Mom and Dad, I'm gay and...

[arpeejay]

Reposting this great piece by Adam Cuneo in the Onion -- it reads like a demented Muscle Growth story so I figured it should go here! Which reminds me: Adam, are you on this board? Adam?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/mom...both-of,21017/

Mom And Dad, I'm Gay And Also Stronger Than Both Of You, So Don't Try Any Shit

By Adam Cuneo
July 26, 2011 | ISSUE 47?30

Mom, Dad, there's something we have to talk about. I've been wanting to tell you this for some time, and I want you to know that while I'm fully aware this might be difficult for you to hear, remember, I am still your son, and I love you very much: Mom, Dad, I'm gay, and so help me God, I am stronger than the both of you, and I won't hesitate to beat you back to the Stone Age if you give me any shit about this.

I know this must be tough for you. I understand this isn't how you expected your son to turn out, and I know you might be disappointed, but just remember that I go to the gym seven days a week and can bench-press 275 pounds easy. I take excellent care of my body, so while you can be upset, you better be careful and watch how you handle yourselves here, because if you so much as make a sarcastic remark or do anything to take advantage of how vulnerable I am right now, this will end ugly for the both of you.

Bottom line: I was born this way. It wasn't a choice. It was, however, a choice to develop huge biceps like this, so take a good long look at them before you think of uttering a hurtful or bigoted remark.

Look, I'm not na?ve. I know how you feel about homosexuality, because you've been very clear on that subject in the past. That's why it took me so long to tell you. Dad, you've said some very hateful things, not considering for a second that I might be gay, and it hurt. Not nearly as much as it will hurt when I throw you across the room if you ever say any of those shitty things again, but it still stung.

I'm a gay man, and I'm proud of it. I'm also super fast and can lift you both over my head and slam you into the ground, no problem. I've recently incorporated kettlebells into my workout routine, and while I don't expect you to understand the physical impact they've had on my body, I can tell you I've put on at least 15 pounds of sheer muscle since the last time you saw me?certainly enough to take out two homophobic parents in their 60s. Mom, what do you weigh? One hundred fifteen pounds soaking wet? Well, it's going to take a lot more than that to bring me down, I'll tell you that much. I'm 2 percent body fat, have washboard abs, and can do 50 pull-ups in a row easy. Just remember that as we continue this conversation.

You want me to be happy, right? Because I can assure you, you don't want to see me unhappy.

Look, I think both of you have known in your heart of hearts that I was gay. You can deny it all you want, but if you try to do something stupid like convince me that I'm not a homosexual and that this is all somehow in my head, I'll put you in a Jujitsu hold where I can dislocate your shoulder with one little tug. I've been taking mixed martial arts classes at this place in the city, and I'm getting pretty good. I'm actually thinking about competing in a tournament in a few months. The point is, if I can make my opponents submit in less than a minute, imagine what I could do to two arthritic senior citizens. Dad, I love you. I've always craved your approval, but you don't move as fast as you used to. You know it and I know it.

You're probably wondering when this all started. Well, I think I've always known I was different, but in college, when I began to get pretty heavy into weight training and sculpting my hulking physique, I also began experimenting with my sexuality. Does this make you uncomfortable? Well, so will your ribs cracking in half and making it impossible to breathe right for three months, so just sit there and listen, because there's more.

I have been in a relationship with another man for the past two years. You've met him. His name is Tony, and he's not my roommate, he's my boyfriend. We're in love, and if I so much as see a pained expression cross your faces because you're imagining Tony and I together, or because you thought I would marry Jennifer?which was always a completely ridiculous notion?Mom, Dad, I'll literally take you down and start kneeing you in the stomach. I seriously will. Over and over again. Also, Tony is a little stronger than me so I definitely wouldn't mess with him, either.

Tony and I are probably going to get married. Dad? What was that? Were you about to say something? Were you about to open your stupid mouth and say something that could absolutely destroy me emotionally? I didn't think so. That's why I'm going to put you back on the ground now instead of throwing you into the china cabinet. And Mom, stop crying. It's just making me angrier.

Tony and I are going to adopt children. We're going to raise a family. You are going to have grandchildren, and you're going to love them. Dad, you're going to teach them all the things you taught me, and Mom, they're going to call you Grandma, and you are going to be so thrilled to be a major part of their lives that my being gay will be the last thing on your mind.

So come here right now and give me a hug or I'll knock your fucking heads off.

[iceman75]

I know this story is supposed to be ironic and funny, but really, how funny is it to threaten senior citizens with a beatdown? Especially your mom, who gave birth to you and brought you up. Maybe I'm being too literal, and this story is meant to be nothing but a light-hearted message, but threatening violence to your parents is not that light-hearted to me. And it's not something I would associate with a gay person, not many homosexuals that I know, really wouldn't say or do such things, but then again, I don't know many gay people at all. To me, this story spreads a wrong message, but then again, I don't know what tone it was meant to take, and sometimes I do have the tendency to take things too seriously.

[Ultra GMan]

"sometimes I do have the tendency to take things too seriously."

As you suspected, this is one of those times.

[Ender]

Hmmm... maybe one could email it to your folks anonymously... no... they wouldn't realize the threat is much more a joke than a real threat of physical harm...


Edit...
For what it's worth guys when I posted this I meant it to be a dark joke, in a dead pan voice...

[FitFrankNC]

Chill out....it is just a story

[arpeejay]

More specifically...

It's ***satire*** from The ***Famously***Satirical*** Onion!

No elders were threatened, much less harmed, in the writing of Cuneo's piece.

xoxo

Richard

[philat99]

Personal opinion: The Onion and author overstepped the bounds of satire with this very poor taste.

[Ragetiger]

It's an interesting piece you managed to find. Nice long narrative as told from the first person perspecitive, which is hard to pull off. At the same time, there's a real life element hidden in this. Cause for me, I can totally see me saying half of those things.

It's scary, to a degree, that my parents almost would act and behave in such a manner when the subject is approached.

Anyways, a great short story.

[droz]

have any of you ever read The Onion?

My god it's some of the funniest shit on earth. It's hilarious.

None of what's ever written on or for The Onion is meant to be serious is anyway.

It's like the Looney Tunes of "newspapers"

Rolling on Floor Laughing My Ass Off


Interesting bit though, it does have point though.

Personally I'd like to see this as something like..."mom dad, I'm a superhuman/mutant and I like men AND women and you can't cure me of being a mutant.


But that's just me

[michaelv2]

Well, if you read the "parents" as the status quo, and the "gay son" as the revolutionary change required, then about time he got some serious muscle, and a "won't take no for an answer" attitude.

[Otaru_grower]

It made *me* laugh

[Bull]

Okay, for the satirically impaired here, let me spell out the message: infliciting emotional damage on your children through bigotry is infinitely worse than mere physical violence could ever be. Get it? Sheesh.

[iceman75]

Okay, after reading it again, I guess I recognized the fact that it is a satirical story and shouldn't be taken seriously. A few of the lines were a little funny, it's not overall the kind of humor that I usually enjoy (though I guess if you look at some episodes of my favorite show, Family Guy) perhaps in a way, it is. I guess what got me is that it was almost real, that I could almost see this situation playing out, and maybe that got me to react the way I initially did. I prefer stories that are more out of the realm of possibility, super strength and unreal muscle size, you know?

[Ender]

Originally Posted by droz

have any of you ever read The Onion?

My god it's some of the funniest shit on earth. It's hilarious.

None of what's ever written on or for The Onion is meant to be serious is anyway.

It's like the Looney Tunes of "newspapers"

Rolling on Floor Laughing My Ass Off


Interesting bit though, it does have point though.

Personally I'd like to see this as something like..."mom dad, I'm a superhuman/mutant and I like men AND women and you can't cure me of being a mutant.


But that's just me

An example of "The Onion" is How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

[chuckerz]

I was pretty much in tears from laughing so hard

[Brahma]

When I first read it, I found it not very funny.

I still do not find it funny at all. I mean, bragging about a 275 pound bench press? Pfft. What a loser. Come back when you can bench press 350.

[not2bright]

I was at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, where The Onion started before they went national.

I remember another another article that might fall into the same category. It was basically a recollection of two students who returned to their dorm after a night of binge drinking, only to be scolded by the resident advisor for being too loud and obnoxious. Todd, the RA, was berating the offenders while wearing just a towel around his waist.

"Neither Brad or I could hear anything Todd was saying, because we were both mesmerized by his massive chest and biceps, along with his amazing six pack abs," was one phrase I remember. The whole article followed that theme -- Todd yelling, and the residents not paying attention to anything but his physique.

The Onion didn't even have a web site back then, so I've never been able to find it online.

[Yachirobi]

While I'd be afraid of this guy in real life* I totally know where he's coming from. That said, no amount of physical pain can equal the emotional pain of parents who won't accept you, even if they're trying to be understanding.

*I know he doesn't exist. I still want pictures.

[Mdlftr]

I understand that it's satire.

While the threat to the parents isn't really that funny, neither is the stereotype of the gay muscle queen with the Italian bodybuilder boyfriend.

the point is that the whole thing is a satire playing on stereotypes.

Humor is always tricky. If it's too "safe" it's not that funny. If it's "funny" it will inevitably hurt or anger someone.

The main point is that it makes you think about the hurt on both sides: physical and mental.

[Koronii]

I really don't like this story, it's in poor taste, and the way the asshole narrator demands love and affection from his geriatric parents makes it perfectly clear he isn't worthy of love, gay or not.

[AuraTwilight]

Originally Posted by Koronii

I really don't like this story, it's in poor taste, and the way the asshole narrator demands love and affection from his geriatric parents makes it perfectly clear he isn't worthy of love, gay or not.

He's not demanding love and affection, though; he's demanding the respect he inherently deserves and not to be given shit for who he is. The point is that nothing he can physically do to them, short of murder, will be as painful as what they did to him emotionally.

[arpeejay]

Originally Posted by AuraTwilight

He's not demanding love and affection, though; he's demanding the respect he inherently deserves and not to be given shit for who he is. The point is that nothing he can physically do to them, short of murder, will be as painful as what they did to him emotionally.

Actually, because it's ***satire***, the point is to be over the top and ridiculous.

R

[Ender]

Agreed it is ***satire***, but the problem with satire is when it hits TOO close to the mark it quickly goes from over the top to cruel, mean-spirited and nasty.Is the target the parents or the bodybuilder or in the example Onion link I posted... How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son... who is the target? Everyone in the piece is bloodied...the Parents, the Expert, the Host and the ones that least deserve scorn the little kids.

[Koronii]

Originally Posted by AuraTwilight

He's not demanding love and affection, though; he's demanding the respect he inherently deserves and not to be given shit for who he is. The point is that nothing he can physically do to them, short of murder, will be as painful as what they did to him emotionally.

I'm sorry, but that is the most self-obsessed piece of shit I've ever heard. I really hope you don't try to say that to people who have suffered through real pain, not stupid emo shit like your parents not approving of your sexuality.

[AuraTwilight]

Hey, I'm not saying I agree with it, just translated the intended point as I see it.

Though I do think you're overreacting slightly. It's not "stupid emo shit" to be emotionally abused my parental figures because of who you are, being disowned and cut out of their lives, or effectively being told that your parents really only loved you on a conditional basis. I WOULD classify that as 'real pain' that can last longer than most physical wounds.

[zddh13]

whats funny to me is I would bet you all 20 bucks that if the original post didnt include the link to the onion site every single person on here that said they didnt like the post because of some reason would have loved it and thought it was the first chapter to a story and begged for more... only reason I think that is because I have seen many of you do it to stories like this before.

[MuscleHintz]

Originally Posted by zddh13

whats funny to me is I would bet you all 20 bucks that if the original post didnt include the link to the onion site every single person on here that said they didnt like the post because of some reason would have loved it and thought it was the first chapter to a story and begged for more... only reason I think that is because I have seen many of you do it to stories like this before.

The reason this article was so controversial was that for many of us, the story hit a bit too close to home. Not only that, but harming the elderly is incredibly offensive. The only reason I'd accept it is that it's from the Onion, which is pretty well known for making controversial parodies like this.

[WrapClampCrush]

OK - my Dad ALWAYS threatened everyone that he'd kick our asses if we turned out gay. Yeah. That worked. I would've been amused to try this version.

PS: My parents both laughed themselves sick over this one telling me how BADLY this tactic would've worked. We're much better to each other these days.