deflating and growing - Page 4

GunMetalGrey88 · #**121** March 27th, 2009, 06:49 AM

todays the big day 1 year from a old picture i had and here are my new pics later on tonight or tomorrow I'll have better shots done by a second party.

heres me i just buzzed my head 15 bucks my ass for them to do the excat same thing
http://s288.photobucket.com/albums/l...newarms002.jpg
and heres me a year ago today people have had double and triple takes its me sad fat and with hair no earring
http://s288.photobucket.com/albums/l...urrent=008.jpg
and the rest you can scan through on the wheel i guess thats it i haven't changed that much but i got alot of work to do so i leave it to you guys to see if i fall under this sections description have i changed and am i anything like a stud i dunno achillies your opinion would be greatly aprreciated as well as any of my readers

1bigwoof · #**122** March 27th, 2009, 09:30 AM

You've made great progress over the last year, J. I'm glad to know that your family noticed and has encouraged you. Focus on you and the things you can control. Hopefully, the roommate situation will work out as you want but if not, maybe something better will come along. Good luck!

nsco · #**123** March 28th, 2009, 03:29 PM

Hey man said this before but I'll say it again nice work, you really have lost allota fat. Just remember to keep it up.

GunMetalGrey88 · #**124** March 29th, 2009, 07:04 AM

can't wait to be as big as you

GunMetalGrey88 · #**125** March 29th, 2009, 05:57 PM

sorry everyone my computers junked and im screwed and i need a new one its not fix able im gonna die with out my laptop

for my friends i chat with i text always if anyone can get on yim and aim in the next 20 minutes i can give you my texting number

GunMetalGrey88 · #**126** March 30th, 2009, 06:15 PM

okay i Frankenstein fixed my computer .

power circuits sticking out the back but now it works now
but i went and saw my family the other day and they liked how i look i'll set up a link later

GunMetalGrey88 · #**127** April 9th, 2009, 08:10 PM

and that didn't last long im out of comisson for the time being but i miss updating let me know my friends can hear me

GunMetalGrey88 · #**128** April 16th, 2009, 02:46 PM

i miss everytime about my readers but i got a dsi so i cant really be too far away from the forums

GunMetalGrey88 · #**129** April 24th, 2009, 04:43 AM

in the wake of my computers triumpent repair i got to thinking in the absence of this terminal my friends have noticed a happier more determined.

this morning i awoke and pulled on my gym cloths and to find a shirt shrunk slightly in the was witch was fine with me in contrast all my other cloths haven gotten baggy.

resynchronizing to i tunes and i found one song id been waiting to get change or die in short it got my thinking about all i've done and i took a nice long look in the mirror and considered what i ate last night.

for the longest time i've ignored the medical advice i've been given thinking i'd find my own way but in all honesty i need to listen better i need to as the song says change or really die not even by my own hands but die or a heart attack a stroke at 30 and i can't live like that anymore i love life no i work out no to do 5 things now be fit, be healthy, be active, come to love myself , and to live on to dream another day longer.

at this point im happier then i've been in a very long time and i can't thank my supporters enough granted most of them never hear the end of it anyway lol.

GunMetalGrey88 · #**130** April 25th, 2009, 04:37 AM

nuff said
http://s288.photobucket.com/albums/l...unMetalGrey88/

GunMetalGrey88 · #**131** April 26th, 2009, 03:05 PM

http://s288.photobucket.com/albums/l...unMetalGrey88/
try this new link

GunMetalGrey88 · #**132** April 29th, 2009, 01:08 AM

not fun especially after a 8 mile run and full day of work , and a 12 hour shift in 5 hours im running on karma my mind won't shut down

1bigwoof · #**133** April 29th, 2009, 11:35 AM

Sorry to hear about your insomnia...hope your day is going better now. Nice pics, by the way. Your legs look great and your upper body is coming along!

GunMetalGrey88 · #**134** April 30th, 2009, 05:28 AM

thanks wolf,

with work comes the risk of injury or damage to personal effects my digital faced chrome watch was crushed to all hell face destroyed as i tried to get it working again blood dripping as my fingers were cut, a tv had fallen from my coworkers grasp i caught the 50 pound tv but my left wrist hot the floor with the caught smashing my watch i was givin a new one by my regretful co worker saving a 300 doller tv so i got a replacement but im like harold krik in that regard i loved that watch, digital solar power told me the day of the week no date thou but it was mine 15 bulks but i got a brand new fossil so i digress crap i got work in 30 i'll finish later

GunMetalGrey88 · #**135** April 30th, 2009, 05:13 PM

i dunno i guess the broken clock means that time is changing and i got to move on to different times. i guess cuz the watch i wore before got worn and the crome pealed away my wrist has thined and i could wear the watch that was destined for me, i feel like the minute my post goes to the surface one comes and over lapse me instantly but i dunno i guess im paranoid but then who really reads my posts

GunMetalGrey88 · #**136** May 2nd, 2009, 03:20 AM

its been a long time since i was home 7 months almost and i see in my parents mirrors not the chubby unhappy kid i was back then but i strong ape ish man burly like my father big arms thick chest and a set waist, i saw myself and thought cockily why don't i get asked out im kinda cute and strong and well groomed.

my sister says im skinnier every time she sees me and i inclined to believe her,in short this house is better off with out me i'll be going to my old work today to see some reactions of co workers granted im not in school but i got a good job and friends and am hapy to learn from that expireiance.

this house can't hold me back or lure me back in i have no where to sleep and its insane how hot it is during nights

GunMetalGrey88 · #**137** May 2nd, 2009, 06:09 AM

looking really thin and happy so said my old co workers apon arivval of my old work a gas station not the worst place to start working it was fine made a good deal of money but say la vi.

my co workers could tell instanlt it was me i looked so thin built and mature it seemed that i had seen real life and they saw me in a new light granted they laughed and enjoyed the story of my near brush with death witch by a car almost killed me hit me full on in the chest and sent me back 3 feet skinning my arm and leg deep i can't work out untill the pains gone but i needed the break anyways.

it was good to see them all again for who was left anyways drugs and booze destroyed my one friend.

new kid there seemed nice and hard working
but i miss that innocene the work place has lost , the recession has mad work really hard for them to stay afloat but they'll manage in the end its all that ever matters the here and now not whats to come .

GunMetalGrey88 · #**138** May 8th, 2009, 03:00 PM

i was fired today everything seemed to be going well i was working hard everyday and in the end my luck ran out and i took too many stupid risk today seems like it didn't even happen but i guess i wasn't ment to keep a job where i was the happest i ever was but in turn i took alot of adavantages i guess karma caught up with me and finally sucker punched me right were it hurt.

i don't hate my boss for letting me go i just wish i had gotten a strike or a warning but i guess i didn't deserve it i'll miss my co workers all i learned to like and in turn them me.

but i guess second chances don't exist in this world you can't make mistakes and your always expected to do the right thing.

i'll take this weekend to reflect on my mistakes
and start a new

GunMetalGrey88 · #**139** May 18th, 2009, 03:08 PM

with work gone i slowly feel my will slipping away anything that matters is gone i feel a deep darkness in myself my friend have shown me the light so much i feel blinded it dosen't work anymore i wanna die be released from this purgatory of mundane rituauls i feel like i'll slit my wrist any moment

GunMetalGrey88 · #**140** May 20th, 2009, 05:29 AM

to my surprise my best friend curt returns from basic on medical leave he surprised me showing up at my apartment and can't remember the last time i was so happy after he had gone a friend i've chatted with for the longest time came out and told me he loved me said i was hot and another friend said we could be together forever good day in my book

GunMetalGrey88 · #**141** May 25th, 2009, 06:11 AM

im scared for my life this maybe my last entry last night [well 4 this morning i went to get a drink and blacked out awaking with a throbbing head wound and acking limbs my roomate checked my vitals my heart was beating against my adams apple i was able to make it to my bed the pain and fear keep me awake im still shaky on my feet and i think i have a concussion. my friends its been fun but im scared more then i,ve ever been

GunMetalGrey88 · #**142** May 27th, 2009, 05:06 PM

on the dsi i had a ultrasound of my heart and head scanned i might has a strange heart rythem

ytrewq · #**143** May 28th, 2009, 07:20 PM

Sorry to hear you're suffering. I know a couple friends with heart arrhythmia and it usually doesn't cause harm until old age (when everyone's physical quirks start to catch up with them.) Best of luck, and hope you get a diagnoses and treatment soon.

GunMetalGrey88 · #**144** May 29th, 2009, 10:18 AM

thanks for the concern it just seems like everything in my lifes falling apart job my mental and phycical standing ive been using my wii and dsi to stay online but im loosing it waiting for a call from a job that may never come.
my fathers offered me work untill i can find stable work again i feel like shit cant pay my rent and relying on my father for income i look in the mirror and seeing the fat guy i was emerging i feel like maybe i did die in the er and this is hell

jmz1 · #**145** May 29th, 2009, 01:39 PM

o man i hope you didn't die and are in hell cause we're all here with you =P

GunMetalGrey88 · #**146** May 29th, 2009, 07:33 PM

heh first time ive chuckled in a long time

GunMetalGrey88 · #**147** May 31st, 2009, 04:43 AM

im back online and on yahoo and aim my new yahoois gunmetalgrey858

GunMetalGrey88 · #**148** June 3rd, 2009, 04:21 AM

2 days and im so sore i can bearly get out of bed the manuel labor i've started doing for my fathers work is so mundane but heavy duty every limb and my chest and back are sore so much that this morning i skipped my run to relax my calfs look and feel huge like a big turkey leg loaded with muscle im so in need of a deep and invasive massage

chocomus · #**149** June 3rd, 2009, 05:51 AM

i hope you get better soon, dude!
take care

GunMetalGrey88 · #**150** June 5th, 2009, 07:31 AM

all my friends seemed to have gone off and fallen and love and have good lives and i seemed to be out of the loop forgotten was that bad of a person, i feel like im fading and im deeply saddened its like i was never there but then maybe i wasn't.

ones about to be married, one is about to be engaged to his boyfriend, and in the end am i really a nice of a guy to warrant the company of others always drenched in self pity and doubt

GunMetalGrey88 · #**151** June 10th, 2009, 07:46 PM

its really been an off summer in the last week after working with my father in construction sore burned and stuck with some kind of rash returning home after speaking with my folks about my depression and suiside attempts in the end my mind clear i've decided to move closer to home with my gran rent free to go to school and work at my leiser its a good plan and the world seems a brighter dawn ill miss my friends but i need this and my happyness matters first

GunMetalGrey88 · #**152** June 12th, 2009, 05:54 AM

its seems that with my return my roomates become an ass bitching about the mess i made i live here and clean once a week he cleans once and expects a thank you and thinks ive brought fleas from my parents place in some blankets.

it seems im not wanted here and i guess it was about time i left i just wish there was more love to this story but not all stories are happy

GunMetalGrey88 · #**153** June 12th, 2009, 08:19 AM

its the end for memy muscle walls have been torn down im in such blinding sorrow it hurts like im being torn my heart as well i dont think ill feel again

GunMetalGrey88 · #**154** June 14th, 2009, 05:43 PM

its been a jumbled mess my life and my room the walls i plastered with arnold and jay cutler are almost gone only the ink transfer when i tore the images down in my dispair i guess i can live on start again everythings going to change again im scared

GunMetalGrey88 · #**155** June 21st, 2009, 06:22 AM

since my last entry alot has changed i've moved out of the apartment into my grands basement apartment i collected everything important to me and got a brand new compuer bought for me nice big with web cam for the shows i do for my friends its been a wierd changed the living room walls are a nice deep sea blue with a hint of green and the floor of my rooms been painted with a koi pound design several of my sisters things are here but im organizing in my leaser time got new ipod touch with apps to make me skinny and my grands a health nut tree hugger but thats okay anthing to get thin in the end i think i'll never be the same with my best friend and former roomate hes lazy selfish reclusive and a constant downer on everyone and thinks to high of himself if everyone had a trust fund then wed all be happy.

nothings changed im not skinny ,not gotten laid ,no drivers lisence witch expires in less then a month.

its been a big detour i've maid friends and love them to death i just wish they all weren't computer nerds >.> but what can i do .

no gym walking distance from my home so thats a big problem and i might have to quit my current gym and find a new one but wait till i've found work as well its a fresh start but at least this start will have a continue. i miss alot of things from both my lives here and back the solitude and privacy and reall in the end i think i'll get better for it stronger and smarter

GunMetalGrey88 · #**156** June 26th, 2009, 02:24 PM

a week has past and nothing is certain with work my sisters have been on vacation and no ones welcomed me home its a strange time a good friend i had in the area shut me down and called me a fat faggot and burned the bridge between us its all got to get better i mean its the darkest before the dawn and the lightest before dusk so im not losing hope yet i just got to get organized get my sister moved out and get my license

GunMetalGrey88 · #**157** June 27th, 2009, 10:26 PM

In the end its all a big pile of rushed jobs and unfulfilled promises i move out the lease is broken and i owe money i don't have the friends i've made are vanishing fast and its like nothing will ever be right with the world.

everything I've done in the last month feels wrong and i hate being blamed no one told me any of this my roommate had no objection to me leaving didn't say anything yet im to blame i just why do i do anything in the end i'll always obset someone

GunMetalGrey88 · #**158** July 7th, 2009, 04:18 AM

my birthday was short and hot im 1 4tth covered in sunburns mostly mu shoulders and chest except for a patchwork on my torso hopefully with a long day of sleep and no sun light i'll be able to work on my tan in a day of so i wish my drinks were better i mean now i can go off and drink what ever being 21 i don't feel any different just more sand spilling into the bottom of the hour glass i feel like my body is already dying this heart seems to be slowing down and my bi poler meds aren't doing shit
ve never felt so not in control of my life
i'

1bigwoof · #**159** July 7th, 2009, 05:19 AM

Sorry to hear your birthday wasn't what you expected and that you're having a tough time right now. Take one day at a time. Make a list of the things you want to do...just today. Talk with your doctor about your medicine. Although you're legal to drink alcohol, it will NOT solve your problems so please be careful. Take care of yourself.

GunMetalGrey88 · #**160** July 9th, 2009, 05:34 AM

yesterday was a good day stayed on the beach for a good 4 hours swimming and sun bathing and tossing my cousins twice removed into the ocean, para sailing and icecreme on a beach i went home and napped 4 hours and woke up with a bad sunburned back maybe i shouldnt try sun bathing 5 years inside pale as paper maybe its my karma but i guess i should just limit my sun time to 10 but todays thursday and we'll be leaving tomarrow so i got to hit the boardwalk go to that higly recommeneded pizza place with my removed cousin patrick in 5 years hes gone from an annoying little squirt to a mide size average muscled guy blonde hair blue eyes hes a real cool guy maybe we can stay in touch now .

im tanned despite my burns but i'll never be like jay cutler but then they use spray on tans but i wanna pose for some pictures tanned not scar anyone my gut still floats self paranoid i look around thinking someones watching me i feel eyes on me everywhere but once i go home the fesativites don't stop i got a long weekend getting drunk with family and friends

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