muscle related relationship problem (?)

[Slevin]

So, I am a bit skeptical about posting this here but I think it relates to the board and maybe some posters can shed some light.

I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now. He is my first boyfriend. We both love and care for each other very much. We are fairly open and communicative. I have some occasions (like now) where I hesitate to mention problems and think about them for a few days instead.

I'll get straight to the point. Ever since I was in about 7th grade I've felt attracted to muscular men. I like the muscle, strength and on the Freudian side probably the sense of security that comes with domination. I don't consider it wrong and I've told him about the attraction. He tries to incorporate it in our sexual relationship but its not easy for him because he doesn't really share the same interest.

He's by nature a very calm and quiet person. He finds it very hard, if not impossible to place himself into an aggressive dominant position. I do think that he can do it, there is just a lot of shyness behind him taking that role. Most of my evidence is from the fact he can be pretty wild when under the influence of alcohol.

Now, the real problem I have is that he can't really satisfy me. I always end up finishing or not comeing at all. He's obviously noticed and it concerns him. I finally after 7 months of being together got him to try sex and he likes it very much. Unfortunately, again, he maintains a quiet posture and I don't really find it as exciting as it could be (or needs to be for me). I think I've convinced him to bottom but I'm not sure how it will go. It really is the last try before I have to very directly tell him what he is doing doesn't excite me enough. I know this is a conversation no one wants to hear and it's very hard to sugar coat it. I don't place all the blame on him and I've been trying very hard myself to adapt but its just not working. I'm not very good at filling this role myself, so its hard for me to demonstrate how to be aggressive and dominant. I'm hoping if he's open to bottoming that will change.

My fear is that we are both so compatible and so very in love that this is not something I would consider leaving him over. I just can't say how I will feel in a year, 5 years and so on. It's a very important part of any relationship and I want ours to be functional.

I'm open to suggestions. Should I just come out and tell him? Should I expect him to make changes for pretty much my sole benefit? I really don't know the answer and I'd greatly appreciate any thoughtful comments.

Edit: Oh, I should point out that I'm not just an admirer of muscle. I go the gym regularly and it wouldn't be hard to talk about my muscle

[arpeejay]

I think it's tricky stuff, Slevin.

People can have great sex and lousy relationships, lousy sex and great relationships. Even the best relationships can pretty much expect a cooling of ardor after a few years; keeping it interesting is something both members of the relationship need to work at.

A bigger question is this one: Are you likely to be completely physically satisfied in any relationship? So much of what makes it work for any of us is what goes on inside our own heads -- and it's very hard to get inside someone else's head.

If my feedback seems ambiguous, good -- it's meant to be! Figuring out where to draw the line, or whether to do so, is something only you can do.

xoxo

Richard

[Mdlftr]

Well said, RPJ!

Let me add, that the idea of "perfect sex" out-there-somewhere is a highly suspect concept. People are conditioned by our consumerist society to never be satisfied, because, let's face it, if you were satisfied, you'd never try/buy anything else, would you?

However, people are not the same as a brand of toilet paper or a new shirt. People are unique, and each combination of persons brings something different to the pairing. Is this guy the right one for you? Who knows? You've "been together" for 7 months. That's not a very long time, in the context of "forever" which is what relationships potentially can encompass. Is he the "wrong one"?

Well, that depends on what your definition of "right one" is.

You don't say how old you are or how many relationships you've had (I think you said this is "my first boyfriend".) As RPJ said, the sex is just one factor in the relationship. Some relationships have great sex, but everything else is lousy. Other relationships have o.k. sex, but the time together is stimulating, life enhancing and amazing. Point being, relationships have their own level, and experience in life and relationships will help you figure out what you want, and what is "enough".

Good luck - we've all been there.

Mdlftr

[Slevin]

Thanks. This was exactly what I needed I think. It's not very easy to meet gay or even gay friendly people where I live. It's mostly a military area so its a mix of people who don't want to talk, and closested gay military people who just want to trick and pass their VDs around.

I think my relationship is your latter description Mdlftr. I guess what I am aiming for is an improvement in the sex area but not perfection. I'm a big believer in equal exchange. As long as we both contribute equally then things should work out, even if it is not perfection.

He is close to finishing his doctoral degree in clinical psychology and I am working on mine in neuropsychology. I think the input from others is more valuable than any opinion or analysis I could come up with myself in this case.

[arpeejay]

Slevin, I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote:

I'm a big believer in equal exchange. As long as we both contribute equally then things should work out, even if it is not perfection.

Relationships take work, that's all there is to it, and sometimes the sex takes work, too! The two of you are highly intelligent, highly motivated, and very hard working, or you wouldn't be doing what you are doing. There is very little that two people of intelligence and good will can't do, although I can tell you from experience that some obstacles (sexual orientation, for example) are insurmountable.

All the best...

Richard

[tlee4000]

Slevin, I've read your post several times to be sure I understand your situation. From what I've read, you and boyfriend are just entering into the sexual side of your relationship, the previous 7 months being a primarially intellectual and emotional relationship. This, I believe, is very important part of a relationship, that you simulate each other intellectually and emotaionally. Just starting the sexual side is going to require patience and communication. Be open and positive in your discussions. This is a time of discovering what it is that satisfies each other, just be honest, open and positive. It may be that his shyish could be holding him back, so to speak, until he becomes more adjusted to the new stage of your relationship. Exhange suggestions of things you can try together and never feel bad or make the other feel bad if things don't work quite right just keep your love for each other first in everything.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years this summer and actual sex is a small part of our relationship. We enjoy each other on many levels not just sex. A little rambling but I hope it helps.