Xirua Part 1

[IAmDaMan666]

( Warning. The series will contain heterosexual sex, nude bodies, swears, and scenes that may be disturbing to some readers. If you are looking at this, then you are most likely above 18. )

Hello, people. I had an idea, and this is 'fantasy', right? I am going to be posting about two draconian tribes at war, with an ore called Scepnia ( Sep-nee-ah. ). It enhances size, muscular definition, and sometimes, other things. The two tribes are the Jurian Counsel, and the Reptual Tribe. Reptual Tribe being the meaner one, of course.

Enjoy. I am not sure how many parts there will be, but it won't be overly long to the point it gets dull.

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Ah, the world... a ground for lust, revenge, and power. That's all the draconians ever want, anyways. Power. More of it. Hell, I've seen someone with so much power that it was disturbing. But you're not interested in that. Are you? You are? Well, in that case, you will observe the wonders - if you can call them that - of the world.

Scepnia. The dominant magical ore of the kingdoms. The more you get, the more powerful you are, apparently. It seeps into your skin, and bloodstream. It alters you, your DNA, and you increase in proportions. Scary. I remember when I had a minor encounter with Scepnia...



"Where are we?" I asked my comrade, Hialu.

"We are in a cave, numbskull. I want to show you something." Hialu retorted. His snout smoked with anticipation. He was holding some purple glowing object, shrouded in tan cloth.

"May I ask what that is?" I requested of Hialu.

"You'll see." came a quick response.

He carefully opened it, and the object lit up the cave.

It was Scepnia. It was a small bit. Really small. Yet it's glow illuminated the whole cave. I had never even heard of Scepnia. I had the want to hold it.

"It's Scepnia," Hialu said, repeating the narration. "the one thing in the world that makes the world go round." He snickered. Instinctively, I reached for it. It looked luring, taunting me with it.

"No!! What are you doing?!" Hialu yelled at me. I had the ore in my hand, and I was looking at it, confusedly. It was a very strange little piece of ore I had. But it seemed to fog. My hand felt numb as the ore just seemed to disappear, and vapors seeped into my thin scales.

"Woah. What happened to it?" I questioned the air.

"You tell me! You owe me Scepnia now, Xinium!" Hialu growled at me. Seriously, he did growl at me. But all of a sudden, I felt dazed.

"Woah..." Hialu breathed.

I all of a sudden felt numb everywhere. My clothes started getting a bit tighter, and all I had was a tan-colored robe. I kept feeling stronger, but I didn't get what happened. Tighter, and tighter. All of a sudden, I had to look down a bit when I looked at Hialu. I inspected myself, and all of a sudden, I was in awe.

I had increased in size, for sure! My arms had expanded. I flexed, and I seemed to have a decent bicep size there. My pecs were lightly pushing against my robe. I quickly peer under my robe to see, and more was sure to follow. My pecs had inflated a bit, and my abs had formed a small bit. My undergarment had a bulge, for sure, but I wasn't stimulated. My legs had surely widened, as they appeared to have altered themselves as well.

"Er, what happened to me?" I asked Hialu.

"No idea... but I like it!" Hialu responded, once again.



5 years later, I am back. I am of the Jurian counsel, and Hialu has gone somewhere else. I haven't seen him since that incident.

All of a sudden, I hear yells in a field. I blink, and spread my azure wings to the location of the commotion. I almost puked in my throat.

A titanic black draconian was raping a much smaller, helpless female draconian. The female wasn't all much to look at, but she seemed to be enjoying the 'ride', yet hating it even more. The massive black dragon's cock was clearly bigger than it should be. He was about thirty feet, and his cock must have been about 2-4. It was pretty damn big. But what was more strange, was that the black draconian was intensely ripped. His biceps were incredibly titanic, and his pecs were fully formed. His ab area seemed to have been engraved, as they were impossibly shaped. His legs were very large, plainly put. They looked like they would hold up a mountain.

For some reason, I found myself wanting to be like that. But I shook my head. I flew down at an incredulous speed, and collided myself into the female. The monstrous black draconian roared, as he tried grabbing me, but losing grip of the female. I quickly capture the female draconian, and head far, far away.

After a long, arduous journey, I rested her and me down. She was covered in white goo, supposedly semen, and I was mildly aroused by the look. Here was an average fem-draconian, and I loved it. But I quit those thoughts. She apparently had a tan jacket on the whole time. She took it off, and a bundle of purple ore toppled out of her jacket.

"---ever thank you!!" the woman seemed to be screaming. She was talking this whole time? Oh boy.

"Uh, anytime... but, uh, I don't know who you are, and I need to go... so..." I replied quaintly...

"Oh! But please, take this as my gift!" She quickly thrusted herself towards me, and something struck my chest robes. The ore! The Scepnia seemed to condense into me again.

Not again...

I seemed to be quickly expanding. My robe already begins to rip as I increase in size. I seemed to feel very pleasant everywhere. It was a wonderful feeling, yet I wanted it to stop. My robes ripped at the neck, causing it to peel down to the bottom of the abs. My pecs were enormous, and my biceps were corded, but I kept on going. The robe I had on ripped further, from the bottom. It split in half, as I was fully exposed.

I stopped.

Okay, so quite the predicament. I was incredibly ripped. My eyes were glowing purple, as my biceps seemed to be as wide as my thick neck. My pecs were fully inflated, and then some. My abs were almost perfectly tuned, and my legs were extremely thick. In fact, I liked the look of my legs. Incredibly strong, rock hard! Cool!

Oh yeah, and my cock seemed to have enhanced itself.

This was going to be a long day...

[TheMM]

Interesting so far, I look forward to what you do next.

Only real beefs with this:

Try and proofread a little bit more, I noticed several mistakes.

Also, you jumped kinda quickly into the growth. Try not to do that; it takes away from the story if you just go right into it like that.

Last, you didn't describe much about anybody. The black draconian yes, but that's about it.

[IAmDaMan666]

Bah, sorry. Reading it once over, I do realize I jumped into it a bit fast.
Also I will promise to be more descriptive of the people in Part 2. =)

[13 of Spades]

Building off of what TheMM already said, I noticed a few quirks that are quite fixable.

It was Scepnia. It was a small bit. Really small. Yet it's glow illuminated the whole cave. I had never even heard of Scepnia. I had the want to hold it.

"It's Scepnia," Hialu said, repeating the narration.

I found it odd that you put that repetition in there, and then told us that you repeated yourself. I might suggest excluding "It was Scepnia" in the first paragraph, and keep the description of the physical characteristics and the reaction of the narrator in the first paragraph and then have Hialu speak.

The monstrous black draconian roared, as he tried grabbing me, but losing grip of the female. I quickly capture the female draconian, and head far, far away.

The change in tense, going from passive voice to present voice, threw me off. I don't mind either tense as long as it's consistent. Since this story is a memory of the narrator, as you stat in the prologue-ish section, I suggest just sticking with the passive voice.

TheMM's right about the lack of description. A description of what your protagonist draconians versus the antagonist draconians would be appreciated so that I know what they look like.


I know I'm being picky, but I'm trying to positively provide critique so that you only get better from here. And I definitely see a great potential for this story and other stories you might spin with muscular draconians. There certainly is a niche for that here for some people. *raises hand*

[IAmDaMan666]

Haha, thanks for the criticism. I admit, this is my first story. I promise to be more descriptive in Part 2. Also, I plan on changing to third person, because it is easier for me.

I hope nobody objects. =)

[sexiscriptor]

first, i rather enjoyed this story....i'd rather, perhaps, the narrator "enjoy" himself a bit more as he's filled with such power & size, but i'm cool ;p

Originally Posted by 13 of Spades

The change in tense, going from passive voice to present voice, threw me off. I don't mind either tense as long as it's consistent. Since this story is a memory of the narrator, as you stat in the prologue-ish section, I suggest just sticking with the passive voice.

meanwhile---the active & passive voices are not tenses. nor do they seem to be what you were talking about, which are present and past tense, i suspect, which are, themselves, only the tip of the iceberg as far as tense analysis is concerned but that's another rant ;p

moreover--and now i'm just being a bitch, sorry ;p--if you're going to pick at his tense and quote & exemplify such errors, and recommend consistency, you might as well be consistent yourself and underline both verbs/predicates ;p

Originally Posted by IAmDaMan666

The monstrous black draconian roared, as he tried grabbing me, but losing grip of the female. I quickly capture the female draconian, and head far, far away.

In fact, my bigger point of contention--much bigger than the tense, by far, and i'm a linguistics nerd so one might expect me to care instensely (heh)--is the word "capture". Not just for the semantic issues (is he really "capturing" her if he's "rescuing" her and fully intending on "releasing" her...?), but something in the argument structure just doesn't sit well with me (pardon the lingo, honestly couldn't think of a better substitute; basically, that's how the verb is relating to the other objects in the sentence, but that technical point in itself isn't essential to my point). Effectively I'd have used something more like "grab" or "catch", "seize" even, just to eliminate the clunkiness or whatever it is.

Not that any of this technical stuff much matters to the story, mind you, which would understandably seem more of concern on these forums than technical virtuosity. The story itself is definitely interesting and I would like to read more; the storytelling, though, could use some tinkering? As was suggested before, proofreading is essential to anything posted to the site--it's just that good a practice to employ. So keep an eye on imagery (how things are described) and pace (how fast the story or description or whatever is moving), as well as keeping everything as balanced as you can--which isn't so hard, really. Just ask yourself as you look over your chapters--especially sections you think are crucial--"is this how I want it? is this good enough for me? do i really like this the way it is? what, maybe, could i rework?" and so on, but emphasizing your own satisfaction, really, with your story.

Anyway, as always I've rambled on and on and on, so I'll leave you in peace ;p
~Palmer

[sexiscriptor]

first, i rather enjoyed this story....i'd rather, perhaps, the narrator "enjoy" himself a bit more as he's filled with such power & size, but i'm cool ;p

Originally Posted by 13 of Spades

The change in tense, going from passive voice to present voice, threw me off. I don't mind either tense as long as it's consistent. Since this story is a memory of the narrator, as you stat in the prologue-ish section, I suggest just sticking with the passive voice.

meanwhile---the active & passive voices are not tenses. nor do they seem to be what you were talking about, which are present and past tense, i suspect, which are, themselves, only the tip of the iceberg as far as tense analysis is concerned but that's another rant ;p

moreover--and now i'm just being a bitch, sorry ;p--if you're going to pick at his tense and quote & exemplify such errors, and recommend consistency, you might as well be consistent yourself and underline both verbs/predicates ;p

Originally Posted by IAmDaMan666

The monstrous black draconian roared, as he tried grabbing me, but losing grip of the female. I quickly capture the female draconian, and head far, far away.

In fact, my bigger point of contention--much bigger than the tense, by far, and i'm a linguistics nerd so one might expect me to care instensely (heh)--is the word "capture". Not just for the semantic issues (is he really "capturing" her if he's "rescuing" her and fully intending on "releasing" her...?), but something in the argument structure just doesn't sit well with me (pardon the lingo, honestly couldn't think of a better substitute; basically, that's how the verb is relating to the other objects in the sentence, but that technical point in itself isn't essential to my point). Effectively I'd have used something more like "grab" or "catch", "seize" even, just to eliminate the clunkiness or whatever it is.

Not that any of this technical stuff much matters to the story, mind you, which would understandably seem more of concern on these forums than technical virtuosity. The story itself is definitely interesting and I would like to read more; the storytelling, though, could use some tinkering? As was suggested before, proofreading is essential to anything posted to the site--it's just that good a practice to employ. So keep an eye on imagery (how things are described) and pace (how fast the story or description or whatever is moving), as well as keeping everything as balanced as you can--which isn't so hard, really. Just ask yourself as you look over your chapters--especially sections you think are crucial--"is this how I want it? is this good enough for me? do i really like this the way it is? what, maybe, could i rework?" and so on, but emphasizing your own satisfaction, really, with your story.

Anyway, as always I've rambled on and on and on, so I'll leave you in peace ;p Looks to be a great story and I certainly hope to read more from you!
~Palmer

[IAmDaMan666]

Thanks for the kind review! =)

Some things I am changing are things such as:

-Yes, proofreading (omg!)

-Going to 3rd person. I tried first person, but it doesn't agree with my type of narration.

-I will be keeping the tenses consistent. This Part 1 was... a beta, you could sort of say.


Thank you again!