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Old October 28th, 2011, 03:36 PM
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Captain Democracy

With the first democratic elections in Tunisia this week, I thought that this might be rather apt

Part One

?My word? I whistled, ?and this is the major employer in this district??

Standing for election can always be an eye opening experience and this was proved beyond all shadow of a doubt when I stood in the local elections and decided to visit the major employer in the district as part of my campaign. What I did not expect was that the major employment was the country?s largest nuclear research lab.

Suitably decked in hardhats and the like, I was having a very difficult time getting my head around some of the things they were researching. I managed to catch snatches of ?applied nuclear fission? and ?polycarbide cooling channels? but the rest of it went right over my head, but thankfully the only thing that was under discussion was the recent national spending cut with the chairman of the facility who wanted my reassurance that his spending would remain intact. I said that although not in a position to affect national policy, I would certainly be more than happy to represent his views to the local Member of Parliament.

Just then his pager bleeped. He asked to be excused and picked up a nearby phone as I posed for a photograph in front of something labelled ?Proton Accelerator Feed?. I was just about to pose for another picture when I was felled by a massive blast from behind me and blacked out.

I woke up several minutes later with my agent and the chairman looking over me with concern. I sat up and noticed that I was outside. ?What happened?? I asked and was told that the feed behind me had malfunctioned, exploded and that I had been dosed with high-energy protons.

?Is that bad?? I asked.

?Not really? said the chairman, ?we all get them from time to time especially during thunderstorms, but you were dosed with them for over a minute. Do you feel all right??

I stood up and was a little woozy but apart from that, felt quite all right.

That afternoon I campaigned in another part of the district and came across an elector that was not best pleased with my party?s decision to enter into government at the previous election.

?I have voted Labour since I was old enough in 1964, since then I have voted for four Labour Prime Ministers. Harold Wilson, James Callaghan, Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. I voted for Brown in the 2010 election and when the result of the election was announced as no one party having an overall majority in the Commons, I instantly contacted my local party chair and told him that I would agree to any coalition deal with your party and wholeheartedly endorsed Gordon?s decision to create legalisation to change our voting system. And what did your party do? You jumped into bed with Cameron!?

?But sir?, I said, being as polite as possible ?If you watched the whole election programme you will have seen that your 258 MP?s and our 57 MP?s would still have been short of the 326 MP?s needed for a majority. We promised the British electorate that any coalition would be to create a strong and stable government. 315 MP?s does not make a strong and stable government and that is why?"

?I will never vote for your party at all. Good day, sir!? and with that he stepped back inside.

?Can I at least offer you a leaflet?? I asked, handing him a leaflet.

?NO!? he said and slammed the door. I suddenly realised that my hand was going to be trapped in the door and knew that I couldn?t move it quickly enough. I closed my eyes, gritted my teeth and hoped that the pain wouldn?t be too excruciating.

After a few seconds, I gingerly opened my eyes to reveal that the door had not closed and that my hand was blocking it. The man opened the door, grabbed the leaflet from it and instinctively I pulled my hand out of the door which he slammed. I pulled up the sleeve of my jersey to inspect the damage and found to my amazement that there wasn?t any. Taking a pencil from my pocket, I marked the elector down as an ?Anti? and then felt my wrist. Although not an expert, I couldn?t feel any broken bones nor see any cuts or bruises.

?But that?s impossible? I thought, and then suddenly remembered the accident at the research station. ?No? I thought, dismissing the idea instantly and carried on campaigning. That night however, the idea I dismissed became only too real.
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Old October 28th, 2011, 11:11 PM
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Old October 29th, 2011, 01:23 AM
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Part Two


?Ah, Councillor? came a voice from somewhere, ?glad to see that you?re back in the land of the living. How much longer for is a topic of debate!?

Shaking myself awake, I was shocked to find myself strapped to a metal frame with my hands above my head and restrained by handcuffs.

?I am a member of a local council!? I shouted, ?You are committing a criminal offence!?

I was hit again by a blast of pain which when it finished caused me to pant.

?And you are withholding information on the whereabouts of a nuclear research lab in your district!? replied the voice and explained that I was trussed up like a chicken in a basket with the sole intention of divulging the location of it.

?Never?? I started before being hit again with a blast of pain, which was twice as strong as the last blast.

?Councillor!? said the voice, ?I do wish you would stop telling falsehoods. Surely being shocked by 400 volts of direct current should have taught you that. Or do I have to switch to alternating current instead to get the truth out of you??

?You wouldn?t?? I shouted, and was hit again.

?Well? said the voice, ?if that?s the way you want it, then you can have it!?

There was an ominous pause and then the voice came back.

?Councillor? it started, ?I feel duty bound to tell you that I have now switched to an alternating current and if you do not tell me the truth, I will apply a 1,000 volt charge through you!?

?But?but?but? I spluttered, ?That would be fatal. You?d kill a councillor??

?Yes, I would, Councillor! So, I ask you again where is that research station??

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth.

?I?ll never tell you!?

?Then, Goodbye, Councillor?

I screamed in agony as the charge surged through me and then as quickly as it started, it started to fade. Just as I was recovering from that I screamed again, this time not from pain but a sense of overwhelming power. I opened my eyes and was shocked at what I saw. There to my right where once my arm had been was a tree trunk of an arm with a bicep that could rival the girth of many people?s waists. I screamed again and heard a chain snapping as my other arm fell to my side and that too was similarly large.

?What?s happening?? I thought to myself before screaming again and this time I felt myself falling to the floor. Expecting me to break my back I closed my eyes and hoped for the best, but instead of landing hard I felt myself fall through three floors before coming to rest on some concrete. Holding my head, I staggered to my feet and leaned against a wall for some support, only to fall right through it and into a room full of mirrors and what I saw shocked me to the core.

There, reflected in all the mirrors stood a man but not any man I had ever seen before. He was at least 7ft tall, and looked as if he weighed over 400lbs as he was more muscular than any bodybuilder. And that?s when it hit me as the person was wearing the remains of a jacket that looked very much like mine which had a yellow rosette on it. ?Nooooooo!? I screamed and woke up with a start.

Covered in sweat from what was the worst nightmare I had ever had, I got up and blindly wandered into the bathroom where I threw a damp flannel over my face whilst I calmed down.

?It was only a dream!? I said, ?you?re not an elected member of a council, at least not yet, and moreover you are not some hulking mass of muscle!? and reassured trundled back to bed and was soon fast asleep.
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Old October 29th, 2011, 02:32 AM
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Old October 29th, 2011, 05:26 AM
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Part Three

I was woken up by my mobile phone ringing and still a little bit groggy from my poor night?s sleep reached over to where it was and missed. I opened my eyes slowly, reaching for the phone again and still missed. I eventually found it and answered the call. It was from my agent who was most upset.

?And what time do you call this?? he said, ?You were supposed to be at the council chamber half an hour ago for a photo op with your fellow candidates??

?Sorry? I said, and immediately noticed my voice was a lot deeper than usual. I coughed and said ?Sorry? this time in my normal voice.

?I should think so too!? the agent replied; ?now you have a meeting with the local pensioner?s convention at two this afternoon. Try and make it on time!? and with that he hung up.

I closed the phone, rolled over in my bed and yawned and was promptly showered by several pieces of plaster from the wall. I opened my eyes and gasped as I looked at my arms. They were the same size as in my dream.

?Oh, no, no, no, please, no!? I gasped and leapt out of bed and crashed through the floor into the sitting room below, closely followed by a shower of plaster and my bed. Without thinking, I dashed to the mirror and looked in horror. I was now the same size as I had been in my dream, except this was no dream.

I panicked and picking up my mobile, which had thankfully landed undamaged, accessed the Internet. Or would have done if my fingers were not the size of a normal person?s hands. I sat down with a bump (landing in the basement) and tried to calm down. I stood up and walked around for a few moments trying to get some sense of what had happened to me.

?What?s happened to me?? I wailed as I tried to find a reflective surface. Just then a mirror fell down and I caught it and set it down gently. I closed my eyes, stepped in front of the mirror and cautiously opened my eyes and was almost physically sick. ?I?m a muscleman!? I wailed ?but I want to be normal!?

No sooner had I said that, than a force threw me backwards and knocked me off my feet. After a few moments I came to and stumbled to my feet and caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and heaved a sigh of relief. Yes, I was naked, but normal. ?What a relief!? I said, ?I don?t want to be a muscleman!? Again I was thrown to the floor and this time when I stood up I was supremely muscled again. I then had a thought, and finding something to hold myself up by stood in front of the mirror and said, ?I want to be normal?. A force hit me in the stomach but I stood up and watched as I shrunk to my normal size. Taking a deep breath I then said, ?I want to be muscled? and literally exploded with muscle.

?Mmm? I thought to myself, ?This could be useful? as I used my newfound strength to repair the house in a matter of half an hour, willed myself normal, got dressed and set off for my afternoon campaign visit, the whole time images of superheroes whizzing around my head.
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Old October 31st, 2011, 02:39 PM
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Part Four

That evening, I went down to the beach next to my house with a backpack. As I laid it on the ground I caught myself thinking "Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to involve a close friend of mine in this escapeade?"

I spent the next ten minutes watching ths sunset pacing up and down the beach as I pondered the choices. Eventually I decided on my course of action and making sure that no one was around, I got undressed.

Taking a deep breath I thought ?I want to be a muscleman!?

Every part of my body exploded with muscle and just seconds later a hugely muscular and naked man placed the clothes that were lying around him and placed them in a backpack. The man then attempted to place the backpack on his back but to no avail, so instead placed it around his right leg instead.

Realising that I had been talking in the third person, I gently slapped my face and looked at the ocean, then taking a running jump dived into it and swam.

About five hours later, I could start to see land on the horizon and a few moments later fetched up on a beach and walked onshore. Again, making sure that no one was around, I willed myself to normal size, got dressed and made sure I was where I thought I was. A large notice saying ?Welcome to the Panama Canal? proved that I was right and walking up to a toll booth I knocked on the window and was greeted by a friendly face, if unintelligible as it spoke Spanish. I coughed and said in the only Spanish I knew ?Hola, Anglaise por favor?? The person smiled and nodded to a colleague who asked to see my passport (which I presented) and granted me access to a boat that was sailing through.

After a pleasant voyage through the Panama Canal, I thanked the Captain of the vessel I was travelling on and made my way towards the beach where again making sure I was unseen, got undressed, willed myself muscular again and set off swimming, this time in a north westerly direction.

The sun was just starting to set over Puget Sound as I arrived at Vashon Island and making sure I was unseen made myself normal and respectable and walked to the nearby road where I hailed a cab and asked to be driven to one of the suburbs of Seattle. Paying the driver, I got out and consulting the map I had printed from the Internet walked to the door of a nearby house and knocked.

?Good evening, Steve? I said, ?I trust I haven?t disturbed you from anything important?? I smiled, noting that he was only wearing a posing suit and was breathing hard.

Steve looked at me in stunned silence with an expression akin to someone who had just stepped out onto the surface of the Moon without breathing apparatus. ?Told you, you wouldn?t believe me!? I smiled as I sipped on the orange juice that Steve had provided.

Steve sat back in his chair and started to finger himself. ?You?re telling me? he said, ?that you can change from a slight podgy??

?Hey!? I said, spluttering into my drink, ?give me a bit of credit, I have lost forty pounds since the start of the year you know!?

??A slightly large? continued Steve, ?Welsh election candidate for a local council into a hulking mass of muscle just by willing it??

?Pretty much!? I said and finished my drink.

?Prove it!? he said, folding his arms

?With pleasure!? I said, ?but if you don?t mind any chance of doing it outdoors away from prying eyes. I?m trying to keep this a secret!?

And so half an hour later in the forests just outside Seattle, Steve?s car pulled up and I jumped out and got undressed. ?Ready?? I asked. Steve nodded and I willed myself muscular.

Steve stood and gasped as I towered over him by a good two foot. He then instantly fell to his knees moaning. ?I?m not worthy!? he said, prostrating himself.

?Now come on!? I said, picking him up and placing him on his feet. ?I?m still the same person you speak to online, albeit about two foot taller and twice as heavy, there is no need to stand on ceremony!?

?But I want to? said Steve gasping, ?I want to worship the mass of muscle standing in front of me? and so saying started to take off his clothes, ?I want to?? and with that he jumped on my back and started to squeeze grunting and puffing

As Steve started to pound me in the back I said to myself "I wonder if Superman had this problem with Jim Olsen?". Just then I heard Steve roar and felt a torrent of warm liquid flow down my back. Steve slid down, landed on the forest floor with a thump and was breathing hard.

I willed myself normal and as I got dressed I turned to see Steve lying on the ground, with his eyes closed and groaning.

"Are you doing anything in the near future?" I asked, breaking his concentration, "or do you fancy being employed?"

?Employed?? asked Steve, ?what as??

?My sidekick!? I replied

On the way back to Steve?s house explained what I meant and by the time we got back Steve was completely taken by the idea.

?Imagine it!? he said, lifting me over his head, ?me a sidekick to a superhero!?

?Which is why I thought you would be pleased? I said, ?Now if you will excuse me I have an election to win? and tried to jump down but Steve held me aloft and looked at me with eyes that resembled Puss in Boots from the Shrek movies.

?Oh, all right then!? I said.

I jumped down, got undressed and Steve picked me up again. I willed myself muscular and mouthed along as Steve reacted.

?Oh, yeah! I can feel your power and I like it!? he moaned as he gorilla pressed me, however after only three reps I could see that he was starting to weaken so normalised myself. I jumped down, got dressed as Steve took a shower and then hugged my new sidekick before heading back home the same way I came grateful that the next campaign event was not for several days.
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