Funk Factor

[arpeejay]

Several of you have been kind enough to ask:

What's going on?

The simple answer is: biochemistry.

I suffer from (usually relatively mild) depression and have done so all of my life. Like any other condition, it is sometimes exacerbated by circumstances, some of them beyond my control, some of them self-inflicted.

The beyond my control circumstances include the fact that things have never been quite right in my life since July 4, 2001. There followed the nutty boss (now deceased), the psycho con artist roommate , Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus, a failed job, three years of significant unemployment / underemployment in Buffalo, and, as of May 2009, yet another job failure (my contract was not renewed, although they have to keep me on until May 2010; going to work each day and having nothing to do is without a doubt the most soul-destroying experience I've ever encountered.)

As for self-inflicted: Keeping feelings of being unattractive and unwanted at bay has always been a difficult task for me. The older I get, the harder it gets. Working with a personal trainer for the past 2 1/2 years has helped tremendously, both in terms of overall health and feelings of accomplishment. But then I go and piss it away by indulging my misplaced vanity. I know better, and, moreover, I'm a hypocrite; I'm happy and pleased to be a Bigmuscle.com member when in fact I know plenty of people who have been rejected by that site and that the only reason I am a member is that I joined up before the approval process was farmed out to folks who have less generous standards than Andy and Barry.

Hence the funk, and hence comments like:

There is no point.

You're born, you suffer, you cause others to suffer, you die (usually suffering.)

One in a million does something so wonderful or so horrible that his or her name is remembered a hundred years after his death. One in a hundred million does something so wonderful or so horrible than that his or her name is remembered a thousand years later.

I feel lucky that I won't be remembered.

Which, from an agnostic, purely realistic point of view, I stand by:

We ARE born in pain. When we DIE, it hurts, and even if we're too doped up to feel the physical pain, and even if we're joyful at the prospect of meeting our Redeemer (if we believe in One), it hurts those who are left behind.

We DO wind up hurting ourselves and the ones we love and people we don't even know, sometimes intentionally but more often in total ignorance of the fact that we're doing so. It's inevitable because we are broken people; broken in the sense that we're not perfect, never can be perfect, and in our imperfection we will make mistakes that hurt other people.

And, no, most of us will not be remembered, or not for very long.

I'm a little surprised that no one has responded directly to these points, which are pretty much the core question we face as human beings, namely, why bother?

What I expected to see:

(1) The Christian's response:

For all your imperfection, you are a child of God and, as such, innately lovable, innately forgivable. Forgive yourself, as God forgives you, so that you can forgive others, and be forgiven by them. In the end, we will all be part of God, and then, and only then, it may all make sense. In the meantime, live and love.

(2) The secular humanist's response:

And yet we soldier on. We can't know joy and triumph unless we experience rejection and despair. What counts is how you live your life. Give it meaning. Love the people who are in it, enjoy the wonder of the Universe in which you so improbably find yourself.

Lest you worry, I know these things, all of them, to be true. The trick, on any given day, is remembering all of them.

In the meantime, I will keep typing.

xoxo

Richard

[SWMassMan]

Big hugs to my BIG muscle friend Richard.

[howardbeatman]

I have an official diagnosis of clinical depression. Two decades of psychotherapy only provided limited relief from the feeling that life was not worth living and that I could never be happy. However, low doses of an anti-depressant made a big difference - I could never have coped with eight months of unemployment without it. As a doctor's son, I know well the danger of medicating one's whole life... but this is different. You won't feel the difference for a while, but the people around you will see the difference much sooner as you become a more pleasant person to be around. And you will feel better about yourself and about the world.

[arpeejay]

Howard, thanks for the feedback. I've been enjoying "better living through chemistry" since 1992.

R

[Mdlftr]

Richard,
I am sorry to hear that you are currently going through a depressive episode. As others have suggested, medications may help your mood. As far as accomplishments, and being remembered, you have something that not many people have: you have children, who will carry on your memory (and your genes) and your mannerisms, and your aphorisms, and who-knows-what-else! I know I'll always remember your sense of humor and your generouslity ("great story" etc. etc. ) and your demands ("pix, dammit, pix!!")

Everyone goes through rough patches, whether it's in careers, relationships or just life. I could tell you horror stories about "job transitions" that would convince you that Oliver Twist is a comedy compared to some of what I've experienced.

Your friends here on the site are pulling for you. I know when things are down, it's hard to believe that, but we are. The fact that we're hundreds of miles away doesn't help, but the sentiments are real.


Hang in there, bud. Better times are coming. You'll get a better job, and this episode will take its place in the pantheon of "oh, you won't BELIEVE this one," which is how many of us deal with crappy experiences-- they (eventually) can make great stories!

Mdlftr.

[msclundylvr]

Hey Richard,

Hang in there, buddy. Depression runs in my family and I know firsthand it can be difficult for everybody. Just remember that your family and friends love you and always will--no matter where they are.

To go along with your Christian statement: I heard in a sermon this week that ultimately we are not judged by our sins, but how much we loved. Love is what is important. That statement is still resonating in my head a week later...

XOXO,
Msclundylvr

[philat99]

Thanks for your thread and explanation. I was worried for you and will be praying that you DO REMEMBER DAILY how much you are loved and appreciated by God and by us!
Mike

[kezzz]

Hey Richard big guy! You're always my hero in my eyes! I know that bigbimelb dude is an arrogant asshole... I went and had a look at the website (and other ones the like: bigmuscle.com) I get pretty depressive too...

I come with term that I could never be hot and built in short time frame, to make all other beefcakes to like me. I have decided that I accept who I am and what I am... sure I still eye on other beefcakes but I must remind myself that - no way in hell, even when it freezes over, that those guys be wanting to have anything to do with me - and so that way I'm not disappointing myself.

I prefer genuine real people like yourself, that I can chat with and befriend with for real. If they're well built or muscled, then that's awesome, at least I get to know the real person first then get to admire their physique as bonus. hehe.

*hugs*

[brahms97]

Why no mention of your partner, Richard? We single guys envy you! Not to mention your writing abilities!

Dave

[ts1976]

I've been battling dysthymia (chronic, mild depression) and anxiety for years as well, so I know a little about how you might be feeling. It's not easy, as you are well aware, but thankfully there are good days mixed in with the bad.

Do you think seasonal affective disorder might be exacerbating your depressed mood? I start really noticing it myself around this time of year. I've found that the regular use of a light box has been of help.

I hope you know just how much you're well liked here and how so many of us appreciate your contributions.

[traveller]

Richard,

To be perfectly honest, I think you're attractive. If I saw you at some place like Lazy Bear with your shirt off with a big smile, I would definitely take a good long visual drink.

I hope you keep working out and striving to reach your bodybuilding goals.

--traveller

P.S. Your stories help keep me a bit sane during my travels through the sticks right now.

[arpeejay]

Thanks for all the kind words. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was fishing (obviously that's what I was doing, although I don't think I was conscious of it at the time.) Your sympathetic expressions certainly helped, as did working out with Josh (my trainer) Tuesday morning (it always does!)

I seem to have turned the corner on my funkosis.

Thanks again!

Richard

[wolfotehmoon]

Some fridge logic from, of all places, a manga called Bokurano: you live on because countless lives before you have sacrificed themselves to allow you to keep going. From that chicken you at yesterday to the kid in China who's dying of the cancer he got from dying your shirt your favorite color, to your friends and family, who often give up their own dreams for your own sake: it would be of the highest insult to them to throw it all away. Of course, this all requires that you believe life itself is sacred; believing that reality is reality and *this is it* is probably the hardest hand dealt to you to play.

So, I guess I didn't really contribute much with such a circular argument, but in my darkest days, that's what kept me going. Well, that, and Caramelldansen. :P

[ytrewq]

"Which, from an agnostic, purely realistic point of view, I stand by:

We ARE born in pain. When we DIE, it hurts, and even if we're too doped up to feel the physical pain, and even if we're joyful at the prospect of meeting our Redeemer (if we believe in One), it hurts those who are left behind.

We DO wind up hurting ourselves and the ones we love and people we don't even know, sometimes intentionally but more often in total ignorance of the fact that we're doing so. It's inevitable because we are broken people; broken in the sense that we're not perfect, never can be perfect, and in our imperfection we will make mistakes that hurt other people."

It's perfectly understandable why you would stand behind those statements, but I can only assume you are purposefully leaving out all the positives. We experience pain sorrow and death. We experience some measures of comfort, joy and life as well.
Whether you have had more or one than the other isn't really relevant. It's a question of whether those good experiences are valuable enough to you to keep on living as long as you can even through the worst of the bad.

Yes we are imperfect. Why should we expect to be perfect? Shouldn't we instead be grateful for the things that turn out right in us and have the humility to realize things could be so much worse? No, we're not perfect, but we're pretty damn good all things considered.

"believing that reality is reality and *this is it* is probably the hardest hand dealt to you to play."

Not all that hard, really. It's just a matter of being grateful for what you have been given, instead of expecting that you should have an infinite amount of what you want, be that life itself, or anything else.

[arpeejay]

Oh, and:

Earlier today I resigned my position, effective immediately, at the UB Libraries. I'm still slightly shell-shocked but my only regret is not having done so five months ago!

Thanks again for all the kind words...

Richard

[Mdlftr]

Originally Posted by arpeejay

Oh, and:

Earlier today I resigned my position, effective immediately, at the UB Libraries. I'm still slightly shell-shocked but my only regret is not having done so five months ago!

Thanks again for all the kind words...

Richard

That sounds like it is a major load off your mind! No sense in staying where you hate it and you're not wanted!

Now go out there and move on to your next step -- be it becoming a "tennis dad" a gainfully unemployed "consultant" or ????

Good luck!

Mdlftr

[arpeejay]

For now:

House husband and gym bunny.

Come the New Year, I'll get serious about what I want to be when I grow up!

xoxo

Richard

[consumu]

Originally Posted by arpeejay

For now:

House husband and gym bunny.

Come the New Year, I'll get serious about what I want to be when I grow up!

xoxo

Richard

That sounds like it is a major load off your mind! No sense in staying where you hate it and you're not wanted!
Now go out there and move on to your next step -- be it becoming a "tennis dad" a gainfully unemployed "consultant" or ????
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