The Wide Prairie Sky

[umlerian49]

Story withdrawn.

[grubby41]

What a wonderfully well-written story. The characters are drawn so well, and with such simplicity and brevity. And the sympathetic understanding of how autistic people tell us they see the world completely involves the reader. This was a real pleasure to read.

[Reeza]

I'm intrigued. This setup leaves me wondering where all of this is going and how some of the peripheral characters will fit in. The familiar bullying theme allows me to imagine where the plot might go, but the protagonist's autism has me thinking this isn't going to be predictable. I like that your characters have depth. That aspect of your writing reminds me of Demandred's work, but not in a derivative way. It's just something I like about his work as well as yours, along with the flashes of dry humor.

You are obviously a skilled writer. If I didn't like this as much as I do, I wouldn't spend this much time on a critique. But I do like it, and you have asked for constructive comments. Here are mine for what they are worth:

One technical error - "Your welcome" should be "You're welcome." Common mistake, easily fixed.

One issue that only a literature geek like me would care about has to do with the narration. As a first-person narrator who happens to be autistic, Alex seems too adept at assessing other people's interactions and discerning their motivations. This doesn't show up in his dialogue, but only in his narration, as in: "Jason, cruel as he was, wasn?t stupid. He was very adept at pulling these things off and getting away with them. Number one, he had his merry band of thugs to cover for him. Like anyone would believe them. But that wasn?t his ace-in-the-hole. That would be the fact the town had a chance of going to the playoffs next year. And naturally, Jason was the star of the football team. He was the Wild Child that everyone was afraid to discipline. He covered his tracks just enough that it was easy to look the other way." For most first-person omniscient narrators this wouldn't be a problem, but when Alex switches from this to the utter cluelessness in his character's dialogue, it seems like Alex the narrator and Alex the character are two different guys. (Go ahead and roll your eyes, people! I told you I'm a geek.) Also, the narrator's omniscience seems to fade when he describes his home life: "I?ve never really figured out why she lives with us . . ."

With that said, it has occurred to me that the narrator might be a future version of Alex who has more developed social skills. If this is the case, it could be dealt with by starting the story with something along the lines of, "When I look back on these events I understand them so much better than I did then . . ." along with, "At the time, I didn't understand why she lived with us . . ."

Finally, as a psychologist, I can't help but comment on this passage:

Originally Posted by umlerian49

For the past couple of years, Mom?s been sending me to see a psychologist. This was in addition to the doctors and behaviorists and therapists and other people that I was seeing. I never much saw the point. I decided early on that pretty much anyone could do what a psychologist does. If the patient makes a statement, you reply with Question ?A?. If the patient asks a question, you reply with Question ?B?. For example:

Patient: ?Doc, I had the strangest dream last night.?
Shrink: (Question ?A?) ?And how does that make you feel??
?or--
Patient: ?Doc, do you think the dream means I?m crazy??
Shrink: (Question ?B?) ?Well, what do you think??

Like I said, it?s easy.

Ahem! The response to all statements should be, "Tell me more." Then after hearing about your dream, fetish or horrible experience we say "How does that make you feel?" Question "B" is just as it should be. Throughout this exchange we write out our grocery lists on a notepad. FYI.

Despite my amusement at this passage, I found myself wondering why it was dropped into the story at that point. It doesn't seem connected or necessary. Perhaps you have an issue with psychologists. If so, then please, tell me more . . .

I'll stop now. Thank you for writing and sharing your story with us. I look forward to reading all subsequent chapters. Because it's good and I like it.

[MuscleHintz]

Originally Posted by Reeza

Despite my amusement at this passage, I found myself wondering why it was dropped into the story at that point. It doesn't seem connected or necessary. Perhaps you have an issue with psychologists. If so, then please, tell me more . . .

Well, as someone who has experience with psychologists as well, I felt that the character simply is showing how pointless he felt the psychologists were. I'm assuming that Alex has been seeing psychologists since a very early age, and that they have done nothing to improve his life. It shows Alex's frustration at the so-called "professionals" and how they wasted his time and money, yet did nothing to help his social life improve. This is all just speculation and my take on the passage. Perhaps we should wait for the author to tell us what he really meant.

Anyways, I like the story so far. Setting up characters is always good. I'm an impatient person, I'll be honest, but the writing style is really high quality and one of the best I've seen in a while. If the introduction is this nice, I can't wait to see how you pull off the action

[michaelv2]

Nicely written, looking forward to the next part!

[Jaypat]

This is a really outstanding first effort.

Thank you for your mention in the forward. There really is no higher compliment then when you inspire someone else to write.

I?m sorry you?re having trouble with the later chapters. I, myself, have several stories on my hard drive that aren?t quite working.

If you want any help with the places you?re stuck, feel free to PM me and I?ll be happy to do what I can to help you work through them.

Again, great start, and I?m looking forward to the next part.

[umlerian49]

Originally Posted by Reeza

I'm intrigued. This setup leaves me wondering where all of this is going and how some of the peripheral characters will fit in. The familiar bullying theme allows me to imagine where the plot might go, but the protagonist's autism has me thinking this isn't going to be predictable. I like that your characters have depth. That aspect of your writing reminds me of Demandred's work, but not in a derivative way. It's just something I like about his work as well as yours, along with the flashes of dry humor.

You are obviously a skilled writer. If I didn't like this as much as I do, I wouldn't spend this much time on a critique. But I do like it, and you have asked for constructive comments. Here are mine for what they are worth:

One technical error - "Your welcome" should be "You're welcome." Common mistake, easily fixed.

One issue that only a literature geek like me would care about has to do with the narration. As a first-person narrator who happens to be autistic, Alex seems too adept at assessing other people's interactions and discerning their motivations. This doesn't show up in his dialogue, but only in his narration, as in: "Jason, cruel as he was, wasn?t stupid. He was very adept at pulling these things off and getting away with them. Number one, he had his merry band of thugs to cover for him. Like anyone would believe them. But that wasn?t his ace-in-the-hole. That would be the fact the town had a chance of going to the playoffs next year. And naturally, Jason was the star of the football team. He was the Wild Child that everyone was afraid to discipline. He covered his tracks just enough that it was easy to look the other way." For most first-person omniscient narrators this wouldn't be a problem, but when Alex switches from this to the utter cluelessness in his character's dialogue, it seems like Alex the narrator and Alex the character are two different guys. (Go ahead and roll your eyes, people! I told you I'm a geek.) Also, the narrator's omniscience seems to fade when he describes his home life: "I?ve never really figured out why she lives with us . . ."

With that said, it has occurred to me that the narrator might be a future version of Alex who has more developed social skills. If this is the case, it could be dealt with by starting the story with something along the lines of, "When I look back on these events I understand them so much better than I did then . . ." along with, "At the time, I didn't understand why she lived with us . . ."

Finally, as a psychologist, I can't help but comment on this passage:



Ahem! The response to all statements should be, "Tell me more." Then after hearing about your dream, fetish or horrible experience we say "How does that make you feel?" Question "B" is just as it should be. Throughout this exchange we write out our grocery lists on a notepad. FYI.

Despite my amusement at this passage, I found myself wondering why it was dropped into the story at that point. It doesn't seem connected or necessary. Perhaps you have an issue with psychologists. If so, then please, tell me more . . .

I'll stop now. Thank you for writing and sharing your story with us. I look forward to reading all subsequent chapters. Because it's good and I like it.

Uh-oh. I hadn't considered that any psychologists might read this. This isn't meant to reflect on psychology, which has made countless people's lives better, just my cynical view that there are dillitantes in every profession. I almost cut this passage out because it really didn't advance the story, but conceit over my own cleverness won out. This serves to reinforce my feelings that one has to be ruthless in the rewriting phase and not be so taken with a given passage.

You're (your?) right about the grammar slip-up. I'm disappointed because I'm a careful proofreader and I still let this one through.

The point about Alex being a little too perceptive is something I wrestled with quite a bit. You're absolutely right that he's viewing these events with the benefit of hindsight and that's something that's much clearer in coming chapters. I should have resolved the issue sooner.

For the other people that have posted with such kind remarks, thank you. Is there a way to put multiple quotes in one message?|

[Reeza]

Originally Posted by umlerian49

Uh-oh. I hadn't considered that any psychologists might read this. This isn't meant to reflect on psychology, which has made countless people's lives better, just my cynical view that there are dillitantes in every profession.

I couldn't agree more. That's why I thought the passage was funny.

[arpeejay]

Great story! It's always a pleasure to read stories with well-thought-out, well-described characters, and Alex is all of that, as well as completely original! I'm looking forward to the succeeding installments -- good work!

xoxo

Richard

[MysteriousMist]

Technically, it's psychiatrist, anyhow. Psychologists look at the brain in general, psychiatrists look more specifically on disorders. I think. The terms are used interchangeably enough. Anyhow, it's just semantics, and I don't think it's really a problem, considering how the character would feel on it.

On the whole, definitely quite an interesting start. There are plenty of directions that it could go, and the characters have definitely got my interest. Good job with it!

[Otaru_grower]

What a fully fleshed story with good, solid characters. Can't wait to see where you take this.

[chocomus]

Hey! well done, dude!!!
Now I wanna see what comes next!!!!
I already hate that jason fucker!!!

[Mickju]

I find this story very absorbing. I hope you will post more.