Who Are You If I’m Me?

[Texzilla]

(Still working on the third chapter of 'Full Moon and Muscle' when this story idea hit me yesterday and wouldn't shut up. Just a one shot story, and it starts after the sex. Trying something different, let me know if it works. )


Who Are You If I’m Me?

Terry Martin was having a little trouble looking Jake Andrews in the eyes. They had fooled around while they were in high school but this was the first time Jake had convinced Terry to give him head. Maybe it was that Jake had pulled his shorts back up his hips as soon as he shot off while Terry found himself sort of enjoying the mouthful he just swallowed.

Jake reached over from his place on his bed and turned the music down some. For some reason he thought they needed it up as Terry sucked him off. As if his brother and sister down the hall in the living room would suddenly go “Hey, that sounds like Jake’s cock going down Terry’s throat” as soon as they started in.

Terry sat on the edge of his buddy’s bed for a while. He found himself whipping his mouth now and then. He was sure he had gotten all the cum down but, it was his first time. Terry still needed to leave the room, get home and try to act normal through it all. He just couldn’t get over the idea that maybe, just maybe, there might be a clump of white sperm stuck on his chin. Like that booger that hung from his nose in the third grade and no one said anything about it.

Terry was already sure there was going to be some ‘tell’ he’d give off letting everyone know he’d gone down on a guy’s dick that afternoon. Having a drop of cum on his chin left would be like placing a arch light on the event.

Two maybe three songs had played when Terry thought it would be best to leave. Jake acted like nothing happened. Like he hadn’t had a guy’s mouth all over his dick less than a half hour before. Certainly didn’t act like he was going to be paying back any time soon.

Then while driving home Terry decided to suddenly take a side trip to the mall. Just couldn’t go from blow job to happy home that quickly. Terry thought there might be some mail for him, still waiting to hear from a couple of the college’s he applied to, but if there was anything, it would still be there when he got home. And for some reason he just felt like talking to his Mom about…..this. Well, not about blowing Jake but telling her about him being pretty sure he was gay. Maybe he should hold off till he was in school. Maybe he could tell them it was a ‘phase’ and if they freaked….

Terry wandered through the mall Going to his regular hang out stores, and a few others he normally wouldn’t but, he needed to think. Heading out of the CD store Terry was suddenly knocked to the floor when he ran into a solid mass of muscle.

The guy was at least twice Terry’s age, if not more, but looked younger. Not much taller than Terry but at least twice as wide at the shoulders, which stuck out of his ripped sleeveless work shirt. Even the first three buttons or so couldn’t be buttoned due to the guy’s wide chest. But it was this bruiser’s back that Terry got acquainted with. Do people have backs this big. Not even the guy’s on the wrestling team back in school were this wide. But then most of those guys were obsessed with making their arms into the ‘guns’ they kept worshiping on the football players. And Terry thought he was having issues with homosexual longings. Still, none of the guys had arms anywhere as big as this guy’s, or as hairy. Looking up at the guy from the floor of the mall Terry got a good look as the thick knotted legs that were completely exposed below the far too short cut offs the guy was almost wearing. Well it was summer and it was hot out. As the guy bent down slightly to give Terry a hand up Terry couldn’t help but notice that, when the guy moved just right …was that one of his balls that almost fell out of the shorts. Shit, this guy was hung and wasn’t even wearing any underwear.

Even though Terry was OK he started breathing very deeply as the vice like hand grabbed his forearm and helped him to his feet.

“Hey dude, I am SO sorry. Guess I stopped without thinking there might be someone in back of me.” The guy said is a soft but deep voice. Sounded almost familiar. Terry now go a good look at the guy’s face, sort of. With the long brown hair and full beard most of it was covered. Guy looked like he might have been covering up a couple of good scars with that beard. But the eyes were bright green, the same odd green that ran in Terry’s family. “Are you OK? You look a little flushed?”

“Yea, I’m fine, I’m sorry about hitting you.”

“Haw! Barely even felt it. If you hadn’t made so much noise hitting the floor I might not have even noticed. You sure you OK?” The guy was huge, just a big a bodybuilder as Terry had ever seen in any of the workout mags he bought, the teen queer’s safe porno. But there was something….nice about the guy. Not intimidating in the slightest.

“Just ego bruised…” Terry was just glad the crowd that stopped briefly to see what was going on had left. This guy was probably used to drawing a crowd where ever he went, especially dressed like that, but Terry sort of wanted to blend in today.

“Let me make it up to you. How ‘bout a Coke at the food court?”

“No that’s fine, I’ve got to head home…”

“I’d really like to make it up to you. Make sure you’re OK before you drive home.”

“No, really I’m fine..”

“Drive home to tell your Mom that you gay, Terry?”

“What…..?” Terry was eventually able to get out. How did this guy know his name…… how could anyone even have known what he was thinking…….. and why did his eyes look so sad.

“Terry, please, come with me to the Food Court. It’s a public place where nothing will happen to you, but we can talk in peace. Terry, please trust me.”

“Trust you? How can you…..I’m not going to tell my Mom I’m….I’m not…”

“Yes you are Terry. I know. I’m you.”

If the big man’s hand had not still been wrapped around Terry’s forearm the teen would have hit the floor again. Because Terry knew this guy was telling the truth. That’s why the eyes and the voice. Under the beard.

“How is this…”

“Terry come on.” Still holding onto Terry firmly but not enough to hurt him the bodybuilder lead the teen through the mall to the open food court. Being late in the afternoon the lunch crowd was long gone and the after dinner shoppers hadn’t shown yet, so it was fairly empty. Big Terry found a table for them off in a corner and quickly got them a couple of Cokes. When he got back to the table Teen Terry was still in shock and not looking like he was coming back any time soon.

“Terry I’m sorry for this. But I had to talk to you.”

“How is this possible? How do I really know….”

Big Terry dug around in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. After flipping thorough he presented a driver license. Teen Terry held it for a second, trying to get his mind to focus on what he was seeing. It said Terry Martin with the right birth date. The address was somewhere in California instead of Michigan. But the expiration date of the license was over 20 years from the current date.

“I can’t go into how…. Just some old buddies of mine from my…. our military days helped me out, to send me back…..to talk to you…”

‘Military days? I’m not going into the Army, I’m going to college.”

“Well, no. It’s the Marines for one thing. You don’t get like this in the Army.” Big Terry said flexing a bicep. “Army only wishes. But Terry….today’s the day isn’t it? You…” Big Terry leaned in and whispered. “…. You sucked off that Jake guy today didn’t you?”

“Ummmm, I’ve never…”

“Terry. I’m you. I know. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. It was pretty cool wasn’t it?” there was something about the way Big Terry grinned at that which for some reason calmed Teen Terry down. As if he really did know how much he secretly enjoyed it. “Trust me dude, not the last and no where near the best you’re going to get. And with this body, l trust me, we’re going to be getting A LOT.”

Teen Terry felt himself get blushed again. The confidence coming off this guy. Could he ever become someone like this? That build was incredible. He never even fantasized about guy’s that big when jagging off. And he was just so sure of himself?

“But Terry.” Big Terry said low and sincere. “It’s…..it’s not going to be easy. There are going to be times in the days ahead that you….. you’re going to wish you were dead. But I had to come back to say just….hang in there. It will work out OK. Just believe in….”

“Yes but Terry, why don’t you tell him the whole story.” A voice said from the side. Both Terry’s turned with a start to see a man walking up to their table. He appeared to be in his 40’s, thin but healthy, clean shaven with short brown hair, wearing a nice suit that made his oddly green eyes stand out more. “Why don’t you tell them how later today his parents will kick him out of the house and his Father will die hating him.”

“Son of a bitch” Big Terry growled. “Get the fuck away from the kid you piece of..”

“Wait…..who’s this guy!!!”

“Terry.” The new stranger said assuringly and sitting down. “I’m you. The REAL you.” He then also handed Terry a driver’s license. Still having Big Terry’s card Teen Terry compared the two. Same info EXACTLY, even the date of renewal. But the pictures. This new guy. Something…yea it could be himself. Same eyes, same nose. No scars, no beard. But why the hell didn’t look like the muscle stud across from him.

“Thought you could beat me to him?” Adult Terry said to Big Terry. “You know you’re an aberration. I’m the true path for Terry..”

“You’re nothing more than a lonely freak. He would be better off dead than..”

“Wait WAIT!!!” Teen Terry yelled. “Oh my god, how is this happening. What did you say about my parents throwing me out of the house? My Dad dying…”

“You tell your..”

“Shut the fuck up, I’ll tell him.” Big Terry said snapping an order at Adult Terry that more than hinted to his years in the service. The tears that started coming to his eyes didn’t though. “Terry.. it’s true. When you… when I got home from …being with Jake I talked to my Mom. You were thinking about doing that right?”

“Yea, I’ve always been able to talk to her. And my Dad.”

“Well, uuummm yea, ahhh this turns out to be something they didn’t want to hear. Shocked the hell out of me. I didn’t think they’d throw me coming out party.” Big Terry said with a little laugh and wiping a tear away. “But they freaked completely on me. And as bad as Mom was…Dad……. I had to leave that evening. Not even Jake would take me in for fear of his folks finding out and doing the same thing. I was….you are 18, that’s an adult so the cops couldn’t help either. After a few days I made my way to the Marines recruitment center downtown and signed up. But Terry I told you, tough times are coming but it gets better. Mom and I have repaired our relationship, everything is fine and…”

“And Dad died hating you.”

“At least my Dad died knowing who I AM! “

“Well that really balances everything out. ‘Tough time’. Terry does this look like someone who has just gone through ‘tough times’? A face medics have had to replace back together so many times he’s had to grow a beard to cover the missing pieces. And that body. You haven’t been in the Maries for over a decade so why keep this up? Cause only as a whore on the streets of LA would you need all this” Adult Terry said slapping Big Terry’s chest so it sounded like a dull beat of a drum.

“Don’t fucking lie, I’m not a whore.”

“Who else would have this body? What type of job requires someone to look like this? You’ve got no education, you’re coming out stopped any chance of that!! Your years in the service only taught you how to serve others! So what would you call it if not a whore? Fitness Instructor? Do you even have a bank account? Do you even have a permanent address?”

“Terry don’t listen to him, he’d just a bitter old Queen who…”

“You know what happened when I went home after today Terry?” Adult Terry said locking his eyes on Teen Terry. “ I kept my mouth shut. I picked up the mail and found a load colleges that sent me acceptance letters. My grades allowed me to pick where I went cause they were begging for my BRAIN, not my ass! I wasn’t even through with my third year before the government came to me offering me the world to work for them.”

“All you had to do was live a lie and sell you soul.”

“All I had to do Terry was not tell my parents something that wasn’t their business anyway. And allow the genius we were destined to be live. How do you think I was able to do this. Come back to save you… save us? I created the machined that would give me access to the timeline. It’s what the government got me out of college to create for them. How this loser showed up is beyond me but thank god we found out in time to save you..”

“I found out because I still have friends in the military. This ‘invention’ you came up with just happens to exist in my time line too so… just sort of funny how that can happen if you weren’t around to ‘invent’ it , now ain’t it? Couldn’t be you broke into the system to use the machine for your own good now could it? That you’re nothing more than a low level programmer who’s so closeted that he breached the time barrier to ensure his stayed closed forever? Or have you even had another relationship since Jake?”

“What I do with my…”

“AH! Knew it!! Almost 40 years old and you still think denying who you are is going to save the world.”

“Better than being a 40 year old cock whore. For all your fucking around where’s it got you? You’re just as lonely as I am. You life doesn’t’ lead to love, just carnal sex”

“I would have….but for all my attempts to stop it…you’re still in here.” Big Terry said tapping his thick forehead with a callused finger. “As free as I am of the shame you feel every waking hour, there’s still that voice that makes me push people away because I’m not worthy.”

“Cause you’re not.”

“No, you’re very wrong. I know it and this young man knows it. We are worthy of love. And when he finds it, when he finds Miguel he’ll now know to hold on. Cause this ends it. No more split decisions. Once he picks the right path there will just be either you or me for him to grow into. And he won’t have you telling him he’s not worthy of another man’s love like I kept hearing in the back of my mind.”

“Oh so it’s just all my fault. Boo hoo. Big man doesn’t have the balls to admit he lives a life of decadence that doesn’t allow for anyone else but the fuck toy in the mirror. If you heard my voice all these years, why haven’t I heard you?”

“You have, dick weed. At night, all alone in your little room. You hear my laughter. You hear my groans of pleasure. You smell my sweat. You feel my muscles grow. You grab the roll of toilet paper you keep next to your bed but NOTHING come out does it? King of the dry ejaculation. Cause you can only, literally DREAM of what it’s like to be all this.”

The two older men had been arguing back and forth so intensely that they didn’t notice how far Teen Terry had been able to move his chair away from the table. His breathing had continued to get shallower and shallower with each turn of the conversation. It was all too much for him to take it. The two voices so different but the same taking such polar opposite stand on what he was going to do with his life.

Seeing a break Teen Terry got up suddenly and ran. Didn’t look back even when he heard the chairs the other two men had been sitting up suddenly slide across the food court’s floor. They must have gotten up to follow him. To catch him, tell him more of how fucked up his life was going to get.

Teen Terry made it to his car out in the parking lot and tore out for home. His mind still reeling for what had happened.

What was he to do? It would all start the second he walked through the door.

Did he talk to his Mom, get thrown out of the house and become a muscle bound thug? Well he didn’t say he was a whore it was the other guy. But the muscle guy didn’t deny anything. Christ, he had the body of a god but that face. And a Marine? Could he do that? And oh my God if he did that, tonight TONIGHT he would be homeless. Within hours he would be on the street. Alone. His Father hating him. Tonight. Till he died his Father would hate him. But the guy said it all turned out alright. He sure looked happy till the other guy showed up.

And that other guy!! How could he become such a tool!! Yea, science meant a lot to him, it was his best subject. But to live for nothing else? Terry had only just begun to explore these queer feelings, they were so strong. Now he would have to lock them away, let them continue to haunt him the rest of his life. In exchange for what? Well a warm bed tonight. A college education. A life that would set him up so that maybe one day he could find the happiness he longed for if he would only face who he really was.

Teen Terry pulled into the drive way of his parents house. He thought of sitting for a while and thinking but suddenly two more cars pulled up in front of the house. His other selves must have followed him. They weren’t going to let this go. They’d have to know he had decided what to do. One of them might try to stop him. Or both. Teen Terry got out of the car and walked quickly to the house. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw the bodybuilder and the business man start to make their way up the yard to him. He could tell they were running fast. Teen Terry ran for the front door. His feet making the floorboards on the huge front porch of the house groan with his heavy footsteps. As he touched the doorknob of the front door something came over him, a relief. He turned around to see there were no cars parked out in front of his house. No men running up the yard after him. He turned the knob and entered his parent’s house.

20 years later Terry pulled up to his Mother’s house to find her just coming outside to sit on the front porch. It was a hot summer and that was the perfect placed to spend the late afternoon. He walked up the yard to join her, a broad smile crossed her face when she saw him coning up the steps. It was the look of true love only a Mother could have for her child.

“Well that was fast. I thought you would be all day at that lab on the base. Did you get everything done?”

“I sure did.”

“Well that’s good. Miguel’s bringing the tea. Such a nice boy. “

“Mother. Do either Miguel or I look like ‘boys’ to you?” Terry said going into a double bicep pose for her.

“Oh you know what I mean.”

The screen door slammed shut as a equally huge but Latino bodybuilder joined them on the deck. His brown arms carrying a silver serving try with a large pitcher of ice tea and a couple of glasses.

“Hey baby, you’re back. I’ll go get you a glass.”

“No, that’s OK, we’ll share.” Terry said placing the try on the small table in front of his Mother. He grabbed onto this other man like he had never grabbed onto anyone ever before. The two men locked mouths on each other, hands grabbing each other’s back, then lowering to the round asses pressing against their almost matching cut off.

“I think I‘m being very progressive and open minded by not saying a word as my son kisses another man on my front porch I’ll have you notice.” Terry’s mother said pouring the tea into the glasses.

“Yes Mother, you’re showing great strides.” Terry said breaking the kiss but not taking his eyes off of Miguel.

“You didn’t answer my question. Did you get everything taken care of on the base that your friends had you come all the way out here for.”

“It’s taken care of. Might not be perfect. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Terry said before going in for another long kiss.

[Ender]

Cool story... Of course the world it ends in is neither of the worlds Terry's future selves came from...

Ender

[Leminnes]

The only thing that bothers me about this story is you didn't really explain what Teen Terry did. I love it otherwise.

[Mad Dog]

Yeah, ending was confusing. But I loved the idea you based it on.

[omelissokomos]

This would make such a great Twilight Zone episode. I'm trying to think which actors (or maybe just one) could fill in the roles of Teen Terry, Big Terry and Adult Terry respectively.

[Yachirobi]

I love/hate the European ending. So many places the mind can go.

However, the dialogue was a little confusing at times.

[Texzilla]

Sorry, I actually thought that going into great detail as to which future Terry would pick would have been taking up space with the too obvious ending. I mean, between picking being muscle bound Big Terry or miserable Adult Terry....... what was the name of this web site again? Oh well, I do appreciate the feedback. Just thought I'd try something different.

[Ender]

Time travel, parallel universes, and alternate realities are tricky things to conceive and trickier to write that other other actually understand the relationships that you envisioned...

I think the key is to think through the histories of each alternate reality and work out how each version of a character came it to being and how the became aware of the alternate timeline...

For a short one shot story you don't to go too deep... The less detailed information you give the easier it is to suspend belief... Have Terry invent the time travel system a detai that is a problem as you found...

The reason I suggested that the story ends in a future other than that of Big Terry or Adult Terry is that what ever choice Teen Terry had made by the time he touched the door eliminated both of his future selfs that were following him... they're gone when he turned a round... Ergo... not door #1, or door #2, but door #3... although door #3 looks a bit like door #1.

Ender

[Texzilla]

Been trying to write a couple of responses to a few of the points being brought up, mainly in some private messags I've gotten. But it's getting longer than the story. And defeating the point I'm trying to make in the response.

Basically, I like stories that don't hit me over explaining everything. Whether it's this 'European' ending that's mentioned or bad writing I like stories that let me fill in some of the blanks. So that's what I write. I didn't think details were needed as to the origin of the time machine. I tried to hint that while Adult Terry said he created it, that it also being in the reality of Big Terry's world proved he didn't.

I didn't think the ending needed to be a big TA-DA it's BIG TERRY that WON!! If this was "Fuzzy Bunny Anthropromorhic Evolution Archive" and the choices Terry had to pick from was turning into Bugs Bunny or the Trix Rabbit, then yea, more of a reveal would be in order. But I kind of figured everyone would know where this was heading so why make it seem like a mystery as to which Terry was walking up the lawn at the end? The purpose of both men going back in time WAS to create a third reality. Big Terry says that when Teen Terry picks a path it will be either one or the other, suggesting the subconcious tampering both men were doing to each other would end. The main thing that Big Terry needed to fix was getting Adult Terry's self hating out of his head. Which is why I dropped the 'Miguel' name in Big Terry's dialouge as someone he loved but let go due to Adult Terry's negative influence. So having Miguel show up in the end wasn't suppose to show which of the paths that Teen Tery took, but that Big Terry was able to live a happier life and find true love. Oh, and to have two bodybuilders kissing, I like kissing scenes. Big Terry's comment of "It's not perfect.." and the father not being there was suppose suggest that his Father still died not accepting him. I didn't think that was a big enough plot point that it needed to be gone into detail about while wrapping up the story. If people got it, they got it, if not, I would hope it wouldn't have a negative effect on their understanding the story.

Again, WAY too long of an explantion here. Just suppose to be a fun story of showing a teen picking being a muscle bound hunk instead of a closeted prick even if he knew how much pain it would bring him, and finding some love and acceptance along the way.

[nj.]

I think it was put together pretty well. The finishing wasn't too great (sloppy style), but a cool story nonetheless

[dan25]

Great story---really enjoyed it!! Thanks!!

[funboy]

Texzilla - you are making too much of the comments and geting defensive. It was a good, short story. The comments (at least most of them as far as I can tell) were meant to be constructive. If you don't welcome that, then don't post here- it's the nature of the site and it's that simple. Not trying to be rude - make of it what you choose.

[Texzilla]

I just don't know how to respond to someone who tells me maybe I shouldn't post here any longer without it sounding defensive. Countering with "Maybe I will" is too school yard and takes too much time away from recess when we could be playing on the swings. I never said the comments weren't constructive or weren't welcomed, but the large number of comments made that the ending wasn't clear needed to be addressed. Just tried to explain the ending without rewriting the original story. Nothing more, nothing less. If it came off as defensive, well, maybe you're reading too much into my response. Not that I don't love this board and like writing but I don't take any of this seriously enough to get 'defensive'. I'm certainly taking these comments to heart as I write the next chapters of the "Full Moon and Muscle" story. I think it's plot is much more detailed and will take several more curves. But it would be a waste of time for me, and for everyone else, to post something that is as confusing to people as this simple little story was. So I do appreciate people letting me know about the ending since it'll help a story I have much more time and effort invested in, which is as constructive as I think I can get.

[Ender]

Like I said writting time travel/alternate reality is tricky...and is tricky too... so people may get confused in the end...

You setup a third reality when Big Terry talks about this time Teen Terry should hold on to Miguel when he finds him... isn't that what happens? So the Big Terry at the end isn't really the same Big Terry that gave him the advise... similiar but different...

Like at the end of Back to the Future part1... Marky runs to the mall (now "Lone Pine Mall", not the "Twin Pines Mall" at the begining) and sees a replay of the start of his trip to the past... the present the Marty returns to is a different present then he left... Doc Brown and Marty's family a not the ones he left... So the Marty that goes into the travels into time from the Lone Pine Mall is not the same Marty that left the Twin Pines Mall... (Lone Pines Marty had a truck and a camping date planned for the next day... Twin Pines Marty plans had been wreaked with his family's one car...

My suggestion that Adult Terry shouldn't be the inventor of time travel is based on the theory that it sets up possible pradoxes... Having a third party invent it... insures that both furture Terrys will have access to the technology when needed. It's okay for him to be involved but not as the prime mover...

Like I said it's a cool story. I didn't mean to offend, I'm just into that sort of story more than is good for me...

Ender

[Lucas88]

"Just a one shot story..." - okay, so I'm not going to get to read all the juicy details as Terry grows into a muscle hunk or a bitter old queen...you warned me.

"...and it starts after the sex..." - more "juicy" details (yeah, I really wrote that) I'm not gonna get...you warned me.

"...Trying something different..." - no muscle growth scene, no sex scene, BUT...an interesting and creative twist on giving a character an opportunity to see just how his choices could...emphasis on COULD effect him later in life (and enough muscle thrown in to meet my needs in a short story)...you warned me.

"...let me know if it works..." - IT WORKS. If you decide to make a multi-chapter novel out of it at a later date, I wouldn't complain. But as it stands, I agree with Mr. O...it would make a great TwilightZone episode (especially if Frank McGrath plays the big guy ??? Maybe he's got a kid brother or cousin to play the Teen Terry??? One can hope!)! You obviously enjoy writing and from all the work you've put out for this site, I for one thank you. Do what you enjoy and screw the thought police. Life is too short.