HS Crush: Corey (Part 1?)

[ghifty]

So.. this is like my third story on here.

Please read through Part 1 (I've posted about 1/2 to 1/4 of what I want P1 to be) and give me criticism. I feel like the whole preface lacks any flow..

I hope you'll enjoy it, but I doubt you will.


Preface

Corey is my ideal man. He's tall; taller than all but one other person on the football team. He's muscular; being an Offensive lineman, Corey is full of definition-lacking big, round kind of muscle.. with a wide back and broad shoulders, and bulging biceps and an even bulgier ass. And he's a smarty. Corey's only 16, a Sophomore in HS (like me), and he's already taking college-level (AP) courses.

How many smart and sexy students are 6'5" tall and bulging with 280lbs of muscle? Not many.

And, I suppose, that's what makes our friendship so beautiful. In terms of almost everything that distinguishes a High School student, Corey is my opposite. He's 6'5", I'm 5'8". He's 280lbs, I'm 110lbs. He's a star-athlete, and I'm not even an athlete. I don't even need to be going into "other areas" where he's superior to me (and just about everyone else on campus).

That combination of sheer.. manliness.. is almost exactly describes the typical high school jock. You'd expect Corey to be an asshole, but truthfully he isn't. So long as you don't consider his testosterone-fueled cockiness.

The only people he's ever beaten up, are those on the field against him, and those other "asshole jocks" who make fun of my sort of friends--the smaller, average kids. Basically, he's like our Defender. Nobody hurts us without going through Corey first.

And, if that's not enough of an indication as to Corey's character.. I'll be frank. Corey is, without-a-doubt, the cutest (paradoxically) and kindest guy on campus. He has that smile--a combination between a smirk and grin--that melts me me everytime I see it. And his antics are hilarious and admirable, he's the class clown (and being so big, he really does stumble around classrooms). And, as far back as our friendship extends, I can't remember a time when Corey wasn't there for anyone feeling down. He'd always be there to comfort you with his "spiritual" presence, and protect you with his physical presence.

So, yeah. That's Corey.. my ideal man and my best-friend.

Oh, I forgot mention.. Corey insists he's "straight-as-an-arrow" but I don't trust that. Aside from the daily ass-grabbings and inspections in the locker room with fellow football players, the things that he doesn't get uncomfortable with me doing to him says otherwise (long glances, pinching and groping his muscles, etc.). He's never had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend for that matter) and he's never once exhibited lust or attraction towards a girl. I know I'm attracted to Corey and I'm sure he too knows of my attraction, but we just leave it at that. Unfortunately.

August 15th, 2009

<part 1 is still in progress>

[ghifty]

So, should I post more? Is it any good? What needs help (I know a lot does!).

[arpeejay]

I think you've made a good start, although I think you're right in thinking that a first chapter ought to be several times longer than what you've posted here.

A few editorial remarks:

1. Look up the definition of "prosaic." I think you're looking for another word.

2. Likewise, I think you mean "exhibited lust," not "exercised..."

3. "Testosterone," not "testorene."

4. Unless it's a first word, a proper name or an abbreviation (AP, HS) skip the caps. If you want to emphasize a word, use italics.

5. Likewise, if you're trying to set off a phrase as an aside, use double dashes instead of double periods.

Hope this helps.

xoxo

Richard

[cutlerfan]

You story shows real promise! I would be most interested as to what happens to the muscle stud!

[jen12smith34]

I'm really anxious to find out how Corey starts to grow! I hope he has big feet too

[ghifty]

Originally Posted by arpeejay

I think you've made a good start, although I think you're right in thinking that a first chapter ought to be several times longer than what you've posted here.

A few editorial remarks:

1. Look up the definition of "prosaic." I think you're looking for another word.

2. Likewise, I think you mean "exhibited lust," not "exercised..."

3. "Testosterone," not "testorene."

4. Unless it's a first word, a proper name or an abbreviation (AP, HS) skip the caps. If you want to emphasize a word, use italics.

5. Likewise, if you're trying to set off a phrase as an aside, use double dashes instead of double periods.

Hope this helps.

xoxo

Richard

Thanks.. those grammatical errors are embarrassing. This is probably why I shouldn't write right after a nap.

Originally Posted by jen12smith34

I'm really anxious to find out how Corey starts to grow! I hope he has big feet too

LOL! Me too!.. and I'll be sure to incorporate shoe-bursting sequences. Just for you.

[funboy]

Comments regarding grammatical/word/spelling errors etc. are never embarrassing unless you ignore. Richard's (and any similar) are simply comments from which to learn. It is a great start and a story that shows interesting promise. You have intrigued me and I hope you continue. I find myself very drawn to this story and look forward to how it unwinds.

[Mdlftr]

Ghifty,

To add to Richard's always spot on comments, let me mention a few other considerations:

1. What is the story about?
2. Where is it set?
3. What are the elements that drive the plot? A quest for growth, a search for love, an attempt to find safety?
4. Who are the main characters? How do they relate to each other? Are they friends, enemies, neutral or unknown to each other?
5. Where is the story going? Does it have a clear beginning, middle and end?


These are just some guidelines to keep in mind. I keep these in the back of my mind when I'm either reading or writing a story. I find that these signposts help me when I'm creating a scenario and bringing it to fruition.

Good luck!

Mdlftr