The World of Iravia: Part Two The Cave

[GodlyFratboy]

Ok I'll go.

Good now follow me.

He followed the fresidine even farther into the forest than that of what he ever imagined. Garet tried to remember a route back but the treck was too much for him to memorize. It was about midday when they came upon the Sederns. A dense mountain range that ranges from the bottom of the continent and cuts the continent in half.

I've never seen them up close. Garet thought

They are what looms and watches over this land. said the fresidine

Finally they stopped upon a cave. It looked to be an almost unoticable to the normal eye but when looked for it can be seen.

Go in. said the fresidine

Garet went inside that dark cave and saw it was much larger than it appeared. On the inside he saw a large glowing rock.


Touch it

Ok

Garet touched the rock and he heard a different voice in his head. Much deeper like the voice of an ancient.

Garet of no tribe i give you the power to watch over this land and protect its people from invasion.

Then he felt a sort of tingle and he watched in awe as his body grow huge. Bigger than anyone he has ever seen a person.

You are our only hope.

[funboy]

A paragraph or so at each posting, does not a story make.

[peachiekeen]

you should feel honored, this is the first post I've ever actually made on here, and I wouldn't have made it if not for your story. I was gonna leave it alone, but the english major in me just couldn't resist. Your story has a lot of potential, but you've got a few major flaws in here. First, I agree with Funboy, your posts are too short, and should be condensed into maybe one page, if you feel the need to break a story into different posts, they need to be longer, and everything just moves along to fast. You need to devote a bit more time to plot and character development and making your dialogue sounds less choppy. Before you add in a line, say it out loud and see if it's something you would say or the way you would say it. Speak the line the way you would first, then put it in the story that way and it'll sound a bit more natural.