their betrayal while with the women were super subtle, with rational reasoning for everything they did that still boiled down to, in the end, betrayal.

Mdlftr · #15 November 15th, 2005, 09:09 AM

...that's just people!

Men and women DO act differently. It's a stylistic thing:
Men get mad and want you to get mad too.
"F*** you, you *sshole, and the horse you rode in on!"

Whereas women are more subtle:

"It's not you, it's me. PLEASE don't be angry with me for (messing up your mind) what happened. I never intended (after months of scheming and planning) for it to end this way. Please don't go away angry!(Give yourself a heartattack from the stress, you pr*ck!)"

Quote:

Originally Posted by buffnav214

I've dealt with both sexes as far as mistreatment goes, and in all my experience, the men were blatant about their betrayal while with the women were super subtle, with rational reasoning for everything they did that still boiled down to, in the end, betrayal.

glammaman2000 · #16 November 15th, 2005, 05:58 PM

..females are half the planet.If you're ever going to develop a coherent philosophy of life;you're going to have to deal with it.Women are manipulative because men have never allowed them any real power.Which they DESPERATELY want!You have an advantage as a gay man,here.A)"If you're trying to use your'feminine wiles'I am most decidedly the wrong tree."B)"If I like you,I could be the best male friend you'll ever have;because I could care less about getting into your pants."I have been VERY fortunate in having many super-positive women in my life!