Futile Effort

[KalaNemi]

Not sure where I should be posting this, but I thought general might be a good starting point.

The issue here being me, 6'2 155lbs. I've always wanted to be stronger/more muscled, and have tried going to the gym on a regular basis. But every time I go there I see everyone else, bigger, stronger, lifting far more than me. Then I look at myself and feel pathetic. The gap between me and them feels so far that my efforts seem pathetic and futile. That and I can't help but feel people's eye on me the whole time. It just feels pointless, like I'll never be able to obtain what I want. That and the only reason I'm doing it is to look better and attract guys, which seems like a weak goal in my opinion.

What to do?

[nzbodybuilder]

My comments may sound blunt, but being upfront and to the point is the best.

Just remember that everyone else was small once amd had to start somewhere. The only advise I can give is that you put on your headphones, listen to your workout music, and focus only on yourself and your goals. Do not worry about what others think, because seriously, they are only worried and focused about their workout.
Also, "trying" to go to the gym on a regular basis is not going to get you bigger. You must dedicate yourself to going on a regular basis. If you dont you will not advance and will always wonder why.

[The Magus]

Pretty much the ONLY time I pay attention to someone at the gym is when they've clearly made a lot of progress in a short time. Otherwise, I couldn't possibly care less who's fat, thin, tall, short, hot or ugly (okay, I do notice hot guys, but I'm not rude about it). Just about any one else on the gym floor will tell you the same: we're all there to work on OUR bodies, not to judge anyone else.

Honestly, if you just follow basic gym etiquette (put weights away when you're done, wipe off machines after you use 'em, be respectful to others), automatically you'll be loved and adored by nearly everyone no matter what you bench or how you look.

You have to decide what is more important to you: getting big, or what other people might be thinking of you (but probably aren't). No one else can do it for you.

[brutus]

I must agree with the last 2 people. If you aren't dedicated, and if you care more about other people than just going in and doing your own thing, then don't bother taking up space in the gym. If you want to dedicate yourself to change, start with this really negative attitude towards yourself. I want you to follow Louise Hay's advice of doing mirror work (look up "Louise Hay", and "mirror work" on Youtube, your local library, oth, or anywhere else.) Basically I need to look in a mirror, look into your own eyes, and tell yourself affirmations like, "I love you", "I love everything this body does for me", "Everyday I grow physically and spiritually." or whatever the f#@k you need to tell yourself. The big guys were where you are once, and many of them are more than happy to help & advise you if you allow them, but a negative attitude towards yourself will cause roadblocks that nobody is big enough to break through. I don't want to be mean, but I want you to love yourself enough to not even notice these guys unless you are telling yourself that this is what you look like. I have found that my body does not change until the way I see myself changes. Bodybuilding is about 80% mental, so getting in the right frame of mind is critical.

Enough lecture. Just go to the gym, and try to see it s fun. Envision yourself growing into the bodies you see, and most of all: just keep going. It isn't easy to change your body, it takes time, it take effort, it takes passion, and it takes an intense amount of loving yourself. So know that you are awesome. Know that you are on the same path as the other guys, and know that your body wants to grow, and it wants to make you happy. All you need is to appreciate it and love it, because it is fabulous.

[MLMuscle]

I read your post and starting out in anything, especially bodybuilding, is tough! I like all of the comments by the others and have one additional suggestion that might help. Instead of joining a hardcore bodybuilding gym (or, in general, a gym where the majority of members are bodybuilders), perhaps you might feel more comfortable joining your local municipal rec. center (if you have one in your area) and use the gym there while first starting out. You will most likely find more people there who are just starting out like you are (and can maybe even find a cool workout partner who is also just starting), and you may not feel as intimidated. In addition, you can also see if you like bodybuilding. Then as you grow and build muscle, you could graduate to, say, a bodybuilding gym.

Of course, on the other hand, I very strongly believe that you should absolutely not care one single solitary bit about what other people think and, in reality, the vast majority of bodybuilders in bodybuilding gyms are so 100% busy concentrating on their workouts that they don't really notice people who are, for example, just starting out. So, while I think that you should just go to the gym, pay no attention to whether anyone is looking at you (or is bigger), and give 1000% effort to your workouts, the rec. center gym option might be something that you would feel more comfortable with (at least at the start). So, just pick an option, jump in, and start training. You will really love it! Just some thoughts...

[KalaNemi]

It's not just the thought of other people. It's also me that makes it a futile effort. I'm constantly being bound or held back by chains that tell me no. I've always imagined being someone else, who was either smarter but mostly who was stronger than I was. Then I look to me, and see none of that. Just me with nothing special. So it's pretty hard to feel like I'm getting anywhere in the gym.

[nzbodybuilder]

Originally Posted by KalaNemi

It's not just the thought of other people. It's also me that makes it a futile effort. I'm constantly being bound or held back by chains that tell me no. I've always imagined being someone else, who was either smarter but mostly who was stronger than I was. Then I look to me, and see none of that. Just me with nothing special. So it's pretty hard to feel like I'm getting anywhere in the gym.

Again, to be blunt, and this will sound harsh, but it seems to me that you have completely ignored all the brilliant advice that has just been given to you.

Break those chains! Stop thinking that you WANT to be another person, and BE that person! You can ask for all the advice in the world, but no one can make you into what you want to be. That is entirely up to you.

The best advice I ever got was the first year I was at the gym (going way back to 2000 - when I also felt small and pathetic, so yes, I know EXACLY where you're coming from), was when I was told "If you say you can't, you're right".
I'll leave the interpretation up to you.

[brutus]

Not knowing what the "Chains" are exactly, I don't know how to help you get past them. I can tell you that as cheesy as it sounds, change really does come from within. Don't imagine yourself AS stronger/smarter, BE stronger & smarter. Know that you are stronger and smarter than you have ever imagined possible, and then all you have to do is follow through. It really is far easier than you ever thought possible. Trust me.

Now, stop observing, "How it is" and tell me a story. Tell me how huge and built you have become, how easy it is for you to solve any issue you need to solve, and how much time and energy you have to workout. Tell me how much you love working out. How you used to waste time watching TV/playing video games (or whatever takes up your time), but now you use that time at the gym. How every time you put clothes on you notice that your body is improving, and you are improving daily. Tell me about how your improvement is so quick, the guys in the gym accuse you of doing steroids. This is what I want to hear because that is the only way you change things. This story has to be something you tell yourself constantly, and you need to stop telling yourself the story you have been telling yourself. Stop judging yourself, and criticizing yourself. You are an amazing person, and I know this because you are a person, and I am a person, and I know that all people are far more amazing than they think they are.

I want you to think of someone you truly love, like your mother, lover, child, best friend, etc. Whoever you love the most in this world, imagine them in front of you. Now imagine that you said to them all the things throughout the day that you say to yourself. Would you tell them that they are stupid, weak, and unable to change? No. Of course you wouldn't! So do NOT say that s#!t to yourself!!! You would encourage that person, and when they stumble, you would tell them that it's OK, and that they will do better next time. Now, remember that you are THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN YOUR LIFE! You need to treat yourself the way you would treat that loved person.

You are too god for this crap! Period!

[KalaNemi]

As of its just that simple, to just BE. Believe in yourself, just do it, it sounds like the non sense I hear in fairy tales. That only applies when there is even a baseline to work with, f you don't even have a decent starting point to work on then it's useless. As if affirmations could really change anything, it just sounds like something people will sell to the fools to make a quick buck. I imagine being those people because it is obvious I could never be them. No affirmation or belief is going to change cold hard reality. I can't even being myself to do the mirror work, because otherwise I'll just be uttering lies at a reflection. Some people are meant to do certain things, and some are not. Seem I'm meant to be on the side lines, looking in at those people.

[brutus]

My advice after that response is this:
700 mg of L-tyrosine every morning
500 mg of GABA every night, an hour before bed

Although fairy-tales are exploited by some to make money, the customers always feel better, and from my experience: turn their lives around dramatically. So don't judge those of us who have used fairy tales to turn there life into a fairy tale. Not all of us want to settle for the sideline (I got really bored of that!)

I do not judge you for being addicted to reality, so please do not judge me for living a fairy tale. I hope that one day soon you will join me in joy, but I know where you are, and I refuse to go back there myself. I am sorry that I can not be the friend that is there when you are down, but remember me when you are ready for a hand up!

I only wish the very best for you.

[Rarity]

GURL, STAHP! You just need to keep your motivation high somehow. The moment you say "I can't do it" or "it's useless" or "I'm OK with this, but I'm not entirely OK with this." Well, you kind of set yourself up for failure. The human body is retarded. It can have all the resources possible to let you have a flawless workout, but it gets reduces to uselessness if you fill your head with Negative Nancy stuff. I mean, c'mon guuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

Just make sure your diet is in check. If you do not get enough calories, your body will not produce the hormones necessary to build muscle as fast as you'd like. There also won't be many nutrients/resources for your body to use to repair muscle. Supplements will help out greatly, or at the very least, a cheapo protein shake that is low in calories. Just go look on a bodybuilding forum for which supplements to take. At the very least you can be toned. Maybe not huge, but toned. Which is good enough for landing some hotties (it's all in da abs, mang).

As for motivation, you can get that from many things. Some things like:
1) Yourself - I THINK I CAN I THINK I CAN HURRRRRRR
2) Success stories - Wow, Nerd #0293219 turned into a stud, OK, my turn!
3) Muscly fantasies - Muscle growth = hot/fun/whatever. Lemme try to see if I can grow my body huge.
4) Hypnosis - I AM NOW A MUSCLEMAN WHO ALSO CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN. . . MOOOOOOO
5) Meditation - refer to 1
6) This sandwich is all you need in your life. Watch the sandwich. Love the sandwich. Be the sandwich.

Twerk It Out, Twerk It Out

Everyone's different. Pick your motivation. Sitting here going "I can't do it" doesn't help. Also, testosterone is a pretty good thing you guys have at your disposal. It's basically energy in the form of hormones if you know how to build it up. Again, being a Negative Nancy kind of dulls the edge your hormones/body/resources can give you. Tip: compound workouts or arousal = quick ways for a nice jolt of testosterone. My boyfriend kind of combines 3 and 4 together along with compound workouts/arousal to get his stuff going. Weird. But it works. . .

. . .

. . .

I'm beginning to think muscle building is just weird as fuck in general. Either that or it's just this forum/the muscle guys I know. Gurl, dis shit cray.

[inm]

To summarize: Just go. Daily. Tell the voices "just this day". Every day.
Train basic exercises, these produce most results. Eat a lot of the right stuff.
If you can't ignore what you (think or real) others tell you, shut up and think "I'll show you!" and lift harder, cause actions speak louder than words.

[The Magus]

Originally Posted by KalaNemi

As of its just that simple, to just BE. Believe in yourself, just do it, it sounds like the non sense I hear in fairy tales. That only applies when there is even a baseline to work with, f you don't even have a decent starting point to work on then it's useless. As if affirmations could really change anything, it just sounds like something people will sell to the fools to make a quick buck. I imagine being those people because it is obvious I could never be them. No affirmation or belief is going to change cold hard reality. I can't even being myself to do the mirror work, because otherwise I'll just be uttering lies at a reflection. Some people are meant to do certain things, and some are not. Seem I'm meant to be on the side lines, looking in at those people.

It sounds like you may be depressed. IF you are, remember that YOUR perception of reality is being affected. Is it possible that you are wrong when you say you're meant to be on the sidelines? You talk about cold hard reality, but as a human your perception of reality is just as flawed as the rest of us, especially when it comes to what you might be capable of.

Look, I'll probably never talk to myself in the mirror, because I would personally have a hard time taking it seriously, but that doesn't mean that it's not a good idea. The principle is well-founded in psychology, it's about training yourself to think differently about yourself. It isn't about magically changing the world, it's about getting your thoughts more in line with reality. Because, frankly, the idea that ANYBODY is destined for the sidelines is absurd.

At the end of the day, your body is made up on cells and proteins and enzymes just like the rest of us. If you workout hard on a regular basis and eat right, you will lose fat and gain muscle. That isn't positive thinking, that's biology.

[KalaNemi]

But it's so tough. I can't even finish a set in the gym, all I think about is getting it over with because its so heavy. I can even imagine myself as being strong. I just don't have that vision or desire that I see most people at the gym have. I would like to be stronger, but every time I try to imagine it I feel foolish.

[brutus]

I only tried giving a few tools that worked well for me. I don't know much about your situation, and what you don't share is none of my business! My business is really from the anterior tip of my nose to the posterior curve of my gluteals. That's it. I think you need to think less about what others think, and more about your needs and your goals. I also think you might have some bipolar/clinical depression going. I don't think there is any workout/diet/potion that works if you aren't squared away mentally! This might be a job for a professional.

Take care!

[Rarity]

Um. That's the point for it to be heavy. No pain, no gain. There's a reason why people say that. If it really hurts you that much, perhaps you should forgo paying for a gym membership and instead buy weights for home? My BF spend 120 bucks on a pretty nice weight set. He got a bench off of craig's list for free. And he bought a barbell to go with the weights he bought which cost him 40 bucks since it came with some other stuff. So he spent 160 bucks on a semi-versatile home gym, which means it's cheaper than paying for a gym by a looooooong shot.

He was able to go to a gym for free, though. The only reason he did this was - because like you - he felt like a derpaherpadeeeeeeerp in a public gym. Sounds like your problem is performance issues in public. hurhur

[KalaNemi]

It's not so much the performance in public as it is the inner part. I can't imagine myself being strong, which in a sense I equate with power. I'm not sure what I would do with power though once I got it. I don't want to be one of those people who end up being arrogant jerks just for being bigger than everyone else.

[Rarity]

People rarely become jerks unless they were self-centered or dim-witted to begin wtih. Having more muscle just means you can help with physical labor, which actually makes one's life much easier as well as other people's lives easier if you're there to help. I mean, shiiiiiiiit, having my boyfriend come shopping with me is da bess. He can carry way more than I can. AlsoIMightBeVeryLazyWhenItComesToCarryingStuff

It also looks good, and makes you "healthier" since more muscle = more fat being burned off with ease. Guys with more muscle have healthier levels of testosterone, which is good for males in the long run for obvious reasons (medically speaking). More muscle equates to having better bone health too. . . Really, there's practically no downside to having muscles. It's even recommended for women to tone up - because women who tone up rarely have to deal with osteoporosis or other bone-related problems. Da power of muscles, mang, it's da power of muscles.

It sounds like you are over-thinking it. Instead of thinking that far ahead for no reason, just think about getting stronger in the mean time. You don't have to become The Hulk and fight crime or something just because you want to get stronger. Being a little in to yourself is fine too, I think most musclemen are. What's wrong with liking your body?

[KalaNemi]

Because liking your body makes you narcissistic, and there is practically no way to put that in a positive way to other people.

[Rarity]

Originally Posted by KalaNemi

Because liking your body makes you narcissistic, and there is practically no way to put that in a positive way to other people.

Dear, everybody either likes their body or they hate it. Again, you're totally over-thinking things. There is a positive way of putting it, it's called caring about your self-image. People enjoy the way they look or their looks are a product of doing things they love. There's nothing narcissistic about it. If you're fine with how you look, then that's that. But from the sounds of it you clearly are not fine with your looks. Instead, you're over-thinking things. Like, waaaaay over-thinking things. You have the ability to care about yourself and others; meaning you wouldn't be narcissistic.

You're not going to go up to people and go "Yo mang, lookit mah massuls. Dey hawt rite? I fink dey hot! Iz all I fink about 2 lol!!!" You keep it to yourself. If you want, you can post pictures on bodybuilding.com so you/other people can track your progress. Or post it here to get some motivation. If someone gives you a compliment, you just say thanks. Maybe add that you're trying hard. If they ask for more, you give them more and you get to have your ego tickled or whatever. People generally prefer a person who is confident, which also means the person has to be confident about his/her body image too. The don't have to look like models to be confident, they just have to appreciate/take care of the only body they'll ever have.

Today I spent an hour on my hair making ringlets, just to match with my lil spring-time dress. That makes me passionate (passion fo' fashion) - not narcissistic. Uhhhh, but this is generally how I wake up in the morning so I kind of have to do something with dat hair.

[nzbodybuilder]

The title of this posting says it all. Futile Effort.

I do not know what you were wanting us to tell you when you first started this thread. You asked for help and advise, and you have been given it in spades! Yet you keep throwing it back in our faces.

As others posters have pointed out, this sounds like more than just an issue at the gym.

[KalaNemi]

The title was meant to say that my efforts at the gym were pointless. But I guess people here have a point. It's just hard to over come those parts though.

[nnnrg]

This may come off as harsh, but it's not my intention to discourage you.

You have a chance to do something that I failed at. You're still quite young, your body hasn't yet decided to go screwy. You're 6'2" and you aren't fat, but you're not athletic and you're not really in shape yet. I was in your situation when I was younger and I failed to follow through, I failed to keep myself going, and I ended up making it a lot harder for me to be what I want to be, and the medical consequences from that.
This was partly a result of my own choices, and partly circumstantial, and of the part that was my own choice, about half of it was due to my choice to forego some things in exchange for other things - a relationship that needed the time and attention that I wasn't giving to it - so I do not regret that, but I do regret that I didn't prioritize other parts of my life to make things balance better.

Note, even though I failed at my goals - I am not 250# at 8% bodyfat and strong enough to lift a car - I am still actively working on that aspect of my life. Failure is not death, unless you die from it. Failure is simply "try again, find a different way, think about what you did not do that you should have, revisit goals."

You are in a position to change your life in a way that will make you happier. That is the only reason you should ever make huge changes to your lifestyle - because they will make you (and others) happier - and I don't mean 'more comfortable' or 'more prosperous' or 'more powerful' except where those things are a side benefit.

You don't like your body. You are NOT your body, it is YOU. What you want to be and what you do is what your body will become, and your choices will shape your body. If you lose sight of this and let IT shape YOU, or worse let outside forces shape you, then it'll surely end up becoming something less than you want, because in our modern world, we have laid traps that use the body's instincts and survival tools to sabotage it. Getting back into balance is hard, but it's very much worth it.

Fine. So first off, being 'narcissistic' - bullshit. This is a smoke screen. There's three main ways that word is used, to describe a person who has a specific kind of psychopathic syndrome, or a compulsively vain person, or a person who appears to be unduly proud and self-assertive to the point that they denigrate and harm others.

Clinical narcissism is a brain disorder. It works like this: the narcissist doesn't develop the standard 'empathic' sense that most humans have by the age of six. This is a fairly accurate model of emotions of others - and even people who have autism-spectrum disorders will usually have a working version of this. A narcissist can not understand that other people care for them or CAN care for them, so they develop a profound defensive mechanism that tries to copy scripts and behaviors of other people, and falls apart and becomes extremely unpredictable and usually way out of proportion when they are presented with situations out of their usual. Thus, a narcissist will make people around them feel and act crazy. They are unwilling to admit that anything is wrong with them, and they are possibly some of the most miserable people on the planet. They are frequently disruptive of other people's peace, because everything they do is part of their self-defensive posture and everything around them must support it or they will attack.

Vanity... this is where you find the "megalomaniac" - the mistaken egotist who believes themself to be greater and more wonderful than those around them - and you may be thinking of people who are arrogant or over-proud of their bodies, whether their physique or their looks. Remember, if a person's physical prowess is largely due to their own hard work, then pride in that work is fine. What is NOT fine is to put down other people who don't have that same set of gifts, because (like wealth) very few people get to be physical prodigies without the help and contribution of others. Further, the capacity for self-delusion is great and the megalomaniac is ultimately deluded.

Then you get to the people who are destructive of other people's pride, because they are unwilling to let other people feel good (see above) or because it's easier to tear down others than to build themselves up. This is where you find people who are "jocks" who have to bully or put down people who aren't as built or strong or athletic as they are; this is rarely due to an actual innate sense of superiority, rather, it's due to fear that they are inferior, and they overcompensate.
Sometimes this is mis-socialized aggression due to hormones, but don't mistake that for 'roid rage' - that's simply an exaggeration of what's already present.
Sometimes it's also simply bad manners - people who aren't taught to treat others with respect and courtesy.

If you want to be more muscular because it would give you greater confidence, then by all means, do so. If you feel un-confident because you feel weak, then there is nothing at all wrong with wanting to be stronger, and (as you apparently know) the way to get stronger is to make your body adapt to an increasingly strenuous work load.

So, to start with, what is your program? What is your plan? You don't go to school without a plan for learning (even though it's usually put on you rather than one you came up with yourself.)

Lifting weights will make you stronger and more flexible and give you better endurance, if you do it right. But not only lifting weights - there are a lot of body-weight exercises that will also help, and you may find those to be more rewarding to begin with.

If you want a body weight program, then start by doing wind sprints, pushups, pull-ups, and planks. Pull-ups will require you to have an overhead bar of some sort. You can find out how to do these from a web search, or from most books on training for athletics.

Consider martial arts. There are a number of good ones, and they tend to include a good physical conditioning program, and if you stick with it until you unlearn all the bad patterns and learn the good ones, then there is a good chance they will make you a better, happier person.

Get enough sleep. Eight hours a day is a good target.
Get enough food and water. You want to get big? Don't be starving yourself, make sure you're eating more than 2000 calories a day. Make sure you eat whole vegetables and try for whole grains. Avoid drinking much alcohol, and don't smoke pot or tobacco while you're trying to improve your body.

If you're strong enough to lift weights and you enjoy it, then by all means do it, but don't be stupid about it. Start with lighter weights until you learn the exercises. You have to train your nervous system before you can train your muscles. You CAN overload your body and hurt yourself by trying to do things you're not ready for - so find someone who is able to help you train, in person. It might be a trainer, it might be a training partner, it might be a teacher. I would bet that every one of those 'gym gods' you see has had and may still have such a person.

So with that in mind, if you're unable to finish your first set, then reduce the weights, you're starting too high. Keep records of what you're doing. Don't overdo it - and by that I mean, don't make it so unpleasant that you are forced to give up. Take time to learn to do it right.

But also don't stop progressing - make sure you increase your goals over time.
You WILL get sick at some point. Listen to your body. Don't train hard when you are sick, but don't stop completely if you can still do something with light weights - but also do not share your contagious diseases with other people, that's over-sharing.

And finally, which should have come first: Before you start any program, see your doctor and make sure it'll be the right thing for you. If you have any physical ailments (undiagnosed heart disease, etc.) then it would be good to know up front.
Also, regarding depression, which someone has mentioned.

If you honestly have to remind yourself on a daily basis that the world is a good place and you have to fight not to just hide in your room or stop moving, if you find yourself feeling like you'd be better dead, that is NOT NORMAL. That is not healthy brain. It is also NOT your fault, and you need medical help, and there is nothing wrong with finding it because you do not deserve to be beaten by broken brain chemistry. Nobody does.

[KalaNemi]

I've been able to control this depression on my own, but working out and the gm have usually been a sore subject for me. I guess I just needed to hear that it's not so bad from people who have been doing this longer than me.

[LanceFan2001]

Hey dude,
Don't get yourself down. Honestly the best thing is to just start. Let me break character here a bit and tell you about me. I am Steve. I am 5' 5". I weigh about 200 pounds and most of it is fat. I am obese. Up until recently I was depressed. I have attempted suicide once, seriously attempted, and contemplated suicide many many times. I have never told anyone on the internet about that. I have tried so many times to get into shape. Tried almost every stack I could. Every fad diet or fad equipment, and nothing worked. I joined a gym and was so freaking embarrassed because I thought everyone was watching me and secretly laughing at me.... I never went back.

But this is what I did. I bought a home gym. (TotalTrainer). It is like to Total Gym only cheaper. If you can get an Amazon Credit Card, you can get it for less that 50 dollars a month. And you can work out at home, anytime you want. Is it hard? You bet your ass it's hard, but you have to want to put in the effort. I'm also using subliminal messages with working out type affirmations (free at download.com it's called free subliminal text ) I also try to constantly to listen to subliminal files from warpmymind.com. For the first time in my life, I have started to stick to a work out plan. And part of it is that the total trainer is really fun to do. I can spend two hours on that thing and not notice (and I'm the guy that couldn't/wouldn't do crap in the gym) You have to find something that you like to do, and stick with it. Most of all, you have to believe the effort is worth it and want to put in the effort. That's the lesson I learned the hard way. Now, I am determined to succeed. I want to look hot to pick up guys, but I'd also like to get off of my meds too. Most of all, I want to buy a new wardrobe cause I don't plan on wearing XL clothing any longer.

[equus]

I'll tell you my story, which is a bit different from what others wrote, I guess.
In a few words: I used to go to the gym. I don't go to the gym anymore. And I'm much happier now.
I have been fantasizing about huge bodybuilders since I was about 14 (I?m 29 now). When I started dating guys at 21 I quickly realized that muscle is such an important element of attraction to me that I have to do something about ? taking up gym workouts seemed like a natural way to attract muscle guys (as everyone knows, muscle usually, with relatively few exceptions, wants muscle).
And you know what? The time, when I regularly worked out for a year, was one of the worst times of my life.
When I mean regularly, I mean that I was approached by really big guys in my gym, who noticed my dedication, and chatted with me saying that they see that I treat things seriously. This was very suprising to me, since I?m short, skinny and look about 5 years younger than I am ? I never thought a big guy at the gym would of his own will talk to a guy like me. All those guys told me ?just wait and you?ll get the results? ? because what they saw, and I saw too, was that in spite of my dedication the results were mediocre at best.
That was a very, very shitty time in my life. I was very depressed by the lack of results. I kept looking in the mirror and taking photos of my body, kept weighing myself twice a day, in hope to see the development, which was never satisfactory ? I knew that if I wanted a muscle guy, ?mediocre?, especially with my boyish look, was definitely not enough. I became obsessed with chasing an image of a muscle guy who will attract other muscle guys. What I did was not for myself ? it was for the muscle guys from my fantasies.
At some point the whole thing turned into what I think was a regular depression, where I felt unhappy, bad about myself, obsessed with my unsatisfactory body and the lack of results was the only thing I could think of. Well, what I also thought of was having 8 hours of sleep, enough good quality food in the form of regular meals etc. etc. I did my research and did my best to avoid any of the typical errors people make. Actually I did more research than anyone I know who works out; at some point I saw that, theory-wise, I sometimes knew more than the coach who worked at my gym. This also meant another error that I made ? I didn?t listen to my body, because I was full of ?knowledge? from books and the Internet.
Then, when emotionally I felt completely drained, my boyfriend arrived and I stopped going to the gym. We talked a lot, including about how I feel about myself and my body. It took many months before I stopped perceiving my body and lack of muscle as my main trait. I started noticing there is actually a world outside of thinking about muscle and how big you are.
I don?t go to the gym now. I feel much better than I used to. I still want a muscle guy (we broke up with my boyfriend, although we?re still friends). I know that I want a muscle guy much more than I want to be muscular myself. I actually doubt if I want to have muscle myself. I think this is actually a good question to ask yourself ? do you actually want to be muscular? What will things be like when you?re big and strong? Does everything in this vision attract you?
I know that if I ever go to the gym once again, this will be when I?ll be doing it for myself, for my own satisfaction. Until that moment I?ll only be repeating the mistakes from a few years ago. And I really value my emotional well-being much more than fighting for the additional X kb/lbs of muscle.
Please don?t get me wrong ? I don?t mean to discourage anyone from going to the gym. But one thing I know for sure ? if you do work out, you have to do it for yourself, with full acceptance of the fact that you may actually get big with all its consequences (!) and with lots of self-love. Self-hate cannot be what drives you to work out.
I?ve been studying French for 18 months now. I love this language - I really want to learn it fast, I?m 100% motivated. I work a lot on it and I really have great results. I don?t complain. I don?t find excuses not to spend another hour on learning vocabulary. I am happy while I do it. And I know that this is exactly the kind of mental approach that I need for going to the gym if I am ever to start working out again ? and if it doesn?t come, there?s really so much more to the world around us than only muscle.

[nnnrg]

If you can do it, please keep some kind of exercise program going, not to gain muscle if you don't want it, but to keep yourself healthy. You'll thank yourself for it, immediately and later in life. (Doesn't need to be weights, though circuits can help keep you fit enough without trashing your body, and kettlebells are an easy home thing.)

[rododoro3]

I'll just contribute a bit about depression.

One of my closest friends suffered a traumatic experience which eventually drove her to become borderline suicidal.
How did she recover?
She talked about it.
My advice is... Talk about what's burdening you.

It's no use saying "I feel like it's impossible for me to go to the gym," and then rejecting the advice you get.
You're dealing with a complex; You feel like your body is inadequate, but when you try to improve it, you just compare it to others and feel so horrible that you stop.

As stated before, a very good source of motivation when going to the gym is a friend.
I have a lifting partner. We always challenge each other. I push him and he pushes me.
When I try going to the gym alone, I sometimes feel how you feel.
I feel judged.
I feel like every person working out is looking at me and thinking "This guy again. He's so far below me. I wonder when he'll quit."

You need to realise something.
This is something my friend told me she realised, which in turn helped me become more self aware.
Almost everyone is pretty much like you.
Don't give me this "Everyone is unique" excuse.
When you go to the gym, you go to improve yourself. When I go to the gym, I go to improve myself.
When people in this community go to the gym, they go to improve themselves.
They don't go to the gym to judge others.
If I see someone struggling at the gym, I won't sneer at him or her and go back to lifting. When I finish my set, I'll come round and see if they need help.
This happens quite a lot at my gym. People are respectful of one another and do their best to help each other in the quest for a better body.

And if people in your gym don't do it...
Switch gyms.


Postscript.
I can't really judge by what you've written, but the feeling of inadequacy is one of the symptoms of depression. You say you've dealt with it on your own.
If it is depression, please, please, go see a professional.
Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. We all need our pep talks sometimes. Mental health is just as important as physical health, if not more, and a good therapist (I know this is a cliche) will make you feel better no matter what your problem is.
If you can't afford a therapist, talk to a friend.
Just talk to someone. Talking helps.

Good luck.