Memoirs of a Gay Jock 1

[luvyalots]

Thursday, June 26, 2003:

Ok, so how do I start this thing again? From the beginning, I guess. Hey, my name?s Will and I just graduated high school.

God, that sounds lame. This is a journal, not some stupid dating site. Let me start again?

So, back in high school, I used to write a journal. It was off and on, nothing complex ? just a place to write down stuff on my mind. I think it started with my freshman year English teacher Mrs. Gisham ? something about writing without thinking. Most people did only what they had to do for class, but I started doing it outside of class. No one else ever knew about it and I kept it in the bottom drawer of my desk at home.

Anyway, I was rummaging through my desk deciding what to bring with me to college and all when I came across it. It had been over a year since the last entry and I figured I?d start it up again since my life?s about to change. So, here goes?

I was actually surprised I got into college. My grades have been so-so and I only applied to Mitchell State, unless you count County College, but any idiot can get in there. I figured if MSU didn?t take me, I could always go to County and go from there. But imagine my surprise ? and my mom?s ? when I got the acceptance letter. And not only that, I got a partial scholarship for track.

I?ve been on the track team since freshman year ? running the 400 and high hurdles ? but I never thought I was good enough to get money for college. And not only that, but the coach wants me to come early for summer training. It starts in July so that doesn?t give me a lot of time to get ready, hence the reason I was rummaging through my desk.

Of course I?m excited about college ? living in a dorm, not having my mom looking over my shoulder all the time, partying every weekend ? it?ll be pretty sweet. But frankly, I?d be lying if I said I wasn?t a little nervous. I mean, I could fuck things up, especially in track. What if I?m not as good as they think I am and get cut or something? Whatever, I?ll worry about it if it happens. And then there?s?

Wait, should I say it here? No one?s gonna read this so who the hell cares.

Ok, ever since middle school, I?well, how do I put it? I?ve always been sort of?damn it, I don?t know.

I?m gay. Ok, there, I said it. I don?t know when I knew it or exactly how I found out. It just kind of happened.

No one knows, not even my mom or my friends at school and certainly not any of the guys in track. Not that anyone would have a problem with it, it?s just?you know, they might not be comfortable with it. I?m not obvious ? I don?t talk funny or act gay. I?m just?you know, attracted to guys. I?ve stolen glances at the other guys in the locker room and, well?I mean, I?ve had a few girlfriends. I?m a good-looking guy ? about 6 feet, 160 pounds, blue eyes, brown hair, kinda muscular with a six-pack and everything, so I?ve never had a problem getting laid. I?ve just always had to force myself to get it up when I?d have sex with girls.

But now that I?ll be at college, I?ll be living with another guy. What if he catches me?you know, doing something? Whatever, I?ll just have to stay in the closet for now?not that I?ve been thinking about coming out, but?oh, never mind.

Anyway, it?s getting late and I?m getting tired so I?ll stop here.


Saturday, June 28, 2003:

Well, this is it. This is my last day before I head off to MSU. So of course, my mom went ahead and planned a going-away party for me. Nothing big, just a few family members and neighbors and such. But since, I was spending the afternoon hanging out with the guys on the track team, she wanted my last night to be ?special.? Special, my ass. If by ?special,? you mean having dinner with the Matthews?.

I guess I should explain the Matthews. They?re the family that lives next door. Mrs. Matthews is a single mother just like my mom, so that?s probably why they get along so well ? they have nothing else in common. While my mom is all prim and proper, Mrs. Matthews is like a female truck driver or something ? at least she?s sounds like one. She has a really scratchy voice like she?s smoked all her life and I don?t think I?ve ever seen her wear makeup or a skirt.

And then there?s Duane. That?s Mrs. Matthews? older son. He?s my age so he?s graduating with me. Except he got a full ride to some music school somewhere. That?s good for him since his mom doesn?t have a lot of money. Some of the guys on the track team make fun of him for being a band geek and?well, he is, but he?s a nice guy. I?ve practically grown up with him. Ok, I?ll admit I find him kinda cute with his jet black hair and really green eyes. He?s skinny and doesn?t have much muscle, but he has a beautiful smile. Of course he doesn?t know I like him ? he never could.

We did a lot together growing up, despite the fact that he?s into music. We were on the same Little League team, same youth soccer team, same karate dojo. Duane wasn?t very good at any of it ? I mean, like I wasn?t the best athlete either, but I was better than him at most everything. I guess that?s why he was so into music, whereas I did sports ? I have no sense of rhythm.

Anyway, we were playing football in our backyard before dinner ? of course I was trouncing him since I have like 20 pounds on him and could push him down easily whenever he had the ball. So I let him tackle me every now and then just to make it more fair. Then all of a sudden, his little brother comes out of nowhere and whines about how a guy my size should beat Duane easy.

Ok, let me describe this kid. Danny is in eighth grade, so he?ll be in high school next year. And good luck to him because if guys make fun of Duane, Danny will be bullied to no end ? if he isn?t already. How do I say this politely ? he?s short, fat and weird. He doesn?t say much, but when he does it?s usually something awkward. I mean, he?s not socially inept or anything ? just a little, you know, weird.

Anyway, Duane just laughed off his little brother?s remark ? what else do you do? ? and said that I was letting him tackle me on purpose. I felt my face blush a bit ? I should have known he would figure it out. Not like it mattered ? it?s just, you know, I didn?t want to make it obvious.

So then Duane said that Danny was planning on playing football in high school. And he said it with a proud look on his face. I felt like saying something about someone in his family being a jock, but that would be mean to Duane. He was in such a good mood with his scholarship and all. Plus, the word jock is certainly not something you?d label Danny. I mean, come on, the kid is a?well, a fatass. He weighs something like 230 pounds and you only have to see the way he eats to understand why.

Danny scarfed down his dinner and asked for seconds and shoved that in like it was the last meal he?d ever eat. In fact, I don?t think I?ve ever seen him without food ? and the crap he stuffs his face with. No wonder he?s so fat. When he was little, my mom always called him a roly-poly butterball, but now that he?s hitting puberty, he?s becoming downright overweight. I almost feel sorry for the kid ? he?s probably gonna be bullied so much in high school. Maybe football might be a good place for him. He?ll learn to throw his weight around or something.

Anyway, I told Duane I?d keep in touch with him in college. Of course he made me promise to come to his recitals. Yeah, whatever?I?ll be too busy with track and?well, you know, other stuff. Maybe?

God, I?m so psyched for tomorrow.


Thursday, July 3, 2003:

Shit, so many things have happened in the last week, I haven?t had a chance to write anything down. Ok, so I arrived at MSU on Sunday and moved into my dorm. It?s small, like I expected, but then I met my roommate and he made it seem even smaller.

His name is Tomas ? his last name is really long and I could never pronounce it ? and he?s from Poland. Speaks good English though. When I first saw him, I was floored. The guy is jacked out of his mind. He barely fits through the door ? he had to walk in sideways ? and his arms are the nearly size of legs, no joke. And you should see all the stuff he brought with him. I thought I brought too much. He had three suitcases ? and that was just for his clothes. He also had a whole box of protein powders and mass gainers with names I had never heard of.

Turns out the guy is a shot putter ? those are the big ones ? and is planning on bulking up over the summer. As if he needs to. He said he?s 6?2? and 240 pounds. He wants to be at least 275 by winter. Damn, he?s already twice the size of any of the shot putters on my team in high school.

So then, we had orientation for the track team. We had our physicals done and all. I?m exactly 6 feet and exactly 160 pounds. I was always pretty happy with that ? thought I was pretty muscular until I saw the other guys who specialized in the 400. Holy shit! They all have huge biceps and cut torsos and massive quads. I mean, I?ve got abs and all but I never knew anyone could be that muscular...at least no one on a track team. There?s this one black guy ? a sprinter ? who I swear you can see every single one of his muscles underneath his skin. It?s sick! The muscles in his thighs shift whenever he moves and the peaks in his biceps are ridiculous.

Next, we were all timed ? we only did the flat 400 first. Damn, I just couldn?t compare to most of them ? they left me in the dust! Maybe the 400 won?t be my event in college. But then, the assistant coach took me aside and asked me about hurdling. I told him my stats ? my times, how I made the county finals ? trying not to sound as nervous as I felt. He said they?d test me on that after the July break, but for now, he was recommending me for the 800. The 800? That?s a middle distance. Only the really skinny, scrawny guys ran that ? at least they did high school.

That?s when I met Johnny. He?s one of the 800 specialists and wow?I don?t even know where to begin. He has these really bright blue eyes and full lips. And then his body ? round shoulders, striated pecs, bulging biceps, perfect abs ? the whole package. He was wearing only a pair of track shorts so I could clearly see his ass and his bulge?you know what I mean. I had to try hard to keep my own from growing, so I immediately looked away

Well, he must have spotted me because he came over and introduced himself. He shook my hand ? he had a tight grip and I couldn?t help but look at the veins jumping in his arm. I told him how the coach just decided that I would be an 800 runner. Johnny smiled and I swore my heart skipped a beat ? he made Duane back at home look, well, plain.

He told me he ran the 800, too. His voice was so soft and deep it was hypnotic. He went on to explain that the 800 was different than in high school?more physical. God, the way his lips moved when he said the word physical?

I immediately blurted out something like, how do you know? Are you a freshman? I winced, not wanting to sound as rude as I thought I did ? it just blurted out, you know. But Johnny just smiled?.making my heart beat faster. He told me he was a freshman, but that he just came from a school with a really good track program. Looking back on his response now, I can see how it can seem cocky, but it certainly didn?t sound that way when he said it.

So we had dinner at the Student Center that night after practice ? I was really hungry ? and I found out more about him. Apparently, he comes from a really wealthy family, but he can?t stand them ? he couldn?t wait to leave home. I asked him why, but he was vague and just said that he didn?t feel comfortable around them. I thought that sounded weird. I mean, who doesn?t like their family? Yeah, I ?hate? my mom sometimes, but not really. I decided not to push him any further, so we talked about track for the rest of the time.

Later, when I went back to my dorm, Tomas was already asleep ? must have been the jet lag ? so I just lay down in my bed, closed my eyes and thought about Johnny until I drifted off, happy that I had made a friend on my very first day in college. This year is going to be awesome.


Sunday, July 6, 2003:

I went home for 4th of July this weekend. Even though I had only been gone a week, I felt like so much has changed ? not physically or anything, but just that there?s change. I don?t know how and I can?t explain it. Maybe it has something to do with Johnny. I can?t stop thinking about him.

I?ve seen him every day in track and even after practice, we?ll hang out. Turns out he likes the same TV shows and the same music I do. And plus, he has this sweet set-up with a Playstation and just about every game made ? I guess it isn?t all bad to come from a rich family ? so we usually end up in his room at night ? that and the fact that Tomas is always sleeping in my dorm.

Even though Johnny and I are like best friends, I still can?t get over how hot he is. When we?re in his dorm, he?ll usually be shirtless or wearing a tank-top, so I steal glances at his body whenever I can. He?s just so perfect ? his ripped abs, his tight ass. I don?t think there?s a single flaw anywhere on him. And he?s really nice, too?and his voice?damn, it?s so beautiful. I want to close my eyes and just listen when he talks. Too bad he doesn?t talk a lot. I end up usually rambling on and on about my life back home and stuff.

He doesn?t seem to mind. He says he likes hearing about my family. I?m not sure why. He doesn?t talk at all about his ? I don?t try to get him to either ? and come to think of it, I don?t remember seeing any pictures or care packages from his family. I?ve already gotten one from my mom.

Speaking of my mom, you should have seen her face when I came home for 4th of July. She gave me a hug that almost knocked me over. She asked me a ton of questions about track and how it was living away from home. I said I was doing fine. I told her about practices and how I might be doing the 800. I told her about Tomas and how he sleeps all the time. I didn?t tell her about Johnny, at least not much other than mentioning him as a teammate. I don?t know why. I?ve only been away from school for a few days and I already miss him.

Anyway, my mom and I went into town to see the fireworks on July 4th. Of course, Mrs. Matthews and Duane were there. You know, it?s funny ? I don?t get the same feeling I always used to when I look at Duane, especially after meeting Johnny. I always had a crush on Duane in high school. Maybe I have a crush on Johnny. Hell, of course I have a crush on him ? that?s obvious. But this is different than the crush I had on Duane. Whatever, I don?t know how to explain it.

At least his little brother Danny was around this time. Apparently, he?s at this training camp or something for football ? which I guess means he will be playing football in high school. Regardless, it was nice not having him around as usual, being annoying.

Naturally, Duane asked a lot of questions about track and college in general ? a lot of them the same as my mom?s ? but I still couldn?t talk about Johnny. It?s like he?s my own little secret?kinda like me being gay.

Shit, what happens if Johnny catches me looking at him and figures out I?m gay? I never thought about that ? I was so taken by him and we?ve been getting along so well together that it never even crossed my mind. Well, so far I don?t think he?s noticed anything. We?ll see ? if something does happen and he finds out somehow, hopefully he?ll be ok with it. I?d kill myself if he?I can?t even bring myself to say it lol.

All I know is?I?m counting down the days until I go back to school.

[JaceJun2]

Nice! looking forward to the continuation(s)!

[Speaker]

Glad to see you back and writing Luvyalots! Looking forward to seeing where you go with this.

[philat99]

Enjoyable first chapter. Always interesting to read of first experiences of the new real post high-school world.

[Synth.x]

Oh, these feelings seem so, so familiar...
I love your writing, luvyalots.