Mass Effect; Nathan Unleashed

[brawnboy]

OK guys, this is my first story on MG, so go easy please. Part Two (the bit everyone loves - transformation time) coming soon!

Nathan had never been particularly bright. Oh sure, he was getting through school alright, but he wasn't the smartest kid in the class, and sometimes he had to work damn hard to get his answers straight. Outwardly, he was nothing special, either. At sixteen years old, he'd already gone through all of his adolescent stages, and though no longer a runt, his overall frame left a lot to be desired. Before, he'd played football for his school team, but after the incident, he'd never held a football again.
A year ago, Nathan had been practising with the team, when Coach Peterson started having a go. It was the custom, every week, that someone got shit on. Until then, it had never been him, but he didn't take it so well.
He'd broken Peterson's nose. And three of his fingers.
Though he didn't look hard, Nathan had a strength beyond his appearance, coming from deep inside of him rather than the unextraordinary muscles he had. Of course, his dad had taken him to counselling for his anger issues (fucking hypocrite, he beat Nathan shitless regularly), but it hadn't done much good. Nathan was still constantly on edge.
Sitting in his room alone (door locked - Nathan took no chances), he was leafing through one of his old FHM mags (frankly, the newest was a disappointment) when the phone rang. It was Shaw, his best friend from way back.
"Hey, Nathan, what're you doing tonight?"
"Nothing."
"Good. Can you come round to my house? I've got something here to show you; trust me, it's fucking sweet! You up for it?"
"Hell yeah. Just give me a few minutes and I'll be over there."
"See you, then."
Shaw hung up, and Nathan stood up, zipping his fly and throwing his magazine into the wardrobe (he kept them all over his room, just in case his dad found a couple). As he put on his trainers, he wondered what Shaw was going to show him.
"Probably a new game or something."

"Hey, you're here. Come on up. I've got drinks in my room."
Shaw had a mini-fridge in his room, jammed with beers (as if he cared that he was underage), and Nathan grabbed a bottle before sitting on his bed. Shaw was rummaging under his desk.
"I ordered it online. When I saw it, I thought I was going insane. But it actually came!"
"Yeah, yeah, just hurry up already. What is it?"
"...Ta-dah!"
With that, Shaw pulled out a case of cans and dumped them on top of the desk. Nathan was unimpressed.
"That's it? Some more beer? Fuck you, Shaw, I was getting excited then..."
"Beer? Are you having a laugh? This ain't no beer!"
"Well? What is it, then?"
Shaw just grinned and held up the case:
MASS EFFECT MUSCLE ENHANCER
Nathan raised an eyebrow.
"And protein shakes are great because...?"
"No, these aren't protein shakes. Apparently, you drink it, and then instant muscle!"
Nathan sighed.
"Sounds like something off the internet, Shaw. You can't be serious."
"Well, why don't we try it out? Can't be any harm, right?"
Sighing again, Nathan rolled his eyes and held out his hand.
"Fine, just one. To 'try it out'."
Shaw snapped off a can and tossed it to Nathan, who caught it easily.
"Here goes."
Clicking the can open, Nathan peered inside, and upon seeing nothing raised it to his mouth...

[Speaker]

Not bad at all for your first story dude. I noticed that it seems to be rushed, like you were racing to get all your thoughts down quickly, and while this is not a bad thing usually, you also usually want to go back to them after a while, read them over again and flesh the story out. For a first attempt, though, its pretty good. Keep working at it and you'll be an expert writer in no time

[TheMM]

Originally Posted by Speaker

Not bad at all for your first story dude. I noticed that it seems to be rushed, like you were racing to get all your thoughts down quickly, and while this is not a bad thing usually, you also usually want to go back to them after a while, read them over again and flesh the story out. For a first attempt, though, its pretty good. Keep working at it and you'll be an expert writer in no time

Agreed. Even if you don't write long chapters (like I myself, am very guilty of), try to go back, and give it a 2nd look. For me, I may take 3 hours just to end up writing about 2 whole pages for a story. The reason is simple, I constantly look back, edge, rearrange, erase, add on, etc.

Another suggestion. If you wish to, try putting your thoughts for a story, down on paper, then making those thoughts, into an outline. For me, no matter how long or short a story is, makes writing the actual thing, much easier once you get started.

If time is not your friend, then simply ask a writer for help. Most of us would be very willing to help you.

And Speaker, your sig is quite flattering (and really quite surprising). However, it's more like: "MORPH! DRAW! WRITE! *cracks whip* MORPH! DRAW! WRITE!

[sexiscriptor]

the "part two"? "the part everyone loves"? ie "transformation"?? yes please!! I'm muchly looking forward to this story continuing; the title alone has had me bubbly with arousal, heh
take care!
~Palmer

[benroc]

I agree! Where's the hot transformation?

Make it Hot! Rippling with muscle. And growing!

[Blake]

I have to agree with the previous posts


[COLOR=yellow]Errrrmmmm.........[/COLOR]


[COLOR=yellow]"When is the next part coming?"[/COLOR]

[BBMikeNJ]

Short but sweet, man. I like the set-up...Nathan's inner strength (even without much muscle), his temper, a dad that might need some attitude adjustment. Can't wait to see where it goes.

[jukeboxxx#]

You are such a tease!

But I gree yes, this stuff is thrown to you. You need to develop more on what site was the bottle ordered or develop the characters a little bit more.

Per say, you could start with a flashback for the next installement. Or can go along with the TF and develop later and grant us a part 3 and 4 and so on...

But it's great. Builds expectations. One hell of a cliffhanger.

What do I know anyways, I never bothered to write any story yet...

[sexiscriptor]

i disagree; i think you've revealed, for the most part, all we NEED to know for now; it's a short chapter, to the point. If he'd expended several hundred words more than he did in this chapter AND told us nothing, i'd be worried; concerned and annoyed at the least. And believe me we have plenty too many of that sort of writer as is. Feel free to keep it to the poitn or develop the story however you like, but as purely personal opinion--we should def start the next chapter with at least A growth scene, of many more to come i hope ;p
~Chris

[Maverick0095875]

lol how much sooner?