deflating and growing

[GunMetalGrey88]

what a week i deside to go back to the gym and i caught the flu what a week

i stay in bed for the most part of the day and finally get to sleep and wake up hurribly sore from the previous days work out but today im feeling much better and much thinner thanks to the vomiting lol.

but its 2 steps forward one step back and i guess i got to create a funny little dance to go with it .

but i guess i feel alot better stronger too i pulled on my work shirt and the back streches as i pull it on now i guess im getting bigger in little ways, my friends keep telling me when im down i've continued to lose weight even after meeting them i guess its the lack of stress in my life anymore mostly but i can safely say im happy now with my friends and in the end this is the place im happyest being

[MAZIVKAROLY]

Learn to avoid or disregard any comments like this, whether from your sis or any like-minded person who is only showing their own lack of care for you as well as their own lack of knowledge about personal and human growth and development.

[GunMetalGrey88]

man that was a while ago she hasn't spoken too me in months don't mind though can't tell a differance

[GunMetalGrey88]

today was a short quiet day went to see movie with friends the unborn but in the end it was really at chipotlie at the end of the counter a very cute guy was ringing up orders hispanic clean face shorter then me but just as wide huge arms i snapped a shot witch i'll get later but he was cut very thick accent and im sorry to say i made it hard for him he was down right shy saw me once and couldn't look up at me it was cute, he was cut and cute im getting hard just thinking about him

[GunMetalGrey88]

its a different life i live now with my roomate and new friends and work i mean i work out , i still get depressed and i still feel like on the edge of oblivion but now i think im okay with it if it means i can share it with them my friends laugh with me ,they stand by me and its like a old Big O episode you hold your memories close and your true friends closer .

i mean i'll never be the same kid i ever was but then im not a kid at all im 20 now im an adult and i got to live this life no one will rescue me i got to rescue myself if in fact thats what i need.

when i first wrote the title deflating and growing i just wanted a name that people look for when they want to see my updates if there are those kind of dedicated readers.

but its about me deflating my negitave ego more then myself, and growing as a person more then my muscles.

i still dream of one day being skinny happy and sexy, but as i see myself in a a shirt or at work on a break i think im two thirds of the quota finished.

i dunno does anyone really read this ?

[GunMetalGrey88]

well expanding on my last post i feel better then i have in a very long time went cloths shopping with friends and im happy to say i can wear 42 size pants snug but wearable and from today its from 52 to 42 in almost a year 10 pants sizes in a year omg i should write a book

[nnnrg]

That is a really impressive change. You're doing great, and it sounds like you're becoming stronger emotionally as well as physically. Good job and keep it up

[1bigwoof]

Originally Posted by GunMetalGrey88

well expanding on my last post i feel better then i have in a very long time went cloths shopping with friends and im happy to say i can wear 42 size pants snug but wearable and from today its from 52 to 42 in almost a year 10 pants sizes in a year omg i should write a book

Congratulations, buddy....it's good to hear more of your progress. Keep up your training and I'm confident your results will continue to be good. Thanks for keeping us updated.

[MAZIVKAROLY]

Yes, some of us do really read this, and congrats on becoming an "adult," legally. Please do remember there's considerably more to being an adult than just achieving a certain age. I know people in their 30's, 40's, even 50's and 60's, who don't act or live their life much at all with outward evidence they are "adults." Real adulthood takes a lot of inward as well as outward growth, emotionally and psychologically, to be more fully mature; at 63, I consider myself fairly "adult," but I am also aware that I can still keep on growing in understanding and emotional maturity. Our task in life, I believe, is to keep on learning and growing in every way possible. Do take care of your self in every way possible and watch for opportunities all around you to keep on growing.

[GunMetalGrey88]

in the end its this site and achilles that made me feel better about myself and i guess i suggest this site

[GunMetalGrey88]

starting to feel uncertain now though what will i be like in a year , i mean with the year that i've joined this site what could happen from here drop another 85 pounds and bulk up ?

i fear what i'll do when my gym partner leaves for basic training im scared i'll fall into bad habits,hes my good luck charm he dosen't make me feel self contious when i change or when we do laps at the pool.

i need a new work out body make me big and strong for my old gym partners return

[chocomus]

You're doing great so far. Think in the future results and you won't fall into bad habits again. Also, your friends suport is very important. I'm sure you've Known people enough in the gym to ask for spot from time to time

[GunMetalGrey88]

you'd think so but no i can't talk to people hotter then me

[chocomus]

it's easy, just a hi when you see the same person lots of days in a row when you enter the place. After some days you'll be confident enough for a bit more like what's up or you came sonner today or how was the weekend? or something like that. then you won't be scared of talking to them, asking for spot or asking for advice
It worked for me (although i didn't planned)

[1bigwoof]

In addition to chocomus' thoughts, offer a spot to someone else training alone. Even if he refuses, he will likely appreciate the offer. He also might offer to spot you! You're on a roll....your buddy leaving will just be another step in your growth process. You can do it.

[GunMetalGrey88]

wolf if we were in the gym together whe'd be life father and son

[Ephemeral]

Glad to see you going strong, I'll keep doing the same.

[GunMetalGrey88]

i have found the perfect photo taken almost one year ago im seen at my heavist on the 28th when the picture is dated i will do a new photo to mark a years passing to show the change i've made in one year i just gotta keep working hard for that day i'm alive and happier then i've ever been minus a stuffy nose

[GunMetalGrey88]

relapsing emotions pain fear and failure, my roomate tells me im stupid in front of all my friends i feel that even the tiniest thing i tell him it will be gossiped and spread .

but my friends are supporting my friends jon and stef who are now pregnant see me as a true friend enough to make me the god father of there child, i was speechless but still honared to be a sort of uncle a muscle uncle to a kid might be something i need.

the photo i have yet to show: me a year ago on the 27 of next month actully so i still have some time to prove what im made of to really show that im not the fat kid i see in the picture but a stronger man.

my friends love me for who i am and love me i contacted my lifting buddy while he was visiting his dad in one week lost 15 pounds, and he misses me and our training he wants me to be thin to be happy id cry into his shoulder if he wasn't such a military man strong yet compassionate in these 3 months i've known him he has proven to be one of my best friends and i don't want to lose him .

i made him a promise that in the 7 to 12 months he has in basic i'd lose 100 pounds i've done it once already almost i can do it again i just gotta break the chains of my unhappyness and bring the walls down.

[GunMetalGrey88]

i decided since my best friend is back ,form training for basic with his father, for a few days i went and took update pictures and got a new profile picture heres the link got this one and new bis pics im not very good with posing since i never do any others but i guess i don't got the muscle to show
http://s288.photobucket.com/albums/l...newpics006.jpg

[Ephemeral]

J, what you said to me was by far the MOST IDIOTIC THING you have ever said. So what if you don't like your body, so what if you haven't gotten laid. Commiting suicide for that?!?! That makes me so mad at how SELFISH your being over something so idiotic. For freakin christ sake J, we can only take so much of this BS. I honestly don't care if I get warned for this or it offends you. GROW UP, the problems you have are so minisquel compared to some of the problems other people have. Oh yea, thanks for having some consideration for my father having cancer. If you want to die so much, go ahead, Im tired of sticking up for you. As much as it hurts to say this crap, I dont need someone like you being so freakin selfish.

[GunMetalGrey88]

i know i was selfish in that moment im sorry if i don't value the life i have sometimes, really nothing i say can bestow any kinda apology or understanding of what your going through really if im so selfish i guess i should be alone and die but really what is death if your awaiting it you have no choice why go through the pain the madness but in all honsety if you want to be rid of me so bad then why write anything why say this post let me go block me i don't care i've loved all the support you've given me thus far and really i will find myself and love myself for who i am .

i've had the worst day at work thus far and im in pain and i don't need your goodbye if i die i die and really the world will turn weather it be me or your dad to go first .

im not heartless i avoid those iminate for death let them know me as they did before they were in pain and they saw in my eyes that there was no hope, that memories wether and break like so many chains i keep my chains firm in my hand i fear death but if it comes for me let it do as it will.

nothing matters when your alone only when you have someone to share it with do you find meaning my karma drove me to this day you hate me for my selfish ways.

i have no one because i love no one not even myself.

but nothing matters what i say you've made up your mind and really se la vi

i can't change you nore do i plan too really aren't we all selfish to want to be perfect to want a sence of love and meaning yet blind to see its already there ? are we blamed for being blind ?

[GunMetalGrey88]

in life you have many doors some open, ajar, closed , bolted shut and some with blades for doorknobs. and its kind of a dim hallway dust muffles my footsteps.

Really lights shimmer through some doors and fad as i reach them the doors that do open, they are rooms from my past,rooms of my parents house my grandmothers that i called home for a while my apartment i rest in my room and wander out 8 hours later not concrete if i'll find the right door out into the world.

okay randow thought done with .......

my training partner and best friend has left for basic training my hopes are shattered but i made him a promise that in the 6 + months that he would be gone i would become thinner train harder then i ever had before to see him see me skinny i wanna really be that what he believes is in me.

im about to use a gurren laguan bit '' believe in the me that believes in you and in that you will find the power to do anything and piearce the heavens

[GunMetalGrey88]

growing can cover many basis to be understood on even if its means the circle of people you hold close and impotent.

one of many people to really effect my growth is Nsco a quiet guy form jersey who thinks along the same thought track as me same age he is a much better looking mirror of me .

and in my hard times I've found comfort speaking with him in my darkest hours.

i feel safe speaking to him, and in this post i wanted to thank him for everything hes done to push me and i hope to meet him someday soon.

[1bigwoof]

Originally Posted by GunMetalGrey88

my training partner and best friend has left for basic training my hopes are shattered but i made him a promise that in the 6 + months that he would be gone i would become thinner train harder then i ever had before to see him see me skinny i wanna really be that what he believes is in me.

You've made great progress already, J....use this as daily motivation to show your buddy how much you value his friendship. Put notes and/or pics around your apartment to help you stay motivated. You CAN DO IT!

[GunMetalGrey88]

Originally Posted by 1bigwoof

You've made great progress already, J....use this as daily motivation to show your buddy how much you value his friendship. Put notes and/or pics around your apartment to help you stay motivated. You CAN DO IT!

pics of what him ? or bodybuilders cuz my roomate has banned anything going up on walls in the apartment other then my room.

i've been noticing my hands lately and there big and prone to crack, but my friend stef loves my hands how they are able to so gentle when they write , when they massage her back and neck how i can control the force and pressure to a point i hope a girl will like my hands a naraled writers hands

[1bigwoof]

Originally Posted by GunMetalGrey88

pics of what him ? or bodybuilders cuz my roomate has banned anything going up on walls in the apartment other then my room.

Whatever pics motivate you....before/after pics of yourself, pics of bbs, or pics of your buddy. If your roommate doesn't like pics on the walls of the apt, put a reminder on the refrigerator (or in your bathroom if you don't have to share it).

[GunMetalGrey88]

i guess with all this time i've been busy thinking about my body and stuff today i noticed my freinds coksing me into consider eating less that i eat out to much but i didn't realize that untill a little while ago there trying to support what i wanna do , they consider the food i'd choose i wanna just hug them so hard i think with friends like these i can become a bodybuilder and be happy

[GunMetalGrey88]

i desided to stop avoiding what i needed most a weight update turns out i didn't i deludded my self for so long running 5 to 10 miles and thinking i was getting thinner i weigh back in at 305 2o pounds then i was guessing.

my friends and co workers say im not matter that its compact muscle but i can't look at myself like before 20 years old 300 pounds i feel sick and tired with myself

[chocomus]

sometimes the body doesn't react as we would like it to. It could be because of multiple things. And those 20 pounds aren't necesarely fat, you know? so don't worry that much

A little step backwards isn't necesarely something that bad. It can be a reminder of what you're doing.

Just keep on it. You're doing good and you'll be even better, i'm sure of it

[GunMetalGrey88]

i dreamed i was holding the most hot girl in the world her breast on par with my massive pecs i kiss her making little circles with my mouth holding her close her hand spread trying to reach around my back i kiss her again at this point i wake up from the dream and jerk my huge boner thus waking up i want that dream as a reality so i just got to keep working harder

[GunMetalGrey88]

i feel sick with myself but just yesterday a new friend saw a picture of me from a year ago he had to do a triple take i looked at the picture i saw me.

in the end i guess i've changed alot and not very much i guess im just not to certain of what my future holds another 9 days and i guess it will mean something to somebody

[GunMetalGrey88]

i workout every morning and i run and work out as best i can with the limited time i got so why does this one guy taunt me with his strong lean body constantly in my face , a personal trainer at my gym he trains there every morning in a hot white a shirt showing his awesome pecs and strong buff butt i don't get hard but he fills me with so much anger and i don't even know him his thick black glases and jaw line beard i just hate him so much unspoken words of him beeing better in evey way just looking his way i hate and to think today i was feeling okay i hate him i wish he would go away

[GunMetalGrey88]

i went in for my usual work out but my red and blk shoes were killing me i think its time to pitch them, not only that but He was there again so strong so athletic i just wanna smash his face and the glasses he wears too, how can someone I've never spoken to or even know his name i need some help i just feel like this will destroy me or ruin my chances at getting a fufilling work out ever again.

[AS2000]

Might be more productive to look at this guy as a goal, rather than an obstacle. It doesn't sound like he does anything to obstruct your workout, except maybe arouse a little envy. Perhaps you should use it as motivation, instead? He might not be that bad a fellow, after all.

[achilles]

Jealousy is never a good look, and it doesn't suit you either man; nonetheless, I think its something most of us into the muscle-culture struggle with at some point or another. Take a look at this article I wrote about Jealousy; it may help you out:

What Is Jealousy?

[GunMetalGrey88]

your right Charles i understand what i must do now and its almost been a years since you introduced the site to me in 6 days I'll have been here a year and i got the picture to show i guess I've really changed though i'll never want to admit it but then its because even if i do become a bodybuilder to rivel achilles i'll never like the skin im in , but anything is certain and i have had a few drinks tonight so if i misspell just goes to my endurance.

tomarrow i see my family again after 3 months of no contact i guess i've just been so busy with friends i lost track of time i haven't lived at home for 7 months and i like to think i've gotten thin gotten stronger and become more open but now that i think my time lines mightbe getting muddlied cuz i can't get a clear line on what i've done .

if any of the many friends i've made can give me a time line

[GunMetalGrey88]

after the meeting with my sister and her husband she hugged me and she was able to grip her hands around and cross her hands around my back she said i got very skinny but i see myself naked and i still see a body worth hating something in need of being rebuilt and fortified .

in this world where time and life are both running out running seems to be the only thing that makes sence no logic behind it , just the feeling that i would reach father forward the next day

[GunMetalGrey88]

unfortunetly my computer cable is shot and im in need of a replacement why knows when that will be and at the same time my roommate's going to figure out where hes going to transfer tomorrow he might stay or he might leave and i think that will be the end for me a long run cut short a dream finlly coming to an end will i die alone, will i find a new roomate or will he stay i guess the next time i post you'll find out witch but i guess this is good bye for now

[GunMetalGrey88]

its seems that i found a new cord and a new light i missed a day of working out soulie from a long day of work the night before so i guess work counts as a sort of work out but i keep telling myself that and i'll look like my portly co worker that looks like Paul giamatti or my manager who is barral chested and big and heavy.

i guess with a few hours left before the new pictures are taken and i can show what a years hard work has done i mean in the end thats all that matters what you see in the mirror or in comparison to what others might see.
what truly matters is that you really see the diffeance not just in the body and the face but who you carry yourself stress free and happy to know you've done something you've worked for even if its half even 1 third of the way finished i've been told for the longest time that i've done something alot of people try and fail to do but when you see me and how much work i put into it maybe i just half enough free time ?

in all i guess the choice to live everyday working toward tomarrow i can feel dark and alone one day but as the great doctor tenma once said tomarrow will be a good day.