New Story: Central Intelligence Agency::top-secret Eyes Only

[J.A.M.86]

So i posted a story on here about oh I dont know a year ago, and it didnt get very good reviews because of the content in the story. Because of this I wasnt able to explore the idea that I had bouncing around in my head. However, I have re-thought a way to present the story in a modern context and without references to WWII or Nazi Germany...hope this works better. I decided to go crazy in depth with this one enjoy!

http://i249.photobucket.com/albums/g...CRIPTPAGE1.jpg
http://i249.photobucket.com/albums/g...CRIPTPAGE2.jpg
http://i249.photobucket.com/albums/g...CRIPTPAGE3.jpg
http://i249.photobucket.com/albums/g...CRIPTPAGE4.jpg
http://i249.photobucket.com/albums/g...CRIPTPAGE5.jpg
http://i249.photobucket.com/albums/g...CRIPTPAGE6.jpg
http://i249.photobucket.com/albums/g...CRIPTPAGE7.jpg
http://i249.photobucket.com/albums/g...CRIPTPAGE8.jpg

[muscl4life]

That's an incredible idea, the whole thing reads so COOL, i am still devouring the pages, but I already it is a breath of fresh air and very very interesting

Cheers

[J.A.M.86]

Thanks! I was hoping the way i developed the story would be liked

[muscl4life]

The forged reality touch, the detailed illustriations and the tone of the story all worked really great, dude. congratulations, I really liked.

Cheers

[wolfotehmoon]

Haven't gone through everything yet, but so far, the story is... okay. >_> I wish that it sounded a bit more official... Sorry.

HOWEVER, the presentation here is AMAZING. It's honestly a hair's-breadth away from passing as professional. You got me with the slides. ;3 With a liberal slathering of "Suspension o' Disbelief," I'm thinking that I kinda like this. It's not "Blow My Pants Off"-awesome story-wise, but damn if the storytelling isn't memorable.

[J.A.M.86]

Originally Posted by wolfotehmoon

Haven't gone through everything yet, but so far, the story is... okay. >_> I wish that it sounded a bit more official... Sorry.

HOWEVER, the presentation here is AMAZING. It's honestly a hair's-breadth away from passing as professional. You got me with the slides. ;3 With a liberal slathering of "Suspension o' Disbelief," I'm thinking that I kinda like this. It's not "Blow My Pants Off"-awesome story-wise, but damn if the storytelling isn't memorable.

I totally understand what you mean about the story lacking substance...i was so concerned with the pictures and the layout of the whole thing that the story went by the wayside...developement of a narritive is hard concidering that "official" lingo is not readily available...except for what we hear in the movies...lol.

Thanks for the overall good comment...

[wolfotehmoon]

No problem. :3 I always find that the easiest ways to make something sound "official" include: 1)Never use contractions, 2)Look up what you're writing about and try to use jargon, and 3)Go through and find words that sound a bit simple, and replace them with longer synonyms that have the same connotations. Also, staying away from colloquial terms and cliche "I'm smarter than you" phrases can help; when scientists and whatnot are trying to explain something, they're not trying to sound smart, they're trying to be right. You got that mostly down :3

[J.A.M.86]

Originally Posted by wolfotehmoon

No problem. :3 I always find that the easiest ways to make something sound "official" include: 1)Never use contractions, 2)Look up what you're writing about and try to use jargon, and 3)Go through and find words that sound a bit simple, and replace them with longer synonyms that have the same connotations. Also, staying away from colloquial terms and cliche "I'm smarter than you" phrases can help; when scientists and whatnot are trying to explain something, they're not trying to sound smart, they're trying to be right. You got that mostly down :3

so you liked the pics?

[wolfotehmoon]

They were pretty good. I liked how well you integrated them.

[gogr2]

Neat story... but dealing with classified material daily, it looked hokey to me... I could help you make it look more authentic if you would like. Let me know.

[gogr2]

BTW, go to google and search "portion markings" The first thing that pops up should be a de-classified manual that shows what classified documents should look like.

[philat99]

Great prelude or background, and interesting method of presentation. Now to get this platoon into action!
Mike

[J.A.M.86]

Originally Posted by gogr2

BTW, go to google and search "portion markings" The first thing that pops up should be a de-classified manual that shows what classified documents should look like.

thanks man...i appreciate the constructive critisism....i was just goin for the movie look --- like from Bourne series...lol. Anyway-- yeah dude i would love to know how to make things look more authentic. I was just spouting off and designing to what i thought looked cool...

[Maverick0095875]

i liked it most def id sugguest you wrote sum more

[TheMM]

Originally Posted by gogr2

Neat story... but dealing with classified material daily, it looked hokey to me... I could help you make it look more authentic if you would like. Let me know.

O rly now? And how many super-secret (secret squirrel) super-soldier experiments have you been in behind our backs and not telling us, hmm?

[gogr2]

Originally Posted by TheMM

O rly now? And how many super-secret (secret squirrel) super-soldier experiments have you been in behind our backs and not telling us, hmm?

Sadly none... I'm still searching for the secret lab and how to volunteer... lol

[redroger11]

Excellent foundation, J.A.M.86. And please don't 86 the story. Great start and it now has so many ways to go. A few humble ideas for your use if you wish. Keep the Style with pictures (and Combat or Covert Opps Uniform), and add the Soldier Journals from your Muscle Growing Platoon. It can look like the the follow up reports the Upper Brass always love to get. You could also include dialog and interactions as Recordings of the Test subjects either from hidden recording systems in their barracks or from their own Memory Downloads via the port {Really classy look in the photos BTW) Cause the regular Grunts are gonna need a little more to hang their hopes on if their IQ's are all gonna plummet. Like Pre Mission Memory Recordings or BSJU {Better Soldier Journal Update). And the very actions that the process involve will surely push some of the Regular Grunts Sexual Orientation Change Fear Buttons. That alone could be a great area for your story plot and direction. OR the military wants to reward all the fine men who followed "Don't ask, Don't tell" to their own personal sacrifice and offer the process where their being gay is an asset and can't bite them on the ass later. You'd have to allow a modified form of the Genital covers for after Mission Moral building for the platoon. Or those Special Dark Opps could have a very special modified Genital cover that allows the agent to subvert those in key positions with a modified form of the MAS313 that allows the subject to retain a bit more intelegence while requiring the SDO agent to have a lot more personality reprograming. Or.. Or..

Hey Man. Ya have a winner here. Decide what you want to do with it and you can keep your fine shiny style you've shown us and still find ways to tell your spoken part of the story just as Big and Meaty and Strong as you've done with this fine beginning. Keep Writing. {Big Goofy Grin, Still On Face}BGGSOF

redroger11

[J.A.M.86]

Thanks for the great comments...and those thoughts redroger11 give me some good ideas to incorporate into the storyline

[Terrylee Long]

Great story. I hope you follow some of the ideas that RedRoger 11 put in the reply. Remember the bigger the better. It would be kool to see how they draw the seman from the subjects.

[abbraxis]

Great work! It's a neat and new medium that I hope we see again, and considering it's you're first try, I can only expect them to get better!

Again, great job, man!

[droz]

Nice start, I liked the images on the first page. I think more depicting muscular development like that is what would really set the story.

Also how about including a female soldier or two. Perhaps working in a genetic interaction with the male semen working on women making their breast swell and produce a much more potent formula as their breast milk

[wpgym_nl]

very nice story idea

[J.A.M.86]

Im working diligently on continuing this...i will post soon

[Bigmusclefan]

congratulations that is a very good story!!!

[tojfs7931]

And how do we know that the CIA didn't choose THIS forum to divulge this information to us... jk...

Actually THERE ARE super soldier programs out there.

[toughluck]

Loved the idea and presentation, definately keep this up!