Getting past the obsession

[arpeejay]

I've been obsessed with muscle since I was 3 years old watching Jack LaLanne in his jumpsuit on B&W TV showing the ladies how to firm up their bosoms. As a kid, my eyes were glued to the screen every time Peter Lupus showed up on Mission: Impossible; every time Dave Draper or Denny Miller made an appearance on The Beverly Hillbillies or Gilligan's Island; and every time there was a re-run of Clint Walker in The Dirty Dozen or Night of the Grizzly. And that was before puberty and orgasms and stuff like that!

I've been lifting off and (mostly) on for more than 30 years. When I graduated from h.s., I was 140 lbs. at 5'10 1/2" tall. At my heaviest, I was 235. I'm usually about 215-220 and even though I've never been at a remotely competitive level of condition I'm a pretty big guy with notably large shoulders, back, and chest and nicely beefy arms and legs.

And, as I've said before, except on very rare (and wholly unsatisfactory) occasions, no one with muscle has ever looked my way, even guys who were for all intents and purposes EXACTLY the same level in terms of size and definition. So there's clearly some factor other than just size and condition at play and whatever factor it is I have no control over it and, if I knew what it was, probably would have no wish to change it.

A month from now, I'll be 53. I'm as big as I'm ever gonna get, I'm as good as I'm ever gonna get, and it's never been enough, so I'm resigning, effective immediately. I'm not going to get bigger, I'm not going to get better, and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. And while I will no doubt continue to look at big beefy guys and do the whackity whackity thing, I'm over wanting to be part of that club (cue Groucho Marx and Woody Allen...), so no more pointless, one-way flirtations, no more trips to the Arnold, nada, zilch.

Not sure, what, if anything will take it's place, although dogs would probably be a good bet, since they're an excuse to run around and compared to most dog owners / handlers I'm a frickin' Greek god.

So, to answer a question in another thread:

Yes, there are gay bodybuilders but unless you're one of them, what's the point of asking?

[brent]

Richard,
I want to to go to your local healthfood store (bodybuilding) and get a Prohormone (like DMZ 13, or Spawn) and a test booster (like Tropinol) today! I NEVER want to hear such from you. My gym has big monsters in their 60s, so you have PLENTY size in your future!
No drop and give me 20!!!

[DutchTrainee]

i agree with Brent; becoming and staying huge is great at any age!
i'm only starting, at already 37 yo, but sure that i can grow serious mass over the coming 10-15 years and more.
i think i need that obsession you are talking about - the only true way to grow, but never let your happiness depend on it... keep it growing!

[DutchTrainee]

Originally Posted by brent

Richard,
I want to to go to your local healthfood store (bodybuilding) and get a Prohormone (like DMZ 13, or Spawn) and a test booster (like Tropinol) today!

anytime you feel the need to stuff me with hardcore prohormones, boosters and stuff, be my guest!

[CelticMuscle]

Case in point:

http://www.ifbb.com/../indexes/images/budapest08/_DSC1641.JPG

(You may need to click to see picture)

Guess the class based on that pic?

Masters 40-49? Wrong
Masters 50-59? Wrong
Masters 60+? Correct

Now tell me that pensioners can't pump!

[DutchTrainee]

thats the prove! a perfect way to become 60+
there is no use in looking back, just go on, live and grow!

[arpeejay]

I'm sure they can pump; that's not the point.

The point is that for whatever reason I need external validation and that despite 30+ years of effort the amount I've received has ranged from negligible to nonexistent and the trend is decidedly downhill.

<< shrugs >>

It would be nice to be internally self-sufficient. I'm not and I'm tired of banging my head against this old brick wall.

In the meantime, my sons, go and grow some more. I'll always enjoy watching.

xoxo

Richard

[brent]

I think you need a month off. Then start back at a new gym, with a new routine & supplement regimen. You can't lose the obsession... I've tried! You need a gym with a better atmosphere. I wish you were closer to Vegas, so I could slap sense into you, er, I mean so I could show you a supportive gym with big dudes in their 60s working out with guys in their 20s. Don't lose yourself just because your gum is full of assholes!

[v4m2003]

i don't mean to be harsh here but do you think part of the problem might be that you live in buffalo? there's just not a lot of dating options outside big cities IMHO especially if you have a 'type' in mind... i am from the area and when i am home i NEVER get any action, but when i am back in the big cities i do very well, and i am NOT that jacked...

[BBMikeNJ]

There have been times where I could have written the exact same post as you, Richard. Maybe it's because I'm almost exactly the same age as you (believe me, I got every reference you made in that first paragraph...I bet you remember the first time you ever saw an IronMan magazine too). These feelings usually happen to me after I've seen some absurdly jacked up musclehead, and it occurs to me that I will never get to that level of development, no matter what I do. I usually snap out of it after a couple of days. This long dreary northeast winter can't help. Maybe you just need some sunshine and warmth.

Try taking a trip somewhere hot...just don't go to South Beach, some of the people down there are preternaturally muscular and handsome...it's unsettling.

[cutlerfan]

Sorry to hear you are giving up searching for your muscle self. It's not an easy thing to realize that a longtime goal/fantasy may never come true. The important question to ask is "Do I like myself as a person and not based on my body?" I have wanted to be huge and muscular for almost 30 years but it hasn't happened and I doubt it will. Life has a way of getting in the way of goals, dreams, and hopes. To some degree accepting our limitations is a good thing but we can't seem to be happy as human beings with whatever we have. Maybe, just maybe, letting go of a dream and accepting reality is good too. Often when we let go of the agony and the ecstasy of unfulfilled desires; we can actually reevaluate ourselves and emerge energized with a better understanding of what we need. I'd like to encourage you to keep yourself fit but perhaps pull back from the mountain side that is your dream and look around. A change in perspective may allow you to see the value in your own life and that it is not just in your body. The greatest bodybuilders ever will eventually all grow old; it is inevitable. Will they wonder in their old age whether they could have pumped one more bicep curl or bench press..or will they wonder what effect they had on other people's lives. I imagine being a muscle god is wonderful but it does a man no good to be massively muscular and not do something with it. Looks fade, hair turns gray, and wrinkles appear. The important thing is to ask "Did I uplift someone, help them, guide them, mentor or support them?" If the answer is yes then you are truly a man of strength who may be the most powerful of all the huge men to walk the earth. I know it's corny but I hope this gives you reason to have hope and do what you want regardless of the outcome. Succeeding at life means trying...not always winning! Peace my friend!

[raven79]

Richard, you don't have to give up on attaining a great physique! Your body has just decided that it wants to be more bearish than anything else.

Like others before me have said, take some time off and find another course of action in the gym. Hormone replacement may be the way to go since you are in another phase of your life. (You are still fairly young, but sometimes you need a little boost that you didn't know you needed before!)

Okay, I will go now!

[Yachirobi]

Richard, you do what you think is best. Just make sure you keep yourself healthy. That said, if you see someone that you like and if you think there might be an opportunity with that person then go for him. Don't let the right one pass you by, whether he's got big muscles or nothing at all.

[Mdlftr]

THis is a GREAT thread!

For my two cents here as a straight guy:

I wanted to meet someone to "show me the bodybuilding ropes" for YEARS. I wanted someone to teach me how to train and how to get huge.

Never happened. Finally, at this stage in my life (I'm the same age as RPJ) I could finally afford to hire a trainer. I've put on some muscle (yeah!) and I feel much better, both physically, and about myself.

Do I look like a bodybuilder, or even a fitness model? No
Am I willing to put in the time, effort, and drugs to get that look NO


Do I still want and intend to keep lifting to see what I can achieve? YES.

Do I still wish I'd meet some bodybuilder and become friends with him and be able to "hang out" and talk about lifting, and spot each other? Yes
Will it happen? Don't hold your breath.

AT the end of the day, the perspective I've gained is that you have to enjoy what you have/"bloom where you're planted"/enjoy the moment.

It's what we have. Remember, all we have is the present moment. You can get sick, you can lose your job, you can win the lottery, you can go back home to your regular routine.

I think the secret to being happy is to sets goals (big muscle, big job, etc. etc. whatever) and keep striving to achieve them. You may never get there, but life is in the journey, not the destination.

Mdlftr ..about to go off and sing "Kumbuyah"...

[Bull]

I relate to everything you've said, Richard. I went through a bitter phase a few years ago when I realized I was never going to have the physique I want, no matter what I did; and I did everything, believe me. All we can do is play the hand we're dealt, and only a very few get dealt the genetics for massive muscle.

I'm somewhat different, in that I never was doing it to attract huge muscle guys. I've been more into smaller guys. And when I was in my best shape, in my forties, I had a lot of them. And not one of them was worth it. After going to all the trouble of getting them into my bed, I was always bored with them very soon.

The truth is, physical attraction is a lousy gauge for finding a guy. You have to find a guy who is interesting on many levels, who you enjoy being with. And if the physical attraction is weak, then you work on improving that together. As men, we are taught to start with the physical, but that almost never works. True, you can't be repulsed by the guy, or you'll never get anywhere. But he doesn't have to be close to the ideal either.

As far as my physique goes, my only goal now is to stay at the weight I am, while getting my fat level down to where I can see abs. And stay there. That will be enough of a project. Am I sad that wasn't able to achieve my dream? Of course. But if I hadn't had that dream, I would never have gotten into the gym at all, so it served it's purpose.

[arpeejay]

And lest anyone wonder:

No, it's not about finding a guy. I'm on my second perfect husband (the first one passed away), neither of whom is / was remotely a bodybuilder, or even remotely interested in being one.

It's not even about wanting to have sex with a muscle guy (although that would've been nice.) In my interior fantasy life, it's not me WITH a muscle guy, it's me AS a muscle guy. But for whatever reason there's also a component, in fantasy and real life, that's always craved validation (along the lines of "yeah, you're hot" plus "great job, you're one of us") from the big guys.

Feh.

As I said, hasn't happened, won't happen, probably never needed to happen, probably is the reason it never happened.

So I'll work on something else (skinny with abs? Who knows?) instead.

Thanks for listening. I'm glad I'm not the only (somedays it feels like "sorry, sick, twisted...") one out there.

xoxo

Richard

[hulkoutlvr]

Richard, finding a guy like you would be like getting struck twice by lightning on the front porch of a house you won in the Publishers Clearning House Sweeptstakes.