deflating and growing

[Lifter73]

Originally Posted by GunMetalGrey88

im tanned despite my burns but i'll never be like jay cutler but then they use spray on tans but i wanna pose for some pictures tanned not scar anyone my gut still floats self paranoid i look around thinking someones watching me i feel eyes on me everywhere but once i go home the fesativites don't stop i got a long weekend getting drunk with family and friends

Yup, you won't be like Jay Cutler getting drunk with family and friends. Gotta cut back on the booze if you wanna get huge, my friend. And YA gotta WANT IT!

D

[GunMetalGrey88]

Originally Posted by Lifter73

Yup, you won't be like Jay Cutler getting drunk with family and friends. Gotta cut back on the booze if you wanna get huge, my friend. And YA gotta WANT IT!

D

its just the first week i'll party and im burning the calories swimming once i get back home its right back to the gym

[GunMetalGrey88]

i went to otakon a anime convention in Baltimore Maryland anyone attending i was wearing a pink hat with antlers this year i saw a lot of things I'd never seen before a few big muscled guys and my friends from high school well one but one was enough i couldn't tell it was him with the afro of brown hair around his face.
in all honesty i couldn't tell it was him ether but i asked do i know you he looked me up and down twice and said well done man really well done i didn't recognize you he hugged me and he patted at how much he could fit his hands around my back and was so happy for me.

it was the happiest i have been in the longest time granted i say that constantly but things are constantly getting better and i found a friend again

[GunMetalGrey88]

It seems like im losing everything but weight lost my computer that has been not working, my friends , and i was sick vomiting for 3 days and been stuck in the house with my grand its been really bad she won't leave me alone about my weight im working on it , in the end she wants me out asap .

i feel like i don't got anywhere to live anymore that im wanted in the end maybe it will be better but it sucks i feel like i've lost everything

[Qpjp1]

I hope you are feeling better today. I know it is terrible being sick. The good thing is that time usually takes care of it. I was sick for a whole week and unable to to eat too much food. It is just a bummer and unfortunate, but it happens.

I don't know how your relationship is with your grandmother, but you might have more to talk about if you found out what interests you two have in common. Maybe ask her who her favorite singer or what kind of songs she likes. Make her a cd of this music perhaps? She wont be talking about your weight if you can talk more about other things that interest the two of you.

If you don't feel wanted there, just do some chores around the house. Find out things that need to be done! Make them love you! I don't care if you have to suck up. Whenever someone tells you something that you really don' care about, you have to make yourself interested! If your grandmother is telling you something. Pretend it is really interesting and that you are happy she shared it with you. Haha.

Secret tip: Try to make others feel good about themselves because you know how it feels to not feel so good about yourself.

[GunMetalGrey88]

its been a trial and a strange change of pace living with my grand, randomly asked if i wanted to start classes and i got signed up and everything to be back in school i guess i feel back on track more then i did a year ago moving away i just wish i had friends into muscles near rockville and bethesda chevy chase

[GunMetalGrey88]

it feels like forever since my last entry last time i chatted with my long time readers would come from that invisible place the linger in space just out of reach.

im home again to many faces all of whitch have good things to say that i lost alot of weight that i look totally different .

i love the critiziums of passers to and from from a gas station in a no name town but they know me they knew i was gone.

with all these happy times a shadow is cast against the light the closer you are to it.

i wore a older slightly tigher baggy shirt the other day however as the night draws to a close and im in the mist of escorting some tramps off my works property one turns and says man look at his man tits.

i slamed my works front door and locked them out and it figures that a kinda cute russian guy said it 19 with a heart shaped face.

everything people have said to build me up and to find my happyiness is shattered in a second its been the hardest thing to feel convident about smaller and smaller cloths a thinner face all are great but a flabby gut and tits i feel so sick seeing myself in the mirror i never wanna see another mirror again to many times i've looked into my dead eyes a deep sadness that only i can revive but how do we go forward when the world will end any day and second .


there are things yet to inspire yet though today i got my my newest musclemag a constant ancor to bind me to this world in it was one of the most powerful and errotic drawing i enjoyed for a long time.

a muscled hunk eyes closed with joy in a river of protien shake he's huge and boner inducing so content in a mear picture i have it on my wall because i want that joy that bigness filling me untill i find that i truly have no other choice but to die i feel this hate for myself a deep pain its the skin i wear the things it contans i just wish i had someone near me how cared who under stands me and the power i can unleash or as it my happen will tear me apart .

to you who knows the awnsers tell me them i am here and i am waiting for the bodies human truth

[ytrewq]

everything people have said to build me up and to find my happyiness is shattered in a second its been the hardest thing to feel convident about smaller and smaller cloths a thinner face all are great but a flabby gut and tits i feel so sick seeing myself

Believe me, I know what it is to struggle with keeping your confidence up, but I think confidence is something you need to train and persevere with in order to strengthen just like your body. Look at it this way; it would be one thing if you had made no changes whatsoever, but you have. You have smaller clothes and thinner face to prove that you can and are making progress.

that only i can revive but how do we go forward when the world will end any day and second .

Everything in our world is in a constant state of changing, beginning and ending. Yes, the world as we know it will come to an end, but in a way it would be redundant and relatively meaningless if it didn't. All you really have is this moment to live in and make changes in you're life. Use it. Seize the day.
As deeply depressed and demotivated as I've been, I'm still here because I know as long as I have a pulse I at least have a chance to make some positive change in my life. I may fail, but there's no way I would throw away my life prematurely knowing I might have made things better if I'd chosen to live.

[AS2000]

The thing is, anyone who's going to say something mean and vicious and not based on anything reasonable? What's their opinion really worth? Nothing. So why care about it? Some people just go for the low blow, especially when they can't win the argument with actual reason or facts or anything like that. So they call people names, pick on some immaterial physical feature (race always a favorite for those people), etc.

You've accomplished a ton. And no one is perfect. No one. We all have flaws that can be identified and mocked. So what? Self improvement is its own reward. You can know that you've accomplished what most people can't. The name callers? They barely even deserve notice.

[GunMetalGrey88]

http://s288.photobucket.com/albums/l...unMetalGrey88/

new after and before picks

[GunMetalGrey88]

recently i've been looking at myself and seeing someone else the stupid kid i was at the apartment is gone i feel like nothings really changed but i guess its the darker perspective i have on life and when i started i guess i was a much different person in the way i think and act .

lately i think i need new meds to combat my depression and see a shrink asap.

but everything has changed so much with my body i just wish i could take a shirtless picture with out feeling dread in my heart but i guess i still got to grow and change and deflat my paranoia that people care what i look like i feel so alone in these times now school starts next monday and working with my dad starts tomarrow while i look for concrete work

[hulkoutlvr]

Did anyone ever tell you you have the most gorgeous eyes and hair?

[GunMetalGrey88]

thanks for the vote of confidence im glad to know someone thinks so of me

[GunMetalGrey88]

got a new picture back from after i graduated its on my photo bucket.

http://s288.photobucket.com/albums/l...unMetalGrey88/

its been 2 years since i joined the forums this February and i want to thank the one who showed me this site in the first place and helped me find the friends i needed i recommend this site to any that walk our path and im working to pose shirtless for you guys one day and i'll be hot apparently but i need to accept who i am.

all in good times achillies, bigdawg, jordan,buffmorph you four are the pillers of my success and i hope to hear from the other three much more constantly

[GunMetalGrey88]

In the last 2 weeks I've worked extensively with my new trainer he's been working my arms and chest and and i feel like a battered old tank on a battle field due to be dragged back to the scrap yard.

its so weird to feel so sore i haven't felt this sore in years and i feel like this is the pain i must feel to gain i feel like im holding my trainer back but he knows what i want to do what i intend to become.

it feels so different to train to gain something this pain last for days leaving me unable to train for a day or so 3 max with out running a day.

there's seems to be such a difference in the world i see around me i know i say this constantly but the world or what i see keeps changing and the people in it are becoming more familiar and I've grown used to the eyes of people in the gym im growing to ignore the others around me.

i have a goal now, i made a packed with a friend of mine 2 years........ in 2 years im going to japan save up train and be someone completely different with my friends be strong fast and confident.

now if only i could find a job something that helped grow these whimpering arms and back daily.

i need something to make me even bigger im looking but i guess money will always bee a pain no matter what at least i got a car now only fear is that i won't fit at 350 maxed out muscle

[GunMetalGrey88]

[COLOR=#000000]in the end it was all just me being fearful thinking that there would be no tomarrow but i guess i realized all my relationships fail because i find someone and i cling to them and crush them and i gave up drinking, and being sorry for myself i need to not think about my body so much people are not all bad like i thought in the end were all the same[/COLOR]

[AS2000]

Good to hear you thinking positive, dude.
And the trainer sounds awesome. That soreness will help you grow. Just got to make sure you've got the food and rest down too, and you should be set. :)

[GunMetalGrey88]

i need to grab the fire and get burn in order to learn the true limitations of peoples patience.
i hold people to close relay to deeply in what others think of me hence forcing them away i've been told i need to love myself and have confidence.

and so what do i do ?

[GunMetalGrey88]

it seems my interview did just fine and the day proceeded as it normally until i got to the school lounge.

i sat alone and got the attention of a guy there black with tight bond corn rows like skins down the back of his head, eyes a mirror Grey reflecting the sky above him to a sky blue.

i sat beside him and he began to foundling with my hair i didn't mind so he continued till we some how got to him massaging my size 15 feet.

after class i returned and we got to talking and we talked about a lot of stuff.

he could read me like a book and found out about my idle sexual life , he says he could smell virgins.

it became time for me to head out and he decided to walk out with me.

we came to behind the music department and he asked me to move in close, and he went to kiss me.

i reeled back scared.

we walked a little father he said i said to try new things and this was the time.

the sky was Grey and no one was around, i put my lips on his and pulled back.

he said im a bad kisser and we tried again when i pulled away and the dark rain seem to stop and i felt light headed i din't know where i was all i could see was his smiling face.

half way to my car we continued walking he cupped my ass said i had a fine strong ass face and he slipped a feel and touched my groin he know wants to blow me and its only been a day, what a way to start the week.

this is new for my thread i know wish me luck

[GunMetalGrey88]

this guy I've meet Monday he's blunt and sociopathic and thinks of nothing else but what he intends to do but in person he looks like a nice guy his grey eyes calculating things that no one else can see.

im mocked taken advantage of and completely powerless against this guy who demands proper english and seeks to take my oral virginity laughing at my dreams and prospects for the future.

and theres something i like about it the chaos he brings to my world i think of myself as law which can be broken again and again but choas only grows stronger.

so i don't know anything anymore i think thats the point maybe i never did but this is a change in my life i'd like to understand.

i am law

[GunMetalGrey88]

well after Fridays skirmish with the Grey eyed demon lets just say performance anxiety on my end and I've leave it up to you guys.

however before that instant i met up with a new friend anime connected us and a hug and his hard on brought us closer.


we texted all weekend and we met up and went to my car finding a private place to sit and cuddle we were in heaven in each others arms just enjoying each others company and he dosen't think of me as fat, but strong he kissed and he has respect for me he didn't try anything that i wasn't okay with hes so thin and big down there i mean shit to think i get a guy this hard.

he likes me for me and he listens and i think were going to be really close friends for a good long while

[GunMetalGrey88]

since the grey eyed demon cut me off he can't stand looking at me now.

i just think now what i do to deserve this, life is hard enough with trying to support my habits and continue going to school i mean I've crammed my life with enough to worry about.

the cold i feel from his Steele gaze its like it really hurts

[GunMetalGrey88]

i guess its been a long while since i felt anything good or anything particularly bad i feel this sorrow around me like a smokers exhaling, i feel nothing just the skin that covers me ,my eyes that stare out and see back into myself.

everything seems to lost its fun its purpose, foods lost its taste, i've lost any and all interest in people im obsessive i don't know what i need anymore wondering if i should tie a noose and hang myself from the overhang outside my celler door, or to go to bed and never leave it again.

no one can help me the gym has lost any kinda meaning its all just routine now i feel myself slipping away from the few things i care about even now,im pathetic a man to weak to take hold of whats truly important

i don't feel anything prolly wouldn't feel a blade agaist my throat im alone and always will be

[GunMetalGrey88]

feels like everythings falling apart no money, car busted, gym attendance lacky nothing seems to be working

[GunMetalGrey88]

really same of before but class is over so more gym yay and i've made so many new friends

[GunMetalGrey88]

it feels like forever since i wrote anything on the forums but no one seems to be around anymore. i suppose like with fades or age things just loose there meaning .

in the end i've made alot of changes to my life some of which i've yet to see .

the power that i was looking for wasn't in a weight or kind words but the people i hold close and dear.

i've considered my sexuality alot and its been wasted time im not thinking bout it anymore just seems vain.

im working on everything granted i miss chatting with people but i think i've finally taken a page out of achillies book prefering to work out rather then stare ar this screen any longer

[LucidDreamer]

I hope that you start to feel better, just cause people aren't responding to anything that you write doesn't mean that we aren't watching or thinking about you.

Be well.

[cutlerfan]

Hey man, don't give up on life! I just wanted you to know that you are allowed to feel what you feel. Only you know how hard your life is. If you feel down accept it if it's what you are feeling. I don't want to offend but I think God understands you and your pain. Please keep trying to make good changes, whatever you think you need, but don't browbeat yourself for being sad. You are on no one's time schedule but your own. If people think you should be 'better' or 'move on' they might not want negativity in their lives so screw em! Everyone's life is not a bowlful of cherries! You and you alone have the power to decide if you should or should not feel bad. This is not to say that counseling and medication can't or won't help but unless you are being actually destructive to yourself being down is okay. Self-destructive behaviors like using drugs or alcohol or having clinical depression need treatment but if you don't think/feel that you are a danger to yourself or suicidal it's okay to be yourself. I have Clinical Depression and some days suck but I am being treated and I have hope for the future. I pray that you will too. Peace, man!

[GunMetalGrey88]

[COLOR=#000000][COLOR=White]hey site its changed alot in the end i haven't seen anything new on the site friends have vanished from messaging lists and i suppose im just lonely.
recently a friend had a dream about me hulked out like coal train from gears of war i took my shirt and armor off and was huge he felt asleep on my huge muscled chest.

i love that he had that dream its roll play in its own little way but i just wish i could see what he had seen
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[GunMetalGrey88]

where is everyone that i chat with its like the faded away

[GunMetalGrey88]

its been a long while since i looked at the site much longer since the one who introduced me to it vanished entirely.

i changed alot i should think since starting this thread gone from almost 400 pounds to like what 290s give or take waist gone from 55 to 40 as of last week.

i've found love in a guy i never thought i could have he wants me strong to spare with him hand to hand.

i run 10 miles every night before work at 10pm and for 8 hours i read work my arms with the weights i have at my disposel and my life is in prerfect balance know im kissing a skinny boy i think im falling for im getting healthier i've been making real friends so its only natural that my time on the forums is almost over honestly i dunno who's left who still reads my post like so many people we have free time to do this then we change we form lives of meaning people we want to see people who make us happy to get away from a terminal, someone to bust my ass in the gym for .

i can't say i'll miss the site the friends i keep in contact will still know me see me get thinner and thinner and aparetly im kinda hot in some respects.

i'll check back and see who's read looked at or commented on this entry but all the same i thinks its close to saying good bye and never looking back. achillies thanks so much for showing me the site but i think i've grown with out it * waves* hope you see me in contest some day see ya