When family doesn't support you in your transformation

[niko777]

Hi guys,

It's been a while since I wrote anything on this forum. Something kinda bad happened to me health wise about 1 year ago, and I decided it was a good reason to start a transformation.

I went from 260 pounds (I'm 5'11") to 179 pounds in about a year. It was pretty hard, but I lost about 13 inches on my waist and managed to keep good muscle mass. (I only lost about 2" on my arms during my 81 pounds weight loss, which I think is not bad at all!)

I'm very proud of myself, and I'm happy I can now wear nice fitting clothes instead of clothes that will barely help me hide my shapeless physique. I really feel great, even though my health problems aren't 100% resolved.

The problem is that my family hasn't been (and still isn't) too suportive of me. And that sucks.

My parents have been giving me a hard time, telling me I'm not eating enough. My dad even asked me if I was anorexic... -_- I know he was somewhat joking, but it still hurt.

Today was my cousin't birthday, and I went to my uncle's place to celebrate with the whole family. Pretty much everyone made comments about how I had changed, how good I looked, etc., but it's like I could feel that they were thinking "what a show off".

Then, my uncle got drunk, and he started insulting me, saying I had gained and lost all that weight just to get attention. He even yelled that I was pissing him off and that he was jealous! My family was kinda laughing, but it was pretty humiliating, especially since he was yelling with the door open. Poor neighboors, lol...

Anyway, how do you deal with that? I love my parents, my uncle and my family, but I feel like while they act impressed by my weight loss, they are thinking I'm some kind of attention whore - which I'm not at all! I didn't even once started to talk about it, it's the others who came to me to talk about it!

So yeah, I'm kinda bummed about this situation. If someone I loved lost 81 pounds, I would be sincerely happy for that person. Not jealous or whatever.

Niko

[hulkoutlvr]

The older I get and the more experienced I become in family interactions the more I am convinced that adult children should never be around their parents after the age of 18. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Most parents can never get past the fact that we are grown adults with minds and feelings of our own, and hearts that can be broken. I've spent a life with a family that has constantly degraded me and completely disregarded my abilities. I know how you feel. I would give anything if I could be on my own and completely away from my family. Believe me I know.

[raven79]

Niko they are just jealous of your willpower because they don't have it. You should not let them dictate how you feel because you are stronger than they are in that department.

[dominicrue]

Most people don't know what you want/need in your life to be happy. Sometimes it's working out and being a bodybuilder, some times it's changing your sex. Either way you know what you need and why you do what you do.

Majority of people don't change very much.So for them to see you change so drastically, it's hard for them to handle. It's hard for people to understand that sometimes we end up bodies that don't represent who we think we are inside. Sometimes we need to go out of our way to get close to a body we think would represent us well

I wouldn't take peoples negative opinions seriously. I'd just focus on your goals and push forward towards them.No one ever got where they wanted to be by doing what everyone else thinks they should do.

Your dream is YOUR dream. Not theirs.

[Mdlftr]

Originally Posted by dominicrue

Most people don't know what you want/need in your life to be happy. Sometimes it's working out and being a bodybuilder, some times it's changing your sex. Either way you know what you need and why you do what you do.

Majority of people don't change very much.So for them to see you change so drastically, it's hard for them to handle. It's hard for people to understand that sometimes we end up bodies that don't represent who we think we are inside. Sometimes we need to go out of our way to get close to a body we think would represent us well

I wouldn't take peoples negative opinions seriously. I'd just focus on your goals and push forward towards them.No one ever got where they wanted to be by doing what everyone else thinks they should do.

Your dream is YOUR dream. Not theirs.

All I have to add to this is the knowledge that often our own dreams and aspirations are very different from those of our family. As you grow up and move away from home and start your own life, family becomes more an indicator of where you were and where you came from, not what you are doing now. Your uncle sounds like he probably wishes he could make some changes in his own life, and he's frustrated. He sees you making major changes in your body composition, and he's jealous that you are able to seize control and change your own life.

It's hard to be happy for someone else when you're miserable yourself. Their success reminds you of your own perceived failings.

If I were you I'd focus on what you can control (your weight, your life) and just let your family's idiosyncrasies go. You can love them - you don't have to agree with them or even understand them. That's what friends are for.

Congratulations on the hard work and the results! You did it! Now keep going to your next goal!



Mdlftr

[niko777]

Thanks you for your answers, guys. You really helped me out. It's just hard for me to put some distance between my family and me, because I tend to see them as the most important people in my life.

[paarke]

Just remember that its your life, not theirs. I know it can be tricky when family is involved, but its easy to spend so much effort making others happy that you never are yourself. It does sound a bit like they're jealous to me. Keep doing what you're doing and sooner or later they'll have to get used to it.

[inflated]

You have to do it for you, if others are supportive that really helps but bodybuilding is a sport that you can do on your own and tailor your results to the way you want. If family is not supportive that is their problem so you should work hard to progress in spite of their indifference.

[LeatherGryphon]

Sounds to me like you got your shit together. Don't let others tear it apart.

Family, like home towns, are a good place to be "from". But there's a wide world out there for the people who get their shit together.

[niko777]

Thanks guys.

[monstermusclebe]

When we change it forces others to look at their own lives. When no one changes around them, they can continue to justify their bad behaviors. But when someone starts to change, then they can only see how THEY aren't making changes in their own lives. Rather than dwell on that and perhaps even transform, themselves, most people take the easy road of dishing on the person making the change.

ESPECIALLY if they are family.

Ask any psychologist. Basic human egoic response.

Sorry you bear the brunt of it. But I would take the high road and feel compassionate for them, for they are not sure how to break out of their own molds for their own lives. Yes they are taking it out on you. But try to forgive them, for in a way they know not what they do.

[Eager Muscle]

Funny, at 5'11" I underwent almost an identical weight transformation, albeit TWO times (given injuries) and TWICE went through family resentment. Any improvement you make they'll make about THEM. They'll see it as reflecting poorly on them, and that you're REBELLING against THEIR values that they instilled in YOU. They'll resent your success, be insulted if you don't eat their cooking, offended if you suggest culinary change, and criticize you not only for your success but your inevitable FAILURES. You see, we all yo-yo, we all bulk up and lean out and experience setbacks, even those that have nothing to do with a lack of family support, and when we do our families who've criticized our gym time will then, unbelievably, criticize us for getting fat and tell us to hit the gym. EXPECT IT and ignore them, they can't help themselves. Keep pushing forward. You can't avoid life's REAL traumas but you can try to avoid injuries, so train smart and make that, not your family's attitudes, your focus.

[nnnrg]

Wow. First thing... Your uncle's issues are HIS issues. He needs to grow up. Of course, his problem could simply be that he's upset that the focus isn't on HIM, so he acts out like a badly trained four year old to get it back. It would be tremendously disrespectful to tell him this, but then he's been immensely disrespectful to you (and to his neighbors and everyone else) to charge you with what he did, and the only polite thing that you could do is to say "I did this for my health" and then change the subject, as blatantly as possible, and if he won't shut up, apologize to the person you were there to celebrate, and leave. He's the aggressor and leaving is a reminder that he is the aggressor.

Second thing: Your family won't support anything that challenges their status quo. They're pack-apes, like all human families, and your getting big is a challenge to the authority of the silverbacks and the alpha matriarchs.

Since you don't live in a tribe in a jungle setting where you'd have to fight your patriarch for breeding rights to your cousins and sisters, like our hairier ape-cousins, those instincts are kind of old and they can get in the way.

This is why we invented "social manners" - so you can politely establish appropriate bounds to behavior from your family and friends who somehow fail to respect those bounds innately. It may be that you have to say, "Dear family, I find it sad that you do not respect my choice to be a healthier person. Just as I would never mock you or chastise you for life choices that don't hurt anyone else, I will expect that even if you cannot find it in your hearts to be happy and supportive, you will not attempt to undercut mine."

And, a side note - if your family is one of those that tries to force their bad food, drug, drinking, smoking, or other habits on you, because to refuse is to refuse their hospitality, you only have to make one or two concessions. You can refuse anything illegal or blatantly harmful to your health, as they have no right to demand you hurt yourself just to make them comfortable about hurting themselves.

The following is advice I was given years ago about what to do for family get-togethers at holidays and special occasions.

Food, the hardest thing. Food is one of the pillars of hospitality and of family. Unless you're doing a fitness/athletic contest, or similar levels of self-discipline (like fasting for religious purposes) you cannot be there in the middle of your family and refuse their hospitality, even though they try to feed you stuff you know will cause you trouble. However, if you are on a special diet (and I recommend you make that claim even if you're not if your family's food traditions are harmful for you) you can legitimately provide your own food - so as not to inconvenience them - but accept small "tasting" servings at major meals, express your enjoyment and fellowship, and then don't go back for seconds or fifths. If they ask, explain that it's a (medical or religious) restriction that you are following. You should make your plans clear ahead of time so your hosts aren't surprised or offended. If your personal food cannot be prepared quickly and easily without intruding into the family kitchen too much, then try to prepare it ahead and freeze or package it so you won't interfere.

The big thing is that you do not reject them, you do not reject "your culture" but you do not accept that they have the right to make you harm yourself. That''s not love. And they have no right to shame you for improving yourself, because that's envy and malice and has no business thriving in a family.

[niko777]

I think you're absolutely right, guys. Thanks for your input.

[cutlerfan]

Don't let them drag you down. You deserve to enjoy the results of your hard work and workouts! Remember families often see you as the son, little bro, etc. They may have decided what you need, in their opinion, years ago. Their mindset hasn't adjusted to the new reality yet. Parents are especially bad at recognizing you are not the same wild child you were in college or that you have learned to maintain yourself. Hang in there man!

[wannabehuge]

I'd like to say thank you for posting this. I'm in the exact same boat, though my "transformation" was nowhere near as impressive as yours (mine has only been a loss of 30lbs), my family is still freaking out that I'm "anorexic."

I find the best thing is that you are happy. You still have to be happy with yourself and who you are from day to day.

BUT! speaking from the perspective of your family, maybe they just thought your weight loss was too fast. I lost my 30lbs in about a month and a half, and when I look at pictures of myself during that summer, I actually think I looked sick. My eyes were all sunken in and it just wasn't good. I'm still at the same weight, but looking a bit better. Maybe that's all they saw was the rapid weight drop?

EITHER WAY! be happy with your progress, what you've done is impressive and something to be proud of. Your happiness comes before others.

[polomuscle]

I am interested in guys who have done several cycles of steroids and completely changed their physique. How did they deal with family and friends? As far as weight loss goes, I can't understand how any family could be critical in a rational way, unless the person becomes pathologically underweight.

[FuzzyKB]

Originally Posted by niko777

Hi guys,

It's been a while since I wrote anything on this forum. Something kinda bad happened to me health wise about 1 year ago, and I decided it was a good reason to start a transformation.

I went from 260 pounds (I'm 5'11") to 179 pounds in about a year. It was pretty hard, but I lost about 13 inches on my waist and managed to keep good muscle mass. (I only lost about 2" on my arms during my 81 pounds weight loss, which I think is not bad at all!)

I'm very proud of myself, and I'm happy I can now wear nice fitting clothes instead of clothes that will barely help me hide my shapeless physique. I really feel great, even though my health problems aren't 100% resolved.

The problem is that my family hasn't been (and still isn't) too suportive of me. And that sucks.

My parents have been giving me a hard time, telling me I'm not eating enough. My dad even asked me if I was anorexic... -_- I know he was somewhat joking, but it still hurt.

Today was my cousin't birthday, and I went to my uncle's place to celebrate with the whole family. Pretty much everyone made comments about how I had changed, how good I looked, etc., but it's like I could feel that they were thinking "what a show off".

Then, my uncle got drunk, and he started insulting me, saying I had gained and lost all that weight just to get attention. He even yelled that I was pissing him off and that he was jealous! My family was kinda laughing, but it was pretty humiliating, especially since he was yelling with the door open. Poor neighboors, lol...

Anyway, how do you deal with that? I love my parents, my uncle and my family, but I feel like while they act impressed by my weight loss, they are thinking I'm some kind of attention whore - which I'm not at all! I didn't even once started to talk about it, it's the others who came to me to talk about it!

So yeah, I'm kinda bummed about this situation. If someone I loved lost 81 pounds, I would be sincerely happy for that person. Not jealous or whatever.

Niko

Niko, what you are experiencing is quite common. At 5'11" tall and 260 pounds it would sound to me like you were heading for really unhealthy territory.

You took a look, you did not like what you were looking at and you even more took the initiative to make a positive change. You should be very proud of your accomplishment.

There was a situation somewhere back in the South and a News Story was done about a young man who weighed over 800 pounds. His Mother in particular would sabotage any diet he went on feeding him food that was high in fat and in copious quantities. Both parents were also obese and the final result was that he was hospitalized to lose the weight and was able to remove over 300 pounds. Initially after this loss again documented his Mother sabotaged the whole thing causing him to gain back nearly 100 pounds of what he had lost under medical supervision. What came out was that he simply was not able to live with his family. After two years away from family he was able to walk and was preparing for surgery to remove the huge apron that was limiting his ability to walk and to get exercise.

The same situation was seen numerous times on weight loss television shows like "Biggest Loser".

I am saddened for the lack of support but be damn proud of what you have accomplished and work towards the muscle you want instead of the bodyfat you didn't.

[GenevaCarlson]

great i like it

[anpuZA]

I am absolutely flabbergasted and appalled at their response to you. You keep on losing weight, building muscle (and post pics), we'll give you our support! Do what makes you feel right, more healthy and proud of yourself.

[stronguns]

My brother-in-laws family pretty much thinks weight lifting is a pure waste of time, but they never really said much about it until this year. My brother-in-law lifts partly because his sons do. This year at Thanksgiving we went to his brothers home for dinner. His brother and wife took one look at me and my nephews and just lit into us about how we should be doing something useful with our time. No one is impressed with big muscles they said. Just makes you all look like you're stupid.

[GTlifter]

Originally Posted by stronguns

They Stood up, took off their shirts and walked over to their cousins. The older one looks right at these kids (actually one was 18 the other 19 so not exactly kids) and says, "Look at you guys. You're wimps! Wouldn't you like to have bodies like ours? Your arms are pitiful. Your chests are sunken in! That is what looks stupid." The kids were speechless and looked nervously at their parents. "Don't look at your parents, grow some balls and make your own decisions." "Well, maybe we would like a little muscle" they stammered. Thought so.

Sorry this part not a fan, I understand the adults said something that you didn't like and I don't know any other part of the backstory but to pick on the two children of those mean people they could have actually supported you guys and not thought like their parents. I never think bullying is the key no matter how you felt like you've been treated. As you stated you were above it, it's up to you as a powerful male figure in their life to maybe not embarrass them in the heat of the moment but to take them to the side and tell them that wasn't the nicest thing to do.

Really just not a fan, and you can think I'm unfortunately criticizing you but from the facts you gave this is my opinion. I would do it to anyone else on here, and combine it with the fact I once again don't like the vicious cycle approach of "you fucked with me, now i'm going to pay it forward or back".

[LeatherGryphon]

Sorry, but I read and re-read that dinner table discussion several times and I'm still confused about who exactly said what to whom. However, I support the notion that the "doing something useful with your time..." comment was uncalled for and yet typical of nosy, arrogant, controlling know-it-alls who think their shit doesn't stink.

That being said ..., I assume that their point was that devoting your time to bodybuilding to the exclusion of education and career efforts might be a shortsighted endeavor.

Yet, my belief is that attaining and maintaining good physical health as early and as long as possible is a farsighted endeavor that should be part of everybody's schedule.

My point being: All things in moderation. (Unless your goal is to become a world class bodybuilder and die at 40. Or become a world class Wall Street asshole and go to jail at 28.)

[musclefan85]

Originally Posted by LeatherGryphon

Yet, my belief is that attaining and maintaining good physical health as early and as long as possible is a farsighted endeavor that should be part of everybody's schedule.

Agreed, and it doesn't have to be bodybuilding, but given the health problems people have these days I'm surprised anyone's family members would be against regular diet and exercise.