Possible New Story Sneak Peek

[luvyalots]

I'm in the process of writing a new story, but it's in a completely different format than previous ones. (Yes, I know I have an unfinished story out there, but I decided to abandon it - it wasn't going where I wanted, but this story has elements from that unfinished one).

Anyway, it's in a journal format and it's from the POV's of five different characters. Here is the first part. Let me know if you think it's too confusing. Thanks.

The following are excerpts taken from several personal journals. While some names and details have been changed, they are based on actual events.

PART 1

July 17, 2010:

Dan?s a fucking MONSTER now!

Seriously, he?s ridiculous. I haven?t seen him in a while and every time I see him he?s bigger than the time before, but I never expected him to be so huge! I didn?t think it was possible for anyone ? much less Dan ? to get so big.

I was talking to Sean when Dan came up in conversation. His eyes went wide and he went, ?You gotta see the guy!? I was like, ?What you mean?? And then Sean made this expression like one out of total fear and awe, like he was scared of Dan but not really ? it?s hard to describe.

Anyway, he said, ?The dude is fucking massive.? I laughed and went, ?He already was massive. That?s nothing new.? But then Sean shook his head, his face practically turning white. That?s when I first got that pit feeling in my stomach. ?No, man,? he said. ?The dude?s simply monstrous.?

?Really?? I said, trying not to sound as affected as I felt. ?Yeah, man,? Sean went on. ?Remember Luke?? I nodded. ?Well, Dan?s, like, twice his size?at least.?

I gulped. How much bigger can the guy get?

***

April 19, 2003: Danny

How much more annoying can my brother get? Whenever mom wants something done, Wayne does it ? before I have a chance to even get up off the couch. And then he rubs it in and calls me a lazy fatass. Ok, so I?m overweight and I like to spend my free time playing video games, but it?s not my fault. I wasn?t always fat.

When I was little, I played soccer a lot. I was actually really good and I scored more goals than anyone else on my team. But then when I was in fifth grade, I fell and broke my leg. That kept me inside for four months. Well, I could?ve started playing soccer again earlier but mom wouldn?t let me up off of the couch until I was completely healed. She?s so overprotective!

Anyway, so by the time I got back to playing soccer I couldn?t run as fast or as long as I used to. It turned out that I had gained 30 pounds since breaking my leg and all the muscles in my legs trophied or something like that. That?s what the doctor said. Anyway, it sucked. So I just gave up and stopped playing sports altogether. I mean, I love sports and all, but it wasn?t worth it, getting my ass kicked?especially when I used to be the one kicking ass.

That was 3 years ago. Now I?m well over 230 pounds at 5?5?. I?m practically obese, according to Wayne. But he?s skinny as hell, so of course I?m obese compared to him. I know people at school make fun of me, mostly behind my back. I?m not dumb. And since eighth grade is almost over and I?ll be in high school next year, it?ll get worse. It sucks, but what can I do. I?m fat and I?ll probably always be fat. I just gotta deal with it.

***

April 22, 2003: Wayne

My little brother needs to get a life. He doesn?t do anything. He just sits in front of the TV, playing video games and eating. Ever since breaking his leg in fifth grade, he?s done nothing but get fatter and fatter. I think he was 230 the last time he went to the doctor. That?s almost morbidly obese. Of course, he blames it on mom because she refused to let him play soccer again until after the leg healed. And I know why.

Ever since our dad died in a car accident when we were little, mom has been a little overprotective. And frankly, I don?t really blame her. The thing is, Danny doesn?t realize that because he was only 5 months old when it happened and he doesn?t remember dad like I do. I was three so I have memories of him. I see the look on my mom?s face every time one of us brings him up. She doesn?t like to think about it.

Sometimes I wish she?d find someone else, but she?s so worried about bringing Danny and me up and working two jobs that she doesn?t really have time for a personal life. And I want to go to school for music, so she?s worried about how we?re going to pay for college. At least she?s happy I have a plan.

On the other hand, Danny doesn?t seem to have any idea about his future. Of course, he?s only going into high school next year so he still has time. But he?s so freaking lazy and gets only so-so grades in school. I wonder if he even has friends.

***

April 29, 2003: Sean

So, went over to Danny?s house today after school. We played Madden for a while and then his mom ordered pizza for us on her way out to work. Don?t know where his big brother Wayne was, probably out with his friends or something. I wasn?t that hungry so I only had a few slices. Danny, on the other hand, had practically a whole pie himself! No wonder he?s so fat. I swear he got fatter in the last few months. He just sits on the couch with his belly hanging out of his shirt, shoveling food into his mouth almost constantly.

Really, he?s a cool guy and all but I sometimes think it?s sad how fat he?s gotten since fifth grade. He used to play sports like me but not anymore. I play football. I?m on the youth league team, the Bears, and even though I?m short ? like 5?2? ? I?m crazy fast. And I?m strong, too. I?m pretty psyched for football in high school though I hope I grow a few inches before then. The interest meeting is next week ? can?t wait.

Danny though seems happy with just be a fatass. I know he likes football ? loves watching it on TV and stuff ? and he says he wants to play in high school like me. But he always does that ? says he?s gonna do something and then never does it. I?ll believe it when I see it.

***

May 2, 2003: Jenn

You won?t believe what I just saw! My brother Max just came home from college for the weekend ? he?s a freshman at Tech ? and he bought a new car! It?s a red Mustang convertible and it?s beautiful! I don?t know how he paid for it, though mom and dad are not too happy. Something about his job, I don?t know. But come on, he?s in college now and he can do whatever he wants, right?

Anyway, it ended with dad saying he should just get a girlfriend. All my friends at school think he?s really hot which is so ew because he?s my brother. Now Wayne Forrester across the street ? he?s kinda hot. He?s three years older than me, but still. At least he?s not like his little brother Danny. Danny?s my age but he?s such a loser. He?s fat and he smells weird and I wouldn?t be caught dead anywhere near him. A lot of the other guys at school make fun of him because he?s such a loser. It?s kinda sad. You?d think Danny would just lose the weight or something.

Too bad he doesn?t look like Wayne. OMG! I love watching him from my bedroom window every time he mows the lawn with his shirt off!

***

May 3, 2003: Max

Came home for the weekend. Don?t know how long I?ll stay before I go back. The boss doesn?t care. School sucks so I cut class every now and then. Don?t need a degree. Not with what I?m doing. My parents are assholes. They don?t get it. I?m surprised it took them this long to figure it out.

Jenn doesn?t know. Least I don?t think she does. She?s a fucking idiot. A real dumb blond. I know she?s my sister but it?s true. Her little friends are even worse. I know they all want my cock. But they?re my little sister?s friends. They?re losers.

Had a workout. Went well. Lifts have gone up a bit. I?ve added some size since going to school so that makes sense. But I?m still pretty ripped. Don?t care how strong I am as long as I look good. Took a shower. Then went to the movies with Jon. He?s like the only one who gets me so he?s the only one from high school I hang out with anymore. Saw the new X-Men movie. It was ok.

Haven?t seen Jon in a while. Still ugly as shit. Cut up and ripped but ugly. At least compared to me. He tried getting into modeling once but they rejected him. He always says I should be a bodybuilder or something. I put on muscle real easy and I have really low body fat. But bodybuilding is bullshit. Of course Jon only says that ?cause he?s jealous. He wishes he could look like me. Everyone does. But they don?t so fuck them.

They know nothing about me. They only wish they could do what I?m doing now.

***

July 17, 2010:

I asked Sean what Dan was doing now. If he had gotten as big as Sean said he had, I needed to see for myself. Sean said he was probably at home, either eating or working out. ?That?s all he does nowadays?, he said, ?eat, sleep and lift.? Well, the eating and sleeping part he had always been good at ? Dan used to be really fat when he was a kid, but the thought of Dan all jacked up beyond belief and as big as a house made me shiver.

As I pulled up to Dan?s place, my heart was pounding. He had had quite a transformation in the last seven years or so. During his freshman year of high school, he had gone from a fat loser to an athletic jock. That?s when the iron bug bit him?and it bit him hard. He bulked up and by his senior year, he was getting seriously jacked. Then after graduation, he started going full-bore into lifting and only got bigger and bigger. He seemed devoted to getting as huge as he possibly could. Well, apparently, he succeeded.

I got out of my car, shaking my head at the F-250 parked in the driveway. Dan?s uncle had gotten him that as a birthday present, saying he had outgrown the shitty Maxima he used to drive. His uncle was rich and gave him pretty much anything he wanted ? especially after Dan started becoming a jock ? and the truck was one of many gifts. I used to be jealous of him for that, but the guy deserved it.

I kicked at the weeds of the overgrown yard as I headed up the front walk. The lawn needed to be mowed badly. Dan?s brother Wayne was usually the one who did that stuff. Dan was always too busy getting jacked to do any chores.

As I got to the front door, I wondered how jacked Dan had gotten. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.

[mlbjock]

Originally Posted by luvyalots

I'm in the process of writing a new story, but it's in a completely different format than previous ones. (Yes, I know I have an unfinished story out there, but I decided to abandon it - it wasn't going where I wanted, but this story has elements from that unfinished one).

Anyway, it's in a journal format and it's from the POV's of five different characters. Here is the first part. Let me know if you think it's too confusing. Thanks.

The following are excerpts taken from several personal journals. While some names and details have been changed, they are based on actual events.

I actually like the format, didn't have much trouble following it, and the story as laid out sounds good. I did have to go back to look up some of the names and I'm still wondering who Luke is, but I definitely look forward to reading it

[DarthFlex]

The format is no problem, though I wouldn't keep jumping from 2010 to the distant past. I'd just go chronologically from here on out. You're my favorite author on here (with John D second).

[brahms97]

I see the five points of view from 2003. But whose point of view is the italicized language from 2010?

[Mad Dog]

Honestly, the number of different perspectives definitely confused me and stories in this format generally tend to turn me off, since it takes a lot more effort to keep track of the story. It usually hacks up the perspectives so much I never really feel like I'm "in" the world.

I had to go through the character list a couple times to get it but now I fully understand, this stori def has potential. I'm excited to see where it goes. I myself have tried journal stories and have failed miserably lol.

I can't wait to see how huge Dan really is

[Speaker]

Originally Posted by brahms97

I see the five points of view from 2003. But whose point of view is the italicized language from 2010?

Maybe thats one of those "Read and find out" things.

I like it. Should be an interesting story. I've missed you Luvyalots, and I bet I'm not the only one.

[Synth.x]

im a fan of your work as well, luvyalots, so id read whatever youd post

the fact that it started and ended with entries from 2010 while the other perspectives were set back in 2003 forced me to put more effort than usual into how i was constructing the narrative in my head; it wasnt too confusing though

id like to know to whom the italicized, present-day journal entries belong without it being a mystery or unnamed. are we to understand that the main characters are the ones whose journals we will be reading? if so, i dont think anything needs to be changed; its just that maybe the chronological jumping isnt such a good idea

i missed your writing too, luvyalots

RIP The Team / The Corps
dan was getting to be such a sweetheart too :_(

[Mdlftr]

Luvyalots,

I wouldn't change a thing! Different styles of writing, different story formats --all keep it interesting. Since we already know the general arc of the story: "former fat slob, who was originally an athlete, gets buff" HOW it is told is where the interest will lie.

If every story was chronological from beginning to end, it would read like an instruction manual! Mixing up the perspective of speakers and the time keeps it interesting. If that involves a bit of work on the reader's part, take notes! [You can free up One hand for a minute... ]


Mdlftr

[ydt81]

I loved this a d thought the 'challenging' jumps in time/switches in perspective were beautifully done; It unfolded like a screenplay and so far the set up feels very authentic. I'm actually amazed that someone would take on such an ambitious project and though i've never read anything else of yours, I definitely hope you finish this.

I totally get where people are coming from if they say complexity doesn't work well with the 'hotter' elements of these stories; however, I'd say it's always relieving to read a unique story.
Also the extra effort you've put in to create a realistic place & time makes the story that much hotter, as the whole thing is a little more tangible/credible.

Play on.

[debate1]

Will you do this story still?

[arpeejay]

I can handle multiple characters or time shifts but I have trouble with both at the same time, which is why I usually don't get into stories that do both. I know, I know, I'm lame!

Richard

[debate1]

any chance you will do this story still? It sounds awesome!