Of mind in pursuit of muscle and self image...

[Ender]

Hi guys... I want to apologies to any one I may have pissed off recently... I've been trying to work through some issues over the past few months. I'm not sure of what success I've had at this point I'm still picking through the ruins to salvage what I can, what needs to be treated a hazardous material to be locked away in Yucca Mountain and what's safe for use as landfill. The inside of my head is very messy right now... I had been extremely depressed for a long time... I few months back I finally worked up enough energy have my medication looked at, the last time was about seven years ago... It keeps me from digging a hole, crawling in and then pulling it in behind me. I wasn't being as affective as it had been, I have dug the hole, crawled in and was starting to work on how to pull it in...

I'm on some different meds now and am out of the hole... It was very deep and well constructed with very well though out design so getting out difficult and painful. Even in trying to bury myself I do quality work. Now that I'm out I don't want to go there again... Ever!! And I have the motivation to actively do something to prevent it... whether it is the right course of action I don't know...but is a goal I have pursued for so long I can't remember ever not wanting it... I want my body to outwardly reflect the was I would choose the world to see me and I see myself in my fantasies.

You're right... The image I want to see in the mirror is my 5'5" gymnast 150lb +/- 30lb waist <31" and low enough body fat that his ab's and most other muscle groups stand out in sharp relief though skin a rich golden tan with very little/no body hair... (I see him in his late teens to early twenties I think because I figured that if I wasn't going to grow up to be him there really wasn't any point to growing up and became Peter Pan or at least on of the lost boys in a sense...

That is all 100% do-able, I know it because (with the except of being able to pose for an anatomy chart) I've do it or gotten so close before my world crumbled it was obvious the I would have with a bit more time... Not just once but repeatedly over the last 30 years...I have picture myself to prove (not on the machine I'm writing this over but if you want I can post the later) I get so close I can taste it only to have something happen and my world start to crumble and can only watch as all the hard work, sweat, pain slip through my fingers and down the drain...

I am so fucking sick and tired of working so fucking hard only to have something I can't control rip it all away from me... and leave my life in shambles...

My current theory of why I fail is that I can and given time will became my gymnast self image and I can and will keep it as long as I stay foused on re-enforced that image of myself but I haven't been able to get the jockboy self image to replace the chubby nerd image as the default,,, so when my attention is pulled away from getting and maintaining the jock boy body long enough things start to revert to chubby nerd again...

Any thoughts comments suggestions counter theories are weclome. I'm going the go for it again and like it always does "shit will happen" but this time I want to keep my gains, during the shit storm, or even better continue to make gains...

Thanks guys...

Ender... soon to be jock boy

[b.spencer]

Hi Ender,

I noticed in some of your posts that it looked like you were going through a few issues. I've dug those holes pretty deep myself. I can only speak for myself, but here's what has helped me so far.

First, the jock boy personality, as you call him, is already there; it's the real you and it wants out. If it didn't, you wouldn't keep coming back to it over and over. You wouldn't be depressed because it isn't out in the open. The other part is the mask. Sure, it will still come out from time to time. But don't be afraid to let the old "comfortable" persona go and let the real you come through. As much as the gym will change you physically, remember that every rep you do will change your personality too. Don't fight it. You'll never be some of those self-absorbed gym pricks.

I hope that this doesn't sound too "out there" or as if I have a split personality. I believe that the "fantasy" vision of yourself is incredibly important. It really doesn't matter if is is possible attainable or not. I have a fantasy self who I compare my real self to constantly. He helps form my short term goals and plan workouts in the gym and helps me evaluate my long term goals. For me, he's 6'0 230 lbs, 6% BF, looks 20 when he's really 32. It all depends on how you use that vision. Will you use it to improve the real you 'the jock boy reaction', or will you use it to beat yourself up with ' the old you reaction'? It's gotta be the first.

Second, when the shit storm comes, rather than pull away from the gym, channel the anger and frustration into the gym. Iron and steel can take the anger much better than flesh and blood and mind. And it puts you even closer to your goals. Those moments are when the "jock boy" is at his best. I always seem to have my best days, when some unforeseen catastrophe hits in real life. The shit storm becomes something to conquer, just like the next weight or exercise is. The anger drives me to push harder, get that extra rep, extra 5 lbs, whatever. Don't pull back from the storm, conquer it. Use it to your advantage. And use the gym to do it.

It takes time for the self-image to change, but you can do it. Like I've said elsewhere, the guy in the mirror surprises me still. But, damn it, I like him so much more than the old slug I used to be. What we -- and everyone else in the gym who is seriou -- are doing reminds me very much of the famous quote from Michelangelo. ?In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.? You've seen and know the perfect statue inside of you. All you have to do is hew away the walls that imprison him so that we all can see him. You can do it.

[Ender]

Not that it really matters to any one other me but as of last Friday 28Sep2007 I've been hitting the gym about 5 days a week for a month now... and I've dropped another 10lb in addition to the 50lb I had dropped (in what I know is a totally stupid way, not eating.) What I am a bit proud of is that I dropped my body fat level from 38% measured when I signed up at the gym to 28% on Friday. The reason I think is neat is tha if the measurements are right I lost closer to 20lb of fat and gained almost 10lb of lean mass (muscle) and I really think I can see the difference. I can see some definition between my biceps, triceps and delts and I have some separation between my obliqs and the rectus abs. But it could just be wishful thinking but I really think the waist of my pants is looser and the arms, shoulders, back, and chest of my shirts are a bit snugger. I think I actually empressed my trainer when he read the gizmo...

Maybe when I like what I see in the better than I do now I will post a couple of progress pics...

Ender

[jed]

That is one impressive and generous response B. Spencer. To stumble on such a fine person and contribution on my first day in this forum imakes my day here in blustery CT. I am looking to explore muscle and mind and me by spending some time here. Not sure how it works or how to approach it. but, again, you are one stellar man. Hang in there ender...and keep listening to B. Spencer, he has a lot to offer you.. peace in muscle, Jed

b.spencer

Hi Ender,

I noticed in some of your posts that it looked like you were going through a few issues. I've dug those holes pretty deep myself. I can only speak for myself, but here's what has helped me so far.

First, the jock boy personality, as you call him, is already there; it's the real you and it wants out. If it didn't, you wouldn't keep coming back to it over and over. You wouldn't be depressed because it isn't out in the open. The other part is the mask. Sure, it will still come out from time to time. But don't be afraid to let the old "comfortable" persona go and let the real you come through. As much as the gym will change you physically, remember that every rep you do will change your personality too. Don't fight it. You'll never be some of those self-absorbed gym pricks.

I hope that this doesn't sound too "out there" or as if I have a split personality. I believe that the "fantasy" vision of yourself is incredibly important. It really doesn't matter if is is possible attainable or not. I have a fantasy self who I compare my real self to constantly. He helps form my short term goals and plan workouts in the gym and helps me evaluate my long term goals. For me, he's 6'0 230 lbs, 6% BF, looks 20 when he's really 32. It all depends on how you use that vision. Will you use it to improve the real you 'the jock boy reaction', or will you use it to beat yourself up with ' the old you reaction'? It's gotta be the first.

Second, when the shit storm comes, rather than pull away from the gym, channel the anger and frustration into the gym. Iron and steel can take the anger much better than flesh and blood and mind. And it puts you even closer to your goals. Those moments are when the "jock boy" is at his best. I always seem to have my best days, when some unforeseen catastrophe hits in real life. The shit storm becomes something to conquer, just like the next weight or exercise is. The anger drives me to push harder, get that extra rep, extra 5 lbs, whatever. Don't pull back from the storm, conquer it. Use it to your advantage. And use the gym to do it.

It takes time for the self-image to change, but you can do it. Like I've said elsewhere, the guy in the mirror surprises me still. But, damn it, I like him so much more than the old slug I used to be. What we -- and everyone else in the gym who is seriou -- are doing reminds me very much of the famous quote from Michelangelo. ?In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.? You've seen and know the perfect statue inside of you. All you have to do is hew away the walls that imprison him so that we all can see him. You can do it.[/quote]