Snippet - Boyfriend and Bully (TBC)

[Xander]

I'm not a very good writer. Scratch that: I'm a pretty poor writer. My spelling is OK, but my grammar is awful.

I have a lot of ideas, but very rarely get them down onto paper so it was a surprise for me when this story partly wrote itself. It's probably one of the better, most complete stories I have that's based on muscle growth. I have other transformation stories in my head, or in the works, but none of them are really suitable for the site, except maybe my Werejock story which I haven't written yet.

Anyway, enough of the boring introductions that people will probably, and rightfully, skip over and on to the actual story snippet:

?So... I'm thinking about going to the gym?
Adam looked up from eating his dinner and stared at Steve curiously who was moving his fork through the spaghetti in an awkward way.
?I know that it sounds crazy and that I've never cared about going before...? Steve continued ?but, well... I've got this body and although it belonged to, well... him, I feel like I should take care of it? Steve finished meeting Adams eyes for the first time since he'd started speaking.
Adam stared back trying to take in what he had just been told.
?How long have you been thinking about this?? Adam asked quietly.
?Um, a while?? was the tentative response. Steve had obviously known how much of a difficult thing this would be to ask.
?You've never cared about going to the gym before? Adam said moving his fork awkwardly through his spaghetti now ?why the sudden change??
?Uh, well... you see? Steve responded worried that he'd upset Adam not long after he'd finally accepted him in this body ?I'm going to be stuck looking like this for a while; maybe even the rest of my life. I think that I have to accept that, just like the fact that I'm not vegetarian any longer, but this body is used to being kept fit through gym training and well... I haven't really been meeting its expectations?
?You make it sound like the body has feelings...? Adam murmured, no longer moving his fork.
?But I'm stuck with it and I need to keep it in shape? Steve replied, trying to stick to the defence he'd planned ?it's used to being exercised and I really think that I can do something with it?
?Like what?? Adam cut in, looking straight up at Steve like he expected to see someone else.
?Like... well...? Steve didn't know what to say. The idea of him doing the same things in this body that its original owner had and trying to maintain and improve a body he had learned to hate obviously wasn't a good idea in his boyfriends eyes.
?Those fists punched me, those arms tried to strangle me; kill me...?
?I KNOW!? Steve cut in sharply before continuing in a softer tone ?I know... I wish I'd never brought it up, I'm... sorry?
But a part of him wasn't sorry. It WAS a good body and well worth maintaining. Just because its previous owner had tried to hurt his boyfriend didn't mean that he would. He would use this body to grow stronger; to protect him. At least that's how he'd rationalised it in his head. He wasn't even really sure where the thought had come from, but since he and Adam had finally made up and got back together he was no longer preoccupied with all his old worries. Since they had relaxed into their old routine he had had more time to think and for some reason he'd noticed his body more and had gained a strange desire to get it back into its old shape; the shape Cory kept it in. He had never cared all that strictly about fitness before, but now his mind was becoming consumed with it. Maybe Adam was right; it really was a stupid idea and well out of character for him. Maybe it would be best if he just dropped the whole thing...
?Do it? Adam said.
Steve had been thinking for a short while and hadn't noticed Adam observing him. It took a few seconds for his words to sink in.
?Huh?? Steve responded, surprised ?but...?
Steve wanted to say so many things all at once, almost like a part of him had wanted Adam to reject his idea and knock some sense into him, but here he was agreeing with him.
?If it makes you happy... then do it? Adam continued ?You've done more than enough to prove to me that you love me no matter how you look now, so I should be willing to trust you?
Steve was still in shock as he never actually expected Adam to agree to easily. Adam rose and walked round the table before placing his hand on Steve's face.
?I love you no matter what you look like?
Steve felt so detached at that moment, almost like he was observing everything through tunnel vision. He had expected Adam to refuse, but he was agreeing to his idea. He had no idea what to do or what to say, but it felt like some force, maybe the same one that had given him the desire to work out, was guiding him now.
?I love you too? Steve felt himself say, placing his much larger hand on Adam's face and pulling him in for a lengthy kiss.

And one, much more interesting snippet I think:

Adam was preparing breakfast when someone sauntered into the kitchen area wearing only plaid boxer shorts. The tanned, muscular arms reached out and stretched before yanking open the fridge and removing a carton of milk. Without any grace, the figure leant back and brought the carton up to his handsome face before pouring the white, creamy liquid down his thickly veined throat, his large Adam?s apple bobbing with each and every swallow.
With its contents emptied, the jock tossed the carton onto the counter before slowly stretching again and staring dumbly down at Adam with a huge smile on his face.
?S-Steve?? Adam asked, as though he was unsure who the stranger was who had just invaded his kitchen uninvited.
?Well, 'course it's me!? Steve responded, slightly amused ?who else would it be??
?Well for a second I thought that some frat-boy invaded our house? Adam replied ?what are you wearing??
?Boxers? Steve said simply ?why??
?I thought that you hated boxer shorts?? Adam said, still trying to understand it all.
?Yeah, well that was the old me? Steve explained ?as you've noticed the new me has bigger junk so I need the extra room?

Please be nice.

[phoenix]

Sounds great mate...
Post it all!
JJ

[Funbird]

The dialogue is realistic and the visuals are pretty clear which btw isn't easy to do. It seems that all you have to do is link your snippets together with a overall theme. Write down all your snippet ideas on paper then think of a theme to link them. Think about what that might be during the day when you're doing other things, you'll be surprised how easy it is to come up with one.
So far well done.

[Xander]

Am I misusing the term 'snippet'? I mean that these are bits from what I've written to give a small idea of what the story is about.

I have a decent idea where the story starts and where it is going; my main issue is the setting. I've made it American because it feels 'right' and also to appease more towards the larger amount of Americans there are, or at least how much people recognise American settings to most others.

The issue is that I don't know what age the characters should be. I like the idea of them being collage age, but them being in their early 20's with jobs and a flat, or apartment rather, seems more fitting considering where the story is going and what it needs to contain. Steve, at least, needs to be of legal drinking age and that is 21 in America.

[Funbird]

You don't have to set in in the US. In fact I think it's more interesting and new to see characters in a foreign enviornment.
Create the story as you want it, don't worry about what others wish. Be true to yourself and your ideas.
If what you've written are parts of a larger story then great job, post the whole thing!

[nypup2train]

Originally Posted by Xander

Steve, at least, needs to be of legal drinking age and that is 21 in America.

I really wouldn't worry too much about that, unless you wish to.

Even in light of the recent policy shift to "no underage smut", the site's hardly a police state... and I bet you'd have a hard time finding even one person who doesn't understand the drinking-age reality: Legality be damned, underage drinking is a widespread and regular occurrence at pretty much every college in the country. (And nearly as prevalent in the high schools, probably!)

Nobody's going to be scrutinizing Steve's ID, is my point. He could easily get away with using a fake.

...I like what you've shown of the story! It reminds me a bit of magusX's "Infiltration", in the archive (also at http://www.cyoc.net/modules.php?op=m...y&story_id=542 ) ? definitely be interesting to see where you take things from what you've posted so far!

[MonsterMash62]

What you've posted so far is great. Tone, dialogue are good. It describes the setting well enough, without boring us with too many details. I liked the use of the spaghetti too.

I'd really like to read the rest. If you want someone to do an edit pass, feel free to send it my way: monstermash62 at hotmail dot com.

[Xander]

Originally Posted by Funbird

You don't have to set in in the US. In fact I think it's more interesting and new to see characters in a foreign enviornment.
Create the story as you want it, don't worry about what others wish. Be true to yourself and your ideas.
If what you've written are parts of a larger story then great job, post the whole thing!

The storyline does suit being American though. The characters fit well within that setting.

Originally Posted by nypup2train

I really wouldn't worry too much about that, unless you wish to.

Even in light of the recent policy shift to "no underage smut", the site's hardly a police state... and I bet you'd have a hard time finding even one person who doesn't understand the drinking-age reality: Legality be damned, underage drinking is a widespread and regular occurrence at pretty much every college in the country. (And nearly as prevalent in the high schools, probably!)

Nobody's going to be scrutinizing Steve's ID, is my point. He could easily get away with using a fake.

...I like what you've shown of the story! It reminds me a bit of magusX's "Infiltration", in the archive (also at http://www.cyoc.net/modules.php?op=m...y&story_id=542 ) ? definitely be interesting to see where you take things from what you've posted so far!

Well I want them to be an adequate age. Collage suits for certain elements of the story and adults with jobs suits others. I'll have to see where things go.

And yes I have read that story. It was some of the inspiration for this one. I do actually like 'corruption' tales or 'becoming the mask', even if they do usually have downer endings.

Originally Posted by MonsterMash62

What you've posted so far is great. Tone, dialogue are good. It describes the setting well enough, without boring us with too many details. I liked the use of the spaghetti too.

I'd really like to read the rest. If you want someone to do an edit pass, feel free to send it my way: monstermash62 at hotmail dot com.

I like to write where the person could almost see the events playing out like a scene.

I wanted to have the discussion over dinner and spaghetti was the first thing that came to mind and seemed fitting.

Thank you for all your responses.

[Wii]

I don't know much about writing but I do read on the internet a lot lol. The one thing I'll suggest is separation, Use paragraphs or single/double lines when you post your story.

A wall of text with no paragraphs hurts the eyes.


As for some setting suggestions. You could do high school. Adam being a senior in his graduating year making him 18-19, and Steve being held back for 2 years making him 20-21. College can work too but the whole "bully" idea has more of a high school feel.

But what ever you decide i wish you the best =D