Agony aunt help me

[anpuZA]

Hi Guys

Maybe this will get some responses, maybe not... I just need to vent.

Okay so I'm going to go back in time and do this chronologically.

2009
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I live in an apartment / flat on my parents property, that is completely apart from the main house. As it is, I'm frustrated, with my job, my pay ($950 a month) and well basically everything. Two of my best friends live in our small town and the rest (which counts about 6) live in suburbs of cape town. On about September 2009, I say to myself I'll be living in a block of flats, in a specific complex, by next year (2010). I repeat this over and over to myself.

Closer to December, one of my friends, who I always thought was a neat, prioritized person, find out he will be kicked out of a boarding room in a house in one of the more questionable suburbs of CT. To put it mildly when I went to sleep over one would here gunshots almost everytime you went and about a block away the whores patrol every corner. Besides that the house has more cockroaches that bricks.

Since I always worry about people I care for, the feeling of urgency redoubles. In October I got contacted by a woman who used to work at the place I was working at in our small town. She said there was a job opening in this firm at a big Cigarette company (inhouse design company).

I applied. By November it was done, I was changing jobs in December. In the meanwhile, this specific friend who I've known for quite a while and whose mum is also a friend of mine, starts looking at a flat in same block of flats I mentioned earlier.

Although initially I told him if he could hold out for at least 4 months, maybe staying with his aunt allowing me to literally save almost my original salary per month! (it was that much of an increase... yeah now I know I got a poker face), I decided to move end november. He needed somebody to split the rent to make it affordable. I needed a change of scenery. But for the most part I did it because he had not really looked at other options, and the one guy who invited him to move into a flat with him (one of his best friends) is also his nemesis and I used to hear a lot about what a filthy douchebag that guy was.

So come december I changed my job and my home. In financial terms it cost me my salary, plus severance, for the first months rent (ahead) and half the rent as a deposit, plus moving, and internet connection, and extra buys like kettle, dry rack and so forth.

I told him from the beginning, I don't mind doing the dishes... he can do it once in a while (say 1 every two days or when I make food), but he can take out the trash I leave that to him. It's not a kinda trade off, because of other things I do.

I was told flat out, that cleaning the flat (sweeping the floors etc.) wasn't going to be a 1 a week thing for him. To hell with once a day... anyway. I took that responsibility as well. He is blond and I am brunette or dark haired. So guess the reason behind why it's my job to clean the bathroom floor? Cause my hair is the only ones you see. So basically, this is the setup.

2010
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I pay half the rent, I pay half the electricity, I have a car - which he has some degree of usage, I pay my part of the internet connectivity bill. I give !000 of my salary towards food, he gives 800. He makes food mostly, thou these days I make dinner every other day almost. I wash my dishes, I wash his dishes. When I didn't do it for 4 days, and after a fight we had about how he just doesnt do his part / or now and again helps with the dishes, he told me I must just leave them, cause I don't give him enough time to react to cleaning them. So, like I said earlier, I left them for 4 days, to the point where the left over rice that had been covered in water started to ferment.

So finally I gave in and did them, then I confronted him. Anyway, that one was a few weeks ago. The other night, as I was preparing to make food for us as well as our friends (2nd time of three times this past week I made food for 4 people) his reply was, well they arent my dishes, but okay I'll wash them.



He had to clean the porch, which he did (after a lot of bitching about the godawful evil spiders and ooooh look how big the mofo's are... Doom, blah blah blah - Oh and he is str8 btw and I'm gay, yet the poor dear can't handle our 8 legged neighbours) Anyway, I asked him to wash off the cat shit that one cat had left there... he brushed it off with the broom and as I saw just a few moments ago, never washed it off.

Okay, screw the chronological system here, it comes down to this - I just cleaned this flat (after leaving it for two weeks) which I do every week (except last week) for the four months we've lived together. I am going to do the dishes soon, and have been doing the dishes for at least 3 months without help (if I add up the amount he's helped with it should cover all of 1 week). Then I'll take a shower and clean up, wake him up (oh yeah he is still sleeping after another long night of Battlefield 2) and ask him if he wants to go eat somewhere and go to the shops. But after last nights little tiff, when we got in, where he told me his mum also thinks it's fucked up of me to act so miserably against him sometimes (I will sometimes disconnect the modem, to get him off his arse, for the irritation value - I have the right to be nasty by now I think - and sometimes, like last night, because one of my downloads was giving parity errors on the DL, well then he just said I was being a bastard and I should grow up etc.)

Oh, hell... I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm just tired and I'm just pissed off at finding out yet again that you can't really rely or trust other people. They tend to just fuck you around in the end.

So, later this year - When our rent contract stops and he leaves for America to work as a Carny. (Which is a joke, since he trained as a graphic designer and is at best described as a slightly muscled twink, but he wants to go because his brother - who dropped out of high school, and owes his mum's BF money for sending him over the 2nd time and owes his Aunt for sending him over a 3rd time, and never brought back any savings though other people were coming back with $10 000 in savings- told him how easy the life is, how much fun it is and how he is going to get laid... that kinda crap.) - I am going to just take the whole load of the rent on my shoulders and live the fuck alone. Cause I am sick of other peoples shit.

This is one friendship, which I really enjoyed and a friend who I really love and at one point trusted so much - that I would've given him access to my bank account, that seems to be running it's course and is going to end pretty soon.

Bleh.

[Mdlftr]

Originally Posted by anpuZA

Hi Guys

Maybe this will get some responses, maybe not... I just need to vent.




Oh, hell... I don't know why I'm posting this, I'm just tired and I'm just pissed off at finding out yet again that you can't really rely or trust other people. They tend to just fuck you around in the end.

So, later this year - When our rent contract stops and he leaves for America to work as a Carny. [I]( I am going to just take the whole load of the rent on my shoulders and live the fuck alone. Cause I am sick of other peoples shit.

This is one friendship, which I really enjoyed and a friend who I really love and at one point trusted so much - that I would've given him access to my bank account, that seems to be running it's course and is going to end pretty soon.

Bleh.

Hello and welcome to real life!

Your experience isn't unusual. Many people take a long time to grow up, and many people are better off living alone.

Next time you think about getting a roommate, think about what you are expecting out of the situation (be realistic). Your straight friend/acquaintance won't suddenly fall in love with you, the slob won't become a neatnik, and any person for whom you have a bunch of expectations (including yourself) will surely disapoint you.

Better to make it a straight business transation: "split the rent and utilities, you have your two shelves in the fridge, I have my two shelves, clean up after yourself." That's it. Don't expect anything more than civility, and do be explicit as to what the terms of sharing space will be BEFORE anyone moves in. Think of it this way: You're not "living with" someone (which implies some sort of consensual relationship, or shared values or whatever) you're "sharing space" (think of it like a barracks) to save money. That way you won't be so passive in asserting your rights to equal treatment and cleaning and you won't be angry at him and at yourself.

Been there, done that.

Voice of experience.

Mdlftr

[anpuZA]

Yeah... I know. The only thing is, like I said, before this decision was ever made we were good friends. And there is a lot of history there (all of it above board). To put it in a better though stranger p.o.v. he is like a younger brother. Listen, he pisses me off regardlessly and quite obviously he thinks that he is right. And truly I don't expect less, he is one hard headed assenine Gemini. But I love him and I mean that in a platonic way.

As for my amorous expectations. I don't have that, in all honesty, if he ever did for some reason come on to me I would ask him if he has seriously considered how it changes everything. So, yeah I have thought about it and other qualities he posesses I do like, but I'm realistic enough about it to know that aint gonna happen. Which is fine.

So, I will speak to him tonight about this situation and hopefully we can resolve it in an adult fashion. Thanks for the suggestion though, it will help to shape the peace agreement.

[cutlerfan]

Sorry but the guy sounds like a real tool. He has an elevated sense of his own importance and is probably clueless that other people exist without him. He whined to his mom that you were being mean to him? Please tell me he isn't even 21 because if he is; he has a ton of growing up to do. If he finds you so annoying tell him he should move back home with his mum. She obviously understand his 'needs' and moving home would mean she can feel free to cater to his whims. I suspect she doesn't want him around either so she keeps supporting his whining. Tough situation! Number one piece of advice.......
Try Not to Kill Him! It's way too messy and the trial would take forever! I wish you the best of luck my friend! Peace!

[anpuZA]

Originally Posted by cutlerfan

Sorry but the guy sounds like a real tool. He has an elevated sense of his own importance and is probably clueless that other people exist without him. He whined to his mom that you were being mean to him? Please tell me he isn't even 21 because if he is; he has a ton of growing up to do. If he finds you so annoying tell him he should move back home with his mum. She obviously understand his 'needs' and moving home would mean she can feel free to cater to his whims. I suspect she doesn't want him around either so she keeps supporting his whining. Tough situation! Number one piece of advice.......
Try Not to Kill Him! It's way too messy and the trial would take forever! I wish you the best of luck my friend! Peace!

Lol. No it's not that bad. His mom is in a bad way too, lotsa stuff that Im not gonna expand on, just trust me when I say that she couldnt really support him even if she wanted to and that what he mostly does is complain about a person. Venting, which I suppose I am doing now.

Ach, I dont know. I agree with you about his ego. He really thinks, for some reason, he is the centre point of the worlds attention. I remember one day my Fiat Uno stalled in a McD's drivethru and he nearly dived under the dashboard, he was so ashamed! A lot of that has to do with the fact that they as a family went thru a really poor patch at one point. Sigh. It's difficult, he really is a self involved prick in so many ways, but if you know the whole history you can sorta see why he developed that as a sort of defence mechanism.

Regardless of the fact, I have one several occassions told him I think he really is a selfish person, who completely ignores the needs of other people, and reacts like a kicked stray or gets pissed off when other people simply dont take his needs into account.

And as an example Ive done that on several occassions. It's not a pretty sight. Anyway, keep in mind that I am highlighting negative aspects that cause friction and obviously I am not innocent. I work on his nerves too.

Some of our friends and (sometimes) I, will call him gay and such, for a laugh and because we know it bites, even thou he keeps his cool mostly. Why do we do it? It's complicated, but I think for the most part (and I essentially ascribe to this) it's to bring him down a notch or two. He really has an inflated view of his own importance. God knows what he'll be like when he actually builds some muscle (which he is trying to do) and finally gets to lose his virginity. (He IS 22 btw)

To be fair, he is an attractive, tall, very slightly muscular guy with a nice deepish voice. He is also attentive (like buying food and stuff to share), is very neat on himself, creative, very focused on certain things. I seriously trust him with a lot, although these days a little bit less because I am generally a very open person and thought he was as well. So thinks a Sagi of a Gemini..., I don't think he is a bad person and like I said I do love him, he is now one of my closest friends, even though I don't know how long this friendship will last if we continue with all these hassles. I also think he is a kind person, well meaning. He plans as well as he schemes, which brings back the selfish part. So he is intelligent and nice to converse with, he can sometimes be a bit daft, but for the most part he is just very naive in a sense. And so forth. Like I said, a bit more complicated than that.

So thanks for replying and the morale support!

[bigbearny]

Originally Posted by anpuZA

Some of our friends and (sometimes) I, will call him gay and such, for a laugh and because we know it bites, even thou he keeps his cool mostly. Why do we do it? It's complicated, but I think for the most part (and I essentially ascribe to this) it's to bring him down a notch or two. He really has an inflated view of his own importance. God knows what he'll be like when he actually builds some muscle (which he is trying to do) and finally gets to lose his virginity. (He IS 22 btw)

god i hate.. HATE people that use the term GAY as an insult or joke.. how or when a sexual preference became such a malignant term is beyond me.. even if he is gay and closeted calling him out on it isn't the right thing to do.. and what's wrong with being a virgin? i'm 36 and haven't found the right person yet so i'm still one... not everyone will jump in bed with random people just to get sex...

[anpuZA]

Okay, first of all I *am* gay and I have absolutely no problem with the term being used, I will determine when it is offensive and when it is funny (for myself ofcourse) and take the appropriate action.

I know this is going to be really personal, but please get over the concept of "the right person". there's no such thing. Yeah you may come close... but for the most part, that's just a figment of fantasy. And if you're still a virgin at age 36, I'm sorry but I'll call it like it is and the simple fact is, either you are to scared to move out of your safe zone or you think people wont really be attracted to you.

Okay, now that I've completely gone bollocks and exploded with my cynical view of you let me at least say this, as contradictory as it may seem, I respect you for having the plain simple force of will to not give in to your desires.

And I may be speaking from a better position to give you my opinion than you think.

[Aikuchi]

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Its a little off topic - i know but ...

You mentioned that he is trained as a graphic designer but not if he's working in that line of work (or at all)? Whereas, you have taken a job as a in-house designer. Is it difficult finding / keeping a job as a graphic designer where you're at (I'm assuming the US)?

I ask because, I'm a graphic designer (visual communication graduate) and am currently working in my country as a Art Director. However, in a couple of years, I'll be moving to Canada and I have no idea what my skills will be worth on the Western Hemisphere ... Its probably too soon to gauge anything accurately, but it would still be interesting to know. Thank you for any information you can share

Anyways, feel free to keep us updated or just to vent

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[anpuZA]

Originally Posted by Aikuchi

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Its a little off topic - i know but ...

You mentioned that he is trained as a graphic designer but not if he's working in that line of work (or at all)? Whereas, you have taken a job as a in-house designer. Is it difficult finding / keeping a job as a graphic designer where you're at (I'm assuming the US)?

I ask because, I'm a graphic designer (visual communication graduate) and am currently working in my country as a Art Director. However, in a couple of years, I'll be moving to Canada and I have no idea what my skills will be worth on the Western Hemisphere ... Its probably too soon to gauge anything accurately, but it would still be interesting to know. Thank you for any information you can share

Anyways, feel free to keep us updated or just to vent

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Hey Aikuchi

I wish I was in your shoes!!! Art director, ah well. Actually I'm doing finished art at the company, no longer design. Which explains my frustration (and maybe the little explosion in my last reply here) Unfortunately I / we live in South Africa, in Cape Town. The market here is over saturated, truly. And since this is one of only two of the biggest markets in SA (the other being Jo'burg) it really is difficult to get an nice entry level position at design companies.

As for the western hemisphere, I don't know. We all seem to want to flee to countries like USA / Canada or to places like Europe. I would think that the competition is fierce, but a bit more forgiving if you start out low.

Any American / Canadian and or European designers who can say what's up?

I don't mind the change in direction of this post, but it may be better to create a new thread with that as a topic?

[Aikuchi]

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Thanks fort answering my questions anpuZA.

I don't mean to derail the thread. It meant to be a small side question because I happen to pick up on you and your friends occupation.

I don't intend to flee to other countries such as USA / Canada. I will be moving in a few years to Canada because my family is there - and I will be re-joining them I hope. I had some complications going with them when they left and I'll have to find alternate means of getting there. The job is merely one option.

Market saturation is partially a worry for me - but that's digressing into another topic

I'm glad you find this forum and its posters welcoming enough to rant to

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