Muscle Worship: A Meditation

[arpeejay]

This comes under the heading of ?always the bridesmaid, never the bride,? otherwise known as ?facilitating other people?s muscle worship.?

Not long after I came out (July 1993) I joined misc.fitness.weights, one of the original online groups for muscleheads. I told my coming out and story and, voila, I had e-mail from Tommy (all names have been changed), a hot young (27 to my 35) musclestud in Colorado.

I was immediately and totally and completely smitten with him. You may or may not know that for those of us who come out very late (well into adulthood) all of the normal developmental stages ? puppy love, crushes, sexual adventuring ? get wildly compressed and I was head over heels with Tommy, despite never having met him. I was as inflamed as any 13 y.o. school girl mooning over (well, take your pick.)

Oh, yeah, and he had a husband. They?d been together since Tommy was a skinny 21-year-old SE Asian student going to school at university in the Midwest. They?d been completely and totally monogamous and the new, big, very buff Tommy was obviously feeling his oats.

Before long I was being quite the slutpuppy (I never had sex with a man until after I came out to my wife, children, parents, in-laws, assorted family members, co-workers, colleagues around the country, friends and neighbors, and church!) Tommy was mildly disapproving ? until he had his own affair with a fellow gym member. I was pretty thoroughly devastated that it wasn?t with me but we were 1500 miles apart and I certainly wasn?t sitting around waiting for him and Dirk (his partner) to figure out what they wanted to do.

Not long after that, I met Jeff, another gaydad, only this one deeply closeted with a long history of going ?on vacation? by himself to do the sexual adventuring he needed to do to keep same. Think Brokeback Mountain from Jack Fucking Twist?s point of view, only without the fishing poles and without Ennis. Naturally I introduced Jeff to Tommy and I was delighted a couple of months later that Jeff planned to stop by Atlanta on his way down to Florida.

We had dinner and a night at the bars and a hot j/o session in his motel room (The Cheshire Inn, of course!) Jeff was about 42 to my 35, 6?2 to my 5?10 ?, bearded and furry as fuck, but we were both about the same weight (195-200 lbs.), and it was nice. By that time I had a long-distance boyfriend (in South Carolina) and I wasn?t too sure how I felt about spending the weekend with Jeff when Howard wasn't visiting, too, so I went home ? and later heard about all of Jeff?s multiple orgasms in Atlanta, especially those with the hot black guy from the Eagle, the one with the shaved head and killer pecs and amazing arms (and who apparently did it all with pushups.)

Jeff, of course, couldn?t help telling me how he was completely and totally and madly in love with Tommy. They?d never met, either, but apparently LOTS of people had a tendency to fall in love with Tommy. He was gorgeous, genius-level smart, sweet, built, and strong as an ox. At 28, he was 5?10? tall and 200 lbs., all muscle, and just on the cusp of making the leap to ?the next level.?

Not long after Jeff left Atlanta and went back home to the Midwest, he wrote to tell me that ? surprise, surprise ? he?d met Tommy and Dirk in Chicago. And, yes, of course, they had wild passionate sex.

Bitter gall.

I?d introduced them and they had sex without me. Didn?t help that Tommy had been to Atlanta in the meantime (to visit his sister) but couldn?t call me, of course, because he wasn?t out to her (or the rest of his large Asian Catholic family.)

Fast forward a year. I?d met another hottie online, Pat, a shy, smart, blond California boy who was 6 ft and 220 lbs., all muscle. We hit it off and naturally I did what I always do, extended the network (I?m a librarian, after all), introducing Pat to Tommy and to Jeff. I even wound up meeting a colleague of Pat?s in Atlanta (it?s like they say, you can?t get to heaven or hell without changing planes at Hartsfield, and that goes double for us gay guys. I think at least 50% of the gay male population in the U.S. has been to the Eagle or Bulldogs or the Heretic at some point in their lives) who confirmed that Pat was mega-built and mega-nice ("and he used to be so skinny! Now his shoulders are out to <hands wide apart> here!"), just like I thought.

Surely, by this point, you?re not surprised that Tommy and Dirk paid a visit to Southern California not that long after I introduced them to Pat? I heard about it loving detail. Before they ever met Tommy had done his first cycle, hitting 220 lbs. and 19 inch arms, and completely confident that he could hit 230 the next time. Pat was euphoric; Tommy was amazing, stopping traffic in WeHo, dropping jaws with the weights he was pushing in the gyms.

?Uh, I?m afraid to ask but??

Well, sure. Of course. Wild passionate, muscle-loving sex was the natural outcome of such a visit.

Too much for me, I?m afraid. I sent Tommy a nasty note, extremely hurt note, and one to Pat as well. I?ve never heard from Tommy again, naturally. I apologized to Pat but he wrote back to say it wasn?t enough. (He did, however, drop me a sympathetic line when Jeremy passed away.) I do run into Jeff online from time to time. The last time I asked after Tommy (I wish I could stop but I can't) he told me he was "huge" but had no specifics to offer, except that by that time Jeff was in the 225-230 range which had me spazzing thinking what "huge" must be in comparison.

Fast forward again.

I?d been chatting with Stan and Joe, independently, for years. We?re all three devotees of muscle, all three on the brainy / academic side of things, all three enjoyers of muscle growth fiction. At some point along the way, I said, ?hey, if you two don?t know each other already, you should ? say ?howdy? to each other.?

For the life of me, I can?t recall whether they already knew each other (entirely possible) or if, in fact, I made the initial introduction. Not that it matters.

I finally met Joe a year ago. What a hunk! He's big to begin with, a few inches over six feet, with broad shoulders and a big chest. And what?s great is that I?ve been chatting with him since he was in his early 20s, when he was a svelte 180 lbs. (he?s now about 230), and cheered and encouraged him along the way.

We met for brunch at a sidewalk caf? while I was visiting his town with a friend who was auditioning for a dance troupe. He was just as hot and as friendly and as sweet as I?d imagined him to be ? sexy, confident, his cute glasses and muscletank marking the perfect combination of brains and brawn. I watched him get scoped by the two really big (tall, like him) bears, about his age, and the confident nod he gave them. Appreciation was mutual.

Well, for them anway. I was completely invisible, for all practical purposes. I was too old for his bear buds to spare a second glance, apparently, and despite years of flirting and friendliness and ego-stroking (in both directions), it was obvious that Joe wasn?t the least bit interested in me.

Quite thoroughly smitten with Stan, however, with whom he?d had great muscle sex. Not that he told me, but it was obvious ? the smirk and the twinkle in his eye every time Stan?s name came up (and Stan?s partner, Chris.)

Oy.

I came out because I knew I was a gay man and I needed to express my sexuality with men. Early in my marriage I figured out that my obsession with muscle wasn?t just some body image thing, that it really did mean that I was gay.

I left my wife and my children and started a totally new life, which was an expensive proposition, not just financially (and it was, for all of us) but also emotionally and psychologically.

I?ve had lots of sex with men in the past 13 years. I don?t really know how much. I?m guessing I?ve had sex with about 300 guys ? and just a single handful could be counted as big muscle guys, and that?s probably stretching it a bit.

The two best built were Rob (5?8, 230 lbs., big, beefy, hard) and Antonio (6 ft, 225 lbs., ripped) and they were, well, weird. Rob was much more interested in his little brown bottle than actually interacting in bed. Antonio never actually made it to bed ? we stayed on the floor in the living room while he kept his eyes glued on the videotape and jacked himself off while I licked his nipples. Not exactly ?woo hoo!? quality.

Not that I should complain. I?ve had PLENTY of ?woo hoo!? quality sex as a gay man: with skinny guys; with lean, built guys; with big bears; and everything in between. The quality of the sex has been directly related to the other guy?s intelligence and niceness and sociability. When we matched (Jeremy and I always did, Naoyuki and I always do), it was great.

But no muscleguys, nothing close to a Tommy or a Joe. I never quite figured out what it was I didn?t have ? for Tommy or Pat or Rob or Antonio or Joe. Not enough muscle? Not enough macho? Not enough attitude? Not enough dick? I?d guess that I needed / wanted it too much except that it was completely clear that they needed and wanted it (muscle) as much as I did.

That?s all over, now.

I?m 48 and just about exactly the time Jeremy died (five years ago) I hit the age where guys (for the most part, even the ones my age and older) stop paying attention. My partner and I have a great life (in every respect) but we don?t play the way Jeremy and I did. All circumstances have to be completely optimal (ya know, a day of snorkeling in the Caribbean, followed by a couple of nifty cocktails, and some quality time in cruise ship spa with a dozen or so fellow gay passengers) for us to ?venture out.? Given those circumstances, the likelihood of satisfying my muscle fetish is virtually nil.

So, I?m never going to have that primo muscle worship session, unless I pay for it (and that?s even more ego-deflating than everything else I?ve described.) For that matter, I?m not going to satisfy my muscle lust by letting myself get any bigger. In fact, I?m definitely going to get smaller. If I?m going to live long enough to dandle grandbabies on my knee (a possibility, although my family genetics are pretty crappy), I?ve got to get a handle on the Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus.

I?m working on it this summer and, hopefully, from now on. I started seeing a great nutritionist, I?m consuming lots and lots of steamed veggies, I?ve just about completely stopped cooking pasta, rice and potatoes. I even re-activated my long-defunct Bally?s membership ($99 for a year, woo hoo!) and I?m going four days a week, doing half an hour of cardio followed by half an hour of circuit training. Weights light enough that I can do 12 reps, immediately moving to the next machine, and the next, and the next, and then doing it all again twice.

These days I?m at 200lbs., the smallest I?ve been in nearly 10 years, and I?m still shrinking. Hopefully what?s left will be all muscle, and I feel it coming on. I can feel (but can?t see) the abs I didn?t have when I was 18 and weighed 140 lbs. and had a 29 inch waist. They?re waiting for me and I think a year from now they?ll be in evidence.

And, yes, really all the preceding was a meditation on (a) sexual jealousy and (b) sexual decline in the aging gay male, not muscle worship (as advertised.)

I don?t do (a) very well; that?s why I?ve avoided it at all costs. I haven?t let many people other than Tommy rip my heart out and stomp on it (maybe that?s why I don?t have sex with muscle guys?) And none of that compares to real hurt, the kind that never goes away because someone else did.

I?m hoping I?ll do better with (b).

Hugs & smoochies all around?

Richard

[seahawk]

rpj, thanks for writing this. It's really interesting to hear about your experiences in real life. It's a good reminder that guys with muscle are like everyone else, and they have their own issues. Kind of a reality check on a site that's geared towards fantasy.

These days I?m at 200lbs., the smallest I?ve been in nearly 10 years, and I?m still shrinking. Hopefully what?s left will be all muscle, and I feel it coming on. I can feel (but can?t see) the abs I didn?t have when I was 18 and weighed 140 lbs. and had a 29 inch waist. They?re waiting for me and I think a year from now they?ll be in evidence.

And as for your current goals, I'm rooting for you all the way. A nice guy like you should be healthy and enjoying every day to its fullest!