sex vs love

[Frankly]

Hey guys

While i am not new to the gay world, nor do i have any expectations from it, I am in a bit of a pickle.

I am caught between wanting to fool around, and have something meaningful. I know the gay community, no matter where i've been around the world, has been particularly focused on sex, and having as much as possible, i've always felt that sex should be something special.

I have not had sex yet and am torn between having it with a grindr guy, who i find hot but know it would not be something important to him, or waiting to find a special guy i can have a quality relationship with.

I guess im asking if sex itself is worth the experience or if those who have had it first with randoms would rather have waited to have it with a guy they cared about?

[no name]

Hey Frankly,

I think there are no generalizations here - some think sex is always worth it (and for some of them it turns out it is), while others prefer to way (again, sometimes rightly, for them).

I guess my point is, do what works for you, trying not to hurt others on the way.

Cheers,
no name

[Mdlftr]

Frankly,

Think about this:
How much of a different experience is pleasuring yourself with your eyes closed and your imagination running wild from an experience with another person who cares about your pleasure, their own pleasure (this could be straight or gay sex) and has an imagination?

To use another example: How does having an imaginary conversation with yourself compare to having a conversation with another person? Where you both care about the topic?

IF all you want is sensation, then have at it! If you're interested in something in the context of a relationship, that takes work and planning.

I personally think that sex outside of personal committment (and I'm not saying, "oh, here's the credit card slip" I mean more committment than that) is equivalent to doing it yourself - predictable, but a bit more dangerous (Are they clean? or is that ANOTHER lie -- like the one where they said "they'd never done this before?")

All actions have consequences. There's no such thing as "risk free" sex. Make it count for something.

[miniace2009]

Heya,

I struggled with this problem as well, when I was first coming out and ready to get into the relationship world. Like what the people before me were saying, it really depends on what YOU want to do. Don't let somebody else decide for you.
I will, however, share my little story about it. Waiting for a relationship is HARD. Really hard. Especially if you are a teenager and you want it. So, one day I decided to give in and go meet a guy on A4A. It probably wasn't the BEST decision I've ever had, but frankly, (even though it wasn't that great) I felt way more relaxed than I ever had before. Not just because of the fun of it, but I felt like it was a huge weight off my shoulders to get it out of my system and just do it. Like it wasn't this huge axe over my head at all times. I dunno, thats just what I did. The hardest part was telling my friends about it later.

[FuzzyKB]

Originally Posted by Frankly

Hey guys

While i am not new to the gay world, nor do i have any expectations from it, I am in a bit of a pickle.

I am caught between wanting to fool around, and have something meaningful. I know the gay community, no matter where i've been around the world, has been particularly focused on sex, and having as much as possible, i've always felt that sex should be something special.

I have not had sex yet and am torn between having it with a grindr guy, who i find hot but know it would not be something important to him, or waiting to find a special guy i can have a quality relationship with.

I guess im asking if sex itself is worth the experience or if those who have had it first with randoms would rather have waited to have it with a guy they cared about?

The one thing I can tell you is that sex is good, but, falling in love and being in love is far better. I have been in a relationship for well over a decade now and it is a monogamous relationship. In the great picture of things there are a great number of gay men who look on relationships as something that lasts for minutes or hours. There are others who remove themselves from the "hunt" settle down to their own version of the "picket fence" and usually when the relationship works, the individuals tend to disappear from the public gay "scene".

I am old enough to have been around long before the health issues and when we were all male whores. That was fun, and I was sexually almost satyr like in my desire for it. Yet, the more I had the less satisfied I became.

It took an HIV death to make me realize what was important and what was not. I watched the relationship of two friends as they went downhill from the opportunistic infections and related complications. When one of the two men reached the end of the life, I was with the other making the burial arrangements. It was a time of great heartache and horrific discrimination against gay people when several funeral homes refused to do a "gay funeral"

As the life of one began to ebb the caring the love and the true feelings between them were expressed in front of me in ways I cannot even begin to explain. That time changed my life. I had sex after that time, but, I learned by example, what I had been missing from a relationship aspect.

I met my life partner in the 1990's and by circumstance that was for the record book as to how it happened. It has never been easy for us and we have as a couple had many rough times. We will have some more because of the problems with the economy. Yet, in spite of disagreements at times on issues of the past, I never want to be alone again. Sexual freedom is fun but it comes with a price and that price is love and romance.

Finding a person who is truly a match is not easy, but no matter how many times you are unsuccessful you have to set your sights on what you really want. Sex is easy to get and definitely a great deal of fun, but, it is fleeting. Waking up in bed next to another person who on occasion just knows how to cuddle and be there for you when you are down and vice-versa is far better because you know that the bond strengthens the both of you.

Good Luck!

[Frankly]

hey guys,
thanks for sharing the experiences. I know i will always be one to look for love over a random hookup any day, and that love, for me, will always win out over the momentary pleasure of a random sexual act. And while i know it is up to me to decide, i like to get your input.

Ive heard many stories of guys first experiences being 1000 times more rewarding when with someone they care about, but as miniace said, it feels like an axe hanging over your head.

I guess im curious, for people who have had sex randomly their first time, instead of waiting for someone they care about, do they regret it?

[arpeejay]

A few things:

(1) Sex is a gift -- enjoy it!

(2) It's also a renewable resource; unless something out of the ordinary happens, you can (and should) do a lot of it!

(3) Guys (almost all) like to have sex; that's the only given since how and with whom is endlessly variable. Until you try it, you don't know whether you and another guy are a good fit.

(4) Sex and love are complementary; they're not mutually exclusive but they're not perfectly congruent, either. It's possible to have sex with someone and not love him; it's possible to love someone and not want to have sex with him. Great flirtations often come to a crashing halt after a visit to the bed and one night stands often turn into lifelong loves.

All of which suggests:

Be open to possibilities. Enjoy what another person has to offer and don't try to make it more than what it is. By the same token, don't hide what it is you have to offer. The right guy will see it, appreciate it, and respond in kind.

Hope this helps...

Richard