Halloween candy: "The Quick Rewrite"

[tortolis]

Here's a sketch in honor of the day.

The Quick Rewrite

I had never been near a movie set when I got the gig for an "additional-dialogue-by" credit. The friend they originally had in mind was in Japan, no doubt on a similar assignment ? a low-budget horror spoof. I was reluctant, but he pleaded. "I like these people," he said. "And you never know what will happen. Whatever you expect, it'll be the opposite." This was no help. As far as I could tell, most of his income came from options on films that never get made. It was a world I couldn't even imagine.

"Really, why me? The only scripts I've done have been for training films, safety, sex discrimination. Your pension and you." No need for that anymore in today's economy.

"Just show up," he said. "I already told them you would." I figured it might be an adventure, and in a way, it was. The production was set up not in a legit sound stage, but in a sublet airplane hangar at Miles Deloitte Airfield, with sets that were vintage Transylvanian castle. The director was someone named Bobby Ahrens, who turned out to be a woman ? smart, funny and manic, with short dark hair and bright eyes. "You read the script?" she asked me.

"Well, yeah, but to tell you the truth I found it hard to follow. It's a movie within a movie?"

"Exactly, an envelope story about a director shooting a horror movie. That would be Larry Tully playing the director, Ingmar von Schnee. Cute name, right?" That'll give you some idea; they weren't holding back. Larry was wearing jodhpurs and holding a riding crop.

"And you need The Avenger's dialogue rewritten? I didn't see that he had any lines to begin with."

"Yeah, that's just it. I think The Avenger has more screen time than anyone else and when you see the rushes it just kind of drags. We have these walk-the-hall scenes where we track him and we thought there would be tension, but there isn't any. I'm thinking we need to give him something to say, or maybe work in a voice-over narration. But who, that's the question. We need some fresh eyes and a scribe."

They were filming a walk-the-halls scene and wanted me to see it. Here's how it went, starting, yes, with a clapboard in the hands of some flunky who announced "walk-the-halls 5, take 2:" Ingmar von Schnee paces the floor, vibrating with anger and impatience. Two cute blonde girls come skipping through what appears to be a corridor with torch sconces. A young man enters wearing a blazer and carrying a tennis racquet, calling out "Monica? Monica?" He leaves for a moment and reappears. Then in comes The Avenger with a sort of lumbering gait. Everyone up until then was beautiful, but this guy was superhuman. At least six-foot-four, incredible muscles, broad shoulders with delts like coconuts and huge chest and arms, every inch of him cabled with muscles, and of course the mandatory Hollywood abs. Actually, they were real abs, not Hollywood abs. All the muscled-up Hollywood actors I'd ever seen suddenly seemed counterfeit. His facial features are what the agencies would call "regular," but trust me, no one was looking at them. He was wearing ? get this ? authentic lederhosen, suspenders and all, no shirt, open hiking boots with no laces. Tennis guy looks at him and appears terrified, no method acting required. He cries out "What have you done with Monica?" The Avenger does not appear to react. "What have you done with her? Tell me!" And then he takes his tennis racquet and starts beating on The Avenger with it. The Avenger does not react to the blows in any way. He turns and walks out. And cut.

"Holy shit," I said. "Where'd you get him?"

"I know, right?" said Bobby Ahrens. "The camera loves him. But it's not working."

"You've made him an automaton," I said. "If you want him to stay that way, you can't give him lines. What about making him more of a person? Then we can give him some dialogue."

"Let's try that first," said Bobby. "If it gets too complicated we'll try voice-over instead."

It was like old Hollywood. They gave me a room with a laptop and a printer and I had ten revised script pages in less than two hours. Here's how take 3 of walk-the-halls 5 went: Ingmar von Schnee sit in his director's chair reading a magazine and registering annoyance. In come the two blonde girls, then the guy in the blazer, and then The Avenger walking, not lumbering, with his thumbs hooked in the waist of his lederhosen. He feels one bicep with the opposite hand and half-smiles. Tennis guy comes back and confronts The Avenger. "What have you done with Monica?" he asks. Then he punches him in the jaw, hurting his hand. The Avenger grins. Then Tennis guy clasps his injured hand and swings both at The Avenger's stomach. The Avenger does not react except with a smirk and a laugh. "Where is she?" shouts tennis guy. "She's waiting for me," says The Avenger, calmly smiling. "Eagerly, I might add." And cut.

"Wow," I said, "they picked it right up, didn't they? How did they make the fighting look so real? Do you have a fight coach?"

"No," said Bobby Ahrens. "The actor who plays The Avenger is?it's not really possible to hurt him. At least, we've never done it. The original Boyfriend Two broke his hand on his chest."

"So what did you think?"

"I'll have to see the rushes to be sure, but I think I love it. In fact, I think I love-love it. I want you to go through the whole script and rewrite as needed. We can intercut what we need."

In the coming days we played up the comic aspects of the script much more, in addition to making a real character out of The Avenger. The actor, Kurt something, turned out to be a pretty decent with deadpan comedy. In one scene the girls are behind him giggling while their erstwhile Boyfriends can't get beyond him, like a game of keep-away. The Boyfriends punch him in unison: no reaction. And then, a delayed "ouch." They alternate punching him. "Oh dear," he says, "so painful." Then he simply stands with his legs apart, puts his hands on his hips, raises one arm in a bicep flex, and raises his eyebrows with a questioning look. The boys go running. The Avenger smirks. As far as Bobby Ahrens was concerned, the shoot had come alive.

I said, "We've got to do more with The Avenger, I think. Have you got a third girl?"

"She got cut," said Bobby. "Actually, we've got Girls Three, Four and Five."

I wanted something more serious to contrast with the giggly Monica and her giggly sidekick. In walk-the-halls 6 we had a scholarly-looking brunette who was doing her dissertation on Transylvanian legends, but who was beautiful when she took off her glasses, and whose boyfriend feared for her safety. When she encountered The Avenger in the hallway, she sniffed and simply tried to walk past, but was within the reach of The Avenger's incredible arms, one of which simply enfolded her. Close up on the arm. Early in the shot you think the muscles are bulging, but it turns out they are relaxed. Because when he flexes them, they go from simply looking rigid to looking like carved stone that nothing ? nothing ? could budge. Close up of her hands, which move up to The Avenger's upper arm. She claws at it. She digs into it with her fingernails. She scratches it desperately. Her fingernails barely make an impression in the adamantine hardness. Close-up of her face, looking not so much fearful as confused. Close-up of The Avenger's face, smiling. "I'm very strong," he says. "Stronger than you could possibly imagine. You can't escape from me. But do you really want to?" The concerned Boyfriend enters, wild-eyed; with wire-rims and short hair, he's probably a classmate. "Let her go!" he shouts. "Let her go!" He punches The Avenger in the face. The Avenger does not move, evinces no reaction. Boyfriend grabs The Avenger's lower arm, which is wrapped around Girl Three above her waist, and pulls desperately. It does not move; The Avenger smiles. "People hereabouts think this castle is dangerous," he says. "I was just offering the lady some protection. The best possible protection, in fact. But I'm happy to release her to your care." When he opens his arm so Girl Three can walk away, she continues to hold onto him for a few moments.

"I love what you've done with the character of The Avenger," Bobby Ahrens told me after this scene. She didn't have the budget for elaborate effects and safety precautions, but in one scene we called "the orgy" you'd think she did. It takes place at a lake, very picturesque, supposedly on the grounds of the castle. There's a slow shot of The Avenger as he rises from the water and it cascades down his rippling musculature, ? neck, then shoulders, then chest. He's still wearing his lederhosen even in the water, for the sake of the ratings, though Kurt was willing to do full frontal. The water streams down the channels of his incredible legs. Then the camera pans back up his torso and it turns out the girls are hanging onto his back as he walks toward the shore, apparently not aware of their weight. Now there are three of them ? Girl Three has joined the party. Then the three boyfriends jump into the lake in their underwear and jump onto his front, and he just continues walking onto land with all six of them hanging onto him. (This took about a million takes because actors had trouble holding onto The Avenger while he was wet, but the way it's edited, he appears just to walk out of the lake nonchalantly with six literal hangers-on.)"Excuse me, girls," he says, "this won't take a minute. I'll be right back." The girls drop off of him, giggling, and he grabs the boyfriends by their waistbands one at a time and simply tosses them back into the lake one-handed. And they go arcing into the air and splash down maybe 30 feet from shore, maybe 50 feet. It had to be safe and have enough air time to make a really cool shot.

I wrote Bobby Ahrens into the new ending, which she loved. Here's how it goes: director Ingmar von Schnee is shown directing the final scene of his horror epic, pacing up and down, swinging his riding crop. Tennis guy goes running through the ancient corridor. "They must die," gasps Schnee, "all of them. You're going to find them all, starting with him. People must learn these things! You're going to find him and kill him. Nothing can stop you." But The Avenger stops. "Go!" shouts Schnee. "You're implacable! You're unstoppable!" Then, unexpectedly, The Avenger turns and starts lumbering toward Schnee. "No, you fool, him!" shouts Schnee. "After him, you imbecile! Find him! Kill him!" Schnee works his eyebrows and his nostrils like Valentino. "Not me! Him!" But The Avenger picks up Schnee with one hand under his chin ? this was an elaborate shot, Schnee had to wear a neckpiece and it couldn't show on camera. Then, with The Avenger holding Schnee in the air with one hand, he flexes the other bicep as Schnee writhes and then goes limp. Bobby Ahrens leaps onto him with her legs around his waist, and she grabs the muscle with both hands as Schnee remains dangling in the air. "My Avenger," she moans, "my own Avenger." Close-up of the bicep, with her massaging and kneading but barely making a dent. "And cut," says The Avenger. "Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. That is a wrap."

[beachdude]

very hot!!!