Support, or lack of

[spokenthunder]

[COLOR=white]If this sort of thread has been posted elsewhere, I?m sorry for the repeat. I post very rarely on this forum, so I don?t keep track of what?s already been covered. However, I could use some advice on the subject.[/COLOR]
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[COLOR=white]A good friend of mine and occasional workout buddy from the Forum was kind enough to sign a photograph of him from a bodybuilding contest. He gave it to me as workout motivation, and I certainly plan on using it as such. [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=white]However, the other day, my mother asked me what was the last thing that made me smile, and I showed her my friend?s signed photograph. She took it, carefully studied the figure and the silver ink, and the pushed it back to me. She then went into a long soliloquy about how utterly disgusting bodybuilders are, how grotesque my friend looked posing on stage. She pointed out particular muscles, saying how unnatural it was for men to look like that, that there?s nothing wrong with toning up or losing weight, but bodybuilding was wrong. Through her speech, I clamped my mouth tight out of respect.[/COLOR]
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[COLOR=white]She then looked at me sternly and said, ?You don?t want to look like that, do you? You don?t want to get that big?? Looking down, I couldn?t be honest with her about my own desires, goals, or dreams. I didn?t want to disappoint her, so I just gave a half-lie ?Maybe...? I don?t know what she would do if I was honest with her. It?s difficult living up to others? standards of what you should or should not be. [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=white]After the question, I felt as if she didn?t want to discuss the matter further. I thought about it later, thinking about what my father would say, how he taunts me about going to the gym, making fun of my progress (or completely ignoring them). It?s the same way when I was forced out of the closet; I became one big running joke, and now they have something else to laugh about at my expense.[/COLOR]
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[COLOR=white]The point of this: what do you do when your family doesn?t support your bodybuilding desires or goals? How do you cope with the lack of support, and how do/could you defend yourself from the onslaught of jokes, taunts, and dismissals? When you don?t have that sort of support from your family, who do you turn to when you need somebody to talk with? [/COLOR]
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[COLOR=white]Perhaps these are silly questions, but as a shy, withdrawn individual, it?s hard to go about and stand up for myself to my family or reach out to others. Any advice (or support, ha) would be greatly appreciated, so thank you.[/COLOR]

[arpeejay]

It's really simple:

Your family either loves you unconditionally or you build an emotional wall between yourself and the (excuse me, it's true) assholes who would lay claim to your life just because you happen to be related to them by blood.

You can love them but don't expect to have their approval or anything actually "loving" in return.

For that, look to people who are willing to love you for who you are, what you are, and what you want to be. They're out there, just waiting, so go find 'em. (And, yes, a lot of them are right here.)

xoxo

Richard

[arpeejay]

Also...

:: Hugs ::

xoxo

Richard

[Mdlftr]

Bodybuilding is just one of many subjects where our blood families can surprise and disappoint us with their lack of support.

FWIW, oftentimes family members are completely clueless as to what this lack of support does to your feelings or self confidence. They repond from a place of their own, either from insecurity or jealousy or misunderstanding of what you want.

Bodybuilding does not have a very good reputation to the average Joe on the street. Most people think it is a collection of weird, grotesques who take drugs, engage in deviant sexual practices, fly into uncontrollable rages and die young from exploding livers.

This is a media driven stereotype which has limited basis in fact or reality. Still, most people take the stereotype they "think" they know over the reality they are afraid to learn about.

I suspect that this may partially be the case here. Your sexual identity as a gay man may be completely irrelevant to your parent's thinking about bodybuilding. I'm straight and my father still hectors me to this day about "don't hurt yourself" in the gym. He is very insecure about his own physique, which, like mine, has always been very tall and lean. While low bodyfat is great, the lack of noticeable bulging muscle doesn't make most people go "wow!" when they see you -- which is part of the reason I work out. It feels great to be bigger and healthier than many other people!

Bottom line: sometimes you have to go your own way and find your support where you can. Part of growing up is being able to look parents or parental figures in the face and say, "Thank you for your opinion. I don't agree. I'm going to do "X" because "reason". Let's talk about something else. [Case closed]"

You make the decision to follow your dream everyday. Some days you follow it more closely than others, but you keep on.

Believe me, the self respect you get from yourself in perservering is awesome!

Good luck!


Mdlftr

[spokenthunder]

Thank you both for your advice; I really do appreciate it.

Richard: First, *hugs* Second, regarding your two scenarios, while my parents probably do love me, the latter is most likely correct. I've come to a point in my life where my "family" is less of my blood relatives and more of people who do love me for who I am and encourage me to be whoever I want to be. That's why I'm so grateful for a forum like this; otherwise, I wouldn't have anywhere to express my desires and pursuit of bodybuilding (as long-termed and farfetched as it is). I want to surround myself with more people who do appreciate and love me for who I am, and if I can find more people like that around here, that would make me happy.

Mdlfter: I do believe my parents don't realize how their lack of support crushes my feelings and self-esteem. I hold all my feelings in, so they wouldn't know, but it does hurt. While it probably doesn't have anything to do with my sexuality, I do feel that the situations are similar. I come from a very conservative, Roman Catholic family, so I'm kind of an outcast and different from everyone else, and anything out of what's expected is considered bad and unwanted. That's just my thought.

I have trouble standing up for myself, even to my family, but I do want to get to a point where I CAN tell my parents what I want, that I'm going to do it, and they can't stop me (or something along those lines). In this case, it would be for bodybuilding. I have to get over the fact that I will disappoint them and realize that that's alright, since I can't repress my own desires to make others happy. It's a game of perseverence that I don't want to play any long if it's at the cost of my own happiness or sanity. And that's not to say I don't go to the gym; I do and work out very hard. I just keep most of my thoughts and experiences at the gym to myself because my family doesn't want to hear it.

I think being more honest with myself and my family will help me feel more at ease with myself and continue with my pursuit of bodybuilding...and bodybuilding does make me very happy and has made a great impact on my life so far.

[Ragetiger]

My parents are the same way. No matter what I do to make myself happy, they just don't approve. Just simply ignore them. Once you get away from them, they you won't have to worry about how they feel about your desire to grow muscular.

Right now my parents were told by doctors to lose weight, what do they do. Replace a meal with a cup of yogurt. No exercise or joining me in the gym. I swear they are a lost cause. They claim it costs too much, only costing about 25 dollars a month. Yet they have enough money to buy a new Nintendo 3DS XL and five games. Almost spent enough money to get two full year gym memberships. TWO.

[spokenthunder]

Ragetiger: I think that's the way my parents are...they've just gotten to the point where they don't approve anything I do to make myself. I have a feeling things will change when I'm living on my own, which I think is bound to happen once I get out of graduate school.

Again, when it comes to fitness, it's the same way. For example, my sister will go on some fad diet, and I won't say a peep because my head will get ripped off. It's funny, though, because you think they'd want to ask me for advice since I'm the one who's lost a ton of weight and works out basically every day...but no, what do I know what I'm talking about? I digress.

Anyways, I feel your pain. Things will get better as time passes...and I surround myself with people who want be to get more muscular and in-shape.

[inflated]

I am lucky in two ways, first I was always the muscular kid so genetically my family gave me that gift. But more importantly, I have a great support team in my family and they have been the motivating push that has really been great. Regardless, you have to love what you do. Do it because you want it, regardless of the support.

[BigLittleTim]

I just read this thread for the first time today. Believe me, I've had plenty of experience with family non-support. I come from an Irish Catholic family that was always ready to knock the mickey out of you if they thought you were getting too big for your britches. The general atmosphere was one of "Who the hell do you think you are to be better/bigger/more talented than anyone else. It has its roots in the idea of humility, which is a virtue, but can be taken to extreme when you feel everyone else has a right to be happy and achieve their dream... everyone else but you. It took me years to get to a pointnwhere I can look at myself and not go into a constant internal rant: Stupid, ugly, puny, worthless piece of shit... (repeat). Getting out on your own is a huge first step towards being happy and making your own life away from the judgement of others. Their judgement is often based on their own feelings of losing the power they have over you, their own insecurities about not being good looking or powerful, and the unacknowleged rage that their lives are pretty much stuck, and you have your whole life still ahead of you... a lofe you can do ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH.

Would like to help you out with this anytime, little bro.

BIG TIM

[Mdlftr]

Originally Posted by BigLittleTim

I just read this thread for the first time today. Believe me, I've had plenty of experience with family non-support. I come from an Irish Catholic family that was always ready to knock the mickey out of you if they thought you were getting too big for your britches. The general atmosphere was one of "Who the hell do you think you are to be better/bigger/more talented than anyone else. It has its roots in the idea of humility, which is a virtue, but can be taken to extreme when you feel everyone else has a right to be happy and achieve their dream... everyone else but you. It took me years to get to a pointnwhere I can look at myself and not go into a constant internal rant: Stupid, ugly, puny, worthless piece of shit... (repeat). Getting out on your own is a huge first step towards being happy and making your own life away from the judgement of others. Their judgement is often based on their own feelings of losing the power they have over you, their own insecurities about not being good looking or powerful, and the unacknowleged rage that their lives are pretty much stuck, and you have your whole life still ahead of you... a lofe you can do ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH.

Would like to help you out with this anytime, little bro.

BIG TIM

I read this and thought, "Wait, did I write this?!"

Great points, every one!

You're not responsible for the family you grew up with or what they do after you leave home. What you do with your life is up to you, whether encouragement is forthcoming or not.

Good luck!

Mdlftr

[BigLittleTim]

How many times have I been told by my Mom that if I get any bigger I won't be able to fit into any clothes. I want to say that it is my DREAM to not be able to fit into clothes. This is like telling your adult children that they shouldn't try to make more money because you will have to find places to invest it.

I look at it this way: These people have always been able to tell you what to do, when to do it, and what you are capable of. It must be terrifying for some parents to know that their kids just might achieve something amazing they never accomplished themselves. it's the first whif of mortality, that your life is beginning in earnest and they are beginning the long slide into old age. It doesn't make it right, but it may help you to forgive them as you move on into the future.

BIG TIM

[spokenthunder]

Originally Posted by BigLittleTim

I just read this thread for the first time today. Believe me, I've had plenty of experience with family non-support. I come from an Irish Catholic family that was always ready to knock the mickey out of you if they thought you were getting too big for your britches. The general atmosphere was one of "Who the hell do you think you are to be better/bigger/more talented than anyone else. It has its roots in the idea of humility, which is a virtue, but can be taken to extreme when you feel everyone else has a right to be happy and achieve their dream... everyone else but you. It took me years to get to a pointnwhere I can look at myself and not go into a constant internal rant: Stupid, ugly, puny, worthless piece of shit... (repeat). Getting out on your own is a huge first step towards being happy and making your own life away from the judgement of others. Their judgement is often based on their own feelings of losing the power they have over you, their own insecurities about not being good looking or powerful, and the unacknowleged rage that their lives are pretty much stuck, and you have your whole life still ahead of you... a lofe you can do ANYTHING YOU WANT WITH.

Would like to help you out with this anytime, little bro.

BIG TIM

Tim, thank you for your kindness. I still struggle with that extreme humility. It happens to me at work where I overexert myself to make everyone happy (which I'm working on letting go of), and it certainly happens at home. If I keep my mouth shut about what I feel and think, I don't get yelled at, I don't get kicked out.

I am very, very familiar with that internal rant, as it possesses me frequently. I'm working on getting to a point where I can actually think or say nice things about myself.

Right now, though things aren't ideal, I'm working on circumstances so I can set myself for the opportune moment to escape. It's all I can do to survive mentally between my parents.

I welcome your kindness and support. You know where to find me.

[spokenthunder]

Originally Posted by BigLittleTim

How many times have I been told by my Mom that if I get any bigger I won't be able to fit into any clothes. I want to say that it is my DREAM to not be able to fit into clothes. This is like telling your adult children that they shouldn't try to make more money because you will have to find places to invest it.

I look at it this way: These people have always been able to tell you what to do, when to do it, and what you are capable of. It must be terrifying for some parents to know that their kids just might achieve something amazing they never accomplished themselves. it's the first whif of mortality, that your life is beginning in earnest and they are beginning the long slide into old age. It doesn't make it right, but it may help you to forgive them as you move on into the future.

BIG TIM

These thoughts, too:

I wrote this somewhere else, but my mom has expressed that "clothing concern" to me, too, in a negative light. (Not that I'm anything special in that department by any means).

It's not about forgiveness to me, but rather just a wish that they'd be supportive to me. But then, nothing in my life, be it my education, career, sexuality, muscle pursuits has ever truly gained their approval and encouragement. It's why I end up looking in a place like this for help, because I don't know where else to turn, or ask.

I don't know what my parents (or family members) are thinking, but I couldn't muster to courage how horrible they make me feel about myself. And the more stifled I feel in that environment, the more urgent my escape becomes, as my own happiness and well-being is at stake.

[talln22]

I love what BigLittle wrote, and can tell you first hand that I can identify with how this sucks. The only advice I can give you is that you don't confuse loving your family with seeking their approval. If you are seeking their approval, you will get their desires and completely neglect yours in the process. You do this for YOU, no one else. You don't do it only for the reason of how other people perceive you, you want to be satisfied with the results for you.

If you want to channel their lack of approval, use it to motivate. Know that when you're busting out that extra rep, or mixing your next shake that you are making changes that you view as positive in so many ways. Channel it into resources that help you grow and progress. As long as you keep a healthy self image and reasonable goals that you know will be lifetime changes, you should find fewer obstacles. You will still get the snarky comments in some situations, and in a perfect world everyone would be supportive. Just don't lose focus of what you are trying to attain. Some things work with that goal, other things work against it. I prefer removing or limiting obstacles anyway you can, and if that includes never discussing your goals with them--so be it.

I can tell you from first-hand experience that family issues have plagued me, thanks to a bi-polar mother. It took almost a year of not even talking to her to get her to realize that she didn't have control over my life in many ways. I still loved her, and dealt with some very difficult times, but now my family knows I will do what I want for me. I don't avoid my family, I make sure to talk to them as much as I can and tell them I love them regularly. II'm still the son that gets a lot of comments and support but I used to deal with all the comments of why I didn't do things the way they wanted. They seem to understand that I am an adult and have my own goals and desires. If they choose to support, that's great and I thank them. If they don't, their observations are noted and the conversation doesn't get drawn out.

I can say that now, I'm getting many compliments on how I'm looking, what eating habits I have, and I hear how the golden children (my older bros) have gotten fat and are out of shape and could use a page or two from my book. I didn't start out making my personal changes by seeking their approval or support. I had to prepare to do this on my own, and I know from previous comments how poorly my parents think of bodybuilders and how vain they are, or grotesque they look, or how they are probably on steroids, that they wouldn't be behind my goals 100%.

Your goals and desires hinge on what you think and put into it. If it's something you aren't prepared to do on your own, without the support of others, then it may not be what you really want or you aren't prepared for it just yet. Stop seeking their approval and start seeking yours. You got a great group around you on this board that you can communicate with and offer support that will probably be better than the approval of family Good luck man, use it to grow and be stronger for it.

[PECLICKER]

Nice words man
and spoken from the heart!!

[BigLittleTim]

Hear-hear, Talln22!

Well spoke, again!

[BigLittleTim]

Someone once said: "The man who waits for someone to tell him what to do with his life will never be told to do great things."

That's the spirit that first got me into the gym. Remember, most moms want their sons to be good little boys, not great big men.

That said, I am always a little creeped out by guys who buff up and then surprise/show off for their parents' mortified delectation when they see them for the first time after a year. CREEPY, Oedipal fantasy fulfillment.

BIG TIM

[Mdlftr]

Originally Posted by BigLittleTim

Someone once said: "The man who waits for someone to tell him what to do with his life will never be told to do great things."

That's the spirit that first got me into the gym. Remember, most moms want their sons to be good little boys, not great big men.

That said, I am always a little creeped out by guys who buff up and then surprise/show off for their parents' mortified delectation when they see them for the first time after a year. CREEPY, Oedipal fantasy fulfillment.

BIG TIM

....And you say that like it's a BAD thing!

If you have no control starting out, it's great to finally get some and show them!



Mdlftr

[BigLittleTim]

Flexing your muscles for your Mom is just damned creepy, no two ways about it. Your FRIENDS' moms... Maybe.

(Koo-koo-cachoo, Mrs. Robinson.)

[Mdlftr]

Originally Posted by BigLittleTim

Flexing your muscles for your Mom is just damned creepy, no two ways about it. Your FRIENDS' moms... Maybe.

(Koo-koo-cachoo, Mrs. Robinson.)

"Benjamin, I have ONE word for you: 'plastic'"

[What would that mean in today's world? "IT"? "Sythol?" Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson!]

[spokenthunder]

Originally Posted by talln22

I love what BigLittle wrote, and can tell you first hand that I can identify with how this sucks ... You got a great group around you on this board that you can communicate with and offer support that will probably be better than the approval of family Good luck man, use it to grow and be stronger for it.

Talln22, thank you for your words. I am confusing love for approval, probably because most of my life has revolved around seeking their approval and not getting it, therefore feeling unloved. This, too, goes for getting approval (or even acknowledgment) from people in general. It's a very dangerous thing, and has often left me depressed, as I never feel "good enough" to meet others' expectations.

The funny thing is, I started going to the gym for my own reasons, not because people told me to. In fact, I'm probably in better shape than everyone in my family (which, of course, leads to me getting ridiculed for it). And the more time I think about it, the more I realize I do have to do this for me, for my overall mental health. And I do need to focus on the positives, rather than the negatives revolved around others' perceptions (which, of course, is difficult to do).

My parents don't support my goals, and I'm tired of being made fun of, so similar to anything in my life, I suppose I need to just keep it to myself and not mention it.

As someone who is extremely hard on myself, it's hard to get my own approval, if that makes any sense, but it's something I'm working on.

Bodybuilding is something that I do (quietly) enjoy, and something I am pursuing. I know it's right for me and it makes me happy and feel more like myself over time, so I don't plan on giving it up.

I suppose that's why I look for support from people on here...because I don't get it anywhere else. It's greatly appreciated, and makes me feel motivated to continue with my goals. So...thank you, everyone. You don't know how much your kindness means to me.

[spokenthunder]

Originally Posted by BigLittleTim

Someone once said: "The man who waits for someone to tell him what to do with his life will never be told to do great things."

That's the spirit that first got me into the gym. Remember, most moms want their sons to be good little boys, not great big men.

That said, I am always a little creeped out by guys who buff up and then surprise/show off for their parents' mortified delectation when they see them for the first time after a year. CREEPY, Oedipal fantasy fulfillment.

BIG TIM

Tim,

You're right. I've done enough waiting around in my life for people to express their approval. So, I am continuing in the gym because it makes me happy, and I think something great will come about from it...don't you?

As for showing off: I would never surprise/show off to my parents. They'd be disappointed in me (I've already had to convince my mom I wasn't taking steroids), sure, but I'd probably do my best to just change the subject.

[BigLittleTim]

Spokenthunder,

One of the most basic lessons I learned, in my personal development, was that you have to be on your own side. If THEY are against you, and YOU are against you, you are going to be outnumbered. First thing you dom you get on your own side and start backing the home team. This doesn't mean you must turn against those who don't support you, just realize that they aren't the boss of you.

I will share one of my mantras with you. I use this not only when I feel an attack of low self-esteem coming on, but also when I feel like taking someone down for a perceived slight or disrespect on their part. I say to myself: "Tim is for Tim. Tim is against no one." That's it. I am not in the gym to be bigger or more intimidating than anyone else. They do not have that power over me. I am doing this for ME. They can admire me for it, which is great, or they can hate/envy me for it, which is sad for them, but I will treat those two imposters (as Kipling would say) the same.

BIG TIM

[spokenthunder]

Tim,

(Call me Peter, if you'd like. It feels silly to have you or anybody call me by my username)

Thank you for your kind words. I tend to have bouts where my mood shifts and I do feel "against me". And you're right; what I need to do is back myself up/stick up for myself and take control, realize that I am the only boss of myself.

Thank you for sharing your mantra, Tim. I get low self-esteem attacks at the gym easily, so this will probably help. And yes, I am trying to do everything for ME over what other people want or perceive of me.

[cohzaku]

On a slightly lighter note, my mother kind of did this without even realising it.

When I was in primary school, maybe 6 or 7 years old, she was driving my home after picking me up. A rather bulky ripped high schooler walked by and I heard her say "Ugh, I hate guys like that."

Of course, she never said specifically what she hated about him (or maybe she did...it was 16+ years ago!), but cue a few years later when I developed the startings of my muscle fetish and desires to have a ripped well-muscled body, that memory always came back to me, so I became self-concious of my body around her, and felt the need to hide my body and gains (not that I had many...). Even now, when I'm really serious in the gym, while I have no problem discussing diet with her, I still get nervous about the bodybuilding aspect of my life because of that old memory.

Funny thing is that, deep down, I definitely feel that she'd support my goals, but because of one little ancient memory, I just cannot bring myself to openly talk about that side of my life.

[spokenthunder]

An update of sorts:

Here is my favorite birthday present: Coming out of the Vitamin Shoppe in Manchester, my dad and I get into his car and drive. Since he seemed to be in a good mood, I take the opportunity to come out to him about my body goals and what I want to do when I actually make enough money to support such a lifestyle.

And instead of yelling, calling me names, or laughing, he says calmly, "Well, you know, it's not my "thing" as you can tell, but if it makes you happy, then I support you. It doesn't make me think any differently about you, and I still love you."

[jclikestoplay]

^hear hear.

If you guys have that issue with your family, what more for women body builders? I myself sometimes feel uncomfortable around my family and close friends as they seem to think I've grown quite past what's normally acceptable for a lady. Haha. I don't mind them that much as I have some gym buds who are on the same boat as well.

[Centaurian]

Sorry if I'm kind of digging this up, but this thread is very inspiring and relateable to me. I always had problems doing things, especially expressing them, and letting my family know for fear of some kind of judgement. This was especially so with my older brother, who rarely had a good word and often ridiculed me for anything I'd do. He's one of those rude 'meat-head' jock types, and a variety of other reasons made me vow not to be like him.
Unfortunately, this resolution, coupled with my anxiety about family judgements, kept me back from working out at all during high school. I can't really explain why I was so anxious growing up, but being at college more and wanting to work more for myself, I've been getting over worrying about what my family thinks of me. I do things for myself, like working out, and will continue regardless of their opinion.

Originally Posted by jclikestoplay

If you guys have that issue with your family, what more for women body builders? I myself sometimes feel uncomfortable around my family and close friends as they seem to think I've grown quite past what's normally acceptable for a lady. Haha. I don't mind them that much as I have some gym buds who are on the same boat as well.

going off of your comment, I have to say that I personally love female body builders. A woman in the weight room is a great thing, shows strength and commitment. Keep it up!