Helping A Friend..

[KASHAE]

It was a brisk morning outside of your hometown of Pittsburgh,and we were on the road on our way to help an ex-girlfriend of yours you recently became reacquainted with while visiting your mother. It was one of those rare autumn mornings where you could smell the leaves actually change color!LOL Anyway the ride there was a bit quiet..."Baby,will you get your head out of that GQ magazine-look at all this beautiful foliage happening!! It's not like you can wear anything those twinkish models have on!! Hahahaha!!" You laughed. I quickly leered out of the publication and rolled my eyes at you. "Are you still pissed about us renting a HUMMER while we're visiting?" I grumbled while flipping a page."We went over this already-two guys-like us-can't fit in a regular SUV." You begin to rub my leg. "It's so damaging to the planet..." I muttered. "Don't forget how DAMAGING you can be." You said. I sighed. A few days ago we rented an Escallade. We went out to one of your favorite steakhouses, and had three ten ounce sirloins,medium rare;suffice to say, red meat has always been a turn on to you and the thought of us each eating two and a half pounds of meat to nurture our ever expanding physiques was always fuel to our fiery sexual desires. A synchronized echo of growls-"GGGRRRrrrr.." emit from our table. You can see some of the other patrons look around for a wild animal or two; you can even hear some people ask: "Was that a bear I heard? Do they have tigers in here?" Veins start to pulse through our cartoonishly thick trap muscles. We give each other intense glares that pretty much sum up that it's time to leave or else EVERYONE in the restaurant was in danger. You pay the bill and we soon head out to the truck in the parking lot. You give me a deep kiss on the lips before heading into the vehicle. This works works me up like crazy!! Before you can hit the unlock button for the passenger door-" CRAAIINCH!!" The door is torn off the hinge of the truck! I'm holding the 75 pound door as if it's made of styrofoam! I start to blush:"Sorry David" You chuckle and quickly cackle-"It's okay baby. Hahahahahahahaha.."

"It wasn't funny! You know that was by accident." You're still cackling wiping a tear from your eye and steadily regain your composure. "Marc, I actually thought that was so hot. You don't even know you're own FREAK strength. It's cute." I pout my lips. "It's not cute. It was embarrassing-AND EXPENSIVE! (sigh)It's not normal how strong we get when we're on cycle David. I don't think professional strongmen get as strong as we do." I began to finally gaze at the passing autumnal atmosphere framing the road. "Marc,what we can do is a real gift. I think it's awesome,what we can do. It comes in handy sometimes you know". I turn away from the window and face you. We've done serious harm to past lovers before we met each other. Sometimes I don't think I can forgive myself." Tears begin to well up in my eyes. You find a spot and pull over. You exit the truck and signal me to get out as well. As I lean against the passenger door, you wrap your boulder filled python arms around my waist and lean your head into my face." Baby,you have to let that go. What matters is, is that we found each other..and we have better control of our superhuman strength. YES-we're still learning,but at least we're not doing it by ourselves. IT'S US. JUST US-no matter what." I clutch the twenty pound bowling ball delts of yours and tilt my head to your lips. And you give me the warmest and deepest kiss since that night at the steakhouse. It's was like looking at a Michaelangelo sculpture come to life-as he was famous for painting and sculpting overly muscled humans.I can feel your muscle rod from my crotch onward on my abdominal muscles.It feels like a heated crow bar through the fabric of our clothing. "Are you not worried she's gonna freak out when she sees how massive you've become?" You crack a sly grin. "We ARE FREAKS. What more would I expect from anyone else?" I give a boyish chuckle." Well..I still hate the HUMMER." We make our way back into the behemoth like utility vehicle. "Goddamn you're such a liberal! " I cross my arms as you hop back in the drivers' side."Just get in the car and let me in.." You stick your head out the window,"Just try not to tear the door off the hinge this time! Hahahahahaha!" You're never gonna let me off the hook for that one......TO BE CONTINUED.

[arpeejay]

Very nice, Big Man!

One suggestion:

Break up the big paragraphs into many little ones. That will help with readability. One trick is to start every new bit of dialogue on a new line, for example:

"It wasn't funny! You know that was by accident."

You're still cackling wiping a tear from your eye and steadily regain your composure.

"Marc, I actually thought that was so hot. You don't even know you're own FREAK strength. It's cute."

I pout my lips.

"It's not cute. It was embarrassing-AND EXPENSIVE! (sigh)It's not normal how strong we get when we're on cycle David. I don't think professional strongmen get as strong as we do."

I began to finally gaze at the passing autumnal atmosphere framing the road.

I look forward to reading more!

xoxo

Richard

[KASHAE]

Thanks Richard! I don't understand the writing format here-I always presumed it shouldn't be any different from an essay,something you read in a magazine,book or any other kind of publication.Everyone's literate here right?

[arpeejay]

There is no standard here, other than the default presentation: small font on a black background (i.e., somewhat difficult to read.) Big text blocks are themselves inherently difficult to read. Put the two together and a lot of people (me included) won't bother to struggle with it. Breaking up the text promotes readability.

Your mileage may vary, of course.

All the best...

Richard

[nypup2train]

As someone who uses the black-on-light-blue site theme (because I don't completely hate my retinas!), I can assure you that it's no more readable in a different color scheme. It's not about the coloring, it's about the formatting and the medium.

KASHAE, "like a magazine, book, or any other kind of publication" simply doesn't work on the web ? with a few exceptions. The layout is totally different (very wiiiiide screens that make for long lines... really, far too long for comfortable reading). And the text doesn't have the advantage of being typeset in print-resolution fonts, or with strongly-defined and rigidly-adhered-to formatting rules.

Those formatting rules are especially important, because when they're reliably predictable (as they are in any professionally-edited publication, the very earliest clown-barf issues of Wired a notable exception), they provide visual cues that the reader can pick up on and quickly learn to expect. We use those cues mostly subconsciously, to predictively enhance and streamline the visual process of scanning words off of a page.

On the web, the author or editor is responsible for creating those cues, to help the reader comfortably make their way through the text without getting lost or distracted. That's part of why (as you may have noticed), when print magazines publish their stories online, they typically squeeze the text into a narrow column that's maybe 40% or less of the page width, surrounded by sidebars and menus. It's not because they hate you, but because their magazine-layout-targeted content would look horrible spread out across the entire window. And it would be hella hard to read!

(They also tend to break it into tiny chunks, across multiple pages. That's definitely because they hate you! And it defeats one of the chief advantages of web-based content ? the infinite vertical "page".)

I mentioned exceptions to my statement above ? the primary exception from print media would be the fiction novel. If you look at novels, they're not laid out like other books (textbooks, reference books, etc.) They're typically set with extremely short paragraphs, and with dialogue broken out into separate lines. Exactly as RPJ's advocating here.

[nypup2train]

I decided to look back into my post history, and find the last time I bloviated regarding paragraph lengths on the site; all of the advice I offered then is applicable. It's here, for anyone who cares.

[KASHAE]

Originally Posted by nypup2train

I decided to look back into my post history, and find the last time I bloviated regarding paragraph lengths on the site; all of the advice I offered then is applicable. It's here, for anyone who cares.

ok whatever....

[Lucas88]

KASHAE,

Don't take offense from the comments here. These two previous posters are truly guys who want to help so people will read your work.

These are stories, not articles or essays. The big difference in what you're writing here and a magazine or an essay is dialogue and action of two or more people. Magazines and some books (narrative, without characters mostly) are typically just one person (the writer) explaining something. The work doesn't have the different trains of thought of multiple people that require breaking up the paragraphs to keep straight WHO is talking or doing something. Even when he's quoting someone, the writer is the only one doing something and the quote is a tool embedded in the writing...it's not a separate thought or response to something, typically, it's an example of the point being made. Dialogue in a story is a back and forth between two or more different people.

YOU know who is saying what in your story but someone looking at it cold without your insight into the characters in your head can get confused without paragraphs signaling some kind of change or signaling a response to something that happens or is said.

A simple rule of thumb: when you change who is talking or when you change who is doing something in a story, hit the return key.

We want to read what you write...help us get into your head more easily and understand what you really mean.

Lucas

[nnnrg]

I want to encourage you to continue writing this story. The feedback you got was not a negative take on your writing, just advice to make it easier to read.

And Lucas made a good point there, you are telling a story, not writing an essay. Dialogue is generally easier to read and keep track of when the individual speakers are separated by at least a new line, and even better, by a blank line, because on the web you don't generally care if you use a little extra "paper" to enhance readability.

But if you don't find it natural to format things differently, and it keeps you from writing, then you could always have a proofreader go over it for you and reformat things. That gives you the benefit of a trustworthy eye to catch spelling and the very rare grammar or narrative glitch. I'm sure several of us readers would volunteer to do that for you.

[nypup2train]

Originally Posted by Lucas88

Don't take offense from the comments here. These two previous posters are truly guys who want to help so people will read your work.

Indeed! Beyond that ? and, more selfishly ? we want to be able to read your work, comfortably, without having to struggle because of something as trivial and completely fixable as formatting issues.

I fear I've offended you, and I do apologize if "I can assure you that it's no more readable in a different color scheme" came off wrong. I was, perhaps, a little short. But to be perfectly honest, your parting shot, "Everyone's literate here right?" made me bristle.

When RPJ takes the time to be helpful and gets a response back that seems to amount to, "I'm doing everything great, it's the losers here who apparently aren't capable of appreciating my brilliance!"... well, it doesn't make the best impression. Not to mention makes me less careful about how I word things.

But my "readable" comment was mostly referring to the site template (something you have no control over), rather than your text itself, honestly. And I certainly wasn't making any statement about the quality of your writing. Because the simple truth is, I haven't read it yet!

What Richard wrote about large blocks of text "scaring" people off is completely true, and the fact of the matter is that when I see a story here that looks like it'll take more work than normal to read, it goes right to the bottom of my "pile". I may eventually get to it, but I'll read all of the ones that I (a) know, (b) have been following, and (c) can comfortably digest first. Then I'll tackle what's left over, even going in and breaking up the paragraphs myself if need be. I offered up my input in the (again) selfish hope that you'd take care of that, so I won't have to.

And if so, I'd probably already have read your story. Especially since it looked like something I'd like, from my quick skimming of this first chapter. And the installments aren't overly long or involved, another plus, since that way I can pretty quickly get a feel for the story. And for the author! ? I look forward to reading posts from new faces, so that's another reason I'm looking forward to reading yours.

But as it stands, there are at least 30 or 40 posts ahead of it. Until then, I can't comment one way or the other on the story itself, or your writing. But I can explain ? take it or leave it ? what's holding me back from checking it out.

[KASHAE]

Originally Posted by nypup2train

Indeed! Beyond that ? and, more selfishly ? we want to be able to read your work, comfortably, without having to struggle because of something as trivial and completely fixable as formatting issues.

I fear I've offended you, and I do apologize if "I can assure you that it's no more readable in a different color scheme" came off wrong. I was, perhaps, a little short. But to be perfectly honest, your parting shot, "Everyone's literate here right?" made me bristle.

When RPJ takes the time to be helpful and gets a response back that seems to amount to, "I'm doing everything great, it's the losers here who apparently aren't capable of appreciating my brilliance!"... well, it doesn't make the best impression. Not to mention makes me less careful about how I word things.

But my "readable" comment was mostly referring to the site template (something you have no control over), rather than your text itself, honestly. And I certainly wasn't making any statement about the quality of your writing. Because the simple truth is, I haven't read it yet!

What Richard wrote about large blocks of text "scaring" people off is completely true, and the fact of the matter is that when I see a story here that looks like it'll take more work than normal to read, it goes right to the bottom of my "pile". I may eventually get to it, but I'll read all of the ones that I (a) know, (b) have been following, and (c) can comfortably digest first. Then I'll tackle what's left over, even going in and breaking up the paragraphs myself if need be. I offered up my input in the (again) selfish hope that you'd take care of that, so I won't have to.

And if so, I'd probably already have read your story. Especially since it looked like something I'd like, from my quick skimming of this first chapter. And the installments aren't overly long or involved, another plus, since that way I can pretty quickly get a feel for the story. And for the author! ? I look forward to reading posts from new faces, so that's another reason I'm looking forward to reading yours.

But as it stands, there are at least 30 or 40 posts ahead of it. Until then, I can't comment one way or the other on the story itself, or your writing. But I can explain ? take it or leave it ? what's holding me back from checking it out.

not putting a gun to anyone's head: if it's not the format in which you like to read things,then so be it. Not my loss...they're just words. Never said I was "brilliant" either-so relax....

[Xyggurat]

Originally Posted by KASHAE

not putting a gun to anyone's head: if it's not the format in which you like to read things,then so be it. Not my loss...they're just words. Never said I was "brilliant" either-so relax....

You're getting defensive and there's no reason to be.

You obviously posted because you want people to read your story/stories. People are offering you advice to increase the likelihood that they won't shut the window when due fear that a wall of text might fall on them and crush them.

-X-