Gymnasium Ex Fauna Encyclopedia

[niko777]

Hi guys,

Today, I had an idea while I was resting between two sets. You see, when you train in a gym, you have access to a lot more equipment than when you train at home, which is great. HOWEVER, you have to SHARE the gym (space, equipment) with other people. Some are inspiring, and some are just frustrating. So, I've had the idea of makng a Gymnasium Ex Fauna Encyclopedia, or if you prefer, a "Gym Wildlife Encyclopedia", lol. Basically, I will describe the types of people who dwell in the gym, and invite you to contribute. I think it could be very fun to do. I'm doing it in part because some people at my gym frustrate me and I need to turn that situation in something fun, lol. And I have no doubt you have your gym frustrations too. Don't forget, those types of people can be both NEGATIVE AND POSITIVE, ok?

1) THE ELDER HIVE

The Elder Hive is constituted of 3 or more elderly people who slow down the pace of everybody in the gym. Their strength level is often above the average of other elderly people, but not much more. They spend at least half of their gym time talking while sitting on machines. If a younger lifter asks them if they are done with a machine or a bench, they unite their gazes in one deadly look, which usually makes the younger lifter flee.

The members of the Elder Hive moan a lot in the locker room, because their articulations are not well performing. Those noises are hated by the younger lifters, because they remind them that one day they will be old too. Even if the presence of Elder Hives is bothering a lot of lifters, they are useful in their own way: they drive other gym enthusiasts to swear in their hearts to never become part on a Hive in future.

[niko777]

If you want to contribute, please follow the number order and keep the tone of an encyclopedia. Also, when you read the descriptions, read it in your while imagining an animal documentary voice and music. It's fun as heck!

[niko777]

2) THE SMALL HUNK

The Small Hunk is a great lifer to have around, since he tends to be very disciplined. His strength level is most of the time above the average, and he lifts weights that seem to be a lot for his size. His physical traits are the following: a boyish face, never taller than 5'6", wide shoulders, a thick chest, a small waist, solid legs, and arms that look bigger than they are in reality. His arms are veiny most of the time.

The Small Hunk is building his physique to compensate for his height. His face lights up when he sees that he's lifting heavier weights than lifters that are bigger and taller than him. The Small Hunk should NEVER be underestimated, because he is stronger than he looks.

[niko777]

3) THE WITCH

The Witch is a woman around the age of 50 or 60 years old, but looks no more than 30-35 years old. She has had extensive cosmetic surgeries, which makes you wonder what parts of her are real and what parts are not. She is named "The Witch" because it seems that only a pact with the devil could make her look that young and that good.

Her strength leve is average or below average, and she lifts very light weights. Her breasts are round and firm, and she has a body that would make girls in her twenties jealous. Lifters from the age of 30 to 65 years old are very attracted to her, which makes her a nuisance in the gym, since she reduces the general pace of the gym by attracting the lifters, who all want to talk to her.

The Witch can be identified by three main characteristics: her hands may have brown spots on them, her cleavage may have brown spots on it, and her voice does not sound young.

[niko777]

4) THE "NATURAL" TEENAGER

The "Natural" Teenager is a teen lifter who is enormous for his age. He is usually around 5'10" to 6" tall and weights more than 200 pounds. He lifts very heavy weights, often sacrificing the form in the process. His strength level is above average, and by far.

The "Natural" Teenager may be inspiring to some, but sadly, he can often be seen in the locker room injecting himself with testosterone, dianabol, and other steroids. He tends to have a very manly and agressive attitude in the gym, and litterally throws the weights on the ground instead of just putting them down. The "Natural" teenager also grunts a lot, and flexes in front of the wall mirrors, often touching his muscles to feel the pump.

The "Natural" Teenager is a bad role model for younger lifters. Steroids are not necessarily bad, but he doesn't really know how to use them and will have health issues in his twenties. The "Natural" Teenager is almost an extinct species in some gyms, because he often gets banned for steroid use, bad attitude, equipment damage, etc.

[niko777]

5) THE MODEL IN HIS 40'S

The Model in his 40's is a great lifter to have around in the gym. He knows what he is doing, and is usually respectful of other lifters. Here are his usual physical traits: 6'1" or taller, slim but built, tan skin, veiny arms and legs, thick hair, white teeth, slim waist and hadsome face.

His strength level is average or a little above average, and he lifts only for the esthetic benefits. He can easily adapt his lifting needs, so if a lot of people are using/waiting for a machine, he will just use another one or do an equivalent exercise.

He's not modelling anymore, but he still has the "model" look about him. He usually doesn't have a lot of time to spend in the gym, so he has no time to lose. The Model in his 40's is a good and inspiring lifter for those who seek beauty above strength.

[niko777]

6) THE BLACK HOLE

The Black Hole is a lifter than can be in his 30's or in his 50's, and he is a total nuisance in the gym. His physical traits are the following: between 5'7" and 5'10", average or below average build, thinning hair, semi-idiotic face, high pitched voice, shorts that are TOO short and white/strange/old running shoes. His strength level is is hard to determine, since it's rare to actually see him lifting weights, but can be considered to be below average, or average.

He is called "Black Hole" because he absorbs the progress potential of lifters around him by distracting them. He HAS to talk to all the female lifters, often bothering them while they are on cardio machines (they can't run away from him), and asks male lifters to give him some advice that he will never follow, interrupting their lifting sessions. He LOVES to talk about himself and to use "clich?" sentences.

He is also called "Black Hole" because his progress is virtually nonexistent. He may be going to the same gym for 10 years, his body just looks the same and he is lifting the same weights.

You should not talke to the Black Hole, for he will make your lose your time. If a Black Hole starts talking to you, answer coldly and he will go search for another prey.

[CelticMuscle]

7) THE MEDIA STAR

This very rare species is found in large numbers in the more rural backwaters of the United Kingdom. On the surface they seem like someone who wants to train in a gym for all the right reasons, but as soon as they enter the gym they immediately go to the nearest exercise to the television and switch to the entertainment channels. This species should not be confused with the Newsman (who does the same only switching to the News channels)

This happened to me in a gym in western Wales back in April when someone walked in (and thought he owned the place) switched the television to the E! channel, did a ten minute run on the treadmill followed by fifty situps, took his top off, flexed his abs (below a non existant chest) and said "Now for YouTube and I can become the new Peter Andre!" and walked out

[niko777]

Hahahahaha, good one!

[niko777]

8) THE GOOD KID

The good kid is between 15 and 21 years old. His physique and his strenght are not very impressive, but he has the right attitude and will soon progress. His physical traits vary, but you can recognize a Good Kid by the following traits: he watches how experienced lifters do exercises and imitates them, he is respectful and accepts constructive criticism from other lifters, he doesn't sacrifice form for heavier weights and he looks happy to be in the gym.

If you see a good kid that is doing an exercise in the wrong way, go help him. You won't regret spending time on helping him, because you will be contributing to making a better gym wildlife. After all, a good kid eventually becomes a good lifter.

[niko777]

9) THE GOOD LIFTER

The Good Lifter is the matured form of the Good Kid. He know a lot about exercises and is a respectful lifter that undertands that he doesn't own the gym. His strength level is above average and, even if he is not huge, he is toned and it shows that he works out. He is working out to be stronger, healthier, and look better.

The Good Lifter will transmit to younger lifters the knowledge that he received himself from more experienced lifters. He is the kind of gym enthusiast that make the gym a better place.

[mmuscle86]

hahaha lol

[V.R.Goh]

10) THE LONE BEAST

The Lone Beast is a rare creature, as he is not often seen in the more commercial gyms. Usually they appear at night, when most gym-goers have left for the evening. He is usually, if not solely, found among the free weights. His strength level is above average and, as the name suggests, he is huge. The Lone Beast should be approached at your discretion, since there is a chance that he is either the Good Lifter or the "Natural" Teenager.

[niko777]

Hahaha, love it!

[fridge]

11) The ADHD Lifter

Usually, someone not particularly strong who is either a little overweight or fairly skinny. Their workout routine consists of a circuit involving every piece of equipment in the gym. Easily recognised by the trail of dumbells, kettlebells, bands, balls, and any other equipment that isn't bolted down. Also, very likely to ask ?Can I work in with you??

[Mdlftr]

Unfortunately, not all life forms in the gym are pleasant...


12) The Troll

This slimy creature may be found slithering around the perimeter of the gym or nearby environs, such as locker rooms or showers. Its primary characteristics are its large luminous eyes and glistening teeth. The posture is best described as "hunched" or "cringing" and its physique is flabby. It spends its time watching other gym denizens, rather than working out. When confronted, it continues to stare and show its teeth. Although essentially harmless, it has serious creep out potential. It can usually be frightened away with threatening words or gestures. Best avoided or ignored.

[niko777]

HAHAHAHA! Nice!

Ok, so the gym wildlife described here up to now is the following:

1) The Elder Hive
2) The Small Hunk
3) The Witch
4) The "Natural" Teenager
5) The Model in his 40's
6) The Black Hole
7) The Media Star
8) The Good Kid
9) The Good Lifter
10) The Lone Beast
11) The ADHD Lifter
12) The Troll

Thanks guys for participating, it's super fun to read what you have to say! Any other gym wildlife form, people?

[niko777]

13) THE FIT COUGAR

The Fit Gougar is a lady in her 40's-50's, even sometimes in her 60's that is a bit like The Witch, but less attractive and supernatural looking. She is quite old, and it shows, but she looks good nonetheless. He strength level is below average or average for a lady her age. Her physical traits are the following: tan skin, dyed hair, lots of makeup, hair extensions, fake nails, fake boobs and whitened teeth.

She can be a bother in the gym, since she tends to be attracted by younger lifters and wants to talk with them at all cost. She is not very strong or effective in her way of training, so she can slow down the general pace of the gym. Only talk to her if you are interested in older women.

[niko777]

14) THE TEENAGE WOLF PACK

The Teenage Wolf Pack is constituted of 3 or more teenagers who don't know what the heck they are doing in the gym. Being the opposite of The Good Kids, they are arrogant, dumb, and dangerous for themselves. They totally sacrifice the form of the exercises to lift more weight and impress the other members of the pack.

If not helped, they may become Bad Lifters, "Natural" teenagers, or Trolls. They are a real nuisance in the gym and you should not be afraid to show them who is the boss in the gym, since they tend to be easily impressed with physical prowess. Just lift twice the amount they are lifting in their face and they will listen to you.

[niko777]

15) THE BAD LIFTER

The Bad Lifter is a lifter who thinks he knows a lot about bodybuilding, when in fact he doesn't know anything. He wants to give advice to everybody to show his "knowledge". People told him countless times to change his ways, but he is way too proud to listen to them.

The Bad Lifter should be banned from the gym and people should never listen to what he says. If a Bad Lifter gives you advice, thank him, let him leave, AND DON'T DO WHAT HE SAID TO DO. Arguing with the Bad Lifter is useless most of the time and he will only listen if he gets hurt doing an exercise the wrong way.

[V.R.Goh]

16) THE STUDENT

The Student could be considered a subtype of the Good Kid. This species is like the Good Kid, but has done extensive research in weight lifting and bodybuilding, specifically on his desired fitness goals. The Student could also be seen as a progression of the Good Kid toward the Good Lifter. This species has the theories, but needs help putting them to practical use. The Student's body type can run the gamut from skinny to fat and anywhere in between. With a few nudges in the right direction, The Student can easily evolve into the Good Lifter.

[Mdlftr]

17) THE PREENING BLOWHARD

The Preening Blowhard is found in many gyms and out in public. Because of his unfortunately high incidence in the general and gym populations, he has mislead many casual observers of humanity to believe that he is representative of the male species and gym going regulars in particular. Nothing could be further from the truth! The Preening Blowhard is a self-limiting species as his behavior and appearance repel prospective mates.

He may be recognized by his general loud, obnoxious manner, which is exhibited in every action he takes, whether it is walking in the gym door, always punctuated by a loud "HIYA!" to whoever is on desk duty, to swaggering through the locker room, where his locker is always closed with a loud slam, followed by his progress to the lifting floor. He is sometimes accompanied by his sidekick, the Syncophantic Toady, who is described in another entry. Emerging from the locker room, Blowhard and Toady make their way to the flat benches, where Blowhard immediately takes possession of at least three benches: one for his weight belt, one for his water bottle and grungy towel, and one for Toady, who waits to do his master's bidding.

Blowhard and Toady then proceed to noisily load and unload weights on the bar, accompanied by lots of commentary such as, "Whoah, putting another set of 25s on there man? Wicked!!" and "Dude, I'm so sore from last night -- but you oughta see her! She can't hardly close her legs! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!"

Any repetitions of any exercise are always accompanied by loud grunting, gasping and occasional screaming. When using dumbbells, no matter how light, the last rep is always followed by flinging the dumbbells to the floor with much crashing and banging, followed by loud gasping for breath, as if a small mountain has been moved. Rests of at least 5 minutes are taken after all sets, no matter how light. When other gym denizens approach and ask if the benches are free, Blowhard will exclaim, "Hey man, can't you see we're workin' out here?!" After each resting period, Blowhard will get up from the bench and check himself out in the mirror. He will always do most muscular, double bicep and side tricep poses before he puts both hands behind his head, sticks out one leg and flexes it. This is done in order to check out his traps. Poses after working chest are more elaborate, and are described in Smith's 50-page monograph, "Observations of Gym Fauna, South Jersey, 2007-9". He seldom works legs, and has never been observed around the free weight squat platform, except to borrow a plate collar.

He favors loud colored clothing made of unnatural fibers, such as polyester and Quiana Nylon. In recent years the species is seen wearing Underarmour and hightop sneakers or Timberland boots, particularly in the showers. Grooming is minimalist, as the Preening Blowhard dreads encountering the Troll, who is often attracted to his loud displays.

The Blowhard is often observed outside the gym, where he wears his favored gym attire for weeks on end, often without washing it. His "manly musk" precedes him, serving as early warning for many of his potential victims. Those who are assaulted by his presence, such as fellow patrons of elevators and subway cars, are treated to a sensory overload of smells, sights and sounds, as Blowhard frequently regales total strangers with the latest exaggerated accounts of his lifts and his largely imaginary love life. In bars he is often found downing light beers, where he keeps up a running monologue with the bartender, who frequently calls in nauseated the next day.

Ultimately harmless, Blowhard is a sad figure, totally unaware of the effects of his behavior on those around him. He serves as a cautionary tale for all lifters, who dread becoming him, even in jest.

[EQQUS]

Where do I fit here?

Am I the bad lifter or the troll?


Mmmm but I do train.. that makes me a bad lifter, since Im not the good lifter and i've been in this business for a few years...


Or is it that Im a still not-described species?


YAY I feel special

[niko777]

Amazing entries, guys!

EQQUS, we would need more info to fit you into a species, loool!

[niko777]

18) THE SILVERBACK

The Silverback is a lifter that is generally around 50 years old. He is very strong and very experienced. He can be a valuable member of the gym fauna. However, the Silverback tends to be impatient with younger lifters and is not afraid to take his time to do his routines. He is generally bald and hairy.

Younger lifters are sometimes afraid of him, since his age, great physical condition and general attitude project and aura of well deserved overconfidence. The Elder Hive members talk with him sometimes, but not for long, because they realize they just can't keep up with him.

[niko777]

19) THE CASUAL LIFTER

The casual lifter is hard to describe, since he doesn't really have any trait in particular. He can be small, big, short or tall. He is usually in acceptable physical condition, and his strength level is average or slightly above.

The casual lifter is often joyful and will do his routine without bothering anybody. You couldn't say that he makes the gym life better, but he certainly doesn't make it worse. If encouraged, the casual lifter can easily become the Good Lifter.

[niko777]

20) THE CHEERLEADER

The cheerleader is a girl in her teens who is popular at school because she is pretty, athletic, and a bit naughty. She trains to stay in shape and be able to perform better during cheering sessions. Her strength level is usually above female average, and even if she doesn't use heavy weights, she is in pretty good shape.

The cheerleader is not a bother as long as there aren't too many creeps swarming around her. However, it's not her fault if she attracts them, so you should not blame her. If a Black Hole, a Troll, a Bad Lifter or a Preening Blowhard starts bothering her, come to her rescue and you will become more popular and appreciated in the gym.

[niko777]

21) THE VEIN FREAK

The Vein Freak has freaky veins that get engorged with blood as soon as he moves. He can be recognized by his extremely low body fat level. His strength level is above average, and he tends to lift by himself.

The Vein Freak can be proud of his beastly display of veins, but he can also be ashamed or even disgusted. If he looks proud about it, you can compliment him, but if he is not, don't bother. The Vein Freak can be a good workout partner once you know him and have his trust.

[dodoria21]

I'm enjoying what you guys are coming up with here. Very accurate too in describing the types of people you find in gyms.

I guess I am a mix of The Student and The Good Lifter with a dash of The Lone Beast heheh

[EQQUS]

Originally Posted by niko777

Amazing entries, guys!

EQQUS, we would need more info to fit you into a species, loool!

I have all the traits (or lack of ) for the casual lifter since I dont talk to anybody unless they talk to me first (I just dont wanna bother anyone), but happens that I workout 5/7 and quite intensely too.

Im not a tremendously good lifter but my strength is above average. also Im fat and hairy.

I guess Im a mix between the casual lifter and the lone beast. IDK

or may be Im just the Silent one

or the Bear.

[niko777]

EQQUS, I know what you are!

22) THE WORK IN PROGRESS

The Work in Progress is a lifter that, like the Casual lifter, is hard to describe, since he can be small, tall, slim or fat. His strength level is generally above average.

The Work in Progress could be considered to be the step just before the Good Lifter. He is not afraid to work hard to reach his goals.

[EQQUS]

I HAS LABEL!

*celebrates*

[vlad]

I think I'm probably somewhere between a good lifter, a casual lifter...and a troll. I'll fully admit that eye candy is definitely a factor in motivating me to go to the gym!

[paarke]

I'm not quite sure where this would fit in, but the last few times I've been to my gym, there has been an enormous woman in there, not meaning to be nasty, I'm not exactly thin, but she is huge. The thing is, she seems to spend hours in there but she never actually does anything, she goes and chats with the trainers, then she goes and gets a drink, then she sits down and has a gossip with her mates. I did see her on a treadmill once, but she was talking to the person on the one next to her and never actually switched it on. The only thing that seems to get any kind of workout is her jaw. She looks like she's just been and got a lot of new gym gear so maybe she doesn't want to get it sweaty and messed up.

[luvyalots]

I think I got one:

23. THE OLD SARGE

An elderly man, usually short and mid-60s or older, who wears an outdated wardrobe (i.e. short shorts, 40-year old glasses and off-off-white guinea T). He always does the same routine - 5 minutes on the treadmill (starting off with a military-style cadence to get his rhythm), lat pulldowns, chest press and ab machine. His technique on all equipment is atrocious - attempting to lift far more weight than is necessary - leading other gym-goers to fear for his safety due to his age and frail appearance. However, he is oblivious and generally keeps to himself.

...at least there's one of these guys in my gym...

[niko777]

Nice one, but don't forget to put a number in front of your definition! (in your case, 23) PLEEEEASE! If people just write without numbers, we will get lost when the time will come to make the dictionnary!

[Curiosity]

24) THE CASANOVA

In his twenties to early thirties, this lifter can be seen in the gym on a regular basis. Neither a newbie nor a professional bodybuilder, he is of average weight and above average physique. His body is toned and he has enough size to be impressive, but he focuses solely on the glamour muscles because he works out primarily to get laid. His upper body is very well-balanced, with a defined 6-pack, toned arms, and a sculpted chest.

When working out, he always takes a few second before each set to check his appearance and sometimes fix his well-styled hair. To be fair, he looks damn good.

His presence is neither beneficial to other lifters, nor is he a real nuisance. He may occasionally take a little too long with the equipment due to his own vanity, but he is harmless and can be amusing to watch.

This species has a latino variety known as the DON JUAN.

[V.R.Goh]

25) THE MARTINI GLASS

The Martini Glass is easily recognized once he steps out of the locker room. From the waist up, his muscles are large and well-developed. However, his legs leave much to be desired. They tend to be not as developed as the rest of him. He can often be found performing a myriad of upper-body exercises. As with many of the species found here, he can also fit other types, such as the Casanova and the Vein Freak. Proper guidance in lower-body exercises can turn the Martini Glass into the Good Lifter.

Edit: On a separate note, I actually know a Small Hunk. It's true; he's probably stronger than a lot of guys taller than him.

[niko777]

Nice, guys! There are a few Casanovas and Martini glasses at my gym! Hahahaha! And yeah, small hunks are often way stronger than you could imagine.

[niko777]

Originally Posted by paarke

I'm not quite sure where this would fit in, but the last few times I've been to my gym, there has been an enormous woman in there, not meaning to be nasty, I'm not exactly thin, but she is huge. The thing is, she seems to spend hours in there but she never actually does anything, she goes and chats with the trainers, then she goes and gets a drink, then she sits down and has a gossip with her mates. I did see her on a treadmill once, but she was talking to the person on the one next to her and never actually switched it on. The only thing that seems to get any kind of workout is her jaw. She looks like she's just been and got a lot of new gym gear so maybe she doesn't want to get it sweaty and messed up.

26. THE BLOB

The Blob is either male or female. The Blob wears loose and baggy clothes all the time, and does not really work out. It's not unusual to see the Blob sitting at the shake/juice bar talking with trainers, who generally don't give a sh** about her/him. Physically, the Blob is ENORMOUS, almost morbidly obese, and is surprisingly able to move. Sadly enough, very few Blobs succeed in actually making their body better by working out. A gastric bypass and a zealous personal trainer is often required for them to make progress.