New Story: The World's Fastest Vision Quest

[tekuno]

I'm still having severe problems with insomnia, so I've been whiling away the time by writing. To my embarrassment, instead of the story I've been planning, I jumped ahead to something else. And then, this morning as I was lying awake trying to get back to sleep, this popped into my head. Strictly speaking, it isn't muscle growth, but it seems that one of my characters wasn't done with me, and I can't resist posting it. (The other story I've been working on while not sleeping will be along in a bit.)

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The World's Fastest Vision Quest

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"And did you always want to compete?"

"No, at one time I was almost too shy to even go into a gym."

"What motivated you to make the change?"

"I was inspired by my grandfather. He never gave up on any of his goals, and I guess it just rubbed off on me."

"I see. Well, that's it for the questions. Thanks for granting the interview. It'll show up in the March issue, with the photo spread. Congratulations on your win, you were definitely the biggest guy out there this time, no question."

"Thanks, it's always nice to get some affirmation."

I heaved a sigh of relief. I may have gotten over my shyness, but I was still a little hesitant to really open up. And being interviewed is really kind of weird.

Besides, that line about my grandfather was a lie. Both my grandfathers gave up on all kinds of things, and neither of them were particularly inspiring, even if they were nice guys. But I could hardly tell the interviewer the truth.

After I got through the first week of college, and all the orientation activities were over, I spent some time working up the courage to go to the gym in the student union. I had spent all four years in high school wishing I could build some mass, but afraid that anyone would find out. It was bad enough being closeted and gay without being outed by getting caught staring at other guys' muscles.

I finally forced myself to go in. My body wasn't going to get any bigger if I just sat around thinking about it. In twenty minutes, I was back out and walking briskly back to my dorm.

The gym was everything I had hoped for -- and feared. It was very well-equipped, and no doubt I could transform myself completely if I made use of it. But it was also filled with big, hot guys getting all sweaty and lifting massive weights and flexing into mirrors. I started getting hard before I even finished my first set on the bench press machine, and fled before anyone could notice it.

That night, I had a dream. There ought to be a rule that life-changing dreams have to be majestic and dignified. This one was not.

I was in a fast-food restaurant. The national chain kind, with brightly-colored plastic furniture and no seats or tables which are not bolted to the floor. I took my tray and sat down at an empty booth, but when I looked away and back again, there was a man present across from me. Incredibly present. He was a big, greasy unshaven fatso, in a soiled shirt and a yellow hard hat. Despite signs declaring the restaurant a "smoke-free zone", he had a cheap smelly cigar sticking out of the corner of his mouth. He gave me a leering smile.

"Hey, welcomes to da dream woild. I bin waitin' fer youse now for nearly an hour now. We all collected an' present?"

"What, dream world?"

"Yeh, kid. Dis is yer basic vision quesk type of situation. Youse is one lucky kid, to be meetin' up wit' me in dis fashion, bein' dat most peoples needs ta be meditatin' an' chantin' om-om-om ta get dis kinda soivice."

"I'm not a kid!"

"Eh?"

"I'm 19! I'm not a kid any more! I'm an adult!"

"Kid, dis is da dream woild. Here you is more your mental age dan jus' an accumulations a' circlin's aroun' da sun. An' in toims a mental age, you is about six an' a half."

"I don't have to sit here and take this."

"No, dat's true. Youse could walk out right nows, an' sulk. You bin doin' a lots a' dat lately, ain't youse?"

"Hey! No I haven't! And how do you know?"

"Kid, if sulkin' was an Olypic-type event, you would be bringin' home da gold. An' I knows all about it, omniscient-like, because dis is a vision quesk. I ams yer basic spirit animal."

"You're my spirit animal?"

He sniggered. "Yeah, kid, I'm da Platonitudinous ideal a' da construction woika. Youse can calls me Ralph. Hey, youse could do a lot woise. Not everyone can gets a wolf or a lion or a dragon or one-a dem t'ings. Dere's folks out dere who end up gettin' dere mystic trut's froms a teapot or a marigold-type plantin'. Try not ta lets it gets ya down."

"Oh, so I'm going to have some kind of self-discovery experience?"

"Well, kid, I figga we gots ones a' yer basic choices, here. If ya wants, we can do da whole epic-voyage-a'-self-discovery crap, an' spend hours gettin' you to grasp da' fac' dat you has been actin' like a whiny brat, or I can just tells you outright dat you is a joik, youse yank da' stick outta youse ass, an' den mebbe I cans hook you up wit' one a' dems erotical-type dreams to pass da time we saves. I'm jus' actin' in youse best interesks. We gots a deal?"

This was one hell of a dream. "You got me. If you say it's easier, you can just tell me whatever it is."

"I t'ought so. Say, you gonna eat dat?"

"Huh? No, go ahead."

"T'anks. When youse is a psychologicals-like arkietype, da cuisine is not all dat one might hope. I'ss still a step up from my last gig, tho' mebbe I shouldn' be menchonin' it. Dere's fussy types what gets annoyed about dem fort' wall t'ings. Hmmm, dat's a good sarnie, but I don' suppose you coulds be pasuadit ta dreams a' some mayo? No? Well, such is life.

"Now, down ta business. Da messich for which I ams ta pass on ta youse is dat youse is bein' too damn self-conscious. Youse is givin' up wit'out even makin' an attemp', and you ain't eva goin' ta amounts to nuttin' dis way. Bein' an aut'orized-like agent a' yer subconscious, I cans tell dat you isn't just lustin' afta dems big guys down at da gym, you is admirin' da way dey sticks wit' a goal."

This was a little too personal. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Ralph sighed and waved vaguely with his cigar stub. "Huh. Mebbe tryin' ta do dis all quick-like was a mistakes afta all. Whatevas you sez about da usual met'od, at least peoples does not argue wit' da basic fac's when dey is forced intas figgurin' out da obvious on dere lonesome. Let's not beat around da shrubbery. You is goin' ta da gym b'cuz you wants ta look at da muscley dudes in da spandex, heftin' da weights. An' fer some screwt-up reason, youse is findin' dis ta be a source a' shame 'cuz you does not wants anyones ta know dat you is swingin' dat way, and gets da tinglies fer dudes an' not gals. I'm not judgin', kid. No needs ta blush. We is all young once, an' dere is not enough love in da woild. If youse wants ta stare at some dude's ass, dat is between you an mebbe da dude if he catches you. Wit' luck, mebbe youse will meet a dude who does not mind you doin' dat starin'."

"Urk."

"But lets me tells youse, if youse is seekin' a nice piece a' hot ass wit' which ta gets betta akwaintid-like, you wills be in a much betta bargainin' position if youse gots a nice ass yerself. Da udda guys at dat bee-joo little gym yer collich has set up isn't givin' up afta twenny minnits. Dey goes down dere, an dey does da woik every time. Dat's how come dey is big an sexy, an' why youse ain't."

"Meep."

"Now, kid, dere ain't no reason why youse cannot change dis. Youse is just as good as any of dems, an' da school cannot keeps you out just 'cuz youse is a b'ginner, or 'cuz you is runnin' a slight risk a' involuntarily an' private-like pointin' at somes a' da udda patrons."

"But what if one of them sees me getting a hard-on? I think I'd probably just drop dead, right there!"

"Kid, I'd gives you a hard hat, but at dis point, I ain't sure dere's anyt'ing dere fer it ta perteck! You was jus' tellin' me youse was not a child any more. Well, if youse is such an adult, start actin' like it! Who cares what dese udda jokas t'inks? Heck, mebbe dey will takes it as a compliment on da woik dat dey demselves is puttin' in. Mebbe dey will even make with a reciprocal-like reaction, an' you makes it inta da extra-speshul bonus round, an' mebbe gets lucky an' makes a high scorin', if you gets my drift. Dis is not high school, kid. Da worse dey cans do is refuse ta be yer buddy, an' if dey does it 'cuz of a reaction dey has been courtin' by makin' wit' da body-buildin', den dey is da kinda asshat dat you doesn' wanna hangs around wit' anyways."

"But--"

Ralph jabbed at me with his cigar. "No buts, kiddo! Has you been lissenin'? Dis is da unvarnish't an' undeniable trut', comin' ta youse straight outta youse subconscious mind by means of a mystical spirit quesk an' suchlike fanciful gingabread. Tomorra, you is gonna get down ta da gym, an' gets ta woik. I promises dat youse will like it, which is a lie b'cuz woikin' out is borin' suchlike watchin' paint dry, but we is allowed a soitin' amount a' untrut' unda da headin' a' motivationals. So takes along some head-type phones an' some music, an' mebbe a magazine or sumpin', an' do yer woikout, an stop fussin' wit' what udda folks is t'inkin' about youse. Dat does not matta. What is important is dat you is happy wit' what you is doin' for yerselfs. Is we clear?"

"Okay. I'll do it."

"Good, dat's da spirit! I'll be rootin' for youse. Build up somes a' dem big guns, an' use dem to finds yerself someones ta stay wit', all snuggly-like. But takes my advice an' looks for someone who likes ya wit' or wit'out da hotness, 'cuz youse will not be spendin' every las' minnit a' yer life in bed. But all t'ings considered, even da woise outcomes you can gets in dis way is da foist-woild-type problems, right?"

"Right. Thanks, Ralph. I'll try not to let you down."

"Dat's a good kid. I hopes not ta hafta come back an' kick some sense inta youse again, but if I eva do, I hopes ta see when I does dat you has developed da kinds a physique dat youse is findin' all sexy-like."

"I promise."

"Okay, den! Now dat we has accomplished da day's business, I will be handin' control a' dis dream ova to youse libido. Bring on da dancin' goils! Oh, yeah, dat's right. Well, den, bring on da male models, or whateva it is dat gets youse all heated-like. I hopes ya does not needs a change a' undies when you wakes up. Or, youse know, dat you does, if dat is what youse need, deep down." Ralph was starting to be distinctly translucent. He waved his horrible cigar at me, and the ember was the last thing to vanish, like a glowing Cheshire cat smile. "See ya rounds, kiddo. T'anks fer da san'wich..."

We don't need to go into the rest of the dream, although it was everything I could have asked for.

I woke up feeling more cheerful than I had been in months, and started in on my new gym regimen that very morning. It was pretty much exactly like Ralph told me, sometimes I couldn't hide that I was enjoying my view, but nobody made a big fuss. And I felt a lot better about life once I stopped letting body shame control me so much.

I kept up with it, too. Somehow, any time I was tempted to give up, I would remember Ralph. He may have been a figment of my imagination, but I just couldn't face the thought of letting him down.

The rest is history. After a few shorter relationships, I met George, and we've been together ever since. Once I thought I was big enough, I started entering competitions, and four years after graduating from college, I won my pro card, and started being of enough interest to be interviewed. But I never told anyone about my vision quest.

[Mass Driver]

Youse is doin dis kinda story right.

MD

[Lucas88]

Ok...THAT was a lot of work! Great job!

[michaelv2]

That was hilarious, like having Popeye give you a peptalk. Nice job with the accent.

[Generitrans]

I couldn't resist reading Ralph's lines out loud, and now that I'm done I can't seem to stop snickering. Great job.

[tekuno]

Ralph was originally going to be a one-shot character, who was central to the plot of the story he was in. But he's fun to write, and I find it a little too easy to slip him in. In fact, there are things I find it easier to say by means of Ralph than by means of ordinary speech. I'm sure we'll see him again, in one form or another.

[Mad Dog]

I find Ralph to be a adorable and a little sexy, so by all means keep inserting him~